Recovered1

Basically, my life is in a shambles. I've spent the past week in a drinking binge and an absolutely crazy codependent mire (holding steady and sober today). Now I am to make me #1. I do not know how to do this. I have never been #1. I hate the drinking, I hate the smoking. I have spent this entire friggin year battling this along with several DSM 1V diagnoses. Now I am to be tested for ADHD but I don't know what I did with the referral piece of paper with the phone numbers. ADHD would explain a lot.

In the course of one week I've realized I have to detach from one of two friends here. So I am detaching. This morning I got dumped by friend #2 for the same reason I suppose I am having to detach from friend #1 - I am not healthy for this person, even though she has her own drinking issue. The least she could have done was to send me an email saying she couldn't make our plans today, but I digress. Apparently I do not even merit a proper cancellation. Giant loser here.

I am considering ANOTHER shot at AA, as it is widely available. However, there is a problem here. I do not believe in the program. I think the Big Book as it was written for the time was appropos. The fundamental principles still hold mostly true, or should I say the slogans like First Things First, Take It Easy, A Day at a Time. That is where it pretty much stops for me. So if I go to AA I am not going to fit in I am thinking. I will be honest and say I don't want to do the program, I just want to meet people, but somehow I think this won't go over well and could backfire on me horribly. Is it possible I can find people there who will accept me as I am? I am happy the program works for so many, but I am only interested in getting to know fellow strugglers.

I go to a great Women for Sobriety group but it only meets once a week, it's far away, and everyone lives far away. I've tried SMART and may again, but again, meetings few and far between and far away. AA is very close to me and since I don't like to drive, it would seem the logical choice.

At times I think I will never conquer these demons. Still, I cannot give up. I hate that my whole life has been ruled by addictions and mental health issues.
On the bright side, I have a roof over my head, a great education, I am not broke, etc. On what I will call the "yet side," there are DUIs to be had (never had one, not that I haven't deserved plenty), hospitalizations to be had, the psych ward to be had and probably a couple of things I am not thinking of. I don't want to die of this stuff and I include my smoking up there on the list with the drinking. Both shorten life spans. I realize I have a lousy prognosis what with both the alcohol and psychiatric stuff going on, but I still cannot give up the fight. Yes, I do have a lot of insight into my condition which is both good and bad. I will add my house is a disaster and I cannot get myself to even make a stab at it. Maybe someone has some thoughts as to what to tackle first, as everything is coming at me in my head at the same time. I rarely leave the house and have taken to wearing what I call my "uniform" 24/7. Showers? Pfft. They are for people who have to leave their house. I am really trying to NOT go get a bottle of wine today. And now I am really rambling.

Anyway, I'd post this in newcomers but I realize I am writing a mini-novel so I figured best I post here. And I apologize for the length of this, but there is so much in my head it is ready to explode. Thanks for reading and letting me share.

Taking5

If the fundamental principles of AA are mostly true, then whats the heck is the problem? Are you looking for the perfect program, the holy grail so to speak? Any reason why a damn good program won't do for now?

You can still use SMART and WFS - lots of people use multiple ways of staying sober. And you can still look for that perfect program if you want.

chrisinaustin

I'm sure you know this on some level, but the "slogans" of AA are not even remotely the fundamental principles of AA. If you do attend a few meetings, you will meet people who will show how the actual principles can be applied to change your life in a way that is not archaic and real to your modern reality today

I wish you the best in whatever you do.

Recovered1

The problem is I will only be going there for friends. The slogans are great, but I won't be doing any steps or getting a sponsor. I am thinking the people there won't like me as I am not going to do the program. If I am going only for friends and people shun me for my beliefs, I won't be making any friends and that is the whole reason I'd go there. I am not looking for perfection, just some friends along the way as we share a common bond in addiction. Is it possible I can find people like me who will support me even though I do not want to do the program? I am not saying AA is not a good program. I am saying I want to go there for the people aspect only. Thanks.

Recovered1

Ok, my bad. I was thinking the slogans were the fundamental principles of AA. Yes, I know the program. They say take what you need and leave the rest, right? So I only want the slogans and the people. I am just looking for acceptance for who I am and friends. I found that many years ago. I just don't know if I could find it now. Thanks for your best wishes.

CarolD

Action....you do need direction and action.

first....get yourself feeling better by showering ..wash your hair...
eat some oatmeal or fruit Drink gatorade and water is excelent.

Then....don't get complicated Out the dorr into an AA meeting.
You know you can find support there.

The house mess? Start in your bathroom...it's small and easy
to scrub. Clean the kitchen next.

Put on some happy music...turn off the cell ... begin to
start fresh ....and Yes! you too can change!

Recovered1

Thanks, I was thinking along the lines of taking a shower (will be the first since Tuesday), cleaning the bathroom, paying one bill and then looking for the soonest women's meeting within driving distance. I hope no one expects much of me there. I don't want to start off on the wrong foot. I suppose I can just keep my mouth shut and sit in the back. I suppose I can cough up the words, I am an alcoholic (hate labels) if it means I can get some phone numbers. At this point in my life I don't want to be around men in AA - period. I have had very bad experiences with men in AA - six so far - three money situations, one broken rib situation, one 13th step situation and one psycho criminal situation wherein the cops were called to my place). I am going to have to find women's meetings in my area and go to them.

endzoner

Keep nailed it on the head .. what do you have to loose ? apparently how you have been doing it hasnt worked , Its time to change the I only want this that and the other thinkin .. you want what we got which is recovery fro the demons of the drink .
It is true take what you want and leave the rest , its up to you to apply and us what you think can work for you , after 6 yrs in the progam I dont use the entire book to keep me sober . Ive taken bits and pieces that I can appy to MY program . were all differant and all work it a lil differant . the one thing that connects us is the desire to get/stay sober .. sure we hope to make friends in those rooms but thats not the main reason we go there , its to share our experiences .
Best wishes that you find recovery and relize that its a great journey if you work it !!

Recovered1

Well, as I mentioned above, I have had negative experiences associated with AA. However, as long as I only go to women's meetings I'll be safe. This much I know to be true. It took me the LONGEST time to get the message - stick with the women. So this is what I'll do. I am glad you have found a way to take bits and pieces. This is what I will do too. I won't do the steps, I won't get a sponsor. I won't take chips. I won't count time. I will be honest about who I am and see where the chips fall. I will take what I need and leave the rest and if someone questions this, I will just say I am taking what I need and leaving the rest. My life depends on it. If someone is going to not like me for this, ok. I'll just deal with it. I imagine there might be ONE woman who sees things like I do there.

debs

I know *I* see things like you do, Recovered1...

I hate labels, too, and I hate the fact that you're *pushed* so hard to 'work steps', 'get a sponsor', etc.

These are the very things that sort of keep me out of those meetings.

Then again, my method hasn't been very successful. Too bad we're not neighbors! .. lol

I like what keepcominback had to say, 'Our best drinking gets us drunk.'

There's so, so much truth in that statement.

Good luck and I do hope everything works out for the best for you.

Recovered1

(((Debs))), I wish we were neighbors too! We could help each other as women who want to be sober and have a better life!

Yes, I have had bad things happen to me via AA. However, I may well be out of options at this point in 2009. I may just have to ONLY go to women's groups and just be me. If you're out there feeling as you do, there must be other women out there feeling as we do. We just have to find them! It's a numbers game maybe. Put yourself around enough people in AA (and I stick to women) and certainly good things CAN happen! Here is wishing you the best as well!

Ninsuna

You made me smile with this one, I can relate. So I can say from experience that isolating yourself is not going to do you any good and that getting out in a safe and controlled way would be a good idea.
You could make a plan to shower, show up early, make yourself available to talk to and go home, if you have done nothing else all day you will have made a plan and followed through.
Why not just start by saying you're new and there to listen? Is it necessary to declare your intentions? We all come in with different ideas about what we want from a recovery program, or no idea, just that we want the pain to stop. I think your instinct to find other women in recovery to be around face to face is a good one.

fragrantrose

Dear Recovered1
I too have felt "burnt" after experiences in AA especially a painful 13th stepper one I mainly suffer from depression so am too idealistic and hence deflated, use this as excuse and then justify my drinking but AA is just a bunch of people "having a go" there is no spiritual utopia or perfection.
LOVE PAGE 449 IN BB I should read it 3 x daily to sear it into my forgetting brain!
kind regards from Julia

fragrantrose

BB Page 449 - 452!

Recovered1

Thanks, I did not get around to the shower today (I'm having another crisis - a friend of mine an alcoholic is MIA), but I will tomorrow morning! My Women for Sobriety meeting is tomorrow and I am committed to going, whether I just throw on my "uniform" or what-have-you. And trust me, most likely it'll just be the uniform. No one cares what I look like there anyway. What matters is showing up. Next week I can spiffy up I figure.

Excellent Idea! I will say this! It isn't necessary to declare my intentions at all. Yes, yes, and yes.

Sugah

And 417-420, if you're reading a 4th edition...

Peace & Love,
Sugah

debs

*ahem*

I believe what I meant was ... our best 'THINKING' gets us drunk...


My bad!

meditation

Hmmm maybe I have ADHD. I can't seem to de-clutter my basement. Every time I go down there to work on it it overwhelms me. Then I get my allergies stirred up and then I have to stop. It works my nerves.

When I first came onto SR I hated AA. I agreed to go because I was forced but I hated it and maybe I hated it because it was forced onto me. Court ordering and state ordering is not a good idea maybe.
So I posted in secular, I believed in God but not in AA. There really seemed no place on SR for me but I will say that after attending AA for the past 14 months I have started to like it. I've done the steps. I have lost sponsors and gained sponsors. I don't think you have to have a sponsor to be in AA. I think If I can go to AA and hate it for the first say 6 months and listen and make some friends that you too don't have to walk in and embrace it with your whole heart. In time parts of it start to feel better. I will never be a thumper or any kind of evangelist of "any" recovery program but here is the thing.......... in the past when I did something I did it 100% all out and in most every thing I did in this manner I burned out. So doing something slow and steady is really working for me. It is a different way of being and living. I don't have to be all and be the end all of AA or any program. I can just be me and hope to grow a bit each day in some way. I hope you can find a way. Keep posting and keep letting us know.
Oh and now I post everywhere in most of the main forums on this site, I don't allow myself to be pigeoned into a category cause I have bits of it all.

BadCompany

Alcoholics Anonymous is not a social organization and it is disrespectful to treat it as such.

Mark75

Hey BC...

Recovered1 seems to have had some negative experiences in AA... From what I can see, she is very resentful and I wouldn't expect her to treat it any other way.

Welcome to SR

Mark