Walked out of a meeting tonight.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: CA
Posts: 268
Walked out of a meeting tonight.
I left work and drove 50 miles home (fast) so I could get to the one and only meeting we have in the mountains. It's a topic meeting and most of the time no one can decide on a topic and tonight was no different. The leader finally said, how about surrender.
One guy with 5 years shared on surrender and then a newcomer had nothing to say about surrender, so he was sharing what he was going through....no fun in sobriety and he's hoping it will get better. I shared next about how I have no desire to do ANYTHING at 24 days sober, basically telling the other newcomer that I can relate to him.
The secretary spoke up next and said, I'm so-and-so, your alcoholic secretary ... I don't want you to share about what you did when you were drinking (I said that I could clean, bake, do laundry when I was drinking but now I can't do anything) and PLEASE stay on topic.
I said, I'm out. And I left. Out of 11 people there, 7 of us were newcomers with less than 30 days.
I felt really put off by that - is this normal? I can't share about what I'm going through, because one of the old timers decided that surrender would be a good topic? I REALLY hope this isn't normal, cuz I am f*g pissed right now.
Today was a bad day all the way around.
ps...I even shared that I wanted to come in here and "tell on myself" hoping some of the power would be taken out of how I was feeling....what a drag.
Is this self-pity? Can someone explain this to me?
One guy with 5 years shared on surrender and then a newcomer had nothing to say about surrender, so he was sharing what he was going through....no fun in sobriety and he's hoping it will get better. I shared next about how I have no desire to do ANYTHING at 24 days sober, basically telling the other newcomer that I can relate to him.
The secretary spoke up next and said, I'm so-and-so, your alcoholic secretary ... I don't want you to share about what you did when you were drinking (I said that I could clean, bake, do laundry when I was drinking but now I can't do anything) and PLEASE stay on topic.
I said, I'm out. And I left. Out of 11 people there, 7 of us were newcomers with less than 30 days.
I felt really put off by that - is this normal? I can't share about what I'm going through, because one of the old timers decided that surrender would be a good topic? I REALLY hope this isn't normal, cuz I am f*g pissed right now.
Today was a bad day all the way around.
ps...I even shared that I wanted to come in here and "tell on myself" hoping some of the power would be taken out of how I was feeling....what a drag.
Is this self-pity? Can someone explain this to me?
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Cary, NC
Posts: 59
I would have been POed, too. There are times where I have spoken and while it may not have been totally on topic, I needed to say it. If someone would have called me out, I probably would have gone to get another cup of coffee and proceeded to the car.
High on Life
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Been to Hell and Back
Posts: 1,157
I have been to many topic meetings and most times people don't say anything that has to do with the topic and I have never heard anyone complain. People usually just stare with blank faces in puzzlement, but never out right rudeness, and sometime people laugh because it's so completley off topic. Sorry for your experience, hope this doesn't sour your experience on the program.
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Nacona))) - it's been a while since I went to meetings, but I don't think what the secretary did was appropriate. There were times, when there was a topic meeting and someone would get WAY off base, that they'd be gently reminded that this was a topic meeting BUT it was also made clear that someone would be glad to talk to them after the meeting...and there were always people who went out of their way, to talk to them, especially if they were a newcomer.
Is there anyone you've met from the meetings that you can call and talk with? I hate that this is the only meeting in town. I went to meetings I liked, and some I found that I didn't like, but I did try to sit through and TRIED to hear something that clicked with me. However, there were a few times it just didn't work and I didn't feel much better. I was fortunate, though, as we had an alono club and several meetings.
You have 24 days...that is fantastic!!! I'm pretty sure that what you're going through (not wanting to do anything) is normal, but it will pass. I remember wanting to just lay in my bed and cry, make the world go away. There were days I had to say "I can get through the next 15 minutes" and after those 15 minutes were up, I said it again. Early recovery is hard, but it is soooooooo worth it, and the bad feelings don't last forever, sweetie.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Is there anyone you've met from the meetings that you can call and talk with? I hate that this is the only meeting in town. I went to meetings I liked, and some I found that I didn't like, but I did try to sit through and TRIED to hear something that clicked with me. However, there were a few times it just didn't work and I didn't feel much better. I was fortunate, though, as we had an alono club and several meetings.
You have 24 days...that is fantastic!!! I'm pretty sure that what you're going through (not wanting to do anything) is normal, but it will pass. I remember wanting to just lay in my bed and cry, make the world go away. There were days I had to say "I can get through the next 15 minutes" and after those 15 minutes were up, I said it again. Early recovery is hard, but it is soooooooo worth it, and the bad feelings don't last forever, sweetie.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 4,682
Well the real program of AA is getting a sponsor who is tried and tested in working the steps and doing the same with them in order to get your spiritual awkening (drastic personality change)...maybe the topic of surrender was trying to help lead to that decision.
I got a counselor about the same time i got into AA...worked out really well meant i could talk about how my day had been to him and use AA to recover from alcoholism.
That said i also spent a lot of time with fellow newcomers and old timers (introduced to me through sponsor) outside AA...people at the same stage of recovery are important because they will listen and share about the things you wanted to share about in the meetings...i've only been in AA about 15 months but i could not sit with someone just in the rooms and listen to their stuff, i would be happy to as asponsor as long as it was step related or at least a recovery question but listen to me at a month sober still thinking i was in charge and knew best...yep i would struggle which is ok...
So invite a newcomer for coffee, get a sponsor to start working the steps and you will be fine...
It's not self pity btw it's your EGO...you want to talk about what you want to talk about and people should listen...it does help to vent in the right situation...it helped me to remember that i was the one who made all the decisions and followed my own advice to get me into AA so maybe i should be seriously questioning as to whether i know best for me or anyone...thats where the sponsor will help...
Scary stuff the prospect of changing and not knowing whats coming...i came in as an alcoholic and quite self sufficient and independent (well thought i was) but you can do this if you want it bad enough...if not you may find yourself back in control and making the decisions pretty soon and we know how that goes for both of us!
Good luck!
I got a counselor about the same time i got into AA...worked out really well meant i could talk about how my day had been to him and use AA to recover from alcoholism.
That said i also spent a lot of time with fellow newcomers and old timers (introduced to me through sponsor) outside AA...people at the same stage of recovery are important because they will listen and share about the things you wanted to share about in the meetings...i've only been in AA about 15 months but i could not sit with someone just in the rooms and listen to their stuff, i would be happy to as asponsor as long as it was step related or at least a recovery question but listen to me at a month sober still thinking i was in charge and knew best...yep i would struggle which is ok...
So invite a newcomer for coffee, get a sponsor to start working the steps and you will be fine...
It's not self pity btw it's your EGO...you want to talk about what you want to talk about and people should listen...it does help to vent in the right situation...it helped me to remember that i was the one who made all the decisions and followed my own advice to get me into AA so maybe i should be seriously questioning as to whether i know best for me or anyone...thats where the sponsor will help...
Scary stuff the prospect of changing and not knowing whats coming...i came in as an alcoholic and quite self sufficient and independent (well thought i was) but you can do this if you want it bad enough...if not you may find yourself back in control and making the decisions pretty soon and we know how that goes for both of us!
Good luck!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Weeellll...
I kinda understand what the secretary was trying to say, but sounds like s/he didn't express it very well or very tactfully. "Cross talk" is usually frowned upon (in the sense of responding directly to someone else's share), and usually sharing about problems in general is sort of discouraged--that's really something you discuss with a sponsor or with someone else outside the meeting. It was a topic meeting, you were both off the topic, and listening to people's problems isn't usually what we want to hear at a meeting--we share about the steps (surrender being part of the first step) and the solution.
I've been in your shoes, though, and gotten ticked off at people in meetings when I felt like I was being "scolded". It pays to try to let go of those feelings, though, because the resentments can eat at you.
There are sort of protocols for meetings, as you can see, and it does take some getting used to. I wish the secretary had been a bit more tactful about trying to steer the meeting back on course, but we are all only human and some people do that better than others.
All I can suggest is to try not to take it personally, consider it a learning experience, and maybe get some good friends you can call outside of the meetings when you need to vent about your difficulties. And consider getting a sponsor, if you don't have one. Not that your sponsor should be a dumping ground for your problems, but she should be there to help you when you are frustrated or having a tough time of it.
I kinda understand what the secretary was trying to say, but sounds like s/he didn't express it very well or very tactfully. "Cross talk" is usually frowned upon (in the sense of responding directly to someone else's share), and usually sharing about problems in general is sort of discouraged--that's really something you discuss with a sponsor or with someone else outside the meeting. It was a topic meeting, you were both off the topic, and listening to people's problems isn't usually what we want to hear at a meeting--we share about the steps (surrender being part of the first step) and the solution.
I've been in your shoes, though, and gotten ticked off at people in meetings when I felt like I was being "scolded". It pays to try to let go of those feelings, though, because the resentments can eat at you.
There are sort of protocols for meetings, as you can see, and it does take some getting used to. I wish the secretary had been a bit more tactful about trying to steer the meeting back on course, but we are all only human and some people do that better than others.
All I can suggest is to try not to take it personally, consider it a learning experience, and maybe get some good friends you can call outside of the meetings when you need to vent about your difficulties. And consider getting a sponsor, if you don't have one. Not that your sponsor should be a dumping ground for your problems, but she should be there to help you when you are frustrated or having a tough time of it.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: CA
Posts: 268
My ego is in overdrive right now; I want to be right. If she had been nicer about it, I MIGHT not have walked out.
I have listened to her share for the past 24 days, and I really don't like her.....as a matter of fact I was thinking about her while driving up the mtn....I thought if she shares AGAIN how she feels God with her 24/7 I am going to puke.
She will close the door to the (only) meeting at 5 minutes after the hour if no one has shown up. Most of us work down the hill and arrive a little late.
There is a BB study down by my work on Thursday nights that I really want to go to, but I came up here to attend this meeting because they need support. The doors might be closing and I thought I should support my hometown meeting....so, I guess I felt like I was doing her a favor by showing up..haha
I have so much to learn and now I feel like a brat by walking out like I did. I'm going to bed...
I have listened to her share for the past 24 days, and I really don't like her.....as a matter of fact I was thinking about her while driving up the mtn....I thought if she shares AGAIN how she feels God with her 24/7 I am going to puke.
She will close the door to the (only) meeting at 5 minutes after the hour if no one has shown up. Most of us work down the hill and arrive a little late.
There is a BB study down by my work on Thursday nights that I really want to go to, but I came up here to attend this meeting because they need support. The doors might be closing and I thought I should support my hometown meeting....so, I guess I felt like I was doing her a favor by showing up..haha
I have so much to learn and now I feel like a brat by walking out like I did. I'm going to bed...
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Before you go to bed please check out your other thread
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ght-thing.html
That might help ...and no your not a brat.....
People walk out of meetings...for all sorts of reasons
more often than you think.
hopefully they walk right back quickly
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ght-thing.html
That might help ...and no your not a brat.....
People walk out of meetings...for all sorts of reasons
more often than you think.
hopefully they walk right back quickly
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 2,126
"...I have listened to her share for the past 24 days, and I really don't like her.....as a matter of fact I was thinking about her while driving up the mtn....I thought if she shares AGAIN how she feels God with her 24/7 I am going to puke..."
When I was a newcomer, and there was someone (sometimes 'many' someones) in a meeting that I couldn't stand, someone I hated listening to, my sponsor told me that was the person I needed to listen to the most.....take notes if need-be, but listen/really listen to this/these folk(s). ...as there's probably something they're saying that I need to hear, and my ego is sitting there putting fingers in my ears and screaming out loud, "La, la, la, la....la, la, la, la.....ad infinitum.....just a thought, eh.
(o:
NoelleR
When I was a newcomer, and there was someone (sometimes 'many' someones) in a meeting that I couldn't stand, someone I hated listening to, my sponsor told me that was the person I needed to listen to the most.....take notes if need-be, but listen/really listen to this/these folk(s). ...as there's probably something they're saying that I need to hear, and my ego is sitting there putting fingers in my ears and screaming out loud, "La, la, la, la....la, la, la, la.....ad infinitum.....just a thought, eh.
(o:
NoelleR
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Tucson, AZ
Posts: 650
"Our leaders are but trusted servants. they DO NOT GOVERN."
Sounds like she's trying to govern to me. If someone shares off topic, and it bothers her, she can take it up with them after the meeting.
She definitely shouldn't close the doors. You aren't late unless you miss the ending prayer, so I've been told. Does she lock it and not let anyone else in? Or does she just close it?
Sounds like she's trying to govern to me. If someone shares off topic, and it bothers her, she can take it up with them after the meeting.
She definitely shouldn't close the doors. You aren't late unless you miss the ending prayer, so I've been told. Does she lock it and not let anyone else in? Or does she just close it?
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 3,095
Like others have said, some people are better than others about keeping a meeting on track and running it according to the group conscience. Some get hung up on the 'power' of being in charge. It's one of the reasons that good groups have a rotation of people chairing meetings and doing other service.
The basic structure unit in AA is the group. That group has the responsibility to conduct that meeting however they feel will best carry out the primary purpose of staying sober through the 12 Steps.
It's always a tough balancing act of keeping the meeting on track and being welcoming to the newcomer. Even though our feelings can get hurt sometimes, it's a blessing to have a group that doesn't use the meeting time to conduct group therapy without a counselor. Instead, a healthy group will keep the meeting focused on recovery through the 12 Steps. Those are the things that will take a newcomer on the way to recovery.
I know it's attractive to have a meeting where I can talk about my problems and others can sympathize. But that action will not get anyone recovered from alcoholism. It feels good, but doesn't serve the necessary function.
The basic structure unit in AA is the group. That group has the responsibility to conduct that meeting however they feel will best carry out the primary purpose of staying sober through the 12 Steps.
It's always a tough balancing act of keeping the meeting on track and being welcoming to the newcomer. Even though our feelings can get hurt sometimes, it's a blessing to have a group that doesn't use the meeting time to conduct group therapy without a counselor. Instead, a healthy group will keep the meeting focused on recovery through the 12 Steps. Those are the things that will take a newcomer on the way to recovery.
I know it's attractive to have a meeting where I can talk about my problems and others can sympathize. But that action will not get anyone recovered from alcoholism. It feels good, but doesn't serve the necessary function.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,906
she was wrong...very very wrong imo.
topic meeting or not, a newcomer is there to share their struggles and to relate to the next alcoholic... above all else.
you weren't talking when someone else was sharing...or giving advise during someone else sharing...that's what my AA place defines as cross talk.
I was on a revolving door of AA for 7-8 years...i know how meetings work and she sucks to put it gently. she should have never said it or put it like that in a meeting. i could see it happening to someone that had some time, but a newcomer-NO...she needs to check her own ego at the door as Ms. AA secretary and call her sponsor.
topic meeting or not, a newcomer is there to share their struggles and to relate to the next alcoholic... above all else.
you weren't talking when someone else was sharing...or giving advise during someone else sharing...that's what my AA place defines as cross talk.
I was on a revolving door of AA for 7-8 years...i know how meetings work and she sucks to put it gently. she should have never said it or put it like that in a meeting. i could see it happening to someone that had some time, but a newcomer-NO...she needs to check her own ego at the door as Ms. AA secretary and call her sponsor.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Living in Today!
Posts: 3,945
Originally Posted by keithj 
Like others have said, some people are better than others about keeping a meeting on track and running it according to the group conscience. Some get hung up on the 'power' of being in charge. It's one of the reasons that good groups have a rotation of people chairing meetings and doing other service.
The basic structure unit in AA is the group. That group has the responsibility to conduct that meeting however they feel will best carry out the primary purpose of staying sober through the 12 Steps.
It's always a tough balancing act of keeping the meeting on track and being welcoming to the newcomer. Even though our feelings can get hurt sometimes, it's a blessing to have a group that doesn't use the meeting time to conduct group therapy without a counselor. Instead, a healthy group will keep the meeting focused on recovery through the 12 Steps. Those are the things that will take a newcomer on the way to recovery.
I know it's attractive to have a meeting where I can talk about my problems and others can sympathize. But that action will not get anyone recovered from alcoholism. It feels good, but doesn't serve the necessary function.
The basic structure unit in AA is the group. That group has the responsibility to conduct that meeting however they feel will best carry out the primary purpose of staying sober through the 12 Steps.
It's always a tough balancing act of keeping the meeting on track and being welcoming to the newcomer. Even though our feelings can get hurt sometimes, it's a blessing to have a group that doesn't use the meeting time to conduct group therapy without a counselor. Instead, a healthy group will keep the meeting focused on recovery through the 12 Steps. Those are the things that will take a newcomer on the way to recovery.
I know it's attractive to have a meeting where I can talk about my problems and others can sympathize. But that action will not get anyone recovered from alcoholism. It feels good, but doesn't serve the necessary function.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Living in Today!
Posts: 3,945
Originally Posted by nacona
I left work and drove 50 miles home (fast) so I could get to the one and only meeting we have in the mountains. It's a topic meeting and most of the time no one can decide on a topic and tonight was no different. The leader finally said, how about surrender.
One guy with 5 years shared on surrender and then a newcomer had nothing to say about surrender, so he was sharing what he was going through....no fun in sobriety and he's hoping it will get better. I shared next about how I have no desire to do ANYTHING at 24 days sober, basically telling the other newcomer that I can relate to him.
The secretary spoke up next and said, I'm so-and-so, your alcoholic secretary ... I don't want you to share about what you did when you were drinking (I said that I could clean, bake, do laundry when I was drinking but now I can't do anything) and PLEASE stay on topic.
I said, I'm out. And I left. Out of 11 people there, 7 of us were newcomers with less than 30 days.
I felt really put off by that - is this normal? I can't share about what I'm going through, because one of the old timers decided that surrender would be a good topic? I REALLY hope this isn't normal, cuz I am f*g pissed right now.
Today was a bad day all the way around.
ps...I even shared that I wanted to come in here and "tell on myself" hoping some of the power would be taken out of how I was feeling....what a drag.
Is this self-pity? Can someone explain this to me?
One guy with 5 years shared on surrender and then a newcomer had nothing to say about surrender, so he was sharing what he was going through....no fun in sobriety and he's hoping it will get better. I shared next about how I have no desire to do ANYTHING at 24 days sober, basically telling the other newcomer that I can relate to him.
The secretary spoke up next and said, I'm so-and-so, your alcoholic secretary ... I don't want you to share about what you did when you were drinking (I said that I could clean, bake, do laundry when I was drinking but now I can't do anything) and PLEASE stay on topic.
I said, I'm out. And I left. Out of 11 people there, 7 of us were newcomers with less than 30 days.
I felt really put off by that - is this normal? I can't share about what I'm going through, because one of the old timers decided that surrender would be a good topic? I REALLY hope this isn't normal, cuz I am f*g pissed right now.
Today was a bad day all the way around.
ps...I even shared that I wanted to come in here and "tell on myself" hoping some of the power would be taken out of how I was feeling....what a drag.
Is this self-pity? Can someone explain this to me?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: CA
Posts: 268
She locks the door and no one can get in. Last Saturday there were 5 of us sitting on the curb waiting for her. We found out later that she had already come and gone. We ended up having a "meeting" on the curb. It was a good night, but this was the 3rd time that she had done this in my 24 days and I was mad at her for that and for her always saying that she "feels God 24/7". I cringe when she says that. She says it ALL the time and she is the MOST non-spiritual person I have met. At break she is the one talking crap about people.
The one thing I can think of that I am learning from her right now is I don't want to be like her.
I have been to hundreds of meetings up here ("up here" is what locals call living in the mtns - probabally sound strange to those who are reading this.) I am a newcomer again, but it's not my first time in meetings. I honestly didn't know, in all this time, that we aren't supposed to talk about our day or our experience while drinking. In fact her sponsor (30 years sobriety) shares about her day all the time.
This is a dumb question, but what are we supposed to be talking about in meetings then? I guess I don't "get" the reason for meetings.
The 7 newcomers last night wouldn't have been able to share at all if all they could talk about was surrender. Newcomers don't know what that means. The 4 people with time would have been the only ones to share? I'm not being bitchy here, I really want to know. I WANT to stay sober so badly and apparently the way I have been doing it in the past hasn't worked.
Teri
I
The one thing I can think of that I am learning from her right now is I don't want to be like her.
I have been to hundreds of meetings up here ("up here" is what locals call living in the mtns - probabally sound strange to those who are reading this.) I am a newcomer again, but it's not my first time in meetings. I honestly didn't know, in all this time, that we aren't supposed to talk about our day or our experience while drinking. In fact her sponsor (30 years sobriety) shares about her day all the time.
This is a dumb question, but what are we supposed to be talking about in meetings then? I guess I don't "get" the reason for meetings.
The 7 newcomers last night wouldn't have been able to share at all if all they could talk about was surrender. Newcomers don't know what that means. The 4 people with time would have been the only ones to share? I'm not being bitchy here, I really want to know. I WANT to stay sober so badly and apparently the way I have been doing it in the past hasn't worked.
Teri
I
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Join Date: Apr 2010
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Onewithwings - she locks the door and leaves. She will wait until 7:05 and close it up and go home. People drift in at all times, especially we who work far away. I get off work at 6:00pm and work 50 miles away. I have to walk in late all the time, but I take the first seat available and don't rummage around for coffee. I wait until the break to get whatever I want from the break area.
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Posts: 268
...and another thing.... after she said what she did, I looked around the room and all I remember seeing were big (deer in headlight) eyes from the newcomers. I wonder if any of them shared after I left AND what could they share about.
I know that walking out was wrong. My ego WOULDN'T let me stay a minute longer; I had to make a scene. I don't like that about myself but to sit there would have made me feel like a little girl who was just scolded....ick.
I know that walking out was wrong. My ego WOULDN'T let me stay a minute longer; I had to make a scene. I don't like that about myself but to sit there would have made me feel like a little girl who was just scolded....ick.
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