not sure what to say
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2010
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,906
not sure what to say
I fell off the wagon. almost 4 years and I fell back into my old life. no drugs this time, but i'm drinking heavily again. I was addicted to benzos so detoxing medically is not gonna work. I'm out of answers. I'm so disappointed in myself. I don't know what to do. Sorry guys.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Toronto ON
Posts: 1,180
It's a journey Bulldog. You haven't lost anything.
The important thing is that you're back with a desire to get back on track.
There's likely some folks in the class of June or July thread that could really benefit from your experiences.
The important thing is that you're back with a desire to get back on track.
There's likely some folks in the class of June or July thread that could really benefit from your experiences.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
BullDog - sorry about the relapse but really glad you are back! I totally understand the benzo issue, but I do wish you would talk to your doctor about detoxing. I don't know what the options are, but I do know alcohol withdrawal can be deadly.
You haven't lost all that time. Yes, you went back out but so did I. Not to justify it, but it took me that one last time to say "enough!!". I have a little over 6 years, but you and others here remind me it doesn't matter how much time we have...today is what is important.
Keep reading and posting. Personally, I miss you're ES&H and I'm looking forward to hearing more from you. Some of us don't get it right the first (or 2nd, or 3rd) time, but the fact that you're back here speaks volumes.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
You haven't lost all that time. Yes, you went back out but so did I. Not to justify it, but it took me that one last time to say "enough!!". I have a little over 6 years, but you and others here remind me it doesn't matter how much time we have...today is what is important.
Keep reading and posting. Personally, I miss you're ES&H and I'm looking forward to hearing more from you. Some of us don't get it right the first (or 2nd, or 3rd) time, but the fact that you're back here speaks volumes.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 480
Hey BullDog - I can relate. I was sober 14 years and decided to drink. I drank for about 12 years and now am on my 12th day clean/sober (I became addicted to opiates during this time, also).
I wish I hadn't drank again, sure. But, I just figure it was part of my journey for some reason - I can use it, to help myself and maybe, after that, to help others, too.
I like the SMART approach to sobriety - even a 'slip' is considered part of the journey, part of the process - it's something to learn from, to glean self-knowledge from. It's not a "failure". It's a learning process, an opportunity. And gives me the chance to honor my own, unique journey.
Thanks for posting - I'm not glad you drank, but am grateful you posted.
I wish I hadn't drank again, sure. But, I just figure it was part of my journey for some reason - I can use it, to help myself and maybe, after that, to help others, too.
I like the SMART approach to sobriety - even a 'slip' is considered part of the journey, part of the process - it's something to learn from, to glean self-knowledge from. It's not a "failure". It's a learning process, an opportunity. And gives me the chance to honor my own, unique journey.
Thanks for posting - I'm not glad you drank, but am grateful you posted.
Adventures In SpaceTime
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Ottawa, Canada
Posts: 5,827
Sorry and sad to hear of this news, BullDog.
Quitting is the real deal no matter what else is going on quitting is the next right thing to do...
What happened? Can you share anything about what is going on?
Hey, I still believe in YOU.
Quitting is the real deal no matter what else is going on quitting is the next right thing to do...
What happened? Can you share anything about what is going on?
Hey, I still believe in YOU.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,456
I'm sorry to read this BD - but hey this is not the end.
Speak with your Dr anyway as a first port of call - it's not about getting meds, it's about being safe.
Be honest about your problem and your past and see what they suggest.
then...if you haven't got a plan to stop drinking, nows a great time to make one man
glad you've found your way back here
D
Speak with your Dr anyway as a first port of call - it's not about getting meds, it's about being safe.
Be honest about your problem and your past and see what they suggest.
then...if you haven't got a plan to stop drinking, nows a great time to make one man
glad you've found your way back here
D
High on Life
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Been to Hell and Back
Posts: 1,157
Sad news to hear this as I've considered you one of the closet people to me on SR and you were there for me when I was struggling to get sober.
My heart breaks for you as I know what it's like to be caught in that sticky web that they call alcohol. Funny thing is I felt something was not right by your absence on here. As always, I'm here for you brotha, anything you need. You've been sober before, you can do it again. I'm going to leave you with something that you told me when I relapsed and I hope it gives you what you need to beat this thing.
My heart breaks for you as I know what it's like to be caught in that sticky web that they call alcohol. Funny thing is I felt something was not right by your absence on here. As always, I'm here for you brotha, anything you need. You've been sober before, you can do it again. I'm going to leave you with something that you told me when I relapsed and I hope it gives you what you need to beat this thing.
Originally Posted by BullDog777 
i don't know about you, but i've seen enough tragedy in my family's life to last me the day. my daughter got an alcoholic father, my wife an alcoholic husband. that's bad enough... but to bring that back and open up those gates of insanity and death is an incredibly selfish, narcissistic, infantile, act of self will....and that's what you did to everyone that loves you.
do better next time.
do better next time.
Originally Posted by BullDog777
i love you too, bro
I'm not giving up on you, not for one second. I'm disappointed, but I'll get over it.
just get back in the fight, man. don't let the disease win.
at the risk of sounding a bit cliche' from the old Rocky movies, i look at this like a fight. a war if you will. and you CAN beat this illness to it's knees and keep it there, but YOU have to be willing to show up and go that one more round even if you feel like you can't right now. that's how winning against this illness is done.
I'm not giving up on you, not for one second. I'm disappointed, but I'll get over it.
just get back in the fight, man. don't let the disease win.
at the risk of sounding a bit cliche' from the old Rocky movies, i look at this like a fight. a war if you will. and you CAN beat this illness to it's knees and keep it there, but YOU have to be willing to show up and go that one more round even if you feel like you can't right now. that's how winning against this illness is done.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2010
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,906
thanks for the kind words everyone. Forgive me if I don't address each of you who responded, i'm just too exhausted to do so right now.
there's no way in the world i'm going to the doctor. my anxiety is too high and could send me right back out there. I'm tapering and doing a ton of exercising. best I can do right now.
what sent me back? I hurt my back awhile back and got frustrated at the inability to sleep. that's all. it was not a good decision.
i'll get back, it might take a little while, but my priority to live a sober life has not changed. I just have to be smart about not putting my body through more than it can handle right now.
I'll check back in daily.
thanks again for all the kindness.
there's no way in the world i'm going to the doctor. my anxiety is too high and could send me right back out there. I'm tapering and doing a ton of exercising. best I can do right now.
what sent me back? I hurt my back awhile back and got frustrated at the inability to sleep. that's all. it was not a good decision.
i'll get back, it might take a little while, but my priority to live a sober life has not changed. I just have to be smart about not putting my body through more than it can handle right now.
I'll check back in daily.
thanks again for all the kindness.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Georgia
Posts: 3,062
I'm glad you are back. I was clean and sober for 13 years, relapsed on alcohol for 8 years and now I have 7 months. You learned a lot, like I did, during your first round of recovery. Use the tools you remember and be open to learning more. All is not lost my friend!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 587
it is never too late to start getting sober again. For me not having enough sleep is a big trigger for all sorts of things. See the bright side: you made it back and got the chance to start again...... Take the opportunity and learn....
Adventures In SpaceTime
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Ottawa, Canada
Posts: 5,827
Originally Posted by BullDog777
i'll get back, it might take a little while, but my priority to live a sober life has not changed. I just have to be smart about not putting my body through more than it can handle right now.
Awesome.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,456
I think you'll understand that I'm not kicking you when you're down J...
I ran this race for years.
you don't need to bargain with an addiction.
There's no better time to quit than today BD - take back whats yours, man
D
i'll get back, it might take a little while, but my priority to live a sober life has not changed. I just have to be smart about not putting my body through more than it can handle right now.
you don't need to bargain with an addiction.
There's no better time to quit than today BD - take back whats yours, man
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2010
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,906
D-if I don't taper, I'm afraid of a seizure. Been there, done that the first go around. I'm not going there again. Imo, it's too dangerous. I have my wife regulating me until I get back to zero.
I hate that I can't just walkaway right now, but without meds I don't have another choice. an I'll never go that route again...ever. benzos were the worst F'ing thing I've ever been through. I'm doin ok...i'll make it with the support of my family and you people.
I hate that I can't just walkaway right now, but without meds I don't have another choice. an I'll never go that route again...ever. benzos were the worst F'ing thing I've ever been through. I'm doin ok...i'll make it with the support of my family and you people.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Poconos PA
Posts: 1,544
Glad you are going right back at it BullDog. Such a long sober stretch before your slip is an awesome accomplishment that I right now can only dream of achieving. Before you know it you'll be right back where you left off.
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Welcome back, Bulldog!
I'm glad your wife is there with you. Just a thought: it wouldn't hurt to at least talk to an addiction doctor to see what your options are(?)...... (i.e. I know there are non-addictive medications out there for a lot of things, like blood pressure and insomnia..... so you never know......it just might be worth inquiring).
I remember how hard it was to get back after a relapse, and I'm so glad you're back with us.
I'm glad your wife is there with you. Just a thought: it wouldn't hurt to at least talk to an addiction doctor to see what your options are(?)...... (i.e. I know there are non-addictive medications out there for a lot of things, like blood pressure and insomnia..... so you never know......it just might be worth inquiring).
I remember how hard it was to get back after a relapse, and I'm so glad you're back with us.
EndGame
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,677
Originally Posted by artsoul
Welcome back, Bulldog!
I'm glad your wife is there with you. Just a thought: it wouldn't hurt to at least talk to an addiction doctor to see what your options are(?)...... (i.e. I know there are non-addictive medications out there for a lot of things, like blood pressure and insomnia..... so you never know......it just might be worth inquiring).
I'm glad your wife is there with you. Just a thought: it wouldn't hurt to at least talk to an addiction doctor to see what your options are(?)...... (i.e. I know there are non-addictive medications out there for a lot of things, like blood pressure and insomnia..... so you never know......it just might be worth inquiring).
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2010
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,906
just checking in...in 3 days I've gone from about 27 beers a day to 15 and last night was 9. my goal is to be done by wed-fridayish. running on about 3 hours sleep. the only withdrawal I feel so far is an inability to stay asleep which is making my muscles twitchy and sore because i'm not getting enough rest. However, my vitals are decent. physically, I feel pretty bad....but on paper, i'm making progress. I'll check back in later today. I'm gonna try to get some work done.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2010
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,906
I started getting super jittery this morning, but a hot shower and a short nap really really helped the symptoms. I had super vivid dreams. I was very grateful for the short rest.
I kept saying to myself in the midst of this bender that all the pain I felt the last time I got sober was due to benzo withdrawal. NOT TRUE. it was a hard lesson to learn that alcohol withdrawal feels just as heinous as benzo withdrawal. I just had been going through both at the same time last time. this is something I will never forget.
I keep saying to myself "Everything is gonna be ok...maybe not today or tomorrow, but eventually."
Staying positive is going a long way for me right now. I just want to get back to the road I was on before this mess happened. It's all I can think about right now...it's gotta stay priority 1. I'll check back in later. thanks for listening.
I kept saying to myself in the midst of this bender that all the pain I felt the last time I got sober was due to benzo withdrawal. NOT TRUE. it was a hard lesson to learn that alcohol withdrawal feels just as heinous as benzo withdrawal. I just had been going through both at the same time last time. this is something I will never forget.
I keep saying to myself "Everything is gonna be ok...maybe not today or tomorrow, but eventually."
Staying positive is going a long way for me right now. I just want to get back to the road I was on before this mess happened. It's all I can think about right now...it's gotta stay priority 1. I'll check back in later. thanks for listening.
High on Life
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Been to Hell and Back
Posts: 1,157
Staying positive is important, staying connected seems to help to. Why did you disappear off the boards before, were you getting antsy? You have so much positive energy to contribute here.
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