debs

I hate, absolutely abhor having to come back here defeated, inferior...

I'd give anything to be able to come back to say that I've been sober and victorious...

But ... (not too surprisingly)... I've failed- yet again.

I hate it so much.

But why don't I learn from it?

I don't feel as if I have a right to even be here...

All of you have such wonderful stories of victory... and I'm the sore thumb that keeps f***ing up...

I'm not searching for compliments or anything like that.

I don't even know why I'm writing on here again. .

I'm shaky and miserable again.

AGAIN.

I reckon I deserve it, tho.

My kiddo doesn't.

I know that much.

I need prayer... I need something.

And ya know what the craziest thing is?

I'm hiding it desperately from the people I love the most.

And the people that desperately want to help me.

Go figure.

ANGELINA243

For what it is worth you haven't failed...you are here seeking help. Don't beat yourself up. I know I used to do that--be hard on myself until I realized the alcohol had already beaten me up enough. Keep reaching out. You are not alone. We do recover.

Dee74

Welcome back Debs

There's a LOT of people who struggle and post here - it's what we're about

Debs, I don't know what you have to do, but what you are doing isn't doing you much good.

And trying to hide it as well? you need to fight this with everything you have - for you and for your little guy.

If I was you I'd be honest with everyone, lay down your burden and ask for help.

If AA didn't cut it for you, look at other recovery programmes, look at rehabs, look at counselling...

I was once where you are, and I never thought I'd get out....but I had this tiny ember of hope that never went out...I tried and tried and tried....and here I am.

You can do this too, Debs. I know it.
D

SomethingBetter

Hi Debs, Don’t give up; keep “trying” on your list of things to do…

I have said I will not post again because of the same shames you have said, I don’t post on a regular basis because of my repeat failures but after posts like yours I just want to say your not alone.

I too don’t feel I have a right to be here, I still am not sure, I know how hard it is though, but keep trying…

My kids and my wife too are the easiest to hide it from, they know me best, but also I know them best…

Just keep the plan to quit, even if you are not sure when, tomorrow sounds good…

towhere

Sorry to see you feel defeated. But you know, I don't think everyone here can claim victory. And the ones that do certainly can't say they got it on the first try..

At least you are here and still realize there is progress to be made. Don't beat yourself up... it's a journey for sure. Keep working at it and you'll win...

Jules62

Hey there Deb,

You are not inferior.Not at all.You sound just like me almost 3 years ago.I tried and failed so many times and I felt so ashamed of myself.I kept thinking I was missing some piece of the puzzle that everyone else here had, for SO long.I felt like such a failure and it took a long time for me to realise that I am not-the simple truth is I'm an alcoholic and it's not about my willpower.Believe me-I tried a million times to get it right and it wasn't till I surrendered and gave up trying, that I started to move forward.I believe you can too.I know you can.

You are not defeated.You had the (immense) courage to come back and post and you know what?That says there is so much hope for you because you reached out regardless of how you're feeling and you were honest.That's the first (really big!) step.

I also hid it from those who cared about me most but I soon discovered they knew anyway(I just thought I was clever.At the end of it all-not so much) It's a common trait in alcoholics that we do this, that's why being honest is so important to our recovery.You're doing it here and it's something you should be proud of.

I honestly thought I was hopeless for a long time.I now have 7 months sober that I thought would be impossible for me to attain.It's taken me almost 3 years to get here though-trying and failing but I now know that if I can get here?You can too.As long as you keep trying?You're a winner not a loser.We do understand and we do care.Keep posting.Keep reaching out.There is so much help here for you


Thinking of you tonight,
Jules xox

Drk

Well, in a sense, each time you F-up, you feel terrible, so that proves you're getting ever closer to putting your foot down and changing your life for good.

BunnyLaRoo

I have to agree with those comments above. I have been having the same issues myself and I feel that if you didnt come back, that would be defeat. But you are back and you want to be sober and that is not defeat.

Welcome back.

yeahgr8

Its got nothing to do with being victorious or winning a battle etc!

You are sick and behaving like a sick person would that suffers with alcoholism! When you are ready you will seek and get the help you need...or not?!

here is a list of what i tried before finally getting into AA, feel free to try all or any, hope you have more luck than i did:

Rehab
Resonance Treatment
Addiction Counselling
General Counselling
Antabuse
Anti Depressants
Changing Career
Changing Location
Changing Drink
Changing hours of drinking
Changing venue of drinking
Exercising
Dieting
Losing friends
Cutting off family
Changing partner
Taking time out to get my head sorted
Stopping smoking
Reading self help books
Losing weight
Locking myself away
Not carrying any money
Living in Hotels, relocating after each big drink
Asking advice from the barman/taxi driver/random people

Good to see you back, stick around this time:-)

thirtybubba

You mostly sound like me...

I feel about the same way, watching people succeed all over the place, while I keep tripping and falling...

One day I'll get it... I have a problem with too much hope I think sometimes... and that's what I somehow manage to blame for my problems. If I didn't hope so much, none of this failure would matter...

You summed it up nicely, "Go figure."

Stay around and take care of yourself,
TB, trying once again

penny74

Don't be to hard on your self.
At least your trying to get up again.
Be safe.

tiburon88

Why be ashamed? You continue to drink & thats okay. Some people can never stop drinking. I hope u can find sobriety whatever that means.

tib

FBL

Debs, good to see you back here again. I don't know how many times I tried and failed over the past 30 years, too many to even count. In fact, if you would've asked me six months ago if I would ever stop, I'd have said "No way!" I guess I just finally realized that my way NEVER worked and I had to try something, ANYTHING, else. That day came on June 22 of this year. It's taken a lot of hard work and self-examination since then, but the results have been more than worth it. I'd say just by realizing you have a problem, that's a huge step in the right direction. Whatever you decide, we'll be here for you all the way!

TheSunAlsoRises

Hey welcome back debs... I have been where you were about 9 till 6 months ago I wanted to stop, I drank, I wanted to stop, I drank... X infinity

One day you will do it, keep reaching out... Take care of yourself

Clayton

Sikkisirus

Inferior?? Not at all. If everyone got sober first time without any trouble this site wouldn't exist. Keep wanting it Debs.

CarolD

Debs.....
It took me 4 years to finally quit drinking
after I decided to stop.
Regardless of external circumsances.....
I had to want to quit more than I wanted to drink.

Prayers coming your way as you begin to move forward

Mark75

Hey debs... good to see you back.

Mark

coffeenut

Most of us have been where you have been. I'm glad you're here.

debs

I guess what happened was I wanted to not really be an alcoholic. So I tried... a few times... to drink 'socially'... and hell, ya know what? There were days when I would STAY sober.. I'd not drink for several days at a time... but I'd always go back...

Then I'd have a binge session... sometimes two days, usually more like 5...

I had a wonderful time on Thanksgiving day.. I really did.. but alcohol was involved... then I ended up screaming and fighting with my brother and walked home... about a 10 mile walk... at midnight..

I just wanted to prove that I was normal...

My oldest brother is in town this week because he's having major marital problems... I feel like 'who am I to have issues'... when he's in so much pain...

I so badly wish I could just go with him to have a beer.. but I can't.. I can't stop there..

I want a bottle of vodka right now...soooooo bad... at 9am..

But my face is completely swollen and I'm at the end of my rope..

Luckily, they don't sell liquor on Sundays in Texas.

I guess that's lucky.

I just wish I could have fun with my 2 brothers and precious sister in law... go out and have a few... laugh it up...

But I can't.

My two brothers went out and got hammered the other night... I saw them the next day... they were laughing about how they were so drunk they couldn't even stand up right...

The next question came from the middle brother, 'Did you drink like two gallons of water first thing this morning?' he asked my oldest brother.

'Nah, I was fine,' he replied...

All the time I'm thinking, 'Are you KIDDIN'?? I'd be drinkin up whatever I had to make that hangover go away. Screw being miserable. I'd fix that. Give me more drink.

I know that no one ever said life would be fair. But dammnit we got handed an unfair hand.

Sugah

I felt that way, and it kept me drinking and drugging for a long time. It wasn't fair that others could party and have a good time when I couldn't. Thing was, many of "them" could have a good time with no ill consequences, and I couldn't. My "good time" almost always resulted in something just like you described on Thanksgiving - or worse.

It hit me at some point that me playing the unfair card and claiming my right to do as others did was even more unfair to those around me. My kids, my partner, my parents, the friends I dogged at 4am when I got the alcoholic phone-dialing obsession. My insistence that I get my "fair" due was extraordinarily selfish. Unfortunately, I had to hurt a lot of people I never wanted to hurt for that realization to matter much.

You know where you can find help, debs. Is it time?

Peace & Love,
Sugah