Walked out of a meeting tonight.
12-Step Recovered Alkie
Join Date: May 2010
Location: West Bloomfield, MI
Posts: 5,797
Nacona..... I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings.... I really am. That wasn't my intention - I promise.
When you hit step 4 you'll find that the thrust of that step is to identify our part and where we were wrong in all the areas of resentment we carry with us. There's an old saying "There's no such thing as a justified resentment." The reason for that is because, for every one I've looked at in MY life, I absolutely played a role in it. Additionally, carrying of those resentments, blowing them up and making them progressively bigger, is THE #1 killer of sobriety - especially spiritual sobriety. And once the spiritual aspect is gone, the other aspects of our sobriety aren't far behind.
I'm not saying what she did was justified nor am I saying it was even OK.......but you're responsible for your actions regardless of whether you feel like you were "pushed" into them or not.
Perhaps I hit you with a concept that's a little out of your comfort zone given your time in sobriety. You REALLY are doing a great job - and I do mean that. Just facing our demons is, at first, MORE than most people can handle and hence the reason so many alcoholics die drunk (or at least not sober).
If you'd like some further clarification from me I'd be glad to provide it. Perhaps PM's would be the best avenue for that discussion but it could be here as well.
KeithJ (in his post after mine) summarized what I was thinking in a much less threatening manner.
When you hit step 4 you'll find that the thrust of that step is to identify our part and where we were wrong in all the areas of resentment we carry with us. There's an old saying "There's no such thing as a justified resentment." The reason for that is because, for every one I've looked at in MY life, I absolutely played a role in it. Additionally, carrying of those resentments, blowing them up and making them progressively bigger, is THE #1 killer of sobriety - especially spiritual sobriety. And once the spiritual aspect is gone, the other aspects of our sobriety aren't far behind.
I'm not saying what she did was justified nor am I saying it was even OK.......but you're responsible for your actions regardless of whether you feel like you were "pushed" into them or not.
Perhaps I hit you with a concept that's a little out of your comfort zone given your time in sobriety. You REALLY are doing a great job - and I do mean that. Just facing our demons is, at first, MORE than most people can handle and hence the reason so many alcoholics die drunk (or at least not sober).
If you'd like some further clarification from me I'd be glad to provide it. Perhaps PM's would be the best avenue for that discussion but it could be here as well.
KeithJ (in his post after mine) summarized what I was thinking in a much less threatening manner.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Kansas
Posts: 3,937
Originally Posted by nacona 
Can someone explain this to me?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Ireland
Posts: 1,641
Was not the first AA mtg not ALL ABOUT BILL"S DRINKING?
The topic of surrender may not have been appropriate to the new members and maybe a little bit of flexibility would be in order.
I have come across many hard line AA oldtimers, but kindness was always what I got from them even if they were kicking my a$$!
Also, as for walking out? H.A.L.T hungry, angry, lonely, tired. If the meeting would make one angry, therefore risking drinking, then leave. Maybe miss 12 step should pray to her higher power about her motives!
The topic of surrender may not have been appropriate to the new members and maybe a little bit of flexibility would be in order.
I have come across many hard line AA oldtimers, but kindness was always what I got from them even if they were kicking my a$$!
Also, as for walking out? H.A.L.T hungry, angry, lonely, tired. If the meeting would make one angry, therefore risking drinking, then leave. Maybe miss 12 step should pray to her higher power about her motives!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
There are lots of people in AA that I find arrogant, tiresome, annoying, you name it. There are people who share the SAME THING (e.g., "feeling God with me 24/7") every meeting, share about the same moment in their lives, etc., on and on. Still, maybe there's a newcomer in the room who hasn't heard this particular share a zillion times and maybe it will strike a chord with him or her.
I agree that our own egos get us in more trouble than almost anything else. When I'm sitting there judging, getting annoyed, feeling defensive (all emotions I have felt in meetings and still do, at times), it IS my own ego wanting its own way. And I start feeling smug and superior--ego, again.
Acceptance--letting go--is the answer to that. It isn't easy, but with practice it gets easier. Sometimes I will try to say a small prayer to be accepting and openminded toward the person who's bugging me.
We ARE going to feel emotions--sometimes unpleasant ones. It isn't wrong to react by feeling negative emotions, but we don't have to feed them, nurture them, justify and rationalize them. We can look at what feels threatened in ourselves, observe it, and decide whether it is something we can/should do something about (such as talking to the offender privately) or whether it's just something we need to let go of, as something we cannot control.
You already realize walking out of the meeting was not an effective response--it didn't help you and it didn't help anything or anyone else. Big deal. None of us is perfect. You will handle it better next time (and there WILL be a next time--I guarantee if you keep going to AA meetings things and people will tick you off at times).
I actually admire the openmindedness you've shown in the discussion in this thread--you honestly said how you felt, but you are willing to examine your feelings, and other people's intentions, in a different light. That's growth right there.
I agree that our own egos get us in more trouble than almost anything else. When I'm sitting there judging, getting annoyed, feeling defensive (all emotions I have felt in meetings and still do, at times), it IS my own ego wanting its own way. And I start feeling smug and superior--ego, again.
Acceptance--letting go--is the answer to that. It isn't easy, but with practice it gets easier. Sometimes I will try to say a small prayer to be accepting and openminded toward the person who's bugging me.
We ARE going to feel emotions--sometimes unpleasant ones. It isn't wrong to react by feeling negative emotions, but we don't have to feed them, nurture them, justify and rationalize them. We can look at what feels threatened in ourselves, observe it, and decide whether it is something we can/should do something about (such as talking to the offender privately) or whether it's just something we need to let go of, as something we cannot control.
You already realize walking out of the meeting was not an effective response--it didn't help you and it didn't help anything or anyone else. Big deal. None of us is perfect. You will handle it better next time (and there WILL be a next time--I guarantee if you keep going to AA meetings things and people will tick you off at times).
I actually admire the openmindedness you've shown in the discussion in this thread--you honestly said how you felt, but you are willing to examine your feelings, and other people's intentions, in a different light. That's growth right there.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Toronto, ON
Posts: 1,591
Nacona, if I had found this before you had to hit the hay, I would have suggested you do any cussing you needed to over the farging rudeness and get it out, and then wrap it up by being grateful you at least had the desire to go and then you could start a clean day the next day.
I don't know why you were traveling that distance for the meeting, but since it meant enough for you to do that, then don't let the negative experience be the final word.
I only went to a few meetings years ago, so I have more of an outsider perspective, but I would think you're going to get different handling and culture at different places. I've seen AA people here recommending that people go to different meetings. Topic Meeting, to me, sounds like a more structured set-up, as opposed to meetings of some other label. If someone else hasn't already commented on the ins and outs, somebody else with AA experience will.
On the personal peeves you've got about Miss God's Best Human Friend, I would say you should recognize she makes you want to throw up and look inside yourself for the higher ground to take. I am dealing with something similar in a different context of my own, and I have been almost praying about it. I know that to maintain that kind of thinking too long would be allowing it to consume too much of my energy. And it would be in the same ballpark as harboring resentments and generally feeding too much power in the wrong place. I can't be an angel, but I can at least feed power to the better parts of me. I'm doing myself a favor when I work on that. You can't avoid her and people like her by going to all ends of the earth, but you could give a shot to hitting meetings where she is not present as a pacifier in the short term. Later on, you could have a fresher outlook in a month or so.
But for now, be glad you went to a meeting and that you cared.
By the way, you don't feel the desire to do anything right now, but I trust that will change. It did for me and lots of people. I'm happy for you that you've got 24+ days, keep going.
I don't know why you were traveling that distance for the meeting, but since it meant enough for you to do that, then don't let the negative experience be the final word.
I only went to a few meetings years ago, so I have more of an outsider perspective, but I would think you're going to get different handling and culture at different places. I've seen AA people here recommending that people go to different meetings. Topic Meeting, to me, sounds like a more structured set-up, as opposed to meetings of some other label. If someone else hasn't already commented on the ins and outs, somebody else with AA experience will.
On the personal peeves you've got about Miss God's Best Human Friend, I would say you should recognize she makes you want to throw up and look inside yourself for the higher ground to take. I am dealing with something similar in a different context of my own, and I have been almost praying about it. I know that to maintain that kind of thinking too long would be allowing it to consume too much of my energy. And it would be in the same ballpark as harboring resentments and generally feeding too much power in the wrong place. I can't be an angel, but I can at least feed power to the better parts of me. I'm doing myself a favor when I work on that. You can't avoid her and people like her by going to all ends of the earth, but you could give a shot to hitting meetings where she is not present as a pacifier in the short term. Later on, you could have a fresher outlook in a month or so.
But for now, be glad you went to a meeting and that you cared.
By the way, you don't feel the desire to do anything right now, but I trust that will change. It did for me and lots of people. I'm happy for you that you've got 24+ days, keep going.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: CA
Posts: 268
I went back to that meeting tonight and she was not there, but her boyfriend was. (he was there last night)...after the meeting tonight he came up to me and said that he was really glad to see me and that he prayed for me last night that I wouldn't drink.
Ironically, the topic of tonight's meeting was, again, surrender. So I shared on surrender - surrendering to my drug/alcohol counselor's groups that she wants me in and the number of meetings she wants me to go to weekly......then I went to another meeting further up the mountain where I met a woman who might possibly become my sponsor.
I've known her for 7 years and have listened to her share for that long (she has 15 years off meth and alcohol) and she talked to me tonight about my part in the mess that happened last night. She didn't say I was right or I was wrong, she just had me look at my part...hmmmm (DT and KeithJ - thanks).
She was recommended by the lady who has 16 sponsees as she works the 12 steps as outlined in the book.
I am going to wait and see if this is the right move. I would have asked her tonight, but I was afraid that I was too needy tonight after last night's performance.
Thank you to all who have taken the time to post on this thread. All of the posts have given me a lot to think about.
Ironically, the topic of tonight's meeting was, again, surrender. So I shared on surrender - surrendering to my drug/alcohol counselor's groups that she wants me in and the number of meetings she wants me to go to weekly......then I went to another meeting further up the mountain where I met a woman who might possibly become my sponsor.
I've known her for 7 years and have listened to her share for that long (she has 15 years off meth and alcohol) and she talked to me tonight about my part in the mess that happened last night. She didn't say I was right or I was wrong, she just had me look at my part...hmmmm (DT and KeithJ - thanks).
She was recommended by the lady who has 16 sponsees as she works the 12 steps as outlined in the book.
I am going to wait and see if this is the right move. I would have asked her tonight, but I was afraid that I was too needy tonight after last night's performance.
Thank you to all who have taken the time to post on this thread. All of the posts have given me a lot to think about.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Merritt Island, Fl
Posts: 1,164
Sorry to double-dip like this but, AA isnt for those that need it, want it, or deserve it. Its for those that are willing to do whatever it takes to get sober. And sometimes that means putting up with people and situations that make us uncomfortable.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: CA
Posts: 268
I'm glad you posted this just now littlefish. Last night I asked when the next business meeting is and they told me next Wednesday at 5:30. I was just entering a reminder on my calender to request to change my hours next Wednesday so I can attend it. I have to clear it with my counselor too since that is the night of the women's meeting that she wants me to be in.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,064
I know for myself that if a meeting isn't working it won't work period. It has to be something we get from the meeting that makes us want to go back. We can't thrive in an environment that is hostile. If we could continue to go places where we aren't feeling welcome or supported then we aren't going to be getting sober or recovered. And if we could ignore all that drama at the meetings and keep going then that says willpower alone would get us there regardless. Meetings have to be a safe place.
Adventures In SpaceTime
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Ottawa, Canada
Posts: 5,827
Originally Posted by stugotz
AA isnt for those that need it, want it, or deserve it. Its for those that are willing to do whatever it takes to get sober. And sometimes that means putting up with people and situations that make us uncomfortable.
IMO, AA is absolutely for those that want it, need it, and [even] for those who think they deserve AA, them too. Why not? Let's be all inclusive, and not judge others before they're even in the gate. Not all alcoholics get it right the first time. Or the second time. Or the... well. You know what I mean.
I do agree that means [sometimes] putting up with people and situations that makes us uncomfortable. Yeah, and its a two way street, I've come to understand. None of us are perfect.
I also know that alot of alcoholics feel they should not be in or around AA because they feel or think it's not for them because they are somehow or other not the "real deal alcoholic" and some [most] of that is coming from other AA members themselves defining who AA is "not really for." How ironic, sadly.
Only a desire is required...
Rob
Adventures In SpaceTime
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Ottawa, Canada
Posts: 5,827
Right on. Sobriety takes work. And it takes a well lived life to keep sobriety working. Alcoholism sucks the life right outa the alcoholic and unfortunately too many of our fellow members expect a desire to be enough for sobriety to be all it was promised to be, and so its up to the succesfully sober members to always be an example of what that well lived life can be by sharing our ESH. From there in comes some honest confusion of what is meant by living a sober life. And for that I say to each their own. None of my business. Live and let live. It's still a free world, and there's lots of room for all of us.
Cheers!
Rob
Cheers!
Rob
Sally1009
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 467
I think it is just a simple fact that there are bound to be differences in AA meetings. They are only as good as the people in them, and there are many who are still very unwell. I have been hurt in meetings, but now I just try to let it go, look for the similarities etc. Don't let the words or actions of one person put you off AA. As the saying goes, 'It's about principles, not personalities'.
Well done on your 24 days- that's huge.
Love,
Sally
Well done on your 24 days- that's huge.
Love,
Sally
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