Miela

I don't get this....

If I don't drink, I feel so proud of myself, feel physically/mentally/emotionally SO much better...

And then I drink again! I know I don't want to. Even as I pour the drink, I'm looking at it thinking, "I don't want this. I'm not even going to enjoy this. I'm seriously going to regret it in the morning"

But.......

...I drink the f**king thing!!!

WHY??? I get nothing from it anymore, this I know. I'm even taking meds at the moment which, combined with alcohol, make me feel SO nauseous, and yet I still drink. I am not a stupid person but when it comes to booze, I'm the most stupid human being on the planet. WTF???

Can someone please explain this phenomenon to me??

Once again, I am SO annoyed with me

sailorjohn

Not in twenty words or less, and I should be going to sleep now.

It's called alcoholism, there are a lot of good stickies here on the subject.

There is also an interesting book called, oddly enough, 'The Big Book'.

It's not really that big, paperback copies are pretty small, in fact.

You might want to see if you can lay your hands on a copy, and read it.

artsoul

I think everyone here can relate - I know I can.
It's the most baffling thing in the world (not only to us but to others, too). I still don't quite understand it, but I definitely got to the point where I felt powerless, too. I think that's when I decided I just had to work this like my life depended on it.....

It really can and does get better........ don't give up!

omegasupreme

I second Sailor, you just perfectly described alcoholism. As an alcoholic I have done many insane things, but the most insane thing I do, I do sober, and that's pick up a drink of alcohol. At certain times I have no effective mental defense against that first drink, and I don't know how long until "certain times" happens. For me that defense must come from a power greater than myself and it's my responsibility to stay in contact with that power, no one else's.

Cobalt

It is a mystery.

However, understanding this mystery doesn't have to be a part of getting sober. It wasn't for me. I still get the urge to drink and personally it makes no sense. I feel infinitely better as a sober person and yet the alcohol still calls out my name. I know there are a few reasons why I drink, but it doesn't make it any less insane when I eventually do break down and take that first drink.

It really doesn't matter why it happens. You're an alcoholic so you are compelled to drink. Maybe just leave it at that? Unlocking the code as to why we drink won't change whether we stop or not. There are people out there who have laundry lists as to why they think they drink or why they should stop drinking, but it doesn't help them quit more easily. I knew I should have stopped drinking a year ago when my alcoholism was first rearing its ugly head. Here I am after 18 months of daily drinking still only freshly sober. I have slipped many times, and my sober date has changed many times. Nothing really matters except quitting, and quitting for good.

Keep trying and keep fighting. It doesn't matter why we drink, only that we find a way to stop.

CarolD

When that happened to me....I called it active alcoholism.

Each time I returned ..even with one drink...I re started
my alcoholism.

You may not have read this...it's from the book that
convinced me to quit....

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...influence.html

Miela

Hi all,

Thank you for your replies...

Perhaps this is the first place I should start. Even when I come here, or when I have yet another moment where I 'cannot' say no to drink, there is always this little whisper in my head saying to me, "ah, but you're not a real alcoholic. You just have a lot of things to run away from. Anybody in your situation would need help coping". I'm guessing I'm not the first person to tell themselves this - or similar - BS.

CarolD, thank you for the link to 'Under The Influence'. I'm not sure what to make of it to be honest. Some parts of it just reconfirm that I'm not a 'real' alcoholic, E.g. Withdrawals (I never got them) or the part about blackouts. I also believed that everyone blacked out (although perhaps not as often as I do) because people around me do blackout as a result of alcohol! I'm not talking about college students here, I'm talking about successful, respectable people in their 30s who are high up in banking/finance, medicine, etc., etc. Other parts have me really thinking though.

I don't know...

Dee74

I came here not knowing whether I was an alcoholic either - and to me it didn't matter. I just knew I couldn't live my old drinking life anymore.

Forget about the label if that's creating a obstacle.

I think anyone who can lay out what drinking done to them, all the damage, all the bad consequences with relationships, reputation, health and exposure to danger...and still drink, or want to drink?

They have a problem they need to fix.

And forget about forever....I felt overwhelmed by that...but noone lives their life that way anyway.

Focus on today - stay sober today - repeat tomorrow, Miela

D

Miela

This makes complete sense to my logical mind.

• Ended up in ER on more than one occasion due to alcohol? Check.
• Ended up in very dangerous places/situations due to alcohol? Check.
• Lost friends and ruined relationships due to alcohol? Check.
• Put alcohol before my child? Check (this one hurts the most)
• Woken up on numerous occasions after blacking out with that horrendous "what happened...?" Check.
• Wished I was dead due to alcohol? Check.

The list goes on and on and on... I have tried "controlling" my alcohol intake, eg limiting myself to 2 or 3 drinks only and have managed it for a while but it never lasts. I can see I have a problem with alcohol but, I find it hard to say or admit thar I am an alcoholic.
Sound advice Dee, thank you. I suppose that's all I can do for the moment.

Thank you all.

M

least

I did the same thing as you: I drank knowing how bad it was for me. I had to make some major changes in my life and my attitude. My addiction counselor was/is a great help, as are the people on this site. Can you see a counselor? One specially for addictions? I hope you can get the help you need to stop for good. I've been sober a year now and don't regret it one bit. It's the best thing I ever did for myself.

SteppingItUp

Hey Miela! I can identify completely.

I'm an alcoholic.

There are some reliable differences that distinguish my relationship with alcohol from that which non-alcoholics have with alcohol.

I. Compulsion - Once I start drinking, I can't stop.

Why? I am bodily different from non-alcoholics. As an alcoholic, I have a unique physical reaction to alcohol. It helps me to see this as an allergy. Once I've put 2 or 3 drinks in me, this allergy becomes active. The result of this allergy in me is like the flip of a switch -- the phenomenon of craving takes hold, and I'm off to the races. Here I see I am powerless over alcohol. Once I've had 2 or 3 drinks, I lose any reasonable control over the amount I drink.

Why would someone with a physical allergy keep going back to the thing that becomes more powerful than their own will-power to stop? I don't know many people with a lethal allergy to strawberries who can't help but think about the 3 pints in their fridge that they can’t wait to down with a dollop of cream as soon as they get home from work. Yet the alcoholic keeps going right back to the bottle, even knowing it could seriously harm him. What else might be going on here?

II. Obsession - I can't stop and stay stopped for any significant amount of time, like a year, based purely on my own resources (as in no treatment, no therapy, no meetings, no drugs, no doctors, no substitutions, etc.).

Why? A real alcoholic is also mentally different from non-alcoholics. My experience tells me that alcoholics suffer from something called the obsession of the mind. As a spiritually untreated alcoholic, I could not manage the thought or the decision not to drink. I had no real mental defense against taking that first drink. When I picked up again, I could not recall the true pain and suffering my drinking had caused me months, weeks or even days earlier. What would allow this to happen? Parallel thinking: the ability to hold two opposing thoughts without conflict (e.g. I’m just going to go out for 2 or 3 drinks, but I’m going to take 500 bucks with me; or I’m just going to go out for a simple aperitif, but I’m going to pack an extra pair of shoes for when I’m so drunk I that I won’t want to walk in my heels anymore; or I know what has happened before, but this time it's going to be different). Picking up my glass, I might vaguely sense I wasn't being any too smart... You know what I mean?

How can we break the cycle?

I’ve had to admit to having this condition. I’ve had to admit that I was fighting a losing battle – indeed, it looked something akin to fighting a hydra barehanded. I’ve had to come to believe, or at least be willing to believe, that there is a power greater than myself that could help me to recover, removing from me that mental obsession. And I’ve had 10 more steps in a program of action that I’ve had to take to treat the spiritual malady that has been underlying my life.

I believe with all of my heart that if I didn’t do this, I’d be back where I started, in a downward spiral that would inevitably lead me 6 feet under. On the other hand, when I do live a spiritually fit life, as demonstrated to me through spiritually well alcoholics that have found a way out and are eager to show me just how they've done it, it’s a joy, it’s an adventure, and it’s a miracle.

Enormous hugs and best wishes on your journey!

Miela

I'm 100% sure I cannot do this by myself. I always thought that, unless I ended up drinking a litre of vodka per day, then I didn't need help. Some how 100mls - 200mls of vodka per day never registered in my head as being a problem. I feel like a 'fraud' here! I guess the real problem is I can't stop. Quantity is not the issue and I imagine it will increase the longer I stay drinking so I should be grateful that I never got to the bottle-a-day stage and do something about it now before it does get to that stage.

Thank you

M

Isaiah

The thing that baffled me for a long time was wondering why I drank despite the fact that sobriety I had was making me feel good, and the alcohol never did that (in the way I hoped it would.)

What I know now is that with alcoholism my actions are not determined by "feeling good." The alcohol was more important to me than even being happy.

This morning I feel great. I feel happy. I am getting positive feelings being surrounded by positive people here in SR. And even that, I know, is not an assurance that I wont pick up. So I have a program of recovery (mix of AA, DBT therapy, good ol' religion) that keeps me from my first drink regardless of my situation, emotions or state of honesty with myself.

Kjell

Sounds like you qualify for alcoholism.

AA saved my life and removed the obsession of drinking. ...but I'm not special as it can work for you too.

The same me will drink again. Maybe this is true with you too? Why not go check out a meeting and get some face-to-face contact with some folks who know how to get and stay sober?

...and remember - you're 100% sober when you reach for that first drink, even though you know it's dangerous. Why do you think that is?

Kjell

Supercrew

The way I understand it is it is a mental disease, or at least a chemical imbalance in the brain. For some reason something turns your dopamine on in your brain, which is your "I gotta have it" chemical. When this happens we don't think rationally and until we get what we are after you will crave it. I just read a great book called "the Craving Brain", and it really made sense to why I crave alcohol, nicotine, food, sex etc. It also explains why programs like AA and SR work for people because these activities raise your serotonin levels that balance out the dopamine. I have always been taught that it was a self control issue, but I am a smart, well educated, successful person, who has a strong moral compass, but I could never understand why I would continue to seek out things that I knew were bad for my health and life. This book really explained it to me where I could understand why my brain craved things that I knew were bad.

CarolD

First....please remember there are stages of alcoholism.
I'm guessing you are picturing the down and out
homeless jobless as typical.

Not at all...before that happens ...they slid downhill step by step.
The drinking I did in my 30's gave me no problems....
totally turned around on me in my 40's.
I still had all the external measures of success ..they had
come to mean nothing to me.

Of course...I too did not find all the info in 'Under" applied to me.
I specifically related to why I continued to drink...when I wanted
to stop.
That's the part I really wanted you to see...

The term "real alcoholic" only appears once ...to my knowledge
in the AA text book....Alcoholics Anonymous"
since you are not planning to use AA.....I suggest you forget it.


All my best

Boleo

It sounds like you can see the light at the end of the tunnel is an on-coming train.

The bad news is you are beyond human aid. The good news is many of us here were once beyond human aid. Start reading the posts in the 12-step forum.

Veritas1

The Doctor's Opinion in the Big Book of AA explains why we drink again. You can read it online. It may be helpful. Here is a link. I agree reading the entire book is good also. The chapters are in order for a reason, so don't skip right to How it works!

The obsession drives us to drink. We are seeking the sense of ease and comfort, and around and around we go...in a pattern of drinking, getting sober, recovery, drinking, etc...until we change.

Find the people that can help lead you on the right path. You can do it.

Big Book Audio MP3
(to listen online)...

and to read...

Big Book Online Fourth Edition

ISPYSOBRIETY

If you didn't have alcohol there, you would have been pouring yourself an ice cold glass of water. Funny how alcohol sneaks it's way in the house. It's not sneaking in for a safe place to hide from drinkers.

If you're no longer enjoying it, along with the nauseous feeling, the cloudy head, the black outs, the shakes, the tiredness... Just uninvite it.

We can do it. It's a matter of making the last one you had, your last ever and totally disassociating yourself from alcohol forevermore.

NYCDoglvr

Alcoholism is NOT a rational disease. Of course I knew I shouldn't drink but I did. Alcoholism includes obsession. That's the difference between heavy drinking and alcoholism.