RV GTO

PFF, Do you have the AA meeting schedule for your area?

Northern Wisconsin and U.P. of Michigan A.A. Homepage

Click on the meetings tab then district 8 - it will give you the meeting schedule and hotline number.

pinkfirefly

seeing a counselor once every couple weeks, and i am on some anti depressants. but don't think they really help. and yes, know that the anti depressants and drinking don't mix. and yes i have tried cutting back in the past. it hasn't always been successful. but i did manage to cut back a lot during my pregnancy. so maybe with the proper motivation, i could do it again. i dunno. i'm gonna give it a try. i just have a hard time imagining giving up alcohol completely forever. live with out alcohol, it just seems so impossible. i want to be like every one else, and be in control. and be able to drink moderately.

suki44883

All alcoholics would like that, PFF. Unfortunately, we have to play the hand we're dealt and if you are an alcoholic, you will not be able to moderate your drinking for long. That's just a fact.

You say you drink during the day because you are so miserable. Again, why are you so miserable? Doesn't it make sense to try to figure out why you are miserable and then fix that problem? Many people use alcohol to self-medicate, but it's never a good idea and alcohol never cured anything.

Why not work on fixing the real problem and the drinking just might take care of itself. You'll never know if you continue on the path you are currently on.

bellakeller

When your wannas don't fit into your reality, it's time to make changes. Normal drinkers don't have to set the record straight about not "drink[ing] very much in the middle of the day".

I am praying for you and your family. I hope nothing awful happens while you're trying to figure this out, Sweetie.

Much love.

pinkfirefly

why im so miserable. well, its complicated. i dunno. i've always been a depressed person, and sometimes i can't always explain or understand why i'm upset. i just am. my moods change so fast. I have a very low self esteem. also, its hard for me, taking care of children every day of my life. i have no life. all i ever do is take care of kids 24/7. i never have any time for myself. im so stressed and worn out. for once i wanna live and do stuff for me. i love my kids, but i'm still young and i want to do some things i wanna do. also, my husband and i fight a lot, and every since he got back from iraq he isn't the nicest to me either. he's changed a lot. sometimes i dunno if i'm in love with him any more. and no he does have any issues from the war, he didn't see anything bad when he was over there. he was in a safe place. and another thing, please don't judge me. this makes me a terrible person, but i'm in love with a guy who i had dated in high school. we had an affair in the last year or so, and i love him, but he doesn't love me anymore. he isn't a very nice guy tho, so i know im better off with out him. my husband treats me a lot better. so i'm depressed because of that situation, i feel guilty and feel like a terrible wife and mother. i never make the right decisions. i have an addictive personality my counselor says, i reach for anything to make me feel better. she says the drinking, the drugs, my ex boyfriend are all self destructive things i do to myself to try and find some happiness, or get a high out of life. to be happy. i'm just telling you all this stuff so you understand what i'm going through. not to judge me ok.

tmbg

The reason I asked is because I was once in a position to have the "meds aren't working" discussion with my doctor, and she was very willing to make changes based upon my report. I ended up moving on to a psychiatrist for better medication management than my primary care doctor could give.

Have you discussed your situation in detail with your counselor/doctor the say way you do here and give the same information (drinking/dmx while pregnant, drinking during the day/around your children, the preoccupation with drinking, the questions you post here on SR/the information you're given/how you react, hiding your drinking from your husband, etc.?

I ask because of how concerned my own doctors/counselors have been when I mentioned my issues with alcohol and continuing depression. Without fail, they all suggested treatment plans that did not include drinking. Quite the opposite.

ETA: I'm not coming down on you, really. Lots of us have/have had lots of trouble being honest about the extent of our problem.

Fandy

is there anyway you can do something positive for yourself during the day that doesn't involve drinking?

is there an exercise class, gym with a nursery? something you enjoy with other people around so you are NOT isolate stuck in the house with no adult conversation?

Does AA offer any activities? movie nights? coffee hour before a meeting? sometimes just 30-45 mins. of light conversation with an ADULT is enough to lift you a bit.

even a small job for a couple of hours a day? something POSITIVE for you....that involves getting you out.

Nyte Byrd

Your kids are only 16 months and 4 weeks old? Some parents have been handling kids for years feeling as you do....and they don't drink and have learned to deal with it. And from what I have read it sounds like everything you have done so far has been doing stuff for 'you' so far.

It sounds like obviously you got into a relationship much too soon as you sound much too immature to be in one at all.

Obviously.

Yeah...it really sounds it. You fight a lot you say! Sheesh!

Well, I have to say, if it were me, and I had an affair on my mate, who was serving this country, I suppose that wouldn't have made me a husband of the year candidate, and I probably would have deserved to feel guilty for being so selfish for getting involved in some teenybopper high school affair.

No, you don't apparently. And I don't think once you've even had the decency to acknowledge to anyone about going to an AA meeting. And to be honest, I think you have a lot of nerve to accuse others here of being judgmental of you when all they have tried to do was help you. I haven't even disallowed the possibility that you are here just to troll this forum with some antic games. I don't think I've ever seen anyone with Dear Abby lines on post like this since I've read here.

Now, if anyone thinks I'm being judgmental or harsh, sobeit. But somehow I think patting this one on the back is only going to enable her. IF she is for real, she has a LOT of growing up to do, and needs to realize the world isn't all about her and her own selfishness. IF those kids are going to have a chance to survive, her getting immediate help in a program is her only chance.

Venting here, and playing footsy, isn't going to do it, anymore than this 'cutting' down crap.

Then obviously you are on the wrong forum. This forum is for those who are looking for ways to stop drinking and drugging, not looking for ways to learn how to drink safely again.

Nikkle

Pink, the first time I seriously tried to quit drinking was after my 17 year old son, who had always been anti-drug/drink got caught smoking pot at school. All his friends were in shock because he was always so strong. No...even then I didn't quit, had to make an excuse to the school why I couldn't pick him up for a couple hours. Good thing I had only had 1 1/2 tall boys by 11 AM, right? Took a shower, brushed my teeth 3 times, put on perfume, ate a sandwich with garlic and onions...oh yeah-got my precious 2 year old daughter out of her jammies finally and made her a PBJ. Finally sobered up, I went to pick him up and meet with the principal. It was pretty embarrassing for me when he announced to all in the office that I was a drunk and had no room to talk. So on the way home, I explained to him how he would be grounded from going anywhere for a while and his steps back to freedom. He refused to accept any of it, and my son who has never said so much as sh_t in front of me started calling me all kinds of filthy words. Never mind the precious little girl between us taking it all in. I decided to drop him off in town so I didn't have to deal with him screaming and cussing at me anymore...no, that's not why...I couldn't very well get hammered if he was at home antagonizing me could I? When he finally came home, we were in constant battle and he punched holes in several doors and walls. The cops came out once and called him a selfish spoiled brat...I made sure not to drink that night so I wouldn't look bad. Finally, he decided to moved out, to live with a friend who's parents grew and smoked pot all day long. They had stolen my son! The nerve! At least I had alcohol to sooth my broken heart. The day he came back to get all of his things, watching him carry out all those memories, throwing away things I thought he treasured, leaving nothing but the empty space where his bed used to be and a few torn corners where posters had hung...I realized I had not been there at all for my son those last few years after his step-dad had died. (his real dad died when he was 3) I had used alcohol as a salve for the raw stinging emotions inside me. I felt like a popped blister inside and those first few swallows would take it away like a wave of relief. That night I dreamed of a dark shadowy figure...it was alcohol, and it spoke to me in a sympathetic, reassuring voice. "You're in so much pain, how much anguish should one person have to bear with so little joy in return? I can see you are tired, come here, let me help you Come rest here for a little while to regain your strength. You can go back anytime, but for now, allow yourself not to feel" I felt afraid that it was evil, but it pulled its cloak around me in a gentle embrace and promised as long as I stayed with it, I would feel no pain, sorrow, shame, guilt or loss. But at what cost? I asked...It said it would trade with me at a later date, but promised to never take anything important to me. In the dream I accepted its offer and agreed to trade. Still in the dream, I saw myself drunk and nearly unresponsive. I was no longer draped in the shadowy thing's cloak...it had moved away from me and was now standing behind my son. I wanted to cry out stop, but could not. It raised it's cloak, and my boy disappeared. It was then that I realized alcohol had kept it's promise. It kept me from feeling. Long enough for my beautiful son to become unimportant. It then came back to offer sympathy and another drink...not looking at me, but my 4 other kids behind me.
After that dream, I went to AA once a week with no sponsor or other support and quit for almost 7 months. The terror and shock wore off and I found myself drinking more than ever...mostly during the day with my little girl beside me. I even went to a few AA and Celebrate Recovery meetings drunk. I had lots of head knowledge, knew what a truly loving mother should do and felt as bad as I could...but really, my ability to care was shot. I had moments of desperate clarity...very short moments. Sometimes I"d get drunk and cry and beg for help, saying " please God, I can't do this alone, God please don't take my babies, God please don't kill me or bring great tragedy to our lives, please help me stop now before it's too late." Then I got my DUI on 12-02-10. Today makes day 27 of sobriety. This time I am working for sobriety. I have God, family & friends support, 4 meetings a week, this site, getting a sponsor and accountability partners and the state of Oregon to help me. Guess what? I still miss beer! I choose a better life today. Thank God I will be under the legal microscope for the next 2 years because I want to want it! That is why I pray God gives you exactly what you need, Love. He will not ignore your tears.

Fandy

Nytebird has said what a lot of us are thinking....

Pink you can sink or swim, the *choice* is up to you...but playing footsie is a fantasy.

I can guarantee you that if you stay on the same path, you are going to wind up losing everything and the custody of your children LEGALLY...BTW, who is watching your daughter while you are "having an affair" in the "last year".....were you pregnant while having it?

Complicated is an understatement....these issues are going to eat you alive if you don't face facts and decide you need real help. I'm *assuming* since your husband is military, you have govt. insurance benefits...USE THEM to get yourself some help.

i'm done here, i can't deal with this wall. best of luck to you, you are going to need it.

Britta

Hi,
Your cries sound so sad to me.... The fact that you keep returning here speaks volumes to me. It shows that there is that inkling of fight in you that knows you should and wants to quit. i don't know you (I am new here... this is the 1st of your posts for me) but if Daddy is in the picture, maybe you should admit yourself into a good rehab. You are really putting your little angels at risk when you drink around them. We all enjoyed our little drinks.... we get it... but we also know we cannot drink. I will hold you and your children in my prayers and thoughts.

Britta

WOW!
I just read that you were drinking during your pregnancy. That really infuriates me!! It took many dr's, lots of methods and $1,000's to finally get pregnant. It used to kill me when i would see young girls with two or three kids in tow. I dropped the alcohol, cigarettes, and bad eating habits IMMEDIATELY when I found out I was pregnant!! You sound as though you are very young. Did you plan these children? Forget it, I don't want to know. You need to take action right now. Stop posting and DO SOMETHING!!

Nyte Byrd

And I do hope you are right. After reading back some as suggested, I felt I had to agree with another here, that I had to consider the possibility this poster could be just 'playing' you all here.

I understand what it was like myself when my kids were small and I looked in the mirror one day and it hit me that my life was not my own anymore and what I was responsible for. Sometimes I think some don't realize that and they just think the children are some added luggage burdens in their lives to dump off at sitters while they go to the clubs in the sports cars they have loans on while they whine how they can't afford the necessities for baby needs.

I used to post on another forum some years back. Some goth chick single mom with kids used to post there. Used to post about her "Boyfriend of the Month". She posted about her good time she had at the movies with him one evening. As an 'add on' to her share, she mentioned, as if it was drudge, 'oh yeah, we took the kids, too!'. I commented back. Oh wow, man! That must have been a bummer!!

It's just that I had to realize the only way I could honestly say I loved my kids was to 'show it'...not just say it. And continuing to choose to drink or drug certainly was NOT in any way, shape or form showing that I loved my kids. And I probably had as many, if not more excuses to feel sorry for myself back then, to want to ease the pain I was going through. But I went through the same he11 many others did to get sober and I stopped thinking of myself for a change in my life and did what was the right thing to do for those kids. And that was give them an 'honest' chance. The smallest deed outweighs the grandest intention. I could've vented on some site for months and months and whined till the cows came home. It wouldn't have reaped me anything until I made that choice to get up off my lazy butt and get to a meeting. In my case, being the junkie I was, I had to check myself into rehab again in 1987.

Now if someone else does not wish to offer the help others have and mistake their kindness for being mean, then there are many others willing to accept those peoples' offerings who ARE teachable today. Maybe one day the unteachable ones will learn to grow up one day.

Dee74

Closing this for Carol to look at.

CarolD

Many of us have shared our experiences and concerns with Pink
on this thread and her previous ones.

There comes a time that personal responsibilty must be done
for anyone interested in recovery....action not wishes is required.

There is nothing new to be added in my opinion.
Thanks everyone for sharing.

I sure hope Pink will find her way..praying that will happen.

Thanks Dee for closeing this ...time to move on everyone