LovesToTravel

[Will i ever be able to stop? ]

I have the tendency not to read threads like this because I know the answer is...only if you want to....you found this site and are asking for help....just as I did over a year ago...you must do this for yourself...and in your case your babies too. I had two that were 14 months apart..they are 22 and 23 now. I can't imagine drinking AND trying to take care of them! I didn't start drinking until the oldest was 16. I was crazed just getting through the day with two little ones....I hope you decide to stop and take care of your family and yourself! Good Luck...

Kmber2010

Pink - I wish you well. If you really want this then stay on this post for once....talk to us, share and let it out. What is holding you back from seeking real life support? Why not tell us - whether you are angry or frustrated or whatever you feel.....write it out. Support is a 2 way street...

Its like a drive by posting. You post....and walk away from all the support and encouragement which my friend is critical to getting started.

For me....I NEVER want to believe that someone is that bored in life to create fake posts on a site that has helped so many recover....I really don't want to believe that so I do respond to you because I believe that you are just trapped and throwing up the hands.

There is no cure, magical words or potion we can give you. You have gotten and continue to in this thread - good support. Responding to it is what one does when they are trying to find a better way to be free of addiction.

I think your posting is that of the viciousness of the alcoholism. The spinning wheels and banging head syndrome. I was there as countless others.

You are a mother of 2 little ones....one just a newborn. If that can't motivate you I doubt any story from a stranger here will. You have to try here Pink.....and at a minimum start talking and getting it out.

You have every walk of life on this site.....heck....I'm pg myself so don't think for a second you are alone here. If you don't want the help not much more we can do except wish you well.

I know when I was drinking that I would have sober moments and beg for the insanity to stop. It was when I reached out instead of burying my head back down that bottle was when things changed.

Perhaps you are in the same boat.....Posting in a moment of guilt or shame and then getting right back to drinking.....hell....that would explain why you don't come back until another drunken episode comes and again the insanity of alcoholism rears its ugly head.

You need help Pink that is what worked for me. Your children need you and you deserve so much more for yourself.

I'm hoping you come back and say enough and step up to plate. I know you got it in you.

Isaiah

I didn't always "want" to stop either, but there are more important things than simply doing only what we want to do in life. For instance, things we SHOULD do.

I don't WANT to pay my landlord rent money, I don't WANT to pay taxes, I don't WANT to go to the dentist, etc. but I do those things because I know that in the end it is the right thing to do. If I floated by only doing things that gave me pleasure I'd be homeless or in jail right now.

If you want to stop drinking so you can do the right thing and be able to take care of your kids then you need to get help/support. People have been posting options and ideas for you for a while now, I've been seeing this cycle continue on as well. But you can't keep making these contradictory statements that you want to quit for your kids but you don't want to quit because you like alcohol. The contradiction isn't such a problem for us as I think it is for you. You need to stop trying to have it both ways.

You know, eventually you probably will have to choose. You'll either continue drinking (even if you keep posting on SR saying you don't want to) or you'll get some support and start getting sobriety. Sobriety isn't easy but as a mother I think that's what you SHOULD DO, and people will support you.

You can also keep drinking, but you risk being like my ex-fiancee's mother who lost custody of her daughter because of her addiction. And over 20 years later her daughter and her daughter's fiance (me) had no intentions of even inviting her to the wedding. Scary? Yes. But that is the reality and the risk you're taking; and I know people only talk about it because we know it's not a risk you want.

Again, AA, counseling, active SR engagement, get book recommendations... Please, please let your next post be "I'm going to try this" or something of a plan.

franie

Hi Pink - I too worry about you. I only have a month or so without drinking, but it has made the world of difference to me. What is stopping you making this change. As somebody else said if you gave us more information perhaps we could help a little more. There really is nothing you could say that would prevent us from helping - give it a try.
My thoughts are with you and your babies.

Fandy

this seems to be Pink's pattern in full swing...she posts every couple of weeks, tells the same story....and then no response....why is that?

i'm not buying into it anymore....there are plenty of real members who benefit and who help me from interaction.

i do appreciate reading all the wisdom and compassion on this thread though....it's helpful to keep me on track for myself.....thank you.

SSIL75

I'm not sure I believe it anymore, either. And I'm an alcoholic mother who has done all kinds of reprehensible things when I was drinking. But I was so steeped in the denial of it all. I can't comprehend seeming to fully acknowledge my problem yet refusing to do anything about it.

skg

The fact that you're posting on a recovery board is a start, and being admonished certainly doesn't help, so keep in mind that recovery is as much about educating one's self to the nature of this nasty disease as it is about physical medical dangers and consequences for your actions.
When you find you can't stop at one, and you can't stop thinking about the first one, consider seeking real, tangible face-to-face help. AA, treatment center, whatever it takes, 'cause this disease gets worse, never better.

johndelko408

Well I would say to go to alcoholics anonymous, but as you said you don't want to stop drunking. The only requirement for membership to AA is a desire to stop drinking. But AA will always be there when you're ready.

pinkfirefly

thanks every one. i am trying hard. but i'm just so miserable all the time, and i take the easy way out i guess, by picking up the drink. it comforts me and lets me escape from my life for a little while. and i'm just having a hard time giving up my one comfort that i have in life. i feel so empty, like i have nothing or no one else who loves me or cares. and the drinking is always there to pick up the pieces when i'm sad. don't get me wrong, it has betrayed me at times as well. and i know its not right, but i just don't know what to do, how can i stop something that just feels too good to me, that i want so bad. i love my children and i don't want them to have to see their mom as an alcoholic as they grow up. but i'm just so lost and confused. life is so hard and so miserable and depressing. all i want to do is die sometimes. i have a hard time doing anything in life anymore. i'm not happy. nothing makes me happy. i'm sorry to keep posting. i just don't know what to do. i'm not posting to try to validate my drinking, i know its wrong. i dunno. thank every one.

Fandy

while you're "escaping from life" who is watching your 16 month old daughter and newborn?

you're right life CAN be hard and depressing...but it is within YOUR power to make changes so it is a better life for you and your children.

If you love your children, you'll want the best for them.

least

To be honest, I think that what will finally 'make' you stop is a disaster. Something so awful you can't get out of it. It will leave you with guilt and sorrow for the rest of your life and perhaps damage or death to you or your kids. But by then it will be too late. THere will be no going back to 'redo' your life or mend your mistakes.

You have the ability to get help but you don't do it. You keep posting about how bad you feel over your drinking but you keep doing it. I truly believe it will take an earth-shaking event to change your ways, but by then the damage will be done and there will be no going back. You will be a sad statistic in the annals of alcoholism. Perhaps your sad story will be incentive for another mother to stop drinking, but I fear it will soon be too late for you.

Isaiah

The purpose of sobriety isn't just to stop drinking and then be miserable. Quitting is the beginning but just about everyone here doing recovery is also working on putting positive life-coping skills in alcohol's place. Claiming there is nothing else in the whole world that could make you happy except alcohol is an excuse, and not a very good one because clearly it isn't improving anything.

Which is why people have been suggesting a support group as AA, counseling for alcoholism or depression or both, among other things. It's disconcerting for a lot of people here that you are asking for help but refusing all advice. What would you like to be told?

And when you say you love your children and that you have nothing good in your life but alcohol you are again speaking a contradiction. If you love your children then you do have something.

Nikkle

I know I am new here, so I am risking a butt chewing, but oh well! No one is being forced to reply to Pink, it seems like people are getting frustrated and personally offended. No amount of head knowledge or other peoples personal experiences could have ever gotten through to my alcoholic mind.I wanted to stop, but my won't power was much too weak to fight my will power. I would have faint sparks of desire for sobriety and during those times I would reach out, if only for a moment. I wouldn't be surprised if Pink is getting on here after having just enough to drink to be in truth serum mode, then continues to drink into oblivion once more and that's why she doesn't respond. Even if she never responds, I am grateful she took the time to find, register, log on and post at all. That in itself shows the ability to take a series of steps toward recovery. Even if she is doing it for attention as some have suggested, she might just fake it til she makes it. Just as alcoholism snuck up on her, maybe sobriety will too. I know God loves her and her little ones and she is not here by accident, so I am going to trust the He hears our prayers and will give her what she needs even if it doesn't happen the way any of us think it should. Keep posting Pink.

Kjell

(without even reading all the replies and only reading your post)

Yes. Yes you can stop. You never have to drink again. AA removed the obsession to drink for me, but I'm not special.

It can and will work for you too.

Sooo...it's on you. Why not stop right now, today, and never drink again?

Nyte Byrd

Oh, those 'buts'...how they can get in the way!

If you took the easy way out, you would've gotten to an AA meeting by now.

Yup! Sure sounds like real comfort to me! When I got involved in recovery, I learned that thinking those things was must my disease talking and feeling that way was the result of my continued drinking and using. Once I put the plug in the jug things began to improve over time.


Yes, and alcohol, cunning, baffling and powerful became the 'answer' for many...you're not unique.

Until it turned on them as it has to you now.

And here lies the insanity of the disease...knowing what we do hurts us, but we choose to do it anyway. But it's still a choice to make.

You keep stressing that, but have yet to put any proof to the pudding. What are you willing to do to prove that statement? It was a tough thing for me when I had to realize I was responsible for two boys, and I had to stop worrying so much about my own feelings and take responsibility for theirs. It was time for me to grow up and do the same things others did to get sober. Get myself a sponsor. Go to meetings every day. Stop making excuses. Stop whining so much. Stop feeling sorry for myself. Stop thinking I was different from everyone else. Realize everyone else 'hurt' too, and some even worse than I did, but what made the difference was, they were willing to do what it took. And they, too said, they loved their children, and they did the things to prove that they did. Life is hard for everyone.
And life is not always happy for everyone, but I know most I know who go to meetings seem to be happier more often and meeting makers make it.

Yes, you do!! You've been offered suggested often enough it appears to me. It's up to you how to prove how bad you want to get sober. Just 'saying' it isn't enough.

I won't pester you beyond this, and please understand, what I share, I do so with sincere compassion as well as some tough love only because I have been where you are, and it's what I once needed to be told myself.

For me...it was a matter of life and death back then. And I am grateful to those who had the guts to tell me those things I needed to be told. Again, my best to you, but the next move is yours.

Fandy

you might better understand our responses if you hit PFF's name and read through her posts about her drinking and DMX usage during her pregnancy, she didn't care then either...no one is chewing buttisimos here, it is just frustrating because we do want a happy ending for her story, but it is the same thing over and over.

smacked

Once again, and still.. I will continue to pray for those little babies.

I hope that whatever it is that it takes for you to quit drinking, doesn't sacrifice their precious lives.

Supercrew

I equate Pink's issue more like a woman who is stuck in an abusive relationship with a man the beats the hell out of her then brings home flowers to apologize. She is afraid to take the first step, because with the first step comes the unknown. It always puzzled me how someone could stay in an abusive relationship, but if that's all you have and you are scared to be on your own, you stay. I truly feel sorry for her because she doesn't realize that once you confront the problem and start taking action to get away from it you will never know that you don't need to treat yourself this way. Fear of the unknown can sometimes be a much stronger motivator than at least knowing where you are now.

Pink, when you are ready to make a change go see a therapist/alcohol counselor, and hopefully you can get into an organization like AA where there is support. I understand that right now that you are alone in this and have no one to keep you in check, and it's way easier to give in to the demands of the chemicals in your brain when there is no one there to stop you from listening. Do your best and take care of your children first and foremost. And keep posting, you eventually be ready to make the change.

Nyte Byrd

It can be tough some times, when applying what the book suggests to those you meet personally through AA attendance. Online, it is not always the same. Live meetings, you can get a better feel for who's being for 'real' for sure some times. And the book does suggest, not to spend too much time on any one person. Thankfully, I have only had to apply that a few times along the path.

And ya know, I found selfishness hides in so man places we least expect. Sometimes we feel certain people deserve sobriety more than others. Why? Cause he or she is MY brother. Or MY friend! Why should THAT guy get it first? I don't even LIKE that guy!!!

But I learned that if MY friend doesn't want it and that arrogant SOB ***** across the table does, I better be dang willing to reach out and try to help him if he is.

It's not up to me who I should always be helping. But if someone doesn't want the help, I'll be danged, if I'm gonna feel guilty about it. As stated, too many others WANT this program.

I lost one of my closest friends I grew up with just last year to liver cancer. He had HEP C, just as I do today.

He couldn't stop drinking. He wasn't interested in AA when I tried to turn him on to it. I lost him and I still hurt from that loss. But others I knew, and were not close friends wanted it, and they are sober today.

One saying in AA I was never too keen about...

"Some of us have to go out and die, so some of us can stay and live"

The others is "Be careful what you wish for,,,,you might just get it".

Well, Mickey Mantle was my idol. I always said I want to be just like the Mick.

Well, I got my wish. Here I am....an alcoholic with liver disease.

pinkfirefly

every one please stop being so mean. i thought the purpose of the this board is for me to come and post my feelings and struggles. you all just expect me to take your advice and go with it right away. like its so easy or something. you all had problems with it at one point right. how long did it take you before you took anyone's advice and helped yourself and quit drinking. i bet you didnt do it at the drop of a hat. i bet some one didn't say "stop drinking." and then you thought of my god they said stop drinking, i can do it now. wow, that's all i needed. you people hurt my feelings sometimes. i am trying. just because i havn't gotten into recovery yet, you all judge me. you've been there, you should be the least judgmental people out there. i am a good person. i'm going through a hard time. i want to quit, and maybe i don't want to quit bad enough, your right. cuz its hard to give up the one thing i have in my life that offers an escape. and i don't put my kids in trouble. i always make sure that i don't drink too much when they are in my care, and i do most of my drinking later when my husband is home. tho, he hates me for the drinking. he's not a drinker. so he hates it so much. and he yells at me. and he's frustrated with me, cuz i won't get help. i know i don't try hard enough. i just don't know what to do. i post here to try to reach out and get some understanding, so maybe i could be strong and try to stop and get help. but yelling at me and get annoyed is not helping me any. its not making me want to quit. if anything it makes me want to pick up another drink and get drunk, and drown my sorrows, because every one in the world hates me and thinks i'm a horrible mother, a horrible person. a person who can't do anything right. i hate my self. i hate myself. i really do. and maybe that's why i keep drinking, cuz i have no respect for myself. i just don't care about myself. i do however care about my kids, and if i stopped it would be all for them, not for me. i could kill myself today and i wouldn't care. but i'm thinking about my family, my kids, my husband. i just come here to talk, i need to talk about my feeling and what i'm going through. please, don't yell at me or lecture. i get it ok. i get it. i get it. i get it. im a bad person.