Do you feel any remorse?
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Do you feel any remorse?
After 10 months of breaking up with an active alcoholic I still find my pain unbearable for the most part.
There are better days than others and sometimes I amaze myself as to how I am able to distract myself or dettach - given we work together, are almost neighbors and I always run into him and his new girlfriend. But for the most part and lately, my stomach is in pieces again. I have been on antidepressants (probably will be back on them again), have panic and anxiety attacks... I had none of those problems before knowing alcoholism in a "loved one".
I am just shocked as to how he could go from Jekyll to Hyde in such a short time.
How can you be someone's love and best friend one moment and the next week being treated like dirt?
He had another live-in girlfriend in a matter of days. She is a hard drinker too. I guess there lies my answer?
I felt what we had was meaningless. From one day to the other I was invisible.
I tend to believe everything was a lie. I just do not want to remember him at all. The pain overwhelms all the good things, I would just like to erase him altogether and imagine it was all a nightmare.
Do any of you feel remorse about the partner you hurt while active? Honestly it seems there is no remorse, quite the contrary, the partner is happy you are no longer "nagging".
I recall in one of the parties no one gave a damn he went out of the party almost crawling while he was going to drive home in an already dangerous highway. I was the only one who gave a damn about his well being. I overheard he calls me "The Enemy" now.
How can something like this not hurt? I do not think he will ever notice I was among the few who truly cared. In our last conversation he said he would drink until the very last day of his life. What can one say to something like this? I told him not to talk to me ever again. I know I am better off now and my apartment is empty and silent but at least there is no drunk insulting me in the wee hours of the night. And I wonder where my friend and boyfriend went and who the hell is this stranger?
There are better days than others and sometimes I amaze myself as to how I am able to distract myself or dettach - given we work together, are almost neighbors and I always run into him and his new girlfriend. But for the most part and lately, my stomach is in pieces again. I have been on antidepressants (probably will be back on them again), have panic and anxiety attacks... I had none of those problems before knowing alcoholism in a "loved one".
I am just shocked as to how he could go from Jekyll to Hyde in such a short time.
How can you be someone's love and best friend one moment and the next week being treated like dirt?
He had another live-in girlfriend in a matter of days. She is a hard drinker too. I guess there lies my answer?
I felt what we had was meaningless. From one day to the other I was invisible.
I tend to believe everything was a lie. I just do not want to remember him at all. The pain overwhelms all the good things, I would just like to erase him altogether and imagine it was all a nightmare.
Do any of you feel remorse about the partner you hurt while active? Honestly it seems there is no remorse, quite the contrary, the partner is happy you are no longer "nagging".
I recall in one of the parties no one gave a damn he went out of the party almost crawling while he was going to drive home in an already dangerous highway. I was the only one who gave a damn about his well being. I overheard he calls me "The Enemy" now.
How can something like this not hurt? I do not think he will ever notice I was among the few who truly cared. In our last conversation he said he would drink until the very last day of his life. What can one say to something like this? I told him not to talk to me ever again. I know I am better off now and my apartment is empty and silent but at least there is no drunk insulting me in the wee hours of the night. And I wonder where my friend and boyfriend went and who the hell is this stranger?
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Originally Posted by TakingCharge999 
Do any of you feel remorse about the partner you hurt while active?
The remorse, regret, shame, and sorrow I felt for the first two years of my sobriety was crushing and painful, it was hard to look my friends and my children in the eye and feel that everything was my fault. Two weeks sober I was in a mental hospital from all the anxiety, two weeks after that I was lying on a mattress in a bare apartment, 4 months later I wanted to end my life. I cared, I really did, but at that point I felt like I'd been cast off and forgotten.
I think many of us have different experiences, I have no doubt that if we'd divorced and I continued drinking I would've shacked up with the first victim/hostage that fell into my trap and I would've started referring to my ex as the blankety-blank enemy and badmouthing her all over town. But that wasn't the case for me, I walked into AA and began the slow, painful, but freeing process of working on my defects and learning to let go of the past.
But sometimes I ask the same questions that you're asking. What happened to my best friend and love, and who is that stranger? What happened to the woman who greeted me with a 6-pack of beer on our first date, and was my drinking partner until our kids were born. Where did the mother of our children go, and who's this woman who started sleeping with her co-workers because she felt that I didn't love her, so she sought love in the arms of someone else? How could this person promise to love me forever and grow old together, then boot me out of our home and move her lover in a month later? And when I went into recovery, why was it too late, and why did she tell me she wanted someone in her life that she could share a bottle of wine with?
I'm sorry that you're hurt. I wish there was a way we could take away all the pain we've caused and the harm we've done, but the best I can do is to stay sober and practice the principles that AA teaches me. Yes, you're better off now, and so am I. So I have to ask, what are you doing for yourself? There's a much better life ahead of you. I hope you discover a way to reach out and grab ahold of it, you're in for the ride of your life in recovery.
Sending you (((hugs))) and compassion.
Scott
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TakingCharge, I know you meant your question for the alcoholics, but I like to think of my ex that...there is the him that I love buried deep down inside, and he's under the spell of some horrible demon. It's got a death grip on him. He's become like one of those lab rats they dispel cocaine to...you know, the ones who push the button to get the drug at all costs. They will stop eating, they will stop doing everything eventually to get the drug. Sad to say, but, that's him, only it's alcohol doing this.
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There are two seperate issues here. The first being remorse for our actions while we are still drinking. The second issue would be feeling remorse for our actions after we have stopped drinking.
In the first instance alcoholics usually don't feel remorse for their actions while drinking,
and often are angry at others for threatening their drinking. Hence, we lie, deceive, obfuscate, and all manner of mean and nasty behaviors. We exist to drink. Our lives revolve around alcohol. Relationships are meaningless as we use people without caring about them.
If we are fortunate to achieve some sobriety then we are forced to recognize the harm we've done to others while drinking. In AA there are several steps that deal specifically with this matter. After admitting our moral failings, we have to list those we had harmed and make amends to such people whenever possible. It's not an easy thing to do, believe me. But when we recognize the harm we've caused others, it's absolutely essential that we do it.
In the relationship you've described, you're dealing with an active alcoholic and have seen up close and personal how damaging such a relationship can be. You feel pain and rightly so. I also sense you may feel some regrets that you didn't see him for what he was and may be blaming yourself for part of this. Please don't. You were used and thrown away when you no longer served any purpose to this guy.
He said he's going to drink until he dies. If he continues to drink, this will become a self fulfilling prophesy. He will die from alcoholism, and a lot sooner than he thinks. You're feeling hurt and confused. Please don't. You're one of the luckiest people in the world to be rid of this moron. Where did your friend and boyfriend go? They never existed. This stranger has always been there, you just finally saw through the facade. You've learned a hard but valuable lesson here. From the pain you've experienced you'll become a stronger woman. There's a whole new happy world out there waiting for you to rejoin it. Go for it.
In the first instance alcoholics usually don't feel remorse for their actions while drinking,
and often are angry at others for threatening their drinking. Hence, we lie, deceive, obfuscate, and all manner of mean and nasty behaviors. We exist to drink. Our lives revolve around alcohol. Relationships are meaningless as we use people without caring about them.
If we are fortunate to achieve some sobriety then we are forced to recognize the harm we've done to others while drinking. In AA there are several steps that deal specifically with this matter. After admitting our moral failings, we have to list those we had harmed and make amends to such people whenever possible. It's not an easy thing to do, believe me. But when we recognize the harm we've caused others, it's absolutely essential that we do it.
In the relationship you've described, you're dealing with an active alcoholic and have seen up close and personal how damaging such a relationship can be. You feel pain and rightly so. I also sense you may feel some regrets that you didn't see him for what he was and may be blaming yourself for part of this. Please don't. You were used and thrown away when you no longer served any purpose to this guy.
He said he's going to drink until he dies. If he continues to drink, this will become a self fulfilling prophesy. He will die from alcoholism, and a lot sooner than he thinks. You're feeling hurt and confused. Please don't. You're one of the luckiest people in the world to be rid of this moron. Where did your friend and boyfriend go? They never existed. This stranger has always been there, you just finally saw through the facade. You've learned a hard but valuable lesson here. From the pain you've experienced you'll become a stronger woman. There's a whole new happy world out there waiting for you to rejoin it. Go for it.
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Join Date: Nov 2008
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Thanks all for responding.
I have in online Al anon as the meetings are too early and I can't go due to my job... I have lived in the FF forum since last year.
I am going to a counselor and she thinks I got everything going for me and should forgive him and myself. Right now I am just starting to feel my anger, I do not think I am close to "moving on" just yet...
I have read a lot about alcoholism and I know I will never understand his words and actions... wow, incredible how I thought I knew him...
You are right in that, perhaps its not that he was "nice" then his alcoholism progressed.. perhaps he was already a bad person and just put on a mask for me to be there, drink with him, drive when he was not able to even walk and make drinking alright.
Sad to see I was on that role...
As soon as I realized he had a problem I left, with all the pain in my heart.. I thought codependents were the ones who stayed with them, whoever now that I write I realize I am still "with him" even if its only in my mind.
I did not want to believe I was used but I guess I have to face it and perhaps it will be less painful..... wow, what a show, all the promises and stuff. Hard to believe nothing was real.
Its hard when you break up and you do not even want to have the good memories of the past with you.
I am reading Codie No more... I guess its true, right now there is no remorse in this guy, hard pill to swallow knowing I turned to be an obstacle for him. In therapy I imagine I bury the guy I knew.. its so hard to say goodbye to this.. perhaps it was all a fantasy, yet it all seemed so real. I just wonder if this guy knew all the time what he was doing or was just acting subconsciously. I don't know, I just find it hard to believe he was manipulative from the start. It kills me to think all that time he was not sincere... and at the same time its a relief in a weird way, to know he was already troubled from Day 1 and I had nothing to do with his progression.
Thanks a lot.. you really helped me today.
I have in online Al anon as the meetings are too early and I can't go due to my job... I have lived in the FF forum since last year.
I am going to a counselor and she thinks I got everything going for me and should forgive him and myself. Right now I am just starting to feel my anger, I do not think I am close to "moving on" just yet...
I have read a lot about alcoholism and I know I will never understand his words and actions... wow, incredible how I thought I knew him...
You are right in that, perhaps its not that he was "nice" then his alcoholism progressed.. perhaps he was already a bad person and just put on a mask for me to be there, drink with him, drive when he was not able to even walk and make drinking alright.
Sad to see I was on that role...
As soon as I realized he had a problem I left, with all the pain in my heart.. I thought codependents were the ones who stayed with them, whoever now that I write I realize I am still "with him" even if its only in my mind.
I did not want to believe I was used but I guess I have to face it and perhaps it will be less painful..... wow, what a show, all the promises and stuff. Hard to believe nothing was real.
Its hard when you break up and you do not even want to have the good memories of the past with you.
I am reading Codie No more... I guess its true, right now there is no remorse in this guy, hard pill to swallow knowing I turned to be an obstacle for him. In therapy I imagine I bury the guy I knew.. its so hard to say goodbye to this.. perhaps it was all a fantasy, yet it all seemed so real. I just wonder if this guy knew all the time what he was doing or was just acting subconsciously. I don't know, I just find it hard to believe he was manipulative from the start. It kills me to think all that time he was not sincere... and at the same time its a relief in a weird way, to know he was already troubled from Day 1 and I had nothing to do with his progression.
Thanks a lot.. you really helped me today.
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You might find more helpful resources here Welcome to Co-Dependents Anonymous World Fellowship Even this alkie knows how much a weekly CoDA meeting improves my life 
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Love does not last forever... oh I know, the hard part here is knowing there was not love, just addiction. From how he started verbally abusing and treating me I have slowly and painfully realized he never loved me, no one can love a person then act in that way.
I no longer drink, at least something good came out from this madness
I no longer drink, at least something good came out from this madness
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hello.i cried many a crocodile tear when i was still perfoming,but it was all to do with how things would affect me,,i was sorry but too self obsessed to really mean it.i was very sick and therefore incapable of any true remorse or any true feelings at all for that matter.i can only make restitution properly now i am sober and working a programme.i am truly sorry for the things i have done and my amends carry weight these days.unfortunalty when someone is in active alcoholism they do much damage and until they start getting well then there is not alot that can be done,,,you say ex?? he has moved on and found himself the perfect partner,,ie a drinking buddy,,why waste anymore time? just my tpw,,take care of yourself.
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TC, if you don't already have it, please get a copy of Melody Beattie's "The Language Of Letting Go". Daily meditations for just about every characteristic of codependency and more, and an index to steer us to the topic we need for the day.
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I no longer drink either but am just starting to face that I was sick, too, to get into my rel'ship with my ex, and then to stay for 2 yrs, off and on.
I was addicted to him like he is addicted to alcohol.
You're on the path of healing, whether it feels like it or not. Looking at all of this, as painful as it is, is good for you and will help you make better choices in the future. That's what I hope for myself, as well.
I was addicted to him like he is addicted to alcohol.
You're on the path of healing, whether it feels like it or not. Looking at all of this, as painful as it is, is good for you and will help you make better choices in the future. That's what I hope for myself, as well.
Originally Posted by TakingCharge999
Love does not last forever... oh I know, the hard part here is knowing there was not love, just addiction. From how he started verbally abusing and treating me I have slowly and painfully realized he never loved me, no one can love a person then act in that way.
I no longer drink, at least something good came out from this madness
I no longer drink, at least something good came out from this madness
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charmian, ouch, that hurt but i guess its true. He once claimed he wanted someone who truly understood him , I think he got what he wanted huh. Why I am still obsessed with someone like that is a mystery, guess I am really troubled.
I usually run into them when we drive home, hard not to feel bad watching them "drive into the sunset'. Sheesh. Right now its very rainy, the other day when I crossed the street I always run into them I imagined the only thing missing is foir him to speed off and splash me LOL.
I just spent a week away from this and it helped me a lot to be away. guess this is all much worse as his "new happy life" is constantly rubbed to my nose.
I just need to remember the verbal abuse and the lies, otherwise I will be fooled for the Nth time thinking she got "my nice guy". This is all so damn twisted, instead of psychiatrist I need an exorcism!
I am having a lot of problems stopping the story where we broke up. I have considered moving but this is a good job and I am not giving it up because of him... guess I have to swallow my bad choices and start being grateful for leaving an abusive person.
I usually run into them when we drive home, hard not to feel bad watching them "drive into the sunset'. Sheesh. Right now its very rainy, the other day when I crossed the street I always run into them I imagined the only thing missing is foir him to speed off and splash me LOL.
I just spent a week away from this and it helped me a lot to be away. guess this is all much worse as his "new happy life" is constantly rubbed to my nose.
I just need to remember the verbal abuse and the lies, otherwise I will be fooled for the Nth time thinking she got "my nice guy". This is all so damn twisted, instead of psychiatrist I need an exorcism!
I am having a lot of problems stopping the story where we broke up. I have considered moving but this is a good job and I am not giving it up because of him... guess I have to swallow my bad choices and start being grateful for leaving an abusive person.
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It has hurt me when ppl have said he "moved on" already. For me moving on is stopping your tracks and mourning and learning. Not drinking yourself numb.
But whatever.. why should that matter now, right,...
But whatever.. why should that matter now, right,...
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This thread made me remember how like after a week of the breakup he came to work with the same clothes, huge smile, like someone who did not sleep home... wow, never felt more invisible than that day.
I guess codieness comes when you start defining yourself according to how others see you, and as alcoholics will never ever SEE you its a perfect recipe for hurt and disaster.
Exorcism hotline anyone? LOL.
I guess codieness comes when you start defining yourself according to how others see you, and as alcoholics will never ever SEE you its a perfect recipe for hurt and disaster.
Exorcism hotline anyone? LOL.
mergirl
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Originally Posted by Astro
TC, if you don't already have it, please get a copy of Melody Beattie's "The Language Of Letting Go". Daily meditations for just about every characteristic of codependency and more, and an index to steer us to the topic we need for the day.
I was both a drunk and the wife of one. I have to say, my regrets as far as my (ex) are concerned are more for the enabling I did. I don't know if he would be a healthier, better man today had I not covered for him and cleaned up his messes so many times, I just know he is an unhappy man at present who doesn't know how to do many things for himself, and that is because he never had too.
It also hurts to think that my adult daughter may have addiction issues herself, and that she grew up in a home with 2 hard core drinkers. I know my drinking had a negative impact on her life, and I am truly sorry for that.
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taking charge i apologise from the bottom of my heart if that hurt,i truly did not intend that.maybe i should have explained myself better.im a recovering alki and so i pretty much can guess what goes through this guys head half the time.when i said he had moved on i didnt expand on this,,he has moved on to someone who for now shares the same intrest that is overtaking his life,,it wont be love,we dont experience these true feelings when in the grip.only think we do and maybe find out when its too late what we had.i went from addict to addict to another alcoholic in my life,all to make me feel better about myself and my behaviour."they were worse" so console yourself with the fact that it is a good thing he let you go if you like.you are lucky to be set free from what will only be heartache.this new girlfriend and him will think they have hit the jackpot,it wont last as long as they both carry on the way they are.im with a man i met 6 yrs ago and thought i had won the lottery when i discovered he enjoyed the morning drink and it was just as normal to him as it was to me.we are still together now but believe you me this is only because we are both in recovery.we are the lucky ones.you have intelligence and lots of love by the sounds of it,,get to al anon and start moving forward.love yourself and then true love from someone that will be able to give you what you deserve will come along.my best wishes are with you and im truly sorry if i hurt you,,but the truth often hurts im afraid,,take care.
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TC I can't explain him, I can explain me, and others I have worked with over the years.
For myself, and many others I have known and know, while still in my addiction, I DID NOT know how to LOVE someone else. How could I, when I didn't love myself.
What I and others did, ............................. I didn't get a husband, boyfriend, SO, finance, whatever, I TOOK A HOSTAGE. And as long as that 'hostage' complied with my drinking and using, in my book, things were A-OK. When the 'relationship' stopped working for me ................................ I found another 'hostage', a drinking buddy, etc and again as long as 'my world of reality' stayed the same (I could drink and use when and where I wanted) it stayed A-OK. When it didn't on to another.
Now, is the time for you to work on you (your insides), look into why you were drawn to this type of person and why this type of person was drawn to you.
I have found over the years, that as I have changed "MY Insides" so have I changed the 'type' of person who is drawn to me and to whom I am drawn to.
Maybe some 'grief counseling' might help you also.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
For myself, and many others I have known and know, while still in my addiction, I DID NOT know how to LOVE someone else. How could I, when I didn't love myself.
What I and others did, ............................. I didn't get a husband, boyfriend, SO, finance, whatever, I TOOK A HOSTAGE. And as long as that 'hostage' complied with my drinking and using, in my book, things were A-OK. When the 'relationship' stopped working for me ................................ I found another 'hostage', a drinking buddy, etc and again as long as 'my world of reality' stayed the same (I could drink and use when and where I wanted) it stayed A-OK. When it didn't on to another.
Now, is the time for you to work on you (your insides), look into why you were drawn to this type of person and why this type of person was drawn to you.
I have found over the years, that as I have changed "MY Insides" so have I changed the 'type' of person who is drawn to me and to whom I am drawn to.
Maybe some 'grief counseling' might help you also.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
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TC maybe you can take some comfort in everyone's words...if he was unable to love you, what makes you think he loves this woman?
Here's how I feel right now..I don't NEED my exabf to feel remorseful. I really don't. As of this moment, I am letting go of the need for him to feel anything. I'm letting go of the need for him to DO anything. I'm just letting go of HIM. Period.
Here's how I feel right now..I don't NEED my exabf to feel remorseful. I really don't. As of this moment, I am letting go of the need for him to feel anything. I'm letting go of the need for him to DO anything. I'm just letting go of HIM. Period.
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