Walked out of a meeting tonight.
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Join Date: Jan 2009
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Originally Posted by nacona 
...and another thing.... after she said what she did, I looked around the room and all I remember seeing were big (deer in headlight) eyes from the newcomers. I wonder if any of them shared after I left AND what could they share about.
I know that walking out was wrong. My ego WOULDN'T let me stay a minute longer; I had to make a scene. I don't like that about myself but to sit there would have made me feel like a little girl who was just scolded....ick.
I know that walking out was wrong. My ego WOULDN'T let me stay a minute longer; I had to make a scene. I don't like that about myself but to sit there would have made me feel like a little girl who was just scolded....ick.
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Join Date: May 2007
Location: Sweden
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Ask when the next business meeting is: the locked door sounds ridiculous. No way would anyone in any of my meetings lock the door and go home after 5 minutes!
These two issues are exactly what you can bring up in the business meeting: if the door should be locked, (NO!) and if sharing about "what you did when you were drinking" is an inappropriate topic. I can't see how it would be: almost all the time people make references to "how it was".
At the business meeting you can also request for a change/rotation of the meeting leader. Sounds like the group needs some changes.
If there are no regular business meetings: then the group is really in trouble and you should request one asap.
These two issues are exactly what you can bring up in the business meeting: if the door should be locked, (NO!) and if sharing about "what you did when you were drinking" is an inappropriate topic. I can't see how it would be: almost all the time people make references to "how it was".
At the business meeting you can also request for a change/rotation of the meeting leader. Sounds like the group needs some changes.
If there are no regular business meetings: then the group is really in trouble and you should request one asap.
12-Step Recovered Alkie
Join Date: May 2010
Location: West Bloomfield, MI
Posts: 5,797
Nacona....... if you're new to AA, as the other new ppl were, perhaps the best thing is to learn what AA is all about. How the steps work, what to surrender, what surrender means, and how ppl who've recovered from alcoholism have used the principles to improve their spiritual, mental, physical, and emotional lives.
AA is not a group therapy deal. I'm not saying you've said it should be, but I'm just telling you like I was told. Therapy has it's place in many of our lives....heck, I still see a therapist but it's not for "typical" therapy - we ONLY discuss 12-step based recovery there. As for AA meetings though, the purpose is not to discuss our drinking careers, what happened with the neighbor, how rough our day was, how $hitty our husband/wife/kids/neighbors/co-workers/etc are.
The Primary Purpose of AA is to carry the message of recovery. The message of recovery is the steps and the program outlined in the first 164 pages of the Big Book. I go to AA MEETINGS to learn how to better incorporate the stuff that's in that book into my life and to share how I'm doing it.
Sadly, many people....even folks with a number of years.....double digit years even..... have, over time, let their own selfishness, self-centeredness, egotism and what-not trick them into thinking they RUN a meeting, or that they control everything around them, or that they can talk about anything they want anywhere they want - even at a meeting.
Again, AA meetings are not therapy. When it gets right down to it, not everyone at a meeting SHOULD be talking. I mean, if I went to a meeting of web-page designers, do ya think they need to hear from me? Do they really need me to share my experience with searching on Google or posting on SR or doing whatever I do on the internet? If the topic is set and you or some of the other folks have no experience with that subject, I think it's best to "pass," listen, and try to learn from those who DO have some experience in the matter at hand.
Just like here, on SR, if someone posts a topic the posts that follow "should" follow that topic. Keep an eye out though, they don't always. Someone usually will find a reason to interject their feelings on a completely separate matter, changing the direction of the thread to what "they" think is important. While it's only mildly disrespectful, it's just a reminder that we're all just selfish, self-centered, immature babies we can be at times.
There's a line in the Big Book that rings through my head EVERY single time I notice I'm upset about something. It comes right after Bill wrote about selfishness and self-centeredness. It reads:
So our troubles, we think, are basically of our own making. They arise out of ourselves, and the alcoholic is an extreme example of self-will run riot, though he usually doesn't think so. Above everything, we alcoholics must be rid of this selfishness. We must, or it kills us!
So my problems, my fears, the things I'm mad about or the people I'm mad at.......the problem lies within ME, not them. And here's the kicker...... I've got to stop thinking that way because if I don't it'll kill me. What Bill means is that selfishness, those hurt feelings, that anger and so forth....that's my alcoholism talking and it's trying to talk me into another drink - period. It's not the other person.....it's ME. I'm at fault and if I don't deal with it, I'm gonna go get drunk eventually.
-sorry, don't mean to come off so heavy handed but whether she was right or wrong, THAT you had a problem her actions tells me that YOU have a problem.....not her....and that it's your "ism" talking trying to get you to go back out.
AA is not a group therapy deal. I'm not saying you've said it should be, but I'm just telling you like I was told. Therapy has it's place in many of our lives....heck, I still see a therapist but it's not for "typical" therapy - we ONLY discuss 12-step based recovery there. As for AA meetings though, the purpose is not to discuss our drinking careers, what happened with the neighbor, how rough our day was, how $hitty our husband/wife/kids/neighbors/co-workers/etc are.
The Primary Purpose of AA is to carry the message of recovery. The message of recovery is the steps and the program outlined in the first 164 pages of the Big Book. I go to AA MEETINGS to learn how to better incorporate the stuff that's in that book into my life and to share how I'm doing it.
Sadly, many people....even folks with a number of years.....double digit years even..... have, over time, let their own selfishness, self-centeredness, egotism and what-not trick them into thinking they RUN a meeting, or that they control everything around them, or that they can talk about anything they want anywhere they want - even at a meeting.
Again, AA meetings are not therapy. When it gets right down to it, not everyone at a meeting SHOULD be talking. I mean, if I went to a meeting of web-page designers, do ya think they need to hear from me? Do they really need me to share my experience with searching on Google or posting on SR or doing whatever I do on the internet? If the topic is set and you or some of the other folks have no experience with that subject, I think it's best to "pass," listen, and try to learn from those who DO have some experience in the matter at hand.
Just like here, on SR, if someone posts a topic the posts that follow "should" follow that topic. Keep an eye out though, they don't always. Someone usually will find a reason to interject their feelings on a completely separate matter, changing the direction of the thread to what "they" think is important. While it's only mildly disrespectful, it's just a reminder that we're all just selfish, self-centered, immature babies we can be at times.
There's a line in the Big Book that rings through my head EVERY single time I notice I'm upset about something. It comes right after Bill wrote about selfishness and self-centeredness. It reads:
So our troubles, we think, are basically of our own making. They arise out of ourselves, and the alcoholic is an extreme example of self-will run riot, though he usually doesn't think so. Above everything, we alcoholics must be rid of this selfishness. We must, or it kills us!
So my problems, my fears, the things I'm mad about or the people I'm mad at.......the problem lies within ME, not them. And here's the kicker...... I've got to stop thinking that way because if I don't it'll kill me. What Bill means is that selfishness, those hurt feelings, that anger and so forth....that's my alcoholism talking and it's trying to talk me into another drink - period. It's not the other person.....it's ME. I'm at fault and if I don't deal with it, I'm gonna go get drunk eventually.
-sorry, don't mean to come off so heavy handed but whether she was right or wrong, THAT you had a problem her actions tells me that YOU have a problem.....not her....and that it's your "ism" talking trying to get you to go back out.
12-Step Recovered Alkie
Join Date: May 2010
Location: West Bloomfield, MI
Posts: 5,797
.......and on a personal note, I personally find it immature to walk out on a meeting. An eye for an eye is never right. Plus, given what I wrote about above, I know that if I think the meeting is making me mad, the problem is ME.......not the meeting!
.....and MY ego won't let me put on display just how sick my thinking sometimes is!
It's a good thing that you realize it's just your false ego talking though. But watch it.....that stuff will getcha drunk!
.....and MY ego won't let me put on display just how sick my thinking sometimes is!
It's a good thing that you realize it's just your false ego talking though. But watch it.....that stuff will getcha drunk!
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Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Michigan
Posts: 73
Daytrader you sound very angry in your post. So according to what you have said we should have no feelings otherwise the ism is controlling us. I had someone once tell me at a meeting that boy you drank alcoholically at first I was pissed then I was like you know what she's right.
12-Step Recovered Alkie
Join Date: May 2010
Location: West Bloomfield, MI
Posts: 5,797
Not angry at allllllll Kody. It didn't even cross my mind actually. Curios that you read that into my post.
I didn't say we should have not feelings anywhere in my post - not in either of them actually. Again, I think you're reading into what I typed.
we should have no feelings otherwise the ism is controlling us.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: CA
Posts: 268
Wow DT - now I really feel like crap.
I am at work now and don't have time to REALLY go through what you wrote, maybe I will feel differently after I have time to re-read it, but man, that made me feel bad.
I am at work now and don't have time to REALLY go through what you wrote, maybe I will feel differently after I have time to re-read it, but man, that made me feel bad.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: CA
Posts: 268
I'm not saying the problem isn't with me, but I feel like I did last night. Now I don't want to come here anymore. AGAIN - I KNOW that the problem is with me, but the way you came at me....well, you sound like she did.
I am so confused.....people being mean is MY problem?
btw - I had already said that walking out of the meeting was a bratty move, saying I was immature wasn't necessary.
Now - I will hear just how selfish and self-centered I am and I won't dispute that; I just think there might be a better way to "teach" me.
I am so confused.....people being mean is MY problem?
btw - I had already said that walking out of the meeting was a bratty move, saying I was immature wasn't necessary.
Now - I will hear just how selfish and self-centered I am and I won't dispute that; I just think there might be a better way to "teach" me.
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: CA desert
Posts: 1,599
Spending time in an AA meeting is the same as with any congregation of people, in some rooms there are very healthy people and in others, such as when a group of people have the flu, that's where I draw the line. Some groups have the flu more often than others, and in a spiritual sense some have the flu more often than others as well. Just because the sign above the door says AA, it doesn't always mean that spiritual people abound there. Some may have extraodinary spiritual growth, while others, (myself included) are just beginning to understand some of the concepts taught within the BB. If I walk into a room and everyone exhibits the signs of having the flu, I'm out the door.
Hell, I've always been immature, and probably always will be. I kinda like it, for it allows me to laugh at myself. Immature kids have taught me some of my best lessons in life, and some of these so-called mature people seem to still have much to learn.
Hell, I've always been immature, and probably always will be. I kinda like it, for it allows me to laugh at myself. Immature kids have taught me some of my best lessons in life, and some of these so-called mature people seem to still have much to learn.
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 3,095
Originally Posted by loveon2legs
I dont think walking out of a meeting is immature..I would have done the same had I been in your shoes...
I looked back over Daytrader's post after reading nacona's reaction to it, and it really does hold the key.
If I get bent about someone else's behavior, right or wrong, I can always find people who will get behind me and tell me I'm justified and right. And then I stay trapped and dominated by the actions of others, always in conflict with others and uncomfortable with myself. My personal happiness is dependent on the actions of others in that state.
Daytrader's post is a very hopeful notion in AA. If I'm willing to take a hard look at myself and my actions, and only those things, then I can be free from the effect that other people's behavior has on me. My problems are of my own making. Just maybe, then, I have a shot at actually solving those problems instead of requiring that others change to make me happy.
When I'm willing to look at me, I can get free of that domination by others. That doesn't happen if I'm focused on them. They continue to offend me, and I continue to get all twisted about it.
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Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 1,237
I've found I just won't put up with others BS... I have for far too long during my drinking years...if I don't like someones behaviour towards me, I'm not going to smile and shake their hand! if that's my "ego" reacting so be it..I need to stay true to myself.. so I can relate to where nacona is coming from..
12-Step Recovered Alkie
Join Date: May 2010
Location: West Bloomfield, MI
Posts: 5,797
Nacona, we've talked before. If you choose not to come here that's up to you just like it's your choice to feel crappy about what I wrote or not. I find its healthy to look at my role when I'm involved in situations like the one you described - when they happen to me rather than focusing on the other person. I think you'll find sitting in a resentment - be it towards that lady or to me won't do you any favors.
and for what it's worth, you posted it and asked for opinions. I gave you mine. Feel free to disregard it if you please.
and for what it's worth, you posted it and asked for opinions. I gave you mine. Feel free to disregard it if you please.
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,064
Just keep on looking for the meeting that hits your needs. I sat through many a meeting that was controlled by control freaks and here's the message, they relapsed, I am still working on being clean. Some folks are still angry even when they have time.
I remember being yelled at after a meeting and it was the last time I went back to that meeting because of the tone. Some meetings tell you not to talk because of being a newcomer, they basically want the newcomer to listen and have nothing of value to share, I've sat through those sorts of meetings wondering how the program of AA works. I've actually gone back to those meetings at the year mark and they wanted to hear from the newcomer. Kind of ironic. Just keep on looking for a good fit. I finally found some meetings both AA and NA that I feel comfortable in and people are allowed to share about their day, their feelings, and their struggles. I've felt tremendous love in some meetings and those are the ones that I return to in my recovery journey. Hope things iron out for you.
I remember being yelled at after a meeting and it was the last time I went back to that meeting because of the tone. Some meetings tell you not to talk because of being a newcomer, they basically want the newcomer to listen and have nothing of value to share, I've sat through those sorts of meetings wondering how the program of AA works. I've actually gone back to those meetings at the year mark and they wanted to hear from the newcomer. Kind of ironic. Just keep on looking for a good fit. I finally found some meetings both AA and NA that I feel comfortable in and people are allowed to share about their day, their feelings, and their struggles. I've felt tremendous love in some meetings and those are the ones that I return to in my recovery journey. Hope things iron out for you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: CA
Posts: 268
...and I am responding to your opinion. Is posting what one feels not appropriate either? I appreciate the time you spent responding, and I normally love everything you write, but when it's directed at me, I don't like it at all. So, what I've done is print this thread out and I am going to read it at lunch and see what I can learn from it.
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Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Mgm, AL
Posts: 1,000
The bigger question is this: Did you find it necessary to take a drink?
Everyone has bad days, and you are no exception. If you want to chair the meeting, stay sober for a while and learn how to do it the 'right' way. AA leaders are but trusted servants, they do not govern. It's allowed ME to keep coming back because sometimes Old Timers suck, too. That's okay, because I attend meetings for my sobriety, not anyone else.
Sounds to me like you're an alcoholic and stuff didn't go the way you thought it should. Welcome. Not going to AA because someone hurt your feelings is like not going to the dentist because your tooth hurts.
Relax. They're not perfect either. Sometimes it's not all about me, and that's okay. I had to learn to listen like my life depended on it--because FOR ME, it does--and I had to learn that rooms with faces, ears and years aren't like anonymous blogs and forums, either. One hour in a room with my ears is just as valuable as a day logged into a recovery forum.
Keep going--don't let anyone or anything stand in the way of your recovery.
Everyone has bad days, and you are no exception. If you want to chair the meeting, stay sober for a while and learn how to do it the 'right' way. AA leaders are but trusted servants, they do not govern. It's allowed ME to keep coming back because sometimes Old Timers suck, too. That's okay, because I attend meetings for my sobriety, not anyone else.
Sounds to me like you're an alcoholic and stuff didn't go the way you thought it should. Welcome. Not going to AA because someone hurt your feelings is like not going to the dentist because your tooth hurts.
Relax. They're not perfect either. Sometimes it's not all about me, and that's okay. I had to learn to listen like my life depended on it--because FOR ME, it does--and I had to learn that rooms with faces, ears and years aren't like anonymous blogs and forums, either. One hour in a room with my ears is just as valuable as a day logged into a recovery forum.
Keep going--don't let anyone or anything stand in the way of your recovery.
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 26,425
I differ with alot of people about the feelings stuff and it's place in recovery...actually I don't agree with many "interpretations" of the bb I read here....and they are interpretations...
sorry bad day...
keep going to meetings...don't let others invalidate your path and keep an open mind...
ask yourself..do i want what they have? there are many different forms of sobriety.. some i want and some i dont.
stay sober, find people who live a full life and follow the directions in the big book...it can be used to justify anything, but if you stay within the general guide that it provides and are honest and true to yourself..you have a good shot at this deal.
The big book doesn't ask me to do anything I can't do. People in AA may..but thats just them. Meetings are just that meetings...nothing special there unless you find someone with something to give you that you want.
The most honesty i have is the only thing i have to bring to the table..along with the most willingness i have and the most open mindedness i have.
I've reached the point in my life where i no longer feel the need to pretend that if someone else slaps me it's my fault lol....I put myself in a position to be hurt all the time...so yeah it's my fault but hey...i'd rather be out there living and taking chances then be enclosed in some self imposed prison in the hopes of being safe and sober.
I believe we can stay sober regardless of anyone...but I don't believe others don't impact us...if we let them...and my god...who wants to live as an island unto themselves...better to occasionally get smacked then to miss the opportunity of reaching out to others.
sorta blithering...just have alot on my mind today..if some of it helps you great...you certainly helped me with your post (hug)
sorry bad day...
keep going to meetings...don't let others invalidate your path and keep an open mind...
ask yourself..do i want what they have? there are many different forms of sobriety.. some i want and some i dont.
stay sober, find people who live a full life and follow the directions in the big book...it can be used to justify anything, but if you stay within the general guide that it provides and are honest and true to yourself..you have a good shot at this deal.
The big book doesn't ask me to do anything I can't do. People in AA may..but thats just them. Meetings are just that meetings...nothing special there unless you find someone with something to give you that you want.
The most honesty i have is the only thing i have to bring to the table..along with the most willingness i have and the most open mindedness i have.
I've reached the point in my life where i no longer feel the need to pretend that if someone else slaps me it's my fault lol....I put myself in a position to be hurt all the time...so yeah it's my fault
but hey...i'd rather be out there living and taking chances then be enclosed in some self imposed prison in the hopes of being safe and sober. I believe we can stay sober regardless of anyone...but I don't believe others don't impact us...if we let them...and my god...who wants to live as an island unto themselves...better to occasionally get smacked then to miss the opportunity of reaching out to others.
sorta blithering...just have alot on my mind today..if some of it helps you great...you certainly helped me with your post (hug)
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From AA's own How it works: "Our stories disclose in a general way what we used to be like, what happened, and what we are like now."
If someone wants to make the case that they don't want to hear stories about what people used to be like, I'd gentle remind them that per the program it is acceptable. There is a lot of a learning that can be done by reviewing the past, thus why step 4 exists.
If this lady constantly annoys you and distracts you from learning how to live sober then perhaps its time to look for a better fitting meeting?
If someone wants to make the case that they don't want to hear stories about what people used to be like, I'd gentle remind them that per the program it is acceptable. There is a lot of a learning that can be done by reviewing the past, thus why step 4 exists.
If this lady constantly annoys you and distracts you from learning how to live sober then perhaps its time to look for a better fitting meeting?
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