Untoxicated

Hi guys,

I'm throwing myself a pity party today and I can freely admit that. I feel so damn angry with myself for drinking.

I'm going through a whirlwind of emotions anger, depression, confusion, despair, and regret.

4 years ago I was a normal productive member of society and now I feel as if I have nothing. I'm trying to stay positive and count the things I do have - a home, food to eat, clothes to wear, an eduction, great family/friends, and one seriously (almost saintly) girlfriend who has dealt with my brown for the last 2.5 years and still hasn't lost any love for me.

I'm 33 and was laid off so I'm on unemployment and I haven't been able to land a job in over a year.

I feel as if being 33 is like 3pm in the day - it's almost too early to start anything and almost too late to start anything. I guess I feel as if I'm too old and I've lost hope for building my future. (I understand age is relative and those that are older may see me as a pup but I don't see it that way). I've lost my motivation and zest for life and I don't know how to get it back!

I'm not sure why I posted, I guess I really want some support or a good kick in the arse...I really don't even know what I want other than a good life - one I had 4 years ago.

I've been to AA/NA several times and really found it to be unhelpful (I've tried several chapters to "find your home group/one that fits" but to no avail). I think I now see that this was an excuse, both to protect me from failure and the work required to get sober. I was raised Christian but I'm told I'm more agnostic because although I believe in a Christian God, I have major issues with religion (I see religion as a man-made control system of wealth and power that uses a fundamental search for meaning in life as its motive).

I really don't know what else to say but sure would like some of your wisdom and company - even when I'm surrounded by people I feel lonely lately it's so weird. I just feel empty - God calling me back?

I've decided to go to AA and stay until the miracle happens as they say. I suppose when the student is ready the teacher appears. Man oh man, and I ready to put aside all bias, excuses, and walls to get my life right.

Thanks for listening.

Untoxicated - Day One

Mark75

Throw out what you know about religion if it is creating issues in your life. Take a look in the Big Book and read the chapter "To the Agnostics". Find a Higher Power, a God of your understanding. On that you trust and can have faith in. It's a spiritual solution, not a religion.

The miracle can happen, but do the work, get into the program with a sponsor.

Mark

Texasblind

Wow Untoxicated, are you me?

My story is virtually the same except I'm 34, and my company was paying me under the table, so no unemployment. But, I was only gone about 4 years myself.

My advice is maybe go to each meeting a few times, in doing so, you will find people you connect with and can share with. Then, they can direct you the meetings that might suit you best. Also, maybe think really hard about a "higher power of YOUR understanding."

Best of luck, glad you're here!
Tex

NewMe11109

Untoxicated - Welcome. Glad you have joined us.

I think that a person is never too young or too old to try something new.

Alcoholism is probably one of the hardest things I ever have dealt with .. and I couldn't stop drinking until I realized that I couldn't deal with it myself... I needed help.

I agree with Cubile - Don't worrk about the religion stuff in AA, as it is about spirituality and not religion. The word God sets some people off, but that is just what they chose to call the higher power in the Big Book.

I needed to surrender to the fact that I couldn't do it myself, and then, counter-intuitively, I was able to stop drinking.

I have been where you are. You are lucky to recognize it now and get off this elevator that doesn't stop going down until you are in the ground.

Stereosteveo

"I feel so damn angry with myself for drinking."

Today I look back at all the time I spent beating myself up. I just have to laugh at how close-minded and stubborn I stayed for so long. I never had trouble making use of what they had to offer on the streets, but it was a whole different story when I got in recovery.

I don't know why I didn't believe them when they told me "There is A Solution".

CarolD

I think you are heading in the right direction

For the past 20 years ..
.I've found AA to be an awesome adventure....

All my best as you move forward

AustinJim

Willingness! Hooray! All the best, give the steps an honest shot, with a sponsor. You WONT be disappointed.

Weeza

Hi Unintoxicated,

I was also 33 when I came to my 5 year sobriety date and was suddenly unemployed. By will of fate, I ended up in France where I couldn't speak a word of French, and while scared of being friendless in a foreign country, I could find AA and NA meetings that were mostly in French so took it as an opportunity to learn French and made commitments my full-time job. By the end of my four year detour, I could fluently speak and read French. And while there were many invitations to drink since most French and Swiss drink wine with meals, somehow by keeping close with other sober members, I didn't slip.

Please don't be too hard on yourself for what happened and try not to let that become an excuse for doing research (like going on a binge to get it out of your system). You slipped, learned how bad that feels, now you can take it as turning over a new leaf and not going back to the old way. You still have your four years of experience with being sober and that time isn't gone... it's just you now have a new sobriety date. Water under the bridge.

But of course you will face lots of troublesome feelings, mostly self-guilt. Hey, not one of us is perfect... we're only human and the disease is what it is... just don't let it get any more leverage over you by letting it tell you that you're a loser. You're not a loser. And as for being unemployed, well it's just the sign of the times... 12% of America is unemployed and it's growing daily. But maybe the feeling of being unemployed makes you feel like you're not doing something of quality with your life today so perhaps look around to charities and sober living homes that might need extra hands. I find that when I feel down about not doing more in my own life, that when I go be of service, somehow the message gets across to me that my life is just right and I have it much better off than other people around in the community.

It'll be okay. You have the foundation that brought you through your first year and as that worked for an additional three years, why not see about going back to what worked the first time around and cut yourself some slack for slipping the other day.

I'm in a similar situation with changing my sobriety date after having 18 years. There's a question for me whether I've really slipped or not since it was prescribed meds for medical conditions out of my control, but as I didn't discuss the matter with my sponsor, she's changed my sobriety date and I'm now attending meetings as a newcomer. Day eleven for me. Yes, it's humiliating but it's just time... So I'm with you in the feeling of being down and doing a lot of crying over the whole deal, resentful over some dogma, angry with God for not answering my prayers to remove pain from my body, resentful with the Big Book for being out dated in language, but there's plenty of good sense in it all and it's just a matter of me not attaching religion to the spiritual aspect of what recovery is all about.

It could be an interesting time for you in the next few months as you 'out' yourself for having slipped and may encounter less friendliness among members you had a deep bond with in the beginning.... like experiencing feelings of being shunned, but when I encounter that, I don't take it as a personal failure but more something to do with old friends being uncomfortable with their fears of the same thing happening to them down the road. A relapse is not contagious but can sure be treated as such... let it go.

Just take care of yourself and keep checking in with other alkies in recovery.

I respect you for your honesty and feel you have courage to share such a painful update, but admission is the first step and you're back on your way to having this all behind you.

Take care,
Weeza

Cornbrosia

Im relatively new in recovery but this is my experience. I was sober and going to AA for about 7 months. I got a sponsor and a home group. I only met one person i felt comfortable with and I was miserable so i drank again. I've been sober now for about a month and a half and everything is completely different. It was the best thing that ever happened to me. I learned a lot about myself and about what I need to do on a daily basis to stay sober. Dont get down on yourself. Most of us relapse at some point in recovery. What matters is how to respond to it and just remember that something good can come out of the worst situations

Untoxicated

Thank you all for your kind words of support and encouragement - pearls of wisdom littered within each message.

Weeza,
Your post really spoke to me and gave me some hope. To be fair I haven't been sober for the last four years, rather the last four years are when things started to change for the worse and I started drinking due to anti-depressants. I don't blame them completely for my alcohol abuse as I have to accept responsibility but I certainly wasn't myself on them.

I'm more of a binge drinker, maybe a hard night this week, four nights that week, and sometimes weeks without drink - although I can't remember not drinking in a 30 or more period in the last four years so I think my 30 day sobriety will be a big celebration for me.

I think being unemployed does make it more difficult - I don't feel like I'm contributing to the world or leaving my mark on it so volunteering sounds pretty good, but I think I'll baby steps it with some meetings first. I may have to branch out in my job search as well, I'm still looking for that high paying job I lost and perhaps it's not in the cards for me at this time.

As an aside, a pretty cool story IMO, my mom was extremely worried about me so she wrote a major movie star about me - one who has also battled addiction...and won. To protect this person's identity, I'll just call he/she Superfly or SF for short (it was between that or Dolemite because I need a bit of a laugh right now - this has nothing to do with a race reference I just always found those movies hilarious).

She didn't expect anything to come of it, but SF wrote back and also wrote a letter to me. A few more letters were exchanged between them and then they talked on the phone - SF, convinced we were good people from a not trying to scam money, gave my mom SF's phone number. SF just called to wish my mother a happy thanksgiving from another country during a movie shoot and told my mother to have me call SF if I was serious about help. As it turns out SF is offering to pay for me to go to a rehab. I haven't had the desire to enter rehab because I want to try AA first but what a miracle of human kindness. SF doesn't know me from Adam but is willing to pay for my rehab. My mom has even talked with SF's marriage partner a few times. I need to call or at least write to SF because of SF's incredible gesture of kindness.

My girlfriend is downstairs sleeping and I couldn't sleep so came to the computer and had a nice cry - it's been years since I've cried, I really can't tell you but probably since I was a kid - but I think I'm finally mature enough to not buy into the "men don't cry" Axe Body Spray ideal.

Anyhow, my goal is to forget and give myself this time tonight to get all my poor mes out of the way and formulate a Battle Plan of things I can do while I have the time. I'm also thankful for the Unemployment Extension passed in November and a large amount of money I have in investments should I run out of unemployment in order to keep my house and my sanity.

Before bed, I picked up a Bedtime Blessings book I got years ago and as luck would have it tonight's passage was about forgetting (how fitting) and how forgetting is a solo journey, no one can do it for you. Through forgetting we can start truly forgiving - to paraphrase. I need to stop dwelling on the past and start living in the present - until I do that I'll never be able to forgive myself. The past is what made me, but the present is what makes me.

My Dad's Christmas card to me this year was fairly unique - it's called The Christmas Sweater by Glenn Beck, he (my Dad) claims it's message is something I could really use right now.

Well, I'm actually getting a bit tired, perhaps there is something to this writing your problems out and reaching out for help thing after all.

Thank you so much all, see you tomorrow and sleep tight.

Weeza

Hi Untoxicated!
I see I made a typo earlier when writing out your name
to call you "unintoxicated" -- well...... first off............
some good advice passed my way is that everyday ask
yourself "what gifts have I rejected from God today?"

From what I'm reading, and being part of the Hollywood
scene, not many celebrities would give their time of day
to reply to a drunk's mother, let alone call from a foreign
country while on location or offer to cover rehab expenses...

Know what I think??? It's a gift and you're not taking it...
why reject it? It's being thrown right at you!

Maybe there's way more deeper stuff going on in your soul
than you realize and maybe divine intervention is working
its way into your life... if you've not been able to make
sobriety stick through the AA route alone, there's no harm
in taking the celebrity's offer to throw you a bone... you can
always return the favor or pay it forward. Maybe it's what
you need right now.... and why not? You don't have to make
a request for time off from work, so why not let this be an
opportunity for a new beginning and turn that schedule at the
rehab into a 9-5 deal with room and board. I'm all for it.

Your girlfriend might not be but if you spring back like the man
she fell in love with in the beginning, it'll be money in the bank
for a wholesome lifelong future. Besides, most rehabs do AA
anyways... this will just be more intensive care and it sounds
like you need a break... maybe it's the humility part of it that
is creating hesitation or feeling like you'll later be indebted
to the other drunk's charity.... hey, listen.... do you know how
many celebrities I've listened to who have living amends to make
and some times they encounter roadblocks themselves and can't
get to fulfilling their 9th step directly so must go through an
indirect route by paying it forward? i've done it before, too...

count your blessings.... go talk it over with your mother again...
maybe rehab's a good card for you. you won't know unless you
try, and if it slips by, you might wonder down the road What If
That Road Not Taken Was The Road I Was Meant To Follow?

in between, men who cry are tough....... read Robert Bly's
IRON JOHN.

proud of you,

weeza

December15

A big hand of applause to SuperFly. Shows that you can make it big and glitzy but not lose your humanity.

least

I've relapsed more times than I remember, but am trying again. Glad you're back on the wagon too.

littlefish

Lots of people in AA have also done rehab, and in fact it is how they have started out on the road to sobriety. I went to hear an AA speaker last Friday and she mentioned going to rehab....get ready for this....at least 20 times.
She is sober for 19 years now. It can happen.

Untoxicated

Thanks again all for being there and just sharing your thoughts/experiences - there is no working Thanks button but I do want to thank all who have/will have posted. I read and contemplate the meaning of everything - I'm a thinker which is probably what gets me into more trouble than not with alcohol). I was pre-med in undergrad yet my accidentally favorite course was Philosophy 101 and I have my bookshelf in my home office filled with the works of ancient and modern day philosophers. You know that saying, "your strengths lie dangerously close to your weaknesses." Long story short, just a few blurbs from people and I see a whole lot more than just literal meaning.

Well, true to my word I'm not allowed anymore pity party - and I'm afraid the poor mes, like Elvis, have left the building.

So this is my plan while I have the time...
1. Find an AA meeting, I already have one in mind because of them all it was my favorite. Do the work (read the BB, get a sponsor, etc.)
2. Workout (before alcohol and self-pity said hello all too often I was an amateur bodybuilder...now I feel like a professional Chubby McChubberson)
3. Eat Healthy
4. Learn Learn Learn - Learn how to create and market an e-commerce business as a priority, but also learn all the things I've been meaning to
5. Action Action Action - Make sure I follow through with this list
6. Stop all actions that aren't productive or don't push me in the right direction (no more video games, no more arguing with people on forums thinking I'm changing the world, and no more hanging out with friends that tell me I don't have a problem with alcohol, etc.)
7. Get back in touch with God and start having FAITH which I heard somewhere is BELIEF + TRUST, and I have fallen off the wagon with both really.
8. Write a letter or call Superfly to thank SF for the opportunity, it's the least I can do.
9. Count my blessings not the Jay-Z "I got 99 problems" way either Continue to see what I do have, not what I don't
10. This slot is open because if I need to add more later this one will be open.

Weeza,
Thank you for your well thought out replies and no worries about the typo, I make them all the time - somewhere in my post I used "it's" when "its" was appropriate (and "do" should have been "due".) This is one site where the grammar police are actually more afraid of the convicts...but more realistically just more tolerant. Mainly I think worrying about spelling on a site like this is like worrying why the owner of a house on fire painted it purple.

I do hear what you're saying about rehab, went there once for five days because that's all my insurance would cover at the time and I was told I had great insurance. For me, going to rehab made things worse - the rehab I went to was supposed to be the best in the area but during those five days I...

1. Was approached for sex
2. Heard others were having sex (13 stepping I think it's called)
3. Saw multiple people having seizures, vomiting, and being just plain nasty to one another.
4. Did actually hear some good lectures, in fact one lecturer on addiction is world renown and considered an authority. While most, if not all of the residents were either put to sleep or didn't understand him (he was using big words and complex theories) I was fascinated by him, his conclusions were amazing. I diligently took notes and got some jabs from others (in a fun way) that I was treating it too much like school. He drew charts that looked like an instruction manual for the space shuttle - but if you took the time to understand them, they were masterpieces.
5. Pulled a roach out of my bed - no big deal I'm not above that I was raised with humble beginnings - neither parents went to college dad was a factory worker laid off several times and mom was a telephone operator but they provided me the means to one day make well into the six figures range...*sigh* those were the days.
6. Saw people kicked out for leaving the facility for buying beer and coming back as if nothing happened, saw people arrested for having their SOs bring them heroin on site.
7. I saw teenagers, one girl I remember vividly was 18 or 19 and she could have been a Victoria's Secret model, but due to her heroin use looked like she was within and inch of her life...and she thought it was funny that she had to be there. She was only there because mommy and daddy gave her an ultimatum. The next day she checked herself out.
8. In group, a guy was cutting imaginary cocaine with his id and rolling a dollar bill to snort the imaginary cocaine - he was delusional and it wasn't a little unsettling.

I guess, other than that one guy's lectures, I found rehab did much more harm to me than it did good...it was a real zoo. And this was supposed to be the best in the area - it wasn't free, rather quite expensive. It didn't help that most people there weren't there because they wanted to be, but because they were court ordered to be. Sobriety, IMO, is best maintained by those that want it, not by those who have other people that want it for them. I am still considering rehab but still have a bad taste in my mouth about it too.

Thank you for the book suggestion, it got good reviews on Amazon.com and appears to have created quite a controversy (my kind of book hahaha).

Stay classy SR!

Untoxicated - Day Two

keithj

Untoxicated,

So, why did you drink? You may have had a pretty good idea that you'd be filled with remorse and regret after drinking, but you did it anyway. Why do you suppose that is?

I found that time and time again, my best intentions were not sufficient. My sound reasoning and good ideas were easily pushed aside in favor of the drink. I coul not recall them with sufficient force, to borrow a few Big Book phrases.

Put in that light, with a knowledgable sponsor who knew the BB, I could see my problem in a new way. And understanding that problem, that I was an alcoholic according to the BB description, also led me to a solution.

That's a good move. Changed my life in ways I can't even describe. However, I think the miracle happens when the action is taken. Find somebody in the rooms that carries a BB and speaks of a spiritual solution. That is the person who can show you how to have your own experience with the Steps, and with a power of your understanding.

Untoxicated

Most likely to ease my uncomfortable feeling with who I have become and to take a break from the hardships of life.

Most likely so I could have an excuse to feel sorry for myself the next day and have an excuse not to be productive or take action.

Truth be told, if I knew EXACTLY why I drink - I could work on fixing that so I wouldn't drink...so I guess my simple answer is, "I don't know why I drank."

keithj

Untoxicated,

So, try reading the descriptions on BB pages 23 and 37 and see if any of that rings true for you.

I sufferred for a long time under the delusion that if I could just get the things in my life sorted out that were causing me to drink, then I wouldn't have to drink any more. And so I tried ever harder to force those things to be like I thought they should be. And I got ever more miserable. Then pages 60-63 started to make some sense to me as well.

Untoxicated

Thank you for the recommendation, my hard copy of the BB is at my gf's house but I think there are plenty of online versions. I plan to read the BB front to back, it's on my list above.

Thanks again, glad to hear you beat this thing - I feel so close at times yet so far away.

rockworm

I hope I am not being too bold, but I would also take a look at the first paragraph on page 44. It describes my condition in one short paragraph. In my case, I could not quit, even when in my heart I really wanted to. I also could not stop drinking once I took a drink. I suffered with the mental obsession as well as the physical craving.

Unintoxicated, I wish you the very best in your journey. It can be a struggle at times, but the program works.