Drank last night
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 3,095
Oh sure, rockworm. The concise definition of alcoholism. And the solution. If this be the case (probably alcoholic), then you may be suffering from a condition which only a spiritual experience will conquer.
And then Fred and Jim's story, jaywalker analogy, a few pages in Dr.'s opinion... Getting to relate to the BB is an experience in itself.
And then Fred and Jim's story, jaywalker analogy, a few pages in Dr.'s opinion... Getting to relate to the BB is an experience in itself.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 58
+1 And my experinece with the BB seems to change as time goes on. 
Originally Posted by keithj 
Oh sure, rockworm. The concise definition of alcoholism. And the solution. If this be the case (probably alcoholic), then you may be suffering from a condition which only a spiritual experience will conquer.
And then Fred and Jim's story, jaywalker analogy, a few pages in Dr.'s opinion... Getting to relate to the BB is an experience in itself.
And then Fred and Jim's story, jaywalker analogy, a few pages in Dr.'s opinion... Getting to relate to the BB is an experience in itself.
Eating protein and life.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Just. Plain. Grateful.
Posts: 503
Originally Posted by Sikkisirus
Onward and upward as they say - much strength to you Untoxicated 
I'm looking forward to the journey although I know there will be rough times ahead. This site, put in a better way, all of you are a blessing to me.
I feel more empowered knowing I can come here to share my feelings and talk with those that have been down or are down my path.
If I'm allowed I'll make and effort to check in everyday and post my progression and/or my regression - just so I have an electronic journal of where I have been and where I want to go.
Thanks again - compassion and love are truly miracles in their own right.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 3,095
Originally Posted by biravatch65
Looks like you made the wrong choice.
Originally Posted by AA Big Book, 1st Ed.
Now these are commonplace observations on drinkers which we hear all the time. Back of them is a world of ignorance and misunderstanding. We see that these expressions refer to people whose reactions are very different from ours.
Eating protein and life.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Just. Plain. Grateful.
Posts: 503
Thanks you two for the support.
Keith,
Yep, I'm in a fragile stage in my recovery and people who aren't part of my solution...
I have to keep my sobriety and anything that could potentially threaten it under lock and key.
I loved that BB quote by the way, I can tell I am going to really going to enjoy that read. It seems there are very situational quotes abound from it.
Weeza,
You make a good point and who knows I may be headed to rehab in a future update. I did have a bad experience but do have an open mind - one bad apple doesn't spoil the bunch IMO when it comes to recovery.
Keith,
Yep, I'm in a fragile stage in my recovery and people who aren't part of my solution...
I have to keep my sobriety and anything that could potentially threaten it under lock and key.
I loved that BB quote by the way, I can tell I am going to really going to enjoy that read. It seems there are very situational quotes abound from it.
Weeza,
You make a good point and who knows I may be headed to rehab in a future update. I did have a bad experience but do have an open mind - one bad apple doesn't spoil the bunch IMO when it comes to recovery.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 117
yeah
and you know what? Sometime groups can even be messed up... but, groups can change because members leave while new come in and bring it on back to what the message of recovery is all about... the same can happen for rehabs, too. There could be a new director or a clampdown on the passed bad behavior so new policies set into place.
I had an experience with one local group that's within walking distance to my home and as it so happened, I had to stop going to meetings for three months after I had my baby via c-section that had complications. When I returned to the meeting with my infant in the stroller, an old timer with same number of years yelled out to me that I didn't belong there because I was a dry drunk and hiding behind the excuse of being a new mother. It really hurt but it gave me an excuse to not go back to the one meeting I needed, so I stayed away for five years. Really, I just should have gone back and asserted my right to remain in the group but I let a resentment get in the way and the only person it hurt really was myself in the end. I hope you never go through that. I could feel tempted to quit posting because of feeling personally attacked when told it was a choice to relapse, but I'm grateful your higher power is letting you know that you're valuable just as you are and you, too, are worthy of the same miracle we're all going for by staying sober, day by day. So....
Don't leave before the miracle!
I had an experience with one local group that's within walking distance to my home and as it so happened, I had to stop going to meetings for three months after I had my baby via c-section that had complications. When I returned to the meeting with my infant in the stroller, an old timer with same number of years yelled out to me that I didn't belong there because I was a dry drunk and hiding behind the excuse of being a new mother. It really hurt but it gave me an excuse to not go back to the one meeting I needed, so I stayed away for five years. Really, I just should have gone back and asserted my right to remain in the group but I let a resentment get in the way and the only person it hurt really was myself in the end. I hope you never go through that. I could feel tempted to quit posting because of feeling personally attacked when told it was a choice to relapse, but I'm grateful your higher power is letting you know that you're valuable just as you are and you, too, are worthy of the same miracle we're all going for by staying sober, day by day. So....
Don't leave before the miracle!
Eating protein and life.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Just. Plain. Grateful.
Posts: 503
Originally Posted by Weeza
and you know what? Sometime groups can even be messed up... but, groups can change because members leave while new come in and bring it on back to what the message of recovery is all about... the same can happen for rehabs, too. There could be a new director or a clampdown on the passed bad behavior so new policies set into place.
I had an experience with one local group that's within walking distance to my home and as it so happened, I had to stop going to meetings for three months after I had my baby via c-section that had complications. When I returned to the meeting with my infant in the stroller, an old timer with same number of years yelled out to me that I didn't belong there because I was a dry drunk and hiding behind the excuse of being a new mother. It really hurt but it gave me an excuse to not go back to the one meeting I needed, so I stayed away for five years. Really, I just should have gone back and asserted my right to remain in the group but I let a resentment get in the way and the only person it hurt really was myself in the end. I hope you never go through that. I could feel tempted to quit posting because of feeling personally attacked when told it was a choice to relapse, but I'm grateful your higher power is letting you know that you're valuable just as you are and you, too, are worthy of the same miracle we're all going for by staying sober, day by day. So....
Don't leave before the miracle!
I had an experience with one local group that's within walking distance to my home and as it so happened, I had to stop going to meetings for three months after I had my baby via c-section that had complications. When I returned to the meeting with my infant in the stroller, an old timer with same number of years yelled out to me that I didn't belong there because I was a dry drunk and hiding behind the excuse of being a new mother. It really hurt but it gave me an excuse to not go back to the one meeting I needed, so I stayed away for five years. Really, I just should have gone back and asserted my right to remain in the group but I let a resentment get in the way and the only person it hurt really was myself in the end. I hope you never go through that. I could feel tempted to quit posting because of feeling personally attacked when told it was a choice to relapse, but I'm grateful your higher power is letting you know that you're valuable just as you are and you, too, are worthy of the same miracle we're all going for by staying sober, day by day. So....
Don't leave before the miracle!
People are people and some here are sick, some more than others, and some used to be sick but have found the strength through AA, themselves, and/or the multitude of other systems out there to get and stay sober. I refuse to let the bad attitude of one person spill into my life. I'm a little disappointed someone else didn't stick up for you but I guess that was the way things were supposed to play out for you...a life lesson that you learned and were able to pass on to me and the others reading - so thank you!
No real news to report today I guess, other than I'm still sober which is great. I'm going to the gym today - I think I finally feel well enough to go back to the gym and knock some weights around. My girlfriend is off work until next year so that will be a HUGE help to have some company during the day - I really got lucky with her, she is very supportive (has a friend that is an alcoholic) so she already knew the drill - no getting BS past her. Hahaha.
I was searching YouTube for the "Iced-Tea" substitute from the other thread and besides coming up with search results of combining tea with beer and how to make tea look like beer, I found some programs established by individuals that had less and less steps than 12 steps. Don't get me wrong, I'm not bashing them because they may work and I don't even know all the 12 steps yet but all I could think in my head was that quote in Something About Mary..."You walk into a video store, you see 8-Minute Abs sittin' there, there's 7-Minute Abs right beside it. Which one are you gonna pick, man?"
Grateful for another day.
Untoxicated - Day 3
Eating protein and life.
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Just. Plain. Grateful.
Posts: 503
Day Four
Hit the gym yesterday and plan on doing so today - it felt great to get back to it after about a year or two of even stepping foot in it (but paying for it monthy - what a waste).
Thinking is clearing up a bit I've been reading that book my dad gave me which took the first half of the book to really get rolling but now I can see why he wanted me to read it.
There were several powerful messages that resonated with me but this one probably hit me the hardest.
"The world isn't against you...you are against you. You have to realize that no one is meant to carry the load alone. We're all in this together. Once you realize that you can ask for help, your whole world will change." - The Christmas Sweater by GB
I've been a "social lone wolf" all my life. I've always excelled at everything I've ever tried - I loved being around people but hated asking for help (perhaps why I don't ask SF for help), but then as I got older, life became tougher and I still tried to do everything myself - it didn't work out so well, so instead of asking for help I drank. A few nights turned into four years and instead of learning to ask for help I learned how to feel sorry for myself and resent the world and those offering help.
Yesterday I did have a breakthrough moment, the despair of creating a future for myself once again lifted and I found hope once again - a hope I haven't felt since I was in college years ago. I also realized, paradoxically, that I can get all the help in the world from people, but this sobriety thing really is up to just me - no one can go this road for me.
I've got a lot of learning left to do in this life...
As Red said in The Shawshank Redemption, "Get busy livin' or get busy dyin'."
Day 4 - Untoxicated
Hit the gym yesterday and plan on doing so today - it felt great to get back to it after about a year or two of even stepping foot in it (but paying for it monthy - what a waste).
Thinking is clearing up a bit I've been reading that book my dad gave me which took the first half of the book to really get rolling but now I can see why he wanted me to read it.
There were several powerful messages that resonated with me but this one probably hit me the hardest.
"The world isn't against you...you are against you. You have to realize that no one is meant to carry the load alone. We're all in this together. Once you realize that you can ask for help, your whole world will change." - The Christmas Sweater by GB
I've been a "social lone wolf" all my life. I've always excelled at everything I've ever tried - I loved being around people but hated asking for help (perhaps why I don't ask SF for help), but then as I got older, life became tougher and I still tried to do everything myself - it didn't work out so well, so instead of asking for help I drank. A few nights turned into four years and instead of learning to ask for help I learned how to feel sorry for myself and resent the world and those offering help.
Yesterday I did have a breakthrough moment, the despair of creating a future for myself once again lifted and I found hope once again - a hope I haven't felt since I was in college years ago. I also realized, paradoxically, that I can get all the help in the world from people, but this sobriety thing really is up to just me - no one can go this road for me.
I've got a lot of learning left to do in this life...
As Red said in The Shawshank Redemption, "Get busy livin' or get busy dyin'."
Day 4 - Untoxicated
Eating protein and life.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Just. Plain. Grateful.
Posts: 503
Man yesterday was rough for some reason. I dealt with a ton of depression and pulled myself to the gym but that really didn't alleviate my depression. Today is much better but I just can't figure out why I was so depressed.
For those that don't know I quit my Zoloft cold turkey (NOT recommended) on 9/25 (almost three months ago) and that may have something to do with it. I was on it for about 4 years (coincidentally during my 4 year drinking problems). I have also quit all activities that I considered cross-addictive behaviors or that would trigger me to drink (video games, arguing with usernames on internet boards, etc.) so left with just my past decisions and idle time I actually have to both think AND feel about the destruction I've done to myself and the lives of others.
Maybe feeling this bad right now is good, meaning maybe this time I "get it."
I haven't had a single desire to drink, ZERO. My head has been so filled with WTF moments about my past 4 years and how I could have been so selfish, stupid, and reckless that I haven't had time to think about alcohol. At least I'm on the right path now, and although I hate to admit it, it's the path I was always meant to be on I suppose.
I did have a dream last night that I had about 1/4 of a beer and my girlfriend was with me and she didn't seem to mind (TOTALLY not like her) but I had a serious problem with that 1/4 of beer that I drank because it meant I drank again. What a nice feeling to wake up and realize it was a dream, and what a nice feeling to know that my subconscious must be aligned with my conscious.
Day 5
For those that don't know I quit my Zoloft cold turkey (NOT recommended) on 9/25 (almost three months ago) and that may have something to do with it. I was on it for about 4 years (coincidentally during my 4 year drinking problems). I have also quit all activities that I considered cross-addictive behaviors or that would trigger me to drink (video games, arguing with usernames on internet boards, etc.) so left with just my past decisions and idle time I actually have to both think AND feel about the destruction I've done to myself and the lives of others.
Maybe feeling this bad right now is good, meaning maybe this time I "get it."
I haven't had a single desire to drink, ZERO. My head has been so filled with WTF moments about my past 4 years and how I could have been so selfish, stupid, and reckless that I haven't had time to think about alcohol. At least I'm on the right path now, and although I hate to admit it, it's the path I was always meant to be on I suppose.
I did have a dream last night that I had about 1/4 of a beer and my girlfriend was with me and she didn't seem to mind (TOTALLY not like her) but I had a serious problem with that 1/4 of beer that I drank because it meant I drank again. What a nice feeling to wake up and realize it was a dream, and what a nice feeling to know that my subconscious must be aligned with my conscious.
Day 5
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Pittsburgh PA
Posts: 32
Those dreams will become less common as time goes by. My suggestion on the BB. Read the first 164 pages over and over and over and over until they become engrained in your psyche. Once your comfortable with that move on to the rest.
Eating protein and life.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Just. Plain. Grateful.
Posts: 503
Originally Posted by Cornbrosia
Those dreams will become less common as time goes by. My suggestion on the BB. Read the first 164 pages over and over and over and over until they become engrained in your psyche. Once your comfortable with that move on to the rest.
Yeah Cornbrosia,
I just finished The Christmas Sweater book that my dad had given me as my Christmas card this year and he and I talked about it and had a few choked up moments together on the phone about it. It's a great little story that really hit home for what I'm going through right now. I came up with the idea that we should send each other books instead of cards for Christmas and that would give us a reason to talk more.
I'm planning on starting the BB today but I am a bit nervous - I'm nervous that all the ideas of alcohol will cause me to want to drink, but as long as I keep my sobriety as my priority I should be fine.
Day 6
...and still no cravings for alcohol...I've cut out all behaviors I found either triggering and/or counter-productive and have found myself replacing them with productive ones (working out - haven't missed a day, taking care of everyday chores, BEING there with my friends and family). I think some of the depression I had experienced in the last few days my have been from the the outlet withdrawals (alcohol and video games made for a deadly "check out of reality" combination - and I haven't done either for 6 days today)...perhaps some subconscious manifestion of not gettting that "check out of reality" vacation in the form of depression.
Whatever it is, I feel great today - going out to get some chores done with the gf and then going to the gym. I've spent the past few nights either reading or watching Christmas shows like Christmas Vaction or A Christmas Carol that remind me of my childhood and how much I've changed my attitude since then. This really is a great time of the year to get sober for me and for the first time in years I'll be sad to see Christmas go (and that's a good thing).
Wishing everyone well,
Untoxicated
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Glad to know you are enjoying your new path
Merry Christmas to you and yours
Heard this at my noon AA meeting.... 
Merry Christmas to you and yours
Heard this at my noon AA meeting....
Your Christmas feeling can last all year in AA recovery
Eating protein and life.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Just. Plain. Grateful.
Posts: 503
Originally Posted by CarolD
Glad to know you are enjoying your new path
Merry Christmas to you and yours
Heard this at my noon AA meeting....
Merry Christmas to you and yours
Heard this at my noon AA meeting....
Day 7...
A week ago today I was drinking a 12 pack of Bud and washing it down with Southern Comfort when I wasn't getting the buzz fast enough and playing video games.
I can't believe it's only been a week. I feel as if I've learned more about myself and my life in the past week than I have in the past four years. I have been more productive in the past week than in the past four months.
It's amazing what happens when you finally allow your eyes to be open at the same time as your heart. I suppose, like they say, change occurs when the pain of changing is less than the pain of staying the same. This past week has been an absolute whirlwind of emotions both good and bad but I feel some real progression has been made rather than regression or at the very best an arrested development.
I've done quite a bit of reading, working-out, praying, and thinking and it has been nice to get to know myself again. I had forgotten who I was, the emotions that made me "me" were erased or muffled by alcohol and Zoloft. Caring for myself and others is a double edge sword right now - it brings both intense pleasure and intense pain, but to feel and care again is more than worth it.
It has only been a week but it seems like I've learned a year's worth of information in that time frame. I can't imagine what people with 90 days, 1 year, or even more have uncovered and discovered about themselves and life.
I'm shooting for 30 days so this completes 1/4 of my way there. (I'm actually trying for 90 but I'm using bit sized pieces - ODAAT as they say).
My mom told me that she cried last night over me but for the first time in four years, fostered tears of joy because she was in an almost disbelief that, "it was finally happening."
This week I've learned:
1. The path to sobriety is the most desolate and crowded road out there.
2. Feeling sorry for myself is a waste of time, but more importantly a waste of my potential as a person.
3. It can get better, and there is hope.
4. I don't know about Alcoholism, but I'm pretty sure happiness is a choice - I choose to be happy.
5. Alcohol is a corrupt politician...it promises escape, happiness, and confidence and delivers imprisonment, pain, and insecurity.
6. ...that I've still got so much to learn.
Wishing everyone Happy, Safe, and Sober Holidays!
Untoxicated
Its time for bed
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Undisclosed Location
Posts: 343
Originally Posted by Untoxicated
This week I've learned:
1. The path to sobriety is the most desolate and crowded road out there.
2. Feeling sorry for myself is a waste of time, but more importantly a waste of my potential as a person.
3. It can get better, and there is hope.
4. I don't know about Alcoholism, but I'm pretty sure happiness is a choice - I choose to be happy.
5. Alcohol is a corrupt politician...it promises escape, happiness, and confidence and delivers imprisonment, pain, and insecurity.
6. ...that I've still got so much to learn.
Wishing everyone Happy, Safe, and Sober Holidays!
Untoxicated
Great list! Lately I've been comparing our investment in sobriety to investing in the stock market... some days are up, some are down. But a wise investor knows its wise to ride out the storm because patience brings rewards.
Eating protein and life.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Just. Plain. Grateful.
Posts: 503
Originally Posted by c49999
Great list! Lately I've been comparing our investment in sobriety to investing in the stock market... some days are up, some are down. But a wise investor knows its wise to ride out the storm because patience brings rewards.
YouTube - Frank Sinatra - That's Life
Stardatelog 12232009
I found out today that my Aunt, who has stage 4 cancer and has been battling if for the last year, is now being treated for the cancer that has spread to her brain.
I found out that my retired and mischievous father is finding a new way to make money...Ebay, he has an old-fashioned mentality so when he sold an item and the person dropped and broke the item asked for a refund he declined. Now this person is making threats against my father (although I did get a chuckle out of some of his responses to some of these mo-mos).
I found out that life doesn't care if you are sober or drunk - it keeps on truckin'. If you don't care if you are sober or drunk you're hosed.
I was looking for a word to describe how I've been feeling but couldn't quite nail it...it was bitter sweet but yesterday it came to me...VULNERABLE. I feel naked and exposed but I also feel FREE. Like a dry square piece of clay that has gotten thrown into a bucket of water - things are foreign, cold, and unforgiving but now I can be molded into the shape that I was meant to take on.
This is the first thought that didn't start with "I."
That's life.
Day 8
Untoxicated
Eating protein and life.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Just. Plain. Grateful.
Posts: 503
Merry Christmas Eve!
I hope all are able to enjoy each other's company and wisdom over the next few days. Ringing in the New Year sober is my number one priority and so far so good. Haven't had one craving and I honestly can't tell you why (other than I've stopped all the behaviors I associated with drinking).
Hydration is becoming my new favorite activity. I find the more hydrated I am the better my mood and outlook on life is. (Fitness and nutritional supplements are up there too - Day 7 for working out completed!)
I've started networking with previous co-workers and friends getting the feelers ready for the 2010 job search. Spoke with my gf's friend that has 7 days of sobriety today (she had 9 months through AA until April of this year and lost 48 lbs.) My productivity is higher than I can remember - chores don't even feel like chores anymore, rather just a chance to improve something in my life or the lives of others.
It feels great to be "present" in my life again...best Christmas "present" I've ever given my family, friends, and myself.
Why in the heck did I wait this long to get sober???
Day 9
Untoxicated
I hope all are able to enjoy each other's company and wisdom over the next few days. Ringing in the New Year sober is my number one priority and so far so good. Haven't had one craving and I honestly can't tell you why (other than I've stopped all the behaviors I associated with drinking).
Hydration is becoming my new favorite activity. I find the more hydrated I am the better my mood and outlook on life is. (Fitness and nutritional supplements are up there too - Day 7 for working out completed!)
I've started networking with previous co-workers and friends getting the feelers ready for the 2010 job search. Spoke with my gf's friend that has 7 days of sobriety today (she had 9 months through AA until April of this year and lost 48 lbs.) My productivity is higher than I can remember - chores don't even feel like chores anymore, rather just a chance to improve something in my life or the lives of others.
It feels great to be "present" in my life again...best Christmas "present" I've ever given my family, friends, and myself.
Why in the heck did I wait this long to get sober???
Day 9
Untoxicated
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