pinkfirefly

I am a mother to my 16 month old daughter and 4 week old baby boy. i love them both so much. and i still have my drinking problem. i know. every body yells at me and tell me i need to do something about it and stop this. but its so hard. i still reach for the alcohol when i'm upset, and have a glass of wine in the middle of the day, or sneak some vodka in my drink at night. i just love the feeling too much. i know its bad and self destructive. but what's it gonna take me to quit this. i know i've posted here before, and people are probably sick of hearing my stuff. but i just really don't know what to do. because it feels impossible. like i dont' want to stop, but i know that i need to stop. i just don't know how i'm gonna stop or what its gonna take or if i ever will be able to.

suki44883

You don't want to stop badly enough. That's all this is. You come here every week or two and post these things, then go away while we all post and try to get you to do what you KNOW you should do but won't. Not can't. Won't.

I've asked this question several times and you have never once answered it. What is stopping you from getting the help you need?

goldengirl3

The fact that you keep posting here ... just seems like you are desperate for some attention. Maybe you are enjoying getting away with what you are doing? The drama of having the two little ones and keep drinking and just can't stop and no one is stopping you? The fact that you are sneaking at home...are you dying for someone to notice and show that they care?

I don't know you and I'm not meaning this mean or try to yell at you.

Suppose what I'm questioning is right...when are you going to put that stuff aside and make the children the priority? And yourself?

I say stop the game, pick up the phone. Call someone that you know will care and tell them to get you some help.

In time your self-esteem will get better and you won't need this anymore.

By the way, posting here and getting everyone going and focused on you is drama too. Drama drama drama.

Fandy

pinkfirefly....I say this with the best thoughts for you...

put on your Big Girl Panties and Grow UP...your kids need you! what do you WANT to be....the drunken embarrassment to them a few years down the road?...the booze you *love* so much will take everything from you.

actions speak louder than words...if your kids were very sick, would you ignore the problem? YOU deserve the same type of self-care..you are in charge of your own life...if you don't change it, it won't change.

i'm asking the same question Suki is...???

i hope this is the time you make a conscious effort IRL.

bellakeller

Do you really need us to answer that question for you? Or are you just typing this out in hopes that you'll somehow be forgiven and you'll magically stop drinking? We can't do that for you either....

I know you've said you are getting help but you need to up the ante now because obviously your current help is not all you require. Please get more help. We moms don't have the luxury of stalling on this.

Sudz No More

You don't want to stop so don't. I didn't want to stop for years and I didn't, people would tell me all the time to cut down and I would blow them off. I didn't care about the dangers because I still couldn't feel them or see them. I didn't get belligerent or do stupid things or act drunk so I figured I was good to go. Until, I started getting brain fog, light headed and heart palpitations. Then I was like whoa, OK maybe I'm done. I had reached that moment when I knew enough was enough.

You are not there yet. Should you be? Maybe. Will you ever be? Only time or your body will tell. Let's hope it is common sense before permanent damage occurs. I never posted here until I was ready to quit. By all means, I encourage you to keep posting if it makes you feel more in touch with the idea of sobriety. I just think you need to make that choice and begin down the sober path. Until then, keep drinking and drink until your time comes, everyones time comes in one way or another. Which way will it be?

suki44883

If it weren't for the fact that you have little ones (one a newborn) in your care, I wouldn't even respond to your threads. But, because the situation is so scary, I guess I just hope something someone here says to you will make you realize that you just aren't trying hard enough. You have to be willing to do whatever it takes. You just aren't there.

At least, arrange for someone else to watch your babies if you are going to drink. Drinking while you are caring for innocent little lives is a recipe for disaster. If you want to drink, then drink; but make sure your babies are safe!

Dee74

I never had kids but this was me too - I nearly died because the only thing I was really prepared to do was pick up another bottle, PFF.

Have you looked for help - doctor, counsellor, rehab, recovery group like AA or something?

D

SSIL75

IMO, You just don't want it badly enough.

newby1961

I have a different take on this and maybe its because I am new here and this is your 1st post I have ever read? IMO if you didn't want to stop you wouldn't be on here reaching for help, even if you did want attention there are others places I am sure you could go to? I also don't think you are here to cause drama, I believe you and I feel your pain. The thing is though, there is nothing any of us can say or do that you already don't know, especially if you have posted on here various times. IMO people don't quit till they are desperate enough to quit, or till they hit a bottom that they never want to go to again. What is scary about you is you have been given so many chances, and it sounds like none of your consequences have been that bad yet? It would really stink if something happened to one of your babies due to your drinking, and don't think that can't happen there are scores of women who this has happened to. I would hate to hear someday that you were at one of their funerals and you were still asking "Will I ever be able to stop". This is a progressive and fatal disease and it affects everyone who comes in contact with us. For your babies sake, I hope you get the help, they deserve a sober mom.

Anna

Pinkfirefly,

You need to want to stop, and you don't.

You come here and post about your problem every couple of weeks, you get lots of support and good advice, and you don't want it.

I continue to send prayers for your two children.

suki44883

I am a mother to my 16 month old daughter and 4 week old baby boy. i love them both so much. and i still have my drinking problem. i know. every body yells at me and tell me i need to do something about it and stop this. but its so hard.

Life itself is hard. Trying to live a sober life is even harder. It's really hard work. Quitting is easy. Staying quit is hard. You have to want it with your whole heart. You have to be willing to do some really hard things and face some really hard cravings. That's why a program can be so helpful. There will be others just like you who have a hard time staying stopped.

The main thing is that you have to make the decision. You've been flip-flopping about it for months now, and it's time to make that hard decision before something tragic happens. Everyone thinks it can't happen to them, but it does. It does.

artsoul

Hey pink - what I would recommend is that you go back and read all the posts you've made and what people have suggested, because there's some great advice on those threads. I think people here have just run out of ideas on what to tell you.

MsCooterBrown

It is like watching the hampster that runs in the wheel..he keeps running and running and never goes anywhere.
Or getting trapped in the turnabout in Boston..you go round and round until some kind soul lets you out and you can finally drive towards your destination.
We are trying to let you out Pink...You choose to go in circles.
Time for you to send those babies off to MIL and do some serious rehab. I hope you are telling real life people what you tell us..maybe then you will get some intervention...

Nyte Byrd

I could share with you all the terrible things that came from my drinking and drugging and one would think they would have been enough of a bottom.

But let me share with you what my actual bottom was.
It was in my last rehab in 1987. I was 36 years old then.
My sons were 1 and 3 then. Oh, and how I swore to the world to everyone how I loved them, too.

But when I watched a film that asked what my favorite thing was....the most important thing in my life....instinctly I thought of 'speedballing'. I was an 18 year IV heroin/cocaine user. Oh, how I LOVED it!!

Then the next question was, if that was taken away from me for good, what could take it's place.

In my head, here was this 'void'. I sat and pondered, and pondered for endless minutes. Had been halfway around this crazy world in my life, and I couldn't think of a darn thing that could take it's place.

Then my sons came to mind. And ALL that supposed 'love' I had professed to others I had for them. Not even they could take the place in that 'void'. Well, needless to say 'niagara falls'. I sat there with my gutless heart in my hands feeling like a broken man with no spirit.

When I made the most important decision of my life in going back to AA meetings and getting a sponsor and attending meetings daily, in time things improved.

In a few years, while on the road during a job transfer I had to accept before relocating my family, during Christmas, one of my sons, who was about 6 by that time, left a terse message on my recorder, asking me what my 'favorite' thing was. Instinctly, I said in the room alone and aloud...'YOU are, Chad, YOU are!!'. I hadn't realized, he was trying to find out what to get me for Christmas. It wasn't until I hung up the memories of a few years prior came to mind, and what my 'instinctive' response was back in 1987.....it left me with chills, and I felt like if nothing good ever happened to me in sobriety again, that was okay, cause I had been 'fulfilled'.

And they can be fulfilled for you, too. Sounds like you need to stop making the same excuses I used to, and take the action it takes. Get your butt to meetings, get a sponsor and start your recovery. You have the most beautiful reasons to get sober of all. Don't throw it away.

It's true what they say about children. They grow up before you know it. My sons are 24 and 26 now and out of the house. I am fortunate they were spared seeing an active addict alcoholic for a dad. And icing on the cake, somehow neither ever got involved in drugs or drinking, which is all I really ever asked for out of this deal.

I truly wish you the best.

Nikkle

God knows your heart, even if you have become blind and deaf to reality, I believe there is a healthy loving person inside that makes weak sporadic, half-measured attempts at getting help. Even if you never quit drinking, please keep posting and reaching out. Never give up. I pray that whatever is necessary in your life to keep a hedge of protection around your babies will happen.

ToBeSerene

I agree with most here ... I don't think you are ready to make the commitment for what ever reason. Children learn from their parents or with addicted parents - they don't learn how to cope or relate to others ... they think addictive behaviors are normal.

My niece is an alcoholic, she's 30-ish with two young children. She was the only child of my alcoholic brother. Her children have seen things that they will never forget; I also believe they've been damaged emotionally and psychologically by seeing their Mom drunk - how selfish she is - how unsafe she is, etc.

Your future is in your hands but MOST OF ALL - your children's future is in your hands. Your children deserve your BEST try at parenting.

You have the power - what are you going to do with it??

TheEnd

Sadly enough you will be ready to quit probably when something tragic happens to your children that will be too devastating to erase. Like many other people you will probably need to hit some type of bottom before you decide you really need to quit, I just pray for you and your children that your bottom isn't 6 feet under. Wishing you the best........

Zencat

I developed a plan of recovery to aid me in my sobriety quest. I looked at all the available resources in my community and chose the ones that would make a positive difference in my life as an addict.

In fact when I first entered recovery I wasn't sure I wanted to make such drastic changes in my life with addiction and all. All I knew then that what I was doing caused me suffering and pain. I needed to change that. So I did by being active in my recovery.

IMO, Just like a great many things in life. If you want something so desperately you'll do anything and everything to get it. Recovery is like that.

You can do it and its best done with a good treatment program and support...with plenty commitment.

Lenina

pinkfirefly,

I notice you don't usually reply to your threads but I'm wondering something. Are you looking for permission to drink in some way? If enough people say "mean things" to you, does that give you an "OK" to drink?

I'm not trying to be mean, I'm a recovering alcoholic myself so I know how hard it was to want to want to get sober. Since you can't do that just now, can someone look after the kids until you can want to get sober? There's no shame in that. It might be the best thing for you and your children at this time.

Love,

Lenina