Supercrew

"i do however care about my kids, and if i stopped it would be all for them, not for me."

Therein lies the problem, you will never stop for someone else, only for yourself for any extended amount of time.

Nikkle

Pink....ssshhh! No one has the power to "make" anyone feel good or bad, happy or sad. We all choose our own response to someone else's opinion. There were some good points in your last post, but you started breaking down. You may choose to drink in response, but even if all the comments had been loving and supportive you might choose to drink for any other number of reasons. Try not using statements like "always, never & everyone". And like Madea said, "It doesn't matter what anyone calls you, it's what you answer to Baby"!

Sugah

Nope. First, I dragged my children through a couple of bad relationships, lost custody of them for awhile, exposed them to my progressive alcoholism and its consequences, ended up in hospitals and psychiatric wards, nearly lost them for good, and finally, nearly died. I've spent the last eight years repairing the damage I did to them.

It's because some of us have been there, have looked back, sober, at where we were, and have been able to formulate a harsh, unflinching assessment of ourselves that it feels like judgment (in the punitive sense) to you. What you think is judgment is what we see as the truth in your situation.

What are you trying to escape?

You've posted here while you were alone with your children and drunk.

Ever see the movie, "Three Kings" with George Clooney?

We can't make you want to quit.

It's an excuse to pick up another drink.

I was sober awhile before I learned to love and respect myself. The booze had to go first for that to happen.

Well, it won't sustain you for long, but it can be a motivation. I quit initially because I finally saw my kids deserved a better mother than I could be drunk. Eventually, my reasons for quitting became more about me and the kind of person I wanted to be.

But I can tell you this: losing custody of your kids hurts, but you can drink more to numb the pain--even tell yourself you're better off, can party more if you don't have them to take care of. That's some serious selfishness, but as alcoholism progresses, so does the selfish nature of our thoughts and actions. I'm grateful my kids weren't harmed while in my care, but I know people for whom that's not true, and they've used it as another excuse to drink more.

You could do that. Suicide among us happens. It's the ultimate selfish action, and of those who manage it successfully, most, I suspect, don't really want to die. The time I ended up in ICU for eleven days, I didn't want to die. I wanted my partner to feel sorry for me and get off my back about my drinking. But I was almost successful.

If you do have suicidal thoughts, or romanticize how much everyone will be sorry if you die, it's time for some professional help. AA can help you if you have a desire to quit drinking, and the steps can teach you how to move out of this self-centered state, but AA is not equipped to keep you safe from yourself. Perhaps you belong in a hospital where you can get some professional help.

I understand where you are. I don't pity you or feel sorry for you because, having been in your shoes, I know it doesn't help. What I do pray is that you don't become a date in someone's signature line like my friend, Amanda, is in mine.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

Isaiah

I started taking advice when I was ready to ask for it. When I came to this site back in 2008 and said, "help me I don't know what I am doing." But FOR SURE if all I did was respond to everything with "but I don't want to quit drinking" then nothing is going to help.

I assure you, Pinkfirefly, you are not the only person who finds it hard, who used alcohol to escape and who suffers from feelings of self-loathing. The only thing that is making you stand out a bit here is that most people come here wanting things to change and are willing to do *something* other than continue to drink to have a better life. You are not the big exception or the lost cause here.

You do not have to be miserable, you do not have to put the bottle in between you and your family, and you do not have to keep asking us the same question over and over again expecting to get a different answer any time. But you will have to make changes in your life in order to begin. Just coming here and asking us to validate you saying you want to stop drinking and keep drinking is not going to get you anywhere. We can't untangle that knot for you.

SSIL75

Maybe you drink because you're an alcoholic. And you hate yourself because you're an alcoholic.

I honestly made things so freaking complicated for myself. I drink because I'm stressed! Because I'm lonely! Because I have ADD! (which magically cured itself when I quit drinking). Because I'm European!

No, I drink because I like to drink. And all the tackling the stress, loneliness, ADD and European heritage issues nonsense didn't do anything until I STOPPED DRINKING.

No more drinking? Suddenly life is not that freaking stressful. I'm not that lonely now that I can leave the house after 4pm or attend almost 00% of the things I sign up for because I'm not hungover every.single.day anymore.

I KNOW it's hard. Everyone knows it's hard. We've ALL been trapped or are currently trapped in the nasty cycle. Chronically exhausted, funneling poison down our throats day in day out. Shrouded in a blanket of shame and more shame. THAT'S why we're frustrated with you. Because you say you're trying but WHAT exactly are you trying? Tell me anything. Tell me you're trying moderation or you're seeking help for your depression or SOMETHING!!

Just do.something.

bellakeller

It took me two years of AA and then a stint in rehab before I was able to get a year sober. It took a lot of work. But I knew I couldn't be a good mother and still continue to drink. I didn't drink alot when my kids were awake either, I never drove while drunk, they saw me passed out a couple of times and that was my bottom enough to get serious about being sober. Alcohol and motherhood cannot coexist in my world so one of them had to go and I wasn't willing to leave my kids without a mother or even half a mother. They don't deserve to have a mother hungover, drunk or preoccupied with drinking.

I had to get some serious help beyond just the program of AA too. My drinking was masking a serious depression that gets worse and worse if left untreated. My kids don't deserve to have a mother so consumed by depression that she cannot be present for them- especially when it is treatable. I owe it to them to get help with depression; I am responsible for keeping this treatable illness at bay.

And I alone am responsible for getting treatment for both illnesses - alcoholism and depression. Nobody else can do this for me. Bummer that it is, it's still my reality.

So, yeah. I had to start somewhere too. And I started by getting help. And when the help I got was not enough, I got more help. And when that was not enough, I stretched further.

I just had to be willing to go to any lengths to get sober. The pain my alcoholism caused was enough to make me willing.

Fandy

Old 10-26-2010, 10:19 PM #9 (permalink)
pinkfirefly
PinkFirefly


Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Wausau WI
Posts: 37

yea. ok every one. jeez. I give up. I thought people who had the same problem would be a little more supportive. but every one's so high handed and stuck up about every thing. all I'm looking for is encouragement. I know that I need to seek help out side of this forum, but I thought it was for posting and just having some understanding. Its not like I;m posting every day. I havn't even been on here in over a week. I'll just stay off from now on. no one cares or understands. I'll do it all on my own. I don't need all the negative comments it just makes me more depressed. sorry for wasting every one's time.


If you don't change what you are doing, nothing changes(since OCTOBER)....maybe it's time to stop playing the victim and take control of your life.

least

No one here is being 'mean', we're just being honest. The ones who are going to be really mean are the people from Children's Services who take your kids away from you cause you're an active alcoholic. Now that will be mean indeed. But it won't be mean for your kids. It will be safety for them. Safety and security that they don't have right now with you drinking around them, even just a 'little bit'.

Kjell

Pink - I got an idea on making a little headway here.

How about being willing to try one AA meeting. Just one. Go with an open mind and let us know what you think?

I'm not suggesting AA is the only way to recover, but it's usually the easiest meeting to find and attendence is free and you certainly quailify.

How about it? It might just be the jumpstart you need and I bet it'll wake you up a bit to your (and I was there too) alcoholic insanity.

Fandy

If you read through the beginning of PFF's posts she had started to attend AA??/she makes reference to it....but doesn't mention it now.

it's confusing because she asks for help, and says opposite things...like she doesn't drink until her husband is home, but previously was posting that she was drinking at 2PM while she was home alone with the kids???

IDK, it's not for me to judge her immaturity, but she's been looking for validation of her behavior. like everyone says, we hope for a good outcome for her very young children.

Sasha4

Pink - I think your probably making things so much harder for yourself by drinking.

Drinking zaps your motivation, energy, enthusiasm.

How do you do the early morning dirty nappy with the retching sickness that boozing brings if you don't mind me asking?

How do you mop up baby sick without trying to be sick yourself?

How do you have any patience with your kids when you tired, hungover, feeling irritable?

How do you get your kids to nap, when you might not have tired them out by doing activities or going for walks? When you have perhaps spent the morning on the couch waiting for your hangover to pass while the kids amuse themselves. Then spending the afternoon whiling the hours until your first drink.

Perhaps if you got decent sleep, started being healthy, you would not find life so hard. You would spend quality time with your kids. Get up raring to go. Go to bed happy, tired and ready to have a fun filled day with your kids.

Perhaps if your next post was a description of all the things you have done to get and keep sober - AA, reading the big book, SMART, counselling, doctors appointments - people might not be so mean.

It's progress not perfection.

omahawagon

If it were easy to quit, then there would be no need for forums like this.

You see, you can't just wish away a drinking problem. You can't just think that your cravings will magically go away one day. I should know, since I drank for years that way...thinking that I would quit tomorrow. Always tomorrow, as if tomorrow would be the day and I would wake up a completely changed person with no cravings.

As you can imagine, that day never came. So I kept drinking. Because I wanted to, because it made me feel good, because it was EASIER than quitting. I guess I wasn't ready, and there was nothing anyone could ever say that would be enough to make me want to. Tried forums, spent a bit of time being mad at people who would say all it takes to quit drinking is to NOT DRINK because, well, it's not what I wanted to hear. I wanted some magic, something that made it EASY.

Well let me tell you, I wasted YEARS thinking the way you are thinking now. Feeling sorry for myself, thinking the only way I would feel better is if I drank, crawling deeper into the hole of alcoholism. I was running away from myself, drinking to escape from me. But the truth is that doesn't work. I think you know this, too.

The thing is, quitting takes WORK. You have to actively work at it, because it *is* so much easier just to get drunk than to ACTIVELY WORK AT SOBRIETY. Until you are ready to WORK at being SOBER, it is always going to be easier to drink.

It's a choice. You can chose to continue to drink, or you can chose to not drink. There are resources to help you quit: AA, your family physician, books, non-AA support groups, and so on. None of these are going to come knocking on your door, however. They won't be able to help you unless you reach out for help that you really WANT *and* are willing to work for.

If your baby is just 4 weeks old, I am going to assume you have a checkup with your OB/GYN sometime soon. Maybe it would be a good idea to talk to him/her about how you've been feeling and get some feedback. Take KJell's suggestion and try just one AA meeting. Those are small, easy steps towards where you want to be. Do yourself a favor and take one.

pinkfirefly

i said that i don't drink very much in the middle of the day when im watching my children. maybe a couple drinks, and i drink the most at night when my husband is home. just to set the record straight.

Dee74

Thanks for setting the record straight PFF.

I used to drink during the day too - I used to insist I was fine - sometimes very forcefully - but I know now I wasn't.

I was very lucky that nothing bad ever happened cos I'm not sure I would have been able to get it together....I can't count the number of times I nodded off with a lit cigarette tho - God must have been watching me I think.

Do you really think a couple of drinks during the day watching the kids is ok, PFF?
Would you pay a baby sitter who did that?

D

Sasha4

If you took your kids to daycare and the staff were sitting around having a early eye opener, a pre lunch drink, a liquor coffee after their meal, an afternoon beer - would you be happy leaving them there Pink, I mean seriously?

What if something, god forbid happened to your children in the middle of the night and you needed to go to ER, what do you think they would think if you rocked stinking of booze and drunk?

Just to set the record, you should not be drinking AT ALL IF YOU ARE AT HOME DURING THE DAY WITH YOUR BABIES ON YOUR OWN.

Grow up

pinkfirefly

i know its not ok to drink during the day watching my kids. its obviously not. but i never let myself get to the point where i can't watch them. i just am so miserable in the middle of the day, and to get through it i have a drink sometimes. i know its not right. i do. i'm gonna stop drinking in the middle of the day. and then work on trying to stop drinking at night. i was thinking if i have a plan. maybe i could try just cutting back. if i cut back to maybe drinking one night a week instead of every night. that might be a start. i'm gonna try to do that first.

suki44883

Why are you so miserable in the middle of the day?

Dee74

I never knew when I would be incapable - thats the scary part of things - especially when you bring responsibilities like kids in the equation.

As for cutting back - most of us tried that - didn't work - if we could cut back there'd be no problem....

haven't you tried that several times already, PFF?
D

tmbg

Pink-
If I recall correctly, you mentioned being treated for depression. Is that still happening?

Sasha4

Took the words right out of my mouth!