tiburon88

I truely want to stop eventually but right now things are just too hectic. Harm reduction model is the best that I can do right now. Of course I realize that I won't qualify for those AA chips and cakes that everyone knows I crave. Love me or hate me at least I'm honest. Drinking a six pack a night has not caused me any negative consequences yet so I'll continue to do it. I don't blackout, get into fights, vomit, urinate in my pants ect.... I feel my progress to sobriety is going in the right direction. The people that will disagree with me are probably hard line AA folks. Of course I no longer even recognize AA as a recovery group anymore.

tiburon

LosingmyMisery

No, not a hard line AAer, just a fellow alcoholic who knows how the disease, or whatever the word you prefer, works. Stick to your six pack if you can, but what you are doing is deadly and the combination can and will kill you. Some day they may have a cure in pill form. I hope you can live that long to see the day. Until then, there are only certain options. You choose moderation so it seems. Sorry, but denial kills and you my friend are in it deep.

McGowdog

You've been around for a long long time on SR. Since 2006, so it doesn't look to me like you deserve any special grace.

I'm really sick and p!$$ed off that you get away with bashing the A.A. program in here time and time again.

If it was up to me, your posts would be removed from here whenever you bash A.A. because I can make a good case that A.A. is the best hope for alcoholics who think they might be done drinking and want to quit for good and all.

Bamboozle

Going sober will make things less hectic.



tib, I don't encourage people to moderate. For those with an addiction it does not work.

Find something that works for you. Instead of focusing on what it is you're not doing, focus on what you are doing.

If you want to stop the madness you have to put the substances down.

SCRedhead

Tib,
I just read all these entries and I gotta' say: These people (me included) really care and we are trying our best to get you to help yourself! I believe Tazman got it right-you have got to find a program (any program) and do the work. Maybe you just haven't really "hit your bottom", maybe you don't care if you live or die, maybe you don't believe you could die --very soon--I don't know the answer but I sure wish I did.
Instead, I'll just say a prayer for you and hope that knowing all of us care for you and about you will maybe help you.

blefuscu

That's just an excuse tbh. Maybe things are so hectic because you are an addict and not in control of your life anymore.

Excuse me if I am wrong, I am new here, new to sobriety and new to AA too (I don't think I am a hard liner tbh) but I am wondering how much of your posts are for attention.

Look tibs, if you wanted to quit the pills and the drink you could, but you don't want to. That is the end of the story.

KillaBri

First off Blefuscu, that avatar is awesome. Shearer was a wizard with the ball at his feet.

Tib I see a lot of myself from about 2 years ago in you. For the record, I'm 26.

Even you admit that you are not 100% sure that you want to stop. I had to cross the bridge from this point to come to a very important place. I realized that continuing to do what I was doing was going to kill me, and that each and every day I had to be willing to do WHATEVER it took to not get blasted. Once I came to that conclusion, I had to begin to come up with ways to fight the cravings that inevitably came. For a time, each and every single night I was fighting a tense battle with myself as to whether or not I was going to pick that first beer up. It was not a battle that I always won, Tib. There were nights that despite everything I did, I still picked up a beer. I didn't always drink to excess, but the horrible feelings that I felt from breaking a promise to myself were there whether I had 1 beer or 10.

Eventually I began to learn from those failures, which is the place where I find myself today. I am by no means recovered, and I know very well how easy it is for me to fall right back into the same Hell I found myself in for nearly 5 years. What I do have, Tib, is the knowledge that every single day the most important thing for me is to not drink. It isn't always perfect. Just last Saturday I got drunk watching a soccer game at a bar with friends. I have not touched a drink since that point. Eventually, weeks will turn into months and those will turn into years. I know this because I am willing to put in all the hard work that is required to get to that point. My life is more important to me than any bottle.

I believe that you are entertaining the idea of stopping, but you aren't ready to make the leap to commit to it wholly. Nobody can bring you there except you. When you are ready to go there, you will find the incredible loving people of this forum ready to help you with open arms.

Tazman53

As Dee pointed out you suffer pain not due to any stigma, you suffer pain because the booze and the pills are more important to you.

I am an alcoholic, if I had the exact same problem you have right now and went to the exact same doctor SOBER he would have prescribed the meds I need because I no longer put drinking in front of everything else in my life.

Tib think about this one, you love to drink and drug more then anything right now, if there was a magical pill that cured alcoholism what would you honestly do?

You would probably at this point in time take the pill, declare your self cured, grab a 12 pack and a bottle of pills and get messed up!

One thing I have found in sobriety is that good things come to people who are willing to work for them.

Is simply taking a pill working for something?

Tib I have a very strong feeling you know AA will work for you, that is why you keep going back, that is why you keep griping about those people in AA, those damn sober bastards that are willing to do the work you are not willing to do!

In reality you are probably mad at your self and taking it out on the people who have what you want and you are not willing YET to do the work to get it.

I beleive there are 2 invisible lines in alcoholism, I crossed one, I crossed that line of becoming physically addicted to alcohol, I drank when I did not want to drink. I drank when I could not get drunk, I drank when I could not even get a buzz, I drank just to feel normal, not high.

In order for me to stop at this point I had to actually see my future slow and painful death from alcoholism, have you seen this yet?

The second line I beleive is a point of no return, the point where an alcoholic will drink until death or they become wet brains and can no longer function as a human being but live as vegetables.

Tib have you crossed that first invisible line?

Have you crossed that second line, have you seen for a certainity your future slow and painful death if you continue to drink and just said to your self "Ah to hell with it, I don't care!".

I know one man who did cross that line and he has found recovery, but at a heavy price, he is in the EARLY stages of wet brain, even though he has not had a single drink or drug in three or 4 years, he talks like he is drunk, he walks like he is drunk, his brain is really damaged, but he is happy in his sobriety. He has to live in a group home along with the mentally handicapped, because he is incapable of totally taking care of himself.

BTW Tib when I first got sober I did go to a ton of meetings, in early sobriety I needed them, I know try and go to 3 meetings a week not only to recharge my own batteries, but also to pass on what was passed on to me.

Getting sober in AA is not to where one goes to meetings all the time. Getting sober in AA is to where one can live life on lifes terms sober and happy being sober. Some of us choose to go to a meeting every night, many of us do not.

I did not get sober to go to meetings! I got sober in order to live life which is exactly what I do. I have no idea if next year I may only go to 2 meetings a week, I may decide to go to 4. There are folks who get sober in AA and after a few years never go to another meeting and stay sober because they continue to apply and practice the steps to thier lifes on a daily basis.

Heck last year we had an old timer with over 20 years sober show up with a new comer in tow that I had never seen before. I spoke to him after the meeting and he said his life had gotten so busy that he rarely attended meeting any more, but he continued to carry the message and hold out the hand of AA and this guy needed a ride to meetings and he made sure he took him. The old timer told me he wished he had more time in his life to attend meetings, but life is life.

Emimily

he's such a pot stirrer... hahaha... i wonder if he just sits back and watches all of us fuss and coo and encourage and point out experience, and i bet he reads this and just laughs. online forums are so funny that way, we (wait wait - I) get all caught up with someone i don't know at all, who i will probably never meet, and i just assume they give a spit because they're posting at all...

y'all. he doesn't care. he doesn't care! i bet you anything that he thinks this is a riot, just stir up a mess and step back... almost sociopathic, but not quite. but i'm done, as of now. i think rob got it right - tiburon, if any of this is true, you're probably going to die before you get sober, and that's too bad. i sure hope this works out for you, man.

keep on truckin!

McGowdog

It's the blatant and utter A.A. bashing that upsets me... and that it goes on in here unabated.

Try bashing some other... any other recovery program in here besides A.A. and see how far you go.

CarolD

Recovery is all about what changes a person is willing to make.

tiburon you were sober before...several times since you joined SR.
Then you decided to drink again....
regardless of all of us who have shared with you.

I certainly hope you will get the professional assistance you
need to live. All my best

tiburon88

Everything I have posted has been nothing but the truth. I suffer negative opinions of me simply because I have a different view of things. I've been a member here at SR for longer than many of you guys that verbally attack me. Would I really waste 3 years of my life "trolling" around a forum? Give me a break guys.
I am proud of cutting my alcohol intake down. I only bother posting because I usually get 1 or 2 PM's that give me support. My experience with AA is my experience & I will not sugar coat the experience. If you don't like my posts don't read them it's really quite simple. I know I have many members on ignore. I'm celebrating 1 week of drinking a 6 pack a night. I think I will bake my own cake to celebrate. The one thing that I have finally learned is that AA or other alcoholics do not determine whether I am a success or not. Only I can determine that. I know I'm going in the right direction.

Mr. Tiburon

123bubblegum123

Tib,

It's cathartic for me to read your post because I acted and thought identically to how you are thinking and acting! I felt pills were healthier and because they were prescribed to me, they were legal and open to use whenever/however! Unfortunately, I also enjoyed the way alcohol would allow the pills to kick in faster and act stronger..

Fast forward to 18+ overdoses in 7 years and a lot of embarrassment/loss of relationships/internal struggles.

I also abused clonazepam (kpins) and other benzos along with opiates (oxy's) along with alcohol, and so you know, the mixing of alcohol with any form of prescription medication is the deadliest combination, eventually you will overdose and there's (at least) an 85% chance you'll die. I've had my stomache pumped countless times over the years. Trust me, it's not all it's cracked up to be..

Please keep posting and please private message me to keep in touch if you need support.

Hugs & support,
Rachel

yeahgr8

So basically it's your doctor's fault you are hooked on benzos and AA's fault that you are drinking?!

Wishing you some luck:-)

pino

I think that as long as you are making an effort to cut back then you are at least on the right track forward. I hope that you cut back on pills too though. Wishing you all the best. I'm not a part of AA and i've never tried it, but I find online support help enough for me right now. Just keep motivated to stop, and I think it's a good idea that you have some people on ignore that are negative.

aasharon90

Sharing one's own experiences,
strengths and hopes with drugs
or alcohol is a positive form of
support and helping another in
recovery.

When we sit in outide meetings
we dont bash or critisize someone
who is still drinking or using. We
listen to them if they share what's
going on with them and we reply
with a positive and encouraging
feedback.

We dont want to scare someone
away who is seeking help but
we would rather offer them
suggestions and guidance thru
their journey.

We plant the seed of recovery
in them thru our ESH and hope
the willingness to grasp it is theirs
for the chosing.

tiburon88

I believe AA made me feel more of a failure than I already do. So in a way, yes AA increased my drinking. My doctor knows that I'm an addict but prescribed an addicting benzo anyway? Where is my responsibility in all this? I'm not sure as I suffer from a chronic disease. I suffer two actually alcoholism and bi-polar.
Of course no one on SR has EVER inquired as to how my mental illness situation is going. I suffered mental illness BEFORE I ever picked up a drink. I guess I really am terminally unique.

Mr. Tiburon

Rowan

I'm an addict, and my doc knows that and she prescribed benzos. When I accepted those pills, it became MY responsibility to take them responsibly. I chose not to. Finger pointing is never the answer. You want to get sober, Tib? Start taking responsibility for yourself and for your actions. This isn't about AA or your doctor or anyone else. It's about YOU.

You're only as terminally unique as you think you are.

Mark75

Oh, I told myself to stay out of this one...

IMHO this is exactly the sticking point for some over the idea of alcoholism as a disease... "I have a disease, I cannot help it, Someone fix me!!" Further exacerbated by the 1st step powerlessness thing...

You can find the power... Desire and rigorous honesty is what you need.

Take responsibility. Find a doctor that understands bipolar and addiction. As far as the 6 pack thing goes... enjoy, I guess.

Mark

FightingIrish

If you ask a group of alcoholics who have stopped drinking what they think about an alcoholic trying to moderate, what do you suppose they are going to say? I can only speak for myself, but moderating and mixing booze with pills did not work for me. If you are looking for someone to tell you that it worked for them, perhaps there's another forum for that somewhere.