Untoxicated

Thanks for the input and advice Clay.

I bolded the above because it speaks to what is going on in my head. I don't see this as a countdown/deadline rather as a challenge/goal. In other words, I'm not "waiting to drink", I'm living each day without one and trying to meet my goal at the same time.

The idea is about setting small goals and completing those goals to improve self-esteem as well as moral. An example is making a list and crossing off things I have completed on that list - each time I complete something I am positively reinforced to complete more. It's a bit like that for me. Each day I don't drink is one day closer to my goal and I am positively reinforced to not drink tomorrow.

This time I've been doing more than just not drinking. I've been helping friends and family with things, working out, talking with people in my life for a change, basically living each day rather than watching on the sidelines as another day goes by without alcohol.

Thanks again, I hope all is well in your neck of the woods.

Untoxicated

Some days sobriety is a nice sunny day with a breeze to your back and a spring in your step. Other days it's like drinking from a fire hydrant and getting hit in the crotch with a taser when you just wanted a roll of toilet paper to finish the job in a public restroom. Wherever you're at tonight in your journey I hope it's safe, sober, and sunny.

I'm having a bit of a drinking from the hydrant/taser day but life goes on. Still no cravings for alcohol, but I just felt a bit down today - welcome to normal living right?

Happy New Year and here's to a better year in 2010!

Untoxicated
Day 16

Andreas

I absolutely agree. The point is that you must remove alcohol from your life completely. You just have to forget that it exists. Or you must make it a taboo (such as murdering, for example). It is a great illusion that your system will be free of alcohol dependence in a month, or three months, or a couple of years. I am afraid it is impossible. The very first dose of aclohol taken after the period of abstinence will most likely hurl you back to uncontroled drinking. You will only feel fine if you do not take a single drop of alcohol any more. Never. You must get accustomed to this word. But there is a good news. In a month, or three months, thoughts about alcohol will visit you much more rarely, and you will gain much more strength to repulse them.
So, time is on your side, Untox!


Very good that you have no craving. As for feeling a bit down, it is normal. No tragedy at all, and no need for special care either, I guess. It comes and it goes, as I said before. And Happy New Year!

Untoxicated

Unless you weren't dependent on alcohol to begin with. Am I? I'm not too sure. I am sure that drinking won't get me where I need to go right now. I'm more convinced that my SSRI caused me to crave alcohol and act on those cravings for alcohol and was therefore more detrimental to my well being than alcohol was or had ever been. This is based on previous experience with alcohol not being a problem until I started my SSRI. Coincidence?, not likely, but still a possibility. One could argue that the circumstances, independent of the SSRI, lead me to drink.

Pg. 38 of Under the Influence

"In a 1968 experiment rats dramatically reduced or completely stopped drinking alcohol when given a chemical substance which depleted the brain's supply of seratonin. Seratonin, a brain amine responsible for relaying messages from one brain cell to another, appears to increase the animal's preference for alcohol. For the brains of alcohol-seeking mice and rats, for example, contain higher levels of seratonin than the brains of alcohol-avoiding animals. Further, drinking alcohol increases seratonin concentrations in the brains of animals that show a preference for alcohol but not in those which avoid it."

This paragraph, for me, was worth the price of this book. I hadn't, until I read this page, realized that the SSRI could have ever been my problem. So I was not only supplementing my brain's natural levels of seratonin (this increase caused me to become an "alcohol-seeking rat") but I was, as the bold points out, increasing seratonin levels by drinking thus catapulting my desire to drink alcohol to a new level.

The times I drank when not on my SSRI became less often and much less intense. In other words, I could drink "more normally", but not as normal as a normal person based on my behavioral pattern not being congruent with my brain chemsitry.

So am I an alcoholic? problem drinker? I don't know but the answer really doesn't matter because regardless of the answer alcohol is not good for me because I have used it irresponsibly for the last four years.

Thanks for the words of encouragement. I've been lucky? to not have any cravings and I keep waiting for "the big one", the white-knuckler that I used to have on my SSRI or from the stories I've read on here. So far, I'm still waiting.

Yeah, it's life - I remember feeling like this before my downward spiral and I remember it being normal and just part of life. It's hard to believe that it was so easy to forget such a simple thing in life. Happy New Year to you as well!

Andreas

First, let us hope it won't be so "big". We often demonstrate a tendency to exaggerate. Why not try to diminish it a little, once in a while? Second. I am not sure, as I have never experienced such cravings, but "waiting" seems to be somewhat wrong. Perhaps, a better solution is switching your mind to a different problem. When we think of something all the time, the risk of facing the problems grows higher after all. What about tracing one more goal in addition to "30 days" - in order to divert? A goal that is absolutely different from quitting alcohol, but will require some efforts to be achieved.

Untoxicated

Good morning Andreas.

I'm glad you've never had to experience such cravings. I hadn't either until I started my Zoloft. It certainly makes sense regarding the exaggeration/drama thing but let me assure you - "craving" was not a strong enough term for my desire for alcohol. It was more of an obsession with compulsive acts to drink - so as much as I'd like to trivialize that feeling...I can't, it is what it is.

That said, I hadn't experienced such strong emotions to drink with such little defense against them before I started Zoloft and I'm glad that I haven't since I stopped drinking and taking the Zoloft. However, some fear of those emotions still remains after 4 years, just like most traumatic events in one's life. Armed with more knowledge, better logic, and zero SSRI in my bloodstream I'm confident that I'll make it through.

I like your additional goal suggestion. Rest assured I've got plenty of goals, so many in fact, that it might not be realistic...so I have to remember to "Keep It Simple" and "Easy Does It."

Another sober day above ground and loving it - Day 18

ClayTheScribe

Member Mattcake79 just urged someone in chat last night to guard against anticipating cravings...self-fulfilling prophecy and all. I think better might be to anticipate tomorrow will be another great day sober!

Untoxicated

Not a bad idea and thanks. I may have to try that chat out sometime.

Andreas

19th Good Morning, Untox!

I have always thought that the body is a perfect system which produces any chemicals it needs itself, and no extra chemistry is required

Untoxicated

Day 19

Ah where to begin?

Today is a big day for me - I've got to make sure that I get my resume and cover letter in order and get them on every job board I can before tomorrow hits (one of my goals). Then starts my endless job search once again as the gf goes back to work and I'm pretty bummed about that (I was spoiled while she was off for the holidays).

Just finished my AM workout and will be hitting the weights in the PM. IMO exercise should be mandatory in tandem with recovery (provided medical clearance of course). I can't remember feeling this good. I don't feel like I'm carrying around a stack of tires anymore. My gf says I don't look like I'm 9 months pregnant anymore, just 6 months! But hey, that's a trimester I've shaved off in under 3 weeks, I'll take it. I'm looking forward to losing all my gestation weeks and appearing like a virgin once again, wait that came out wrong...or did it?

I've been having quite a bit of memory recall. Both good and bad, it's like I'm living the Butterfly Effect. My mind thinks of random memories from both my childhood and early adulthood and they are flooding my brain. Really strange. It doesn't affect me emotionally, at least not on a conscious level.

2010 - a new year, new hope - life is good. Life is going to be good again this year I can feel it.

Untoxicated

Good morning to you as well!

I couldn't agree more (in my case anyhow) where were you four years ago???

Andreas

Four years ago??? Well... Definitely, somewhere on Earth! But, frankly speaking, I doubt that you would have liked to listen to me then Perhaps, you had to live through all of it yourself, to understand something - something that no one could have explained to you. There are things that we can only comprehend personally, without other people's interference, and nobody knows the reasons for that...

whatevername

EXCELLENT ADVICE!! Same thing happened to me...
I was three months sober and going to my favorite meeting when I was talking (and really upset that my wife and I were fighting) some guy put his hand on my shoulder and said 'hey maybe you should calm down and give someone else a chance to talk' ...well that did I left that meeting with the attitude "I'll SHOW HIM, I'LL KILL ME!!!"
went out and got drunk for another year daily...never went back...until recently...what a waste of time that resentment was, I could've just kept going to meetings and I would have that year back...

also , if it makes you feel any better, I am unemployed, approaching 40 super fast and have been made redundant in my work skills plus I rent with my wife. We all gotta start somewhere eh?

Best of luck to you

Untoxicated

I appreciate you sharing and no, I don't take pleasure in other people's misfortune...but it is always nice to know I'm not alone.

I've been to quite a few meetings in the past and never had a bad experience, then again I don't think I ever really said much (pretty much unlike me) but I wasn't going because I wanted to go I was going because my friends and family wanted me to go - so I went to shut them up rather than start the healing process. We all know what happens when you quit because someone else wants you to...

Day 20,
I haven't made it to day 20 in four years so each day is a record breaker from here on out. Tomorrow will be three weeks to the day - wow hard to believe it seems like yesterday and 10 years ago all at the same time.

I'm doing what I can to improve all areas of my life - reading, working out, praying, actively searching for jobs, and eating correctly. I guess at this point it's just about keeping the momentum and trusting that by doing good things good things will happen. When I find myself getting stressed or unable to sleep I have to remind my self that it's out of my hands.

Another sober and happy day.

Untoxicated

P.S. I quit my anti-depressant on 9/25/09 and on 12/16/09 I decided to get sober for real for the first time in four years. Coincidence or Correlation? Who knows but let's just say I'll never take them again.

Untoxicated

Three weeks ago today I was in bad shape.

I had no hope, no plan, and no desire to do anything positive with my life.
Fast forward three weeks and I have tremendous hope, a plan, and all the desire in the world to improve my life.

The most important lesson I learned this week is that is does and will get better, but only if you allow it to.

I'm not a big fan of the title of this thread, so stick a fork in it because it's done. Mods please lock as "drank last night" is no longer relevant to me.

Thank you all for your help, advice, and support.

CarolD

Yes....I'll close this thread
and be looking forward to your new one.

Well done on your 3 weeks of progress.....