qs4thinking

went to the bar friday with coworkers. i have a rule never to drink with coworkers. they all know about my drinking and tolerate me, i guess.

serious black out drunk. no idea how i got home. woke up, my car wasn't in the front so i took the bus back to the bar. car was where i parked it. sometimes i'm pretty smart even when drunk.

massive flooding in bathroom. no recollection of what happened. and here's the scary part - (very) shallow wounds on my hand. one looks like a fork stab and the other is just a puncture. they are shallow so i don't think any attacked me out of anger. some bruising too.

did i do something at the bar?

am i going to get fired tomorrow?

it's illogical to worry about it. but after hitting it hard last night as well as friday night, i'm having massive panic attacks all day today.

it's frustrating because things are looking very good for me in the immediate future. i should enjoy it, instead i just panic panic panic panic.

trying to resist going to the bar to make everything ok. i could go for just one beer right? i've never once gone for "just one beer."

oh well, i guess i'll know in 24 hours if i'm fired or not. and if i'm not and i'm still having a panic attack, i'll find something else pointless to worry about tomorrow

qs4thinking

i meant to say, i never once gone to the bar for just one beer and actually stopped at just one beer. i've told myself i'd do that many times, each time i lied to myself.

CarolD

When I was a blackout drinker....I too had all sorts of
unexplained "happenings" It was really a dangerous time
in my life. Sorry this is where you are....

Have you considered not drinking?
By becomeing a non drinker....my life has improved

Welcome to SR and to our Alcoholism Forum....

ImReadyToQuit

After that story.. I'd disagree.. Ya really should get some help now, especially if "things" are looking good.

qs4thinking

yes, in the past i have quit for a certain amount of time. 30 days or 90 days. each time i've been successful. quitting "forever" seems daunting and unachievable. small steps of 30 days and 90 days is doable by myself without help. but forever is a long time. thank you for the welcome.

suki44883

How scary that must be for you. I sincerely hope that you didn't do anything too awfully embarrassing or anything to cause you to lose your job. I also hope this is the last time you have to feel such anxiety and panic. It can be the last time, you know.

HumbleBee

Hey there,

I used to also have unbelievable panic attacks after weekend benders - not fun - your body is trying to adjust to the start/stop of alcohol being poured into it.

If you aren't fired tomorrow, do you really want to show up at work feeling worse than you do now by going out drinking again tonight?

Regardless of what happens tomorrow at work, I would seek help whether it's thru your EAP (Employee Assistance Program) or an inpatient or outpatient facility before you're really hurt. The EAP is there for a reason - organizations would rather help existing workers with substance abuse (drugs and/or alcohol) problems in order to keep them rather than fire them and have to hire/train a new person.

If things at work are looking good for you in the immediate future like you said, you must be doing good work - why not hang onto that and continue growing by getting some help?

Glad you posted here. It's a great start. Whatever happens tomorrow, be honest - especially with yourself. Take care.

stugotz

Its funny how when we are confronted with consequences we think there is a problem. Honesty and accountability are hard to practice when we are drunk.

CarolD

Please read this entire link.....blackouts are explained
as well as other infomation you might find interesting

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...influence.html

Ok...so you know you can quit for short periods
why not do that again? Drinking is not doing wonderful
things for you....obviously.

FBL

I used to think that way too. I finally decided to stop thinking about "forever" and just take things one day at a time.

Well, those "one days" pile up pretty quickly. Today is my 281st consecutive "one day" and I've never felt better in my life!

loveon2legs

I do "one day at a time" when I start thinking of the future and circumstances that I'm going to be in it really gets me anxious.. I'm on day 64 and I can honestly say I haven't had a craving to drink...although the the old thoughts play in my head.... I was a blackout drinker too....wake up with all sorts of bruises,things in the house on the floor,and that feeling of dread...makes me feel sick inside when I think of it.....hang in there, things can and will improve!!

qs4thinking

didn't get fired. OF COURSE.

i knew i wouldn't. i knew if i did something terrible, i'd get a text on my phone from one of my coworkers saying "man you're in trouble" or "what the **** is wrong with you." empathy, anger, someone would have said something.

the fact that i "knew" this didn't make the panic any less real.

i didn't drink last night, went to sleep with an ambien. worked out hard today at the gym and feel pretty good right now. it's monday so i won't feel the urge to drink again until friday. saturday will be the worst.

it may sound stupid but i didn't correlate my panic attacks with alcohol until very recently. part of it is because my worst panic attacks were when i stopped drinking for 90days (around 60 or 70 days when i should have been fully detoxed) and in high school when i didn't drink or do drugs at all. i always figured it was a vitamin deficiency that caused my panic attack. not sure where i got that idea. now i have to accept that i have 2 triggers, or the alcohol cause s the vitamin deficiency.

it's definitely time to stop drinking again. i'll have strong urges to drink but previously i've always been able to resist. my goal is to stay clean until the friday before memorial day. if i can't resist the urges then i know i will have a serious problem, more serious than i can handle myself. i've also had goals to eliminate caffeine from my diet so i think now would be a good time to taper that off and attack that goal too.

wish me luck guys. i'll talk to you in a couple of months :-P

Toronto68

QS, you're your own agent, but I think it would be a good idea to come back more frequently, and not just come back in a couple of months. I was not the same type of drinker in the last few years, because I was always at home with it (like being hooked up to an IV as opposed to social drinking - or hellraising). Of course I HAD done the social kind and then there was a period where I wanted to abstain and cut back when I was moving and changing jobs....I was just remembering this tonight, when I was thinking about "relapses." It wasn't like a relapse in the sense of "I tried to quit and I couldn't help it, I picked one up again." I had been having a wee drink here and there after having been a heavy one. But once I was in my new place, had been going to the new job, and everything was all lined up, over a holiday weekend I ripped into the drinking like crazy. That is like a relapse to me. Nothing really bad happened (other than my destroying part of my stereo out of anger), but that was classic cutting loose and going back to drinking worse than I had been.

I am here now, and I am OK (so I think, ha ha). But almost ten years have gone by since that holiday weekend and I spent most of it "hooked up to an IV," as I call it. You could spare yourself some trouble of SOME kind, whether blackout drinking in public or private using - I had fake fun and ultimately real misery. If you want something better, then I want that too.

If you want to avoid that extra stuff, then maybe you can look into stopping differently and also stick with the site along the way (??).

Fortlow

Usually panic attacks are brought on by the wrong chemicals in you or faulty thinking. David Burns has a drug-free approach to overcoming anxiety and panic attacks in his book called When Panic Attacks. I highly recommend it.

Recovery1983

QS, I read your post yesterday and I was anticipating to see what would happen today. I'm relieved that you werent fired but at the same time, I'm weary that this might also disguise the problem. I'm not here to say whether you are or arent an alcoholic but I can relate to your situation and I am a alcoholic. Only you can decide when you are ready or if you were just overreacting but I think there is a general consensus of your situation.

In my situation, I tried it my way and it just DID NOT work. It might have worked once or twice but the progression came fast. Each time I tried it my way, the wreckage and the insanity just multiplied. I have yet to figure anything out about alcoholism but I just know that for me, there is no way through alcohol. I encourage you to keep in touch on here and read the stories and the posts. Consider this last incident with your work a knock on the door by your higher power. It is your decision to answer the door. I just hope that you will answer the door before you are unable to answer the door.

yeahgr8

So you are starting to understand that alcohol is a very destructive part of your life, with the potential problems at work and panic attacks...maybe recognising you have a problem with booze? How do you get from this serious problem that is affecting your life to tapering off coffee, what has that got to do with it...i ask because i don't get it:-)