ClayTheScribe

I've read most of your thread, right on. I really like how you write and how you put things. You should consider writing a memoir, I hear those sell like hotcakes provided you're completely honest.

No mind how long it took you to get sober, just that you are getting sober, and staying that way. I'm only 24, but I am also unemployed (was laid off about 5 months ago) and haven't been able to find a job inside or out of my profession. But I've managed to stay sober for that long and I feel I am the better for it. I'm glad you're already starting to feel that way. Yes, the best part of getting sober is having more energy; that's been more pronounced the longer I stay away from weed--and staying away from depressants in general. With the more energy, I've also been exercising and taking supplements. It's wonderful how good you can feel huh? I've also been reading more and faster, that's another boost. I think you got sober at the right time as the economy seems to be improving and having yourself back will make finding that job that much easier.

And about the God/religion thing, I'm an atheist myself, but I know AA can work for you regardless your qualms with religion. And believing in a Christian God and having qualms with religion doesn't make you an agnostic, rather it makes you a Christian. Mother Theresa admitted in a book to many times not feeling the presence of God and having problems with her faith. Nonetheless I wouldn't worry about labels, just that you do believe and strengthen that connection to your God so as to have something/someone to tether your newly sober soul.

Continued success,

Clay

Weeza

Hi Untoxicated,
Today is the big day.... Christmas Eve and Christmas, and you've got some hardcore sobriety birth day to hold on to for next year. Try to hang on to that. I'm always wow'd by folks taking their anniversary chips and cakes right before the holidays.

Hope to read your Day Eight is doing you well. Keep on posting!

Untoxicated

Thank you Carol and Weeza, a very Merry Christmas/Happy Holidays to both of you (and everyone else)!

Thanks for the post Clay it brought me joy.

I have thought about it from time to time and oddly enough I thought I wrote better when I was drinking. Thoughts, ideas, and words seemed to spill from my head onto the paper effortlessly and at the time I thought I was writing the next big screenplay...the problem was the next day, when sober, I'd read it...LOL, "delusions of grandeur" pretty much sums it up. I was told to read A Million Little Pieces but since the scandal of it being made up in parts, I've lost interest. A memoir isn't a bad idea, after all truth is most certainly stranger than fiction most of the time.

I'm sorry to hear about your unemployment too, yeah it's the sign of the times. When I'm honest with myself, I haven't been searching or networking that much. Just allowing myself to brood in my own homemade broth of self-pity and self-loathing - watching life rather than living it.

5 months of sobriety? That's incredible!!! It seems almost unattainable to me at this point, but the human will is something to be reckoned with (be it for good or bad). You're very lucky to have realized this pitfall at only 24, if only I knew then what I know now - but I'm sure that could be put on everyone's tombstone right? The Corrs with Rod Stewart...Style

Totally agree with the exercise thing - I don't think I'd be anywhere close to having 10 days of sobriety this easily without it. It seems to reverse the vicious cycle of depressed --> drink --> depressed --> drink to a more positive cycle exercise --> feel good --> exercise --> feel good --> exercise.

Regarding faith, I'm still working on that - day by day but it's getting better and better. I'd consider myself a Christian if anything else. When I was your age I considered myself an atheist too, but so many events unfolded in my life I chose to believe (stories for the memoir right? ). Whatever road you're on at this point in your life or later I hope it's a sober one.

Yep, I have read the "dark letters" that were almost ordered burned by Mother Teresa. The truth of the matter is that many, if not all, religious figures have had doubts about the existence/kindness of God at least once - even Jesus asked why His Father had forsaken him as he died on the cross.

Thankfully this site allows Atheists like you and Christians like me to get along just fine and enjoy the ride of this life together harmoniously.

I wish you the same Clay! Keep up the good work bud!

Untoxicated
Day 10

Andreas

Hi, Untoxicated! You seem to be a clever and a well-educated person ("I have my bookshelf in my home office filled with the works of ancient and modern day philosophers.") Well, it's a great advantage of yours, really. You are able to THINK. You are able to ANALYSE. You are able to COME TO CONCLUSIONS. Why not come to RIGHT conclusions? You are ABLE to do it. And moreover, you have some people around who are not indifferent. You father, your girlfriend... Some of us are quite lonely. You AREN'T. One more great advantage! The only thing you need is a little point in life to stick to, something that adds sense to all of it. Just look around, and you will notice it. Not at first sight, of course, but you will. And remember, you are by no means worse than the others, and your piece of luck awaits you.

Merry Christmas!

basIam

Hey Un!

Hope you hang in there.

I myself, am an agnostic! Meaning, I believe that the only things I can "know" are material.

gnostic: from the greek gnosis - to possess knowledge, esp knowledge only obtainable to a select group of people.
agnostic: not possessing knowledge, esp knowledge only obtainable to a select group of people.

Somedays, I am better able to set aside my agnosticism and act on faith, and some days not - I act on fear.

I believe there is a specific reason the title of the chapter is called "We Agnostics" and not "To Agnostics"

For those who consider themselves athiests, I always wonder, are they perhaps simply agnostics who choose to not follow faith? I mean, if there is a God, would you be able to "know" God as you "know" anything else in the material world?

And for those who are deist, and don't consider themselves agnostic, I always ask, "Well, if you know God, please, introduce me!"

So for me, agnosticism is not a four-letter word. On the contrary. It is something to be embraced. There is an implicit humility associated with knowing, in the Grand Scheme of things, human perception is not the ultimate when coupled with a willingness to set this inate agnosticsm aside and attempt to act on faith.

A wonderful woman once said to me, "Out of Great Doubt, Comes Even Greater Faith"

Untoxicated

Thank you so much for such a nice message...and thank you for the humbling insight. Too often I find myself counting up the things I don't have rather than counting all that I do have. It not so much took sobriety as it took the will to stay sober in order for me to see that.

A very Merry Christmas to you as well!

Hi basIam,
Thanks for sharing your thoughts. Faith is an individual journey to be sure, not unlike sobriety. You may have a great support group that helps you through the tough times but in the end you are the shot caller on both your faith and your actions. I can't prove or disprove God anymore than I can prove or disprove that I have a computer in my lap. There is no human device constructed that could, with 100% certainty, statiscally replicate that my 5 senses are correct 100% of the time due to human error in constructing such a device. So I have faith (belief + trust) that my senses are correct and conclude that I have a laptop in my lap.

When people ask me about my faith I usually just quote Sir Francis Bacon, "A little philosophy inclineth man's mind to atheism, but depth in philosophy bringeth men's minds about to religion."


Thanks again and Happy Holidays!!!

Andreas

By the way, Un (I like this abbreviation if you don't mind ), perhaps you know the saying which sounds like "Those of us are rich who have enough". That is, even billionaires can be beggars if they spend their lives looking for more. In fact, what do we need? A place to live in (a palace is not necessary ), something to eat every day (too delicious - not necessary, just healthy), something to put on our sinful bodies (Gianni Versace's clothes are not a must either ) - these are to keep us physically. Not too much, we should admit. More important: we need friends to exchange our ideas and find understanding, we need love (no comment), and we need a cause to live on. The cause does not need to be a great, or a global one. Just something that makes the life complete, even a regular hobby, to say nothing of books with their age-long wisdom... And all of us are eager to be continued, even when we do not realize it. To be continued in our deeds and - children. We have to know that something or somebody will remain on the Earth when we are gone. Does it have anything to do with money? Hardly. But life is a great thing. And it is worth staying sober, because only sobriety gives the things we badly need to live: friendship, love, occupation, children - Future. I wish your will to be strong!

Untoxicated

LOL @ the "we need love (no comment)."

I agree, the best things in life are free.

I'm not sure if you're familiar with Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs but your post reminded me of it...(all psychological speculation ["psychobabble"] but fairly sound reasoning nonetheless)

File:Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs.svg - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

I do find it strange the we have some sort of "immortality" mindset and a desire to leave a footprint on this Earth of some sort. Perhaps I shouldn't say we, but I certainly do and most of the people I know do as well. Is it part of a Divine Plan or an emotional evolutionary mutation that has aided the survival of our species? I don't know.

The gf is gone until Monday which is a bummer but she has to see her family too so I have to share. I tried to get to the gym today and my car wouldn't start - battery is dead. Determined not to miss a day of exercise I'll be putting together a dumbbell set and installing a chinup bar I bought back when money was plentiful. (Note to self: don't buy workout equipment expecting it to make you want to workout...you have to want to workout, then consider buying workout equipment).

I probably had the best Christmas I can remember yesterday. My gf cooked a nice Christmas meal for the two of us and we exchanged gifts. (My favorite gift from her was the meal, she got up at 6am to prepare it for the afternoon and so much love went into that meal - but I didn't want to chance telling her that because she did get me some nice gifts). I spent time with my family and we had dinner and saw It's Complicated last night (cute movie). Other than my aunt and my job (or lackthereof) everything seemed right with the world for the first time in...I honestly can't remember.

I hope everyone else had a safe and sober last few days.

Day 11
Untoxicated

Untoxicated

Not much to report today, I'm pretty tired...

Had a dream last night about finding a bag of cocaine with a buddy and taking off to try it. I've never tried cocaine in my life...'been offered it several times but never took part. Strange strange strange - the only thing I can think of is that I was watching the movie Bad Boys just before bed last night but don't recall a scene with that in it. Ah well, it was just a dream however strange it was.

Worked out at home today because my battery is shot.

The gf gets home tomorrow...finally (seems like forever). Her mother really ticks me off though, saying things like, "he's just gonna go back to drinkin'!" or "you know when you're gone he's cheating on you!" Just a bunch of completely unnecessary bull-brown. Good Lord, that may be my mother-in-law one day...ODAAT.

Other than that another sober day enjoyed.

Untoxicated
Day 12

P.S. I've been reading some stories of others on here lately and there is quite a lot of grief to be read but also a lot of strength, encouragement, and love too. I'll be keeping all of those working on recovery in my prayers along with those that have been injured by the those recovering.

P.P.S What is this star doing??? -->

barb dwyer

Untox... that's been bothering me as well.

I mean ... what *is* it doing?

NoMoBeer

Hey Untox...

Glad to see you are doing well. Curious if you have found your way back to meetings? They seem to help me, especially when I find myself "overthinking" things... remember to keep it simple. Recovery is 'simple, but not easy.'

Great job on your time so far, just take it one day at a time and even a moment at a time if needed.

NMB

Untoxicated

Yeah Barb I hear ya, not quite sure what that star is trying to prove.

NMB,

Thanks and no I haven't made it to a meeting and if I'm honest, I don't know when or if I will. Today is day 12 for me and I have yet to have a craving for alcohol. I've been getting back into exercise, God, and the important people in my life and so far it seems to be working. I've also eliminated all habits that I associated with alcohol. I've got too many reasons not to drink and only excuses disguised as reasons to drink.

I am planning on reading the BB and that may spark my interest to go, but as for now, "if it ain't broke, don't fix it." That's about as simple as I can get.

I hear you about keeping it simple, that was a big problem for me - I was a star defense attorney for alcohol in the courtroom of my brain. So far it appears that court has adjourned. On Christmas day, I celebrated 90 days free from my anti-depressant and I can say that it has made all the difference in my decision to use or abuse alcohol. Prior to my anti-depressant use I didn't abuse alcohol (save college parties) or let it cause "my life to become unmanageable."

Amazing quote and so very true. If I do come to the point of craving alcohol and once again entering the courtroom (my brain), I will remember what you said and consider a meeting.

Thanks for your wisdom NMB!

Day 12

Untoxicated

EDIT: For some reason I can't edit my post. Today is day 13! It's like waking up and finding out you still have a few hours to sleep before you have to get up.

Andreas

Hi, Untox (oh, I like this abbrev even more as it is a little more 'informative'). About Maslow - I heard something about that Hierarchy of Needs but could not remember the name, so - thanks. As for our subtle wish to leave a footfrint, well, there is something in it. Humans have a history, the world is still in the process of development. Each generation leaves something for the followers, we can't stop, and we can't ignore the background. I guess, it IS a part of a Divine Plan, why not? We do not know the point we are heading for on the Earth, but we may appreciate the things and experience we have inherited from out ancestors who left a footprint for us...

Now, cocaine... I've never tried it. But they say it's a kind of acid (chemically), and it dissolves the brain all right. Isn't it another point to come to a right conclusion?

Dreams, griefs... They come and go. I sometimes feel badly depressed without any obvious reason, too. And have no solution to that. Doing something seems to be the best way out. And waiting till this 'blackout' is gone...

The star reminds me some very old movie (I can't remember exactly what, maybe stararring Fred Aster), some sailors dancing, with their hands on their knees moving from one knee to the other. It looked as if their legs changes places, rather funny

Cheer up, Untox. Every cloud has a silver lining, when bad times are gone, good times come. It's life (created in compliance with a Divine Plan...).

Andreas

Trouble with posting. I had to wait for half an hour, the forum seemed to be down

Untoxicated

Thanks for your thoughts Andreas. For the most part, I've been in festive spirits...happier than I ever was on anti-depressants (and feeling more free as well - basically I feel like me again, and it's nice to meet myself again).

Day 14,
Holy Sheet, I'm halfway there (for my short term goal of 30 days). I can't remember the last time I didn't drink for 14 straight days AND didn't use some sort of non-productive outlet to escape myself. I can tell you it wasn't once in the last for years.

I've been working out religiously and eating much healthier and it has made a tremendous difference in both how I feel physically and emotionally - I'm already in the market for a new pair of jeans that are a waist size smaller.

I got my credit card bill today and I couldn't help but feel sick to see how much I was actually spending on alcohol a month. I guess I'll just add that to the laundry list of reasons not to drink.

I've never been the meditation type of person, but it was suggested that I try it for 10 minutes everyday so I think I may just do that. One of my flaws is impatience and I'm hoping it helps me with that.

It's hard to believe two weeks ago today I was still feeling sorry for myself, drinking, and shutting people out of my life.

This weeks lessons to myself:
1. Excercise is not a suggestion but a requirement for my overall well-being.
2. My sobriety brings joy to more lives than just mine.
3. "Get off the cross, we need the wood." Pity parties don't benefit anyone and hurt me the most.
4. I wasn't done drinking, even though I told myself I was time and time again during those four years. I had to want sobriety more than anything in the world.
5. I had forgotten how great it feels to go to bed at night and wake up in the morning with a clear conscience.
6. Sobriety is better than I expected.

Andreas

A perfect list of lessons, I should say! I only wish your short term goal (30 days) grew a bit more, and then a bit more, and more, until it became eternal And a couple more comments. First. Perhaps, I am a kind of Uncle Scrooge, but spending money on some things (including alcohol) has always made me quite uneasy. Maybe, it is one of the reasons that I am not a drinker... Second. Feeling sorry for oneself. Isn't it just selfishness? Anyway, we can always notice someone nearby who deserves pity and sympathy more than we. It often helps me to take things adequately...

Very glad to hear that you feel fine! Good luck!

soberinwpg

This weeks lessons to myself:
1. Excercise is not a suggestion but a requirement for my overall well-being.
2. My sobriety brings joy to more lives than just mine.
3. "Get off the cross, we need the wood." Pity parties don't benefit anyone and hurt me the most.
4. I wasn't done drinking, even though I told myself I was time and time again during those four years. I had to want sobriety more than anything in the world.
5. I had forgotten how great it feels to go to bed at night and wake up in the morning with a clear conscience.
6. Sobriety is better than I expected.

Wow. What a great list. Thank you for that.

Congrats!!

Untoxicated

Thanks Andreas! I couldn't agree more regarding the 30 day goal. My long term goal is 90 days but that seemed a bit daunting at the beginning so I told myself just 30 days. I read/heard? somewhere that it takes about 90 days for behavioral/lifestyle changes to become routine so I'm shooting for 90 (with the hopes of increasing that once I get to that bridge).

I'm glad to hear you aren't wasting money getting wasted either. I'd hate to know what I've spent on alcohol over the past four years (and that's just money, far more valuable currencies - [time for example] were wasted during that time). I hear you on the self-pity, it certainly is selfish as there are so many people that, despite my life being far from perfect, have it worse than me.

Soberinwpg,
You are more than welcome and thank you for the comment.

Day 15,
I've officially started two-a-days today. I'm doing cardio training in the morning and resistance training in the late afternoon. Getting ready to hit the weights in about a half hour and I'm still a bit tired from the cardio but am looking forward to getting better.

Sometimes I get down about wasting the last year without a job that could have been used to get myself straight, but I always end up happy when I realize that time has finally come.

When I was working out yesterday I had a feeling of disbelief that I was actually doing this...doing all the things I said I'd do for four years. "I'll do it tomorrow" was the most cunning and deadly phrase I could have thought to myself. "What about today?" was what I should have asked myself - but at the time my answer would have been, "Well today I'm drinking...tomorrow is the day to improve myself - I've had a stressful day and deserve a drink." It's amazing how I can see excuses littered through my previous thought processes, but at the time it all made so much sense.

Untoxicated.

ClayTheScribe

Be wary of setting goals for not drinking as that sets you up for relapse. Your ideal goal should be to stay sober today and not to think about, "if I can only make it 90 days." Your alcoholic brain will try to trick you into thinking, "Well you've made it 90 days, now you can drink." Not saying you will, but it's happened to the best of us, myself included. It's good to have goals, but deadlines can be hazardous in early sobriety. For example, I don't think, well I have 5 months now, if I can only get to 6 months. My goal is just to stay sober today and for some people that's hard enough.

Keep up the good work though.