Sunny27

Hi there fellow SR people

this is my first post under this name. I went to register earlier and realised my email address was in use from 2009, when I obviously registered and had forgotten about it.

Well, I am here because I am admitting to myself that I am an alcoholic and I can't deny it to myself anymore.

I am female, late-30s and have abused alcohol my entire adult life.

I first started drinking in college at 18. I was a shy teenager and loved the idea of drinking and getting out of my head. I had a very dysfunctional childhood and it seemed that alcohol numbed those feelings of sadness. My mum had mental issues and was in and out of mental hospitals since I can remember and I was her carer. My father divorced her when i was young and was a useless father. Neither of them drank. Well, my mum maybe a bottle of wine a week. I was not brought up around alcohol like so many were.

If I had known then the lonely path alcohol abuse would lead me, I'd have put a stop to it, but at that age and finally feeling free and confident, there was no chance of that happening.

I made a lot of friends in college and we were all big drinkers. That carried on after college. I seemed to live for going out and socialising.

I had a loving boyfriend but my insecurity and paranoia that he would cheat (as my father had done) pushed him away after several years. That break-up left me a broken woman. I saw him as my route to happiness; he did seem to really love me (my own father was out of the scene then as I cut contact with him when I was 12). Anyway, that break-up was the catalyst to me drinking more.

This carried on for years, usually just wine and spirits. I surrounded myself with friends that drank and in my 20s, there were plenty of obliging friends.

I moved overseas in my late 20s and found myself happy to be away from home, but lacking in so many ways - I did not have a normal family, if anything I was ashamed of them (I never felt I fit in).

I had a string of uneventful relationships that were always based around drinking.

I moved countries again 2.5 years later to where I currently live now. Again it was difficult as I knew no-one, but I made friends easily and then fell into a long-distance relationship with a binge drinker. I loved him but his drinking only served to escalate my own and he cheated on me numerous times.

This relationship - on/off carried on for 8 years. In the times we weren't together I moved in and had relationships with a pot-smoking violent thug and then an alcoholic (had been in rehab) but still drank.

I sit here now and think what was I doing with these using low-lifes (they all were). I can't believe I wasted years in a drunken fuzz.

I was the party girl at work, always suggesting drinks and am never the one to say 'right, I'm off'. Once I start drinking I want the party and fun to continue as it still serves as my escape.

I met a decent guy recently and blew that by being a drunken idiot and making a total fool of myself.

I am well liked, intelligent and yet feel a fraud a lot of the time.

I drink at home a lot if I can't find anyone to go out with me after work. I can drink a bottle of wine and feel hardly any effect these days.

I don't drink every day, but most days at least a glass of wine. I think it a big deal when I go 2 days without a drink and I know that is not normal.

I have not drank today. I feel as because it is a new year I want to start off on the right foot. I don't want to make the bad relationship choices, I don't want to **** of the good guys, but most importantly I don't want to spend the next 10 years waking up feeling regret, anxiety, stress and self-loathing.

I know it is never too late to quit, but at 39 I don't know if I have wasted the best years of my life and that brings me to tears.

I don't sleep well and know that is the result of drinking and I often feel I am depressed - a direct result of constant boozing.

I apologise if this is all over the place, but I just had to get it all out. Perhaps there is someone out there that can relate?

I want to be free of this dependance and I want to live. Live a different, happier life.

Thanks so much for reading, I didn't intend this to be so long.

Sunny.

Impurrfect

(((Sunny))) - Welcome back!! You're in good company, and you really do deserve a life without all the stuff that alcohol brings. I don't know how much you've been drinking, but it's probably a good idea to see a doctor. Alcohol withdrawal can be serious, and it's always a good idea to get checked out. I told my doctor about my addictive history, the first time I met him and though he's left the practice, I'm still blessed with an awesome doctor.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

Scolova

Good for you with getting that out and realizing it's time for change.
We cannot solve our problems with the use of alcohol nor can we even begin to heal with it coursing through our vanes.
Best wishes.

Itchy

How about everyone here can relate, you have outlined the lives we all rejected and fought so hard to recover from.

Welcome back Sunny!

Do you have a recovery plan? Or are going to try the same things that didn't work all those times before? I used in hospital detox, local counseling, my Docs, AA, her on SR my wife and family and friends, all were a part of my recovery plan. I made it.

You came to the right place.

Sunny27

Thank you so much for your reply, Amy.

I had one glass of wine yesterday with lunch and haven't touched a drop since and feel OK. I stayed up till about 11.30pm and went to bed and slept right through. I actually feel fine today.

Maybe the withdrawal symptoms take a few days to kick in? I don't know. I don't feel ill or jittery, if anything just scared of not being able to stay off it and help myself, if that makes sense.

I really want a new life for myself. Drinking never bought me happiness, just loathing. I look at people that can have one or two and think, why can't I do that and I know the reason is I am an alcoholic and that upsets me so much.

I will see a doctor if I experience any symptoms, I have no shame in doing so if it will help me.

Many thanks for your lovely and thoughtful reply.

xxx

Sunny27

Scolova and Itchy - thank you.

I don't really have a recovery plan. I am not that far along. The realisation has hit me even though it has been on my mind a long time.

I live in a small place and am not comfortable going to AA. I also don't drive so can't really get to the next town without a lot of expense on taxis - money I don't have at the moment.

I did go off it for three months a few years back but then started drinking again. I feel I have a real resolve now as I am 40 this year and can't waste any more of my life - I have wasted so much.

My friends will be shocked, but the ones I have now are very good people and will support me. I don't want to tell them how dependent I am - they all know I love a drink but not how much I drink at home alone. It escalated in the lead-up to Christmas.

I just want to find peace and to love myself. I do a lot of good in my community - volunteer work etc and am a good person and friend but I am also an alcoholic and that is stopping me truly love and care for myself the way I should.

Thank you all for making me feel so welcome. Reading other people's stories has really motivated me to beat this.

Dee74

Hi Sunny

welcome back

You don't need to be 'far along' to have a recovery plan

Personally I think a plan should be a main priority - read around here, post as much as you like and you're sure to get some ideas - even something as simple as seeing your DR can be the start of a plan

I was your age when I quit so I can reassure you - it's never too late - and the last 5 years or so have been amazing and wonderful.

I wish the same kind of experience for you

D

raindancer11

Welcome back, Sunny!

I can really relate to your post especially the part about feeling like a fraud. Keep reading and posting. It helps more than you can imagine.

Sunny27

Thank you all

Are there any symptoms I should be looking out for? The last time I quit I had really vivid dreams, but that was about it.

So lovely to hear how sobriety leads to real happiness. I wonder if I ever have really felt that way? I don't know if I have. Sad but true but no point focusing on what I can't change. I want to focus on what I can.

Itchy

The detox symptoms vary, what you need to do is see your doctor and be perfectly honest with him or her. I hear that with each quit the detox gets worse but I haven't relapsed yet to see and won't. Instead of telling your doc that you drink 5 or 6 drinks when you really are drinking, if you were like me, 30 units a day, tell your doc how much. (1 Unit= 1 oz of hard liquor, 6 oz, of wine, 12 oz beer)

Detox can be very dangerous and even fatal in some cases, so it is prudent to have the support, with full disclosure, of your doctor at a minimum.

Sunny27

Thanks Itchy,

I'd probably have a bottle and a half of wine every third day. Some days a glass or two, some days nothing.

I haven't drank today and the difference is I am not looking forward to drinking tomorrow. I simply don't want to.

I will make an appointment with my GP and be honest about my intake. Thank you.

Hevyn

Pleased to meet you, sunny! It's wonderful to have you part of SR.

I know you are filled with regret, but 39 is very young. I kept on going with my drinking for many more years, & that caused all sorts of danger and chaos in my life. This won't happen to you! A whole new life awaits. 2012 can be the year you kick that stuff to the curb.

Sunny27

Thanks Hevyn

I really want to kick it to the curb. It's ruled my life too long. Financially I am not in a great place so it makes even better sense to get on top of this now.

I am going to keep reading this forum. The stories give me such hope that I can beat the addiction and be a happy person without using wine to prop me up.

The stuff is lethal and always sends me loopy. I suppose that is why I drank it in the past - it gave the quickest buzz.

I am sick of the blackouts and wondering how I managed to get home in my drunken state. I never want to have those feelings again. I hated myself those mornings

blackoutgirl

By taking the plunge and joining this forum takes a lot of guts. It's one thing to know that you have an alcohol problem, but it takes courage to write it down. When I wrote my first post, I felt like I'd finally validated and admitted to myself that I was an alcoholic.

There's something about putting feelings into words and just letting it all out. I'm only 13days sober, however, this has been a very eye opening 13 days.

Symptoms come and go, the next day might be more annoying than the last, but I've stuck with it regardless of the mind f*** I experienced.

I would definitely recommend discussing withdrawal symptoms with your doctor. Even if you think you won't have any withdrawal, something within you is going to change, whether it be physical or mental, mild or severe, and each can be equally draining, dangerous, and unpredictable.

At this point I feel like I can have a complete thought without becoming discouraged from feeling "scatter-brained." The "hazy" feeling that enveloped me for almost a week is almost gone. I'm finally starting to feel human again.

I can absolutely relate to your life in so many ways. Alcohol was definitely a way to "self-medicate." I started partying in my early 20's and that seemed all fine and dandy at the time. But gradually the alcohol became a necessity and not just a novelty. I still can't remember exactly when this change occurred. God forbid I sit there alone by myself and watch television without having liquor to escape reality.

The alcohol made me forget that "I" was even there, if that makes sense. After a while I had achieved this feeling, and managed to stay absent not only with myself, but around friends, family, and my boyfriend. I had finally managed to mentally remove myself from everything, but would sit and feel sorry for myself anyway, regardless of the fact that I was alienating myself and others with alcohol.

How pathetic and pitiful...(tiny violin playing in the background)

I had childhood trauma and came from a broken family. Broken promises. Broken trust. Broken sense of belonging. I felt like so many people had "checked-out" of my life that I might as well do the same. What was the point of trying to keep up with everyone else when I felt like they just kept running farther and farther away from me?? So I stopped running after them and started chasing the bottle instead.

I was tired of searching for that feeling of acceptance from others. I wanted a "real" family, not just a family that took me under their wing and claimed me as their own. Selfish, I know.

You are definitely not alone in this and can share your journey with us. I get more enjoyment out of SR than my facebook page! People on here are real and post about real things, real feelings. True happiness, accomplishment, or even disappointment. Much more enlightening than reading about how someone doesn't want to do their laundry or scrub the bathtub.

You have the strength to over come this and plenty of people to lean on here for support

stepping

(((((((SUNNY)))))))) I am here if you need support. I could relate to a lot of your story. Today is day one for me too. Let's end this battle with alcohol once and for all! And Sunny it is never too late to become who you are really meant to be. You havent wasted any years....you were meant to go through them to make you who you are today and will be in future!!! Look at it like this: you are about to meet a woman you never even knew existed. Look forward to that..you deserve that! HUGS!!!

Sunny27

Thank you blackoutgirl so much

I did join this forum under another name and don't even remember doing it. I must have been in a drunken or hungover haze. That shocked me.

I have always worked so was never one to drink all day. But when I did go out I was always the one getting in rounds and telling people to stay. I dread to think of the money I have literally tipped down the drain.

I drank to escape my past. I ran away to escape my past. the two went hand in hand and I can see why I was always drawn to destructive men that drank to excess. I'd rather be alone forever than go through those again.

I have thought in the past I can just cut down, but I realise now that I can't. It has never worked for me as much as I wanted it to. If I could moderate my drinking I'd have done it by now - years ago.

I don't have the off switch... it's a phrase a friend of mine coined about herself.
I just get into that happy buzz and carry on and on.

I have never been hopitalised thank God, although I have fallen and injured myself - broke my foot once. Looking back I have been an utter disaster and yet I still attempted to play it down that I wasn't that bad.

It's no coincidence that every time gifts were given at work, I was given a bottle of Sauvignon Blanc. And that's been at every place I work.

Writing this down is helping so much. I'm finally admitting I am an alcoholic. It makes me cringe at the moment, but there is hope that this is the turning point I have been waiting for.

I'm nervous of socialising in pubs with friends but that is something I will overcome.

The last time i quit for three months a few years back I constantly thought about drinking. It is different this time because I know I can't moderate and if I drink again then my health is at serious risk.

I feel scared but joy is creeping in. I don't really know me sober. I rarely went more than three days without drink, even if it was then just a fe glasses of wine, but still... it is dependence and I am sick to the teeth of it.

Thanks everyone for making me feel so welcome and hopeful xx

Sunny27

Thank you Stepping.

yep, kind of weird I am going to meet a new woman. But I am!

All the very best to you, too, and most definitely keep in touch. I don't want to slip again. I have done it too many times.

My resolve is getting stronger by the hour. I am actually looking forward to a good sleep and waking up and being able to be productive. If the weather is fine I will go for a walk in the early morning and clear the head further

stepping

Wow! Sunny! We are on the SAME exact page.
I keep going in and out of strong BUT have no desire or intention of drinking and letting it rule me anymore!! Let's do this together! We will get a good night sleep and not feel shame, guilt and regret in the morning!
I think getting through the first day/night is going to be the biggest challenge. But look how far we have already come! I have not touched alcohol in 15 hours!! THATS HUGE! And you have made it through the day too!!
It will continue to be a challenge FOREVER but with people like this surrounding us it is going to make it so much easier on us!
Remember we are in control of this and we make the choices to a BETTER and happier haze free (for the most part lol) every second. Every minute we dont poison our body we are healing ourselves not only physically but mentally as well!
One second at a time....it'll get easier, I just know it! I am keeping the faith!
I am here for you!

Sunny27

Thanks stepping - I am here for you,too.

So glad I found this site. Everyone is so lovely. 12noon tomorrow it will be 2 days without a drink.

I have done that before, but never with this kind of resolve. These are all new feelings. Been snacking like a mad thing so will get some exercise tomorrow and start sipping water. I never drink water - ever - so am going to get into the habit of having soda water with my meals. Soda water and lime. Yum!!

Keep posting, stepping, I hear you and am with you every step of the way (pun intended ) We can do this and will be happier and healthier for it.

xx

stepping

I am the opposite rightnow...can't eat usually i am the complete opposite and snack like a mad woman!!! I just did a HUGE move across the country for a new work assignment so maybe exhaustion is playing into that as well.
I'm still scared but am not going to let that defeat me. I think the fact that I start my new assignment Tuesday with all new people and location is part of that scared. I am also in a hotel for a setteling in period til I find somewhere to live so the unfamiliar enviroent probably has me worked up too. But theres never a good time or place to quit..well any time and place is good.....I just reached that fed up point and NOTHING is going to stop me!!!
It's good to have you here to talk to. And reading all the posts here help BIG time. We are not alone in this battle!
I am very proud of you and am finding strength through your attitude and strength! Keep it up!!! HUGS!
It's a summy life ahead (no pun there either ) haha