Um, wow what just happened?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 49
Um, wow what just happened?
Just short of three months sober today.
I am talking to a co-worker about html when out of no where I just want to get drunk. I mean BAD. All I could think about today is how to make it happen, and I didnt care what plans I had to cancel tomorrow morning and what lies I had to tell.
I cant take it. I went to the liquor store, and picked up a nice shiney bottle of vodka. While I was in there, all I could think about is how much I dreaded being back in there, and how much I did NOT miss it. Once I bought it, felt kind of like, wow- here is a second chance at drinking. Can I do it responsible? (I already know the answer to that one.. ) Once I got outside the liquor store, pure bliss I felt. Much like back in my drunken days where I was excited to get out of the liquor store because it had been the same person that rang up my alcohol the past 50 times, and I felt like I could feel their judging eyes on me.
Well, its out in my trunk right now. My mind is set on drinking and I know tonight is going to be my relapse. I guess wrecking my car, almost loosing my wife, and my own life isnt a big enough motivation. I risked loosing my driving privileges to work tonight so I could make a detour to the liquor store.
How did I go from not even thinking about getting drunk, to having a bottle of liqour in my trunk? This doesn't feel fair, but I am doing it to myself. I probably will be in the sober recovery room tonight crying like a toddler.
I am so pathetic.
sorrysorry
I am talking to a co-worker about html when out of no where I just want to get drunk. I mean BAD. All I could think about today is how to make it happen, and I didnt care what plans I had to cancel tomorrow morning and what lies I had to tell.
I cant take it. I went to the liquor store, and picked up a nice shiney bottle of vodka. While I was in there, all I could think about is how much I dreaded being back in there, and how much I did NOT miss it. Once I bought it, felt kind of like, wow- here is a second chance at drinking. Can I do it responsible? (I already know the answer to that one.. ) Once I got outside the liquor store, pure bliss I felt. Much like back in my drunken days where I was excited to get out of the liquor store because it had been the same person that rang up my alcohol the past 50 times, and I felt like I could feel their judging eyes on me.
Well, its out in my trunk right now. My mind is set on drinking and I know tonight is going to be my relapse. I guess wrecking my car, almost loosing my wife, and my own life isnt a big enough motivation. I risked loosing my driving privileges to work tonight so I could make a detour to the liquor store.
How did I go from not even thinking about getting drunk, to having a bottle of liqour in my trunk? This doesn't feel fair, but I am doing it to myself. I probably will be in the sober recovery room tonight crying like a toddler.
I am so pathetic.
sorrysorry
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Here, Now
Posts: 4,268
We're alcoholics, that's what we do. Of course, it's not what we have to do. Free will is not freedom. My hope for you, sobriety.
We are what we think.
All that we are arises with our thoughts.
With our thoughts, we make our world.—Buddha
We are what we think.
All that we are arises with our thoughts.
With our thoughts, we make our world.—Buddha
Disposable Hero
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Being, ME
Posts: 3,758
It is my greatest hope that you get to a meeting
tonight and tell someone there that you need help.
Trash the booze, ditch it, get rid of it, throw it away, dump it.
It might just be the deciding factor of whether you live or die.
Staying sober is possible as long as you don't take that first drink!
tonight and tell someone there that you need help.
Trash the booze, ditch it, get rid of it, throw it away, dump it.
It might just be the deciding factor of whether you live or die.
Staying sober is possible as long as you don't take that first drink!
Not all better, getting better
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: The Beautiful Inner Banks of NC
Posts: 1,702
Just 'cause you bought it doesn't mean you have to drink it. It's not too late to turn back. You posted here, which says to me that you are asking for help. Now it's time to help yourself.
If you can't make it to a meeting, why don't you pop into the chat room. There are a few folks in there who can maybe help talk you down. You can do this.
Take care.
If you can't make it to a meeting, why don't you pop into the chat room. There are a few folks in there who can maybe help talk you down. You can do this.
Take care.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 525
Don't think, just act.
Pour that out. Now. Don't think. Just destroy it. or it will destroy you.
it's just a feeling. A compulsion is a feeling. A wave of chemicals hits you. But it passes. It passes. Be your own master. Kill the devil that wants you dead.
Stay with us, who share your struggle.
Pour that out. Now. Don't think. Just destroy it. or it will destroy you.
it's just a feeling. A compulsion is a feeling. A wave of chemicals hits you. But it passes. It passes. Be your own master. Kill the devil that wants you dead.
Stay with us, who share your struggle.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: San Francisco, CA
Posts: 679
Please don't do it. Just make it until tomorrow at least. If it is still really bad, indulge tomorrow. Do anything you can not to drink today. Eat a pint of ice cream. Anything. Go to a meeting. Go to three. I know it can come on sudden and strange but surf it out if you can. You can make it. It gets easier.
To Thine Own Self Be True
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: So Cal
Posts: 1,946
Slather your hands with butter/oil; and then go pull it (without a bag around it) out of your trunk. Hopefully it will shatter all over the pavement. Cleaning up those pieces of glass is going to be much easier than trying to pick up the pieces of your life....
Tell you wife to go get it and get rid of it.
OUT YOURSELF f2f the way you have done here.
You can DO it!!!
You do not have to drink tonight. I feel so bad for you.
Tell you wife to go get it and get rid of it.
OUT YOURSELF f2f the way you have done here.
You can DO it!!!
You do not have to drink tonight. I feel so bad for you.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,279
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
We alcoholics do have the odd habit of setting ourselves up, don't we? I know exactly when that switch flipped in me and I was going to drink again. Nothing anyone said was going to change my mind. 4 years out the window!
I was blessed to make it back alive after 2 months of complete insanity. I hope you make it back too eventually.
I was blessed to make it back alive after 2 months of complete insanity. I hope you make it back too eventually.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,279
This also may be a good read before you crack the poison open \/
Originally Posted by SexyCeloryStick 
Ok, this is a long post; so really, God bless you for reading this (and I really mean God bless you with all of my heart)...
I was here about two years ago and I convinced myself that I am not an alcoholic. I was lying to myself, and I think everyone here knew it. (Good looking guy, low 20's... InstantNoodles)
I am every definition of an alcoholic. I hide drinks, others didn't know when I was drunk, I binge before going drinking, I blackout, drinking interferes with my work (heck, im taking the day off today because i feel horrible from last night), I drank every night for 2 flippin years, I do all sorts of things...
Now before I responded to a few other posts, I would feel like a hypocrite being a drunk as I am, not at least confessing to my past times myself. So here we go.
My poor wife, she had no idea I was even drunk the past 2 years, or she didn't want to believe it. I would do weird stuff like cook things, and put it in the sink for her, or ask her the same question 5 or 6 times in a single night. At the time, I was the single worst fiance ever.
On Dec 4th of 2008, after 2 years of binging almost every night, I "came to" on the bathroom floor with my new wife screaming and crying. She literally thought I had died on the bathroom floor (I have a heart condition) because I had my pants down and I was laying face down unresponsive. I think I was going to the bathroom and just literally passed out, my wife found me a couple minutes later. That night, after so many nights of wanting to tell her, it finally happened. I stumbled to the bed, sat up right, and she kept asking how I was feeling. I threw up, and as drunk as I was and what a blur that night was/is, I remember this one question. "What is wrong with you!?" I couldn't keep it in any longer, I needed to tell her. "I'm drunk" I told her back, and she asked why. I said "Because I'm an alcoholic" I spilled everything. About how I had liquor bottles in my car, how I used to drink in the car on the way home to be drunk by the time id be home w/o her knowing that id been drinking. Everything. I even called a friend who was a recovering alcoholic, and said please, take me to an AA meeting, because I was to afraid of going alone.
I woke up the following morning, and I remember from the previous day, drinking in the car on the way home from work, and I remember drinking little bit more then what I can handle so I can be "extra drunk". A little bit of that show Maury, and that was all. It was all a complete blackout until late that night, when my wife found me on the floor.
I wake up the next day feeling horrible, and knowing what I told her, I wanted to be as far away as possible from her as I could be. I get up as soon as I wake up at 6am or so, and stroll around the apartment. Every stash of alcohol, and every one of her own alcoholic drinks is gone. She had gotten rid of absolutely every alcoholic drink in our place, including her own, for me.
Now that is astonishing to be because she was 100% supportive (and maybe its me, but I could never throw alcohol away), but just wow, she was amazing. Later we talk a LITTLE bit, like questions of how are you feeling and what not.
I go to work. On my way I check my "secret" spots and they are all empty. She had gone out and cleared out my car after I confessed everything to her. God bless her...
I go to a meeting that night with my friend (who has been sober for over a year, and has landed a great job after sobering up), and my wife takes me and drops me off. I was thinking when I told her I was on my way to a first AA meeting, I was "THINKING" that she does not trust me (rightfully so), and wants to make sure she knows where I am going at this point (yes, my understanding and amazing wife). This *actually* upsets me on the inside, but I say nothing, I am in no position to say anything.
Long and short of it is, the meetings really do help. I was at two AA meetings, and the second one kind of offended me, but its complicated... (I swear ill be done soon)
The second meeting I introduce myself. "I am Seth, and I am trying to figure out if this is for me" Applause broke out, and as weird as it may be, it was inspiring to me. To me, they KNEW on the inside that they themselves have been there. But, later on in the meeting, one of the members will not let me leave until I introduce myself as an alcoholic, privately, to him. He was just trying to help, because he was trying to "save me" which he wins my respect with that. Although, introducing myself as an alcoholic felt so... I don't want to say wrong, but... I just didn't want to admit it. When I introduced myself as an alcoholic, even thought it was just to say it and not mean it, I felt as if that had cleansed me and I could take control of my drinking.
I was sober for 2 weeks before I started drinking again. My wife found my beer stash, and I (this is shameful) used my excuse when I was at an AA meeting, that when I introduced myself as an alcoholic I knew at that point that I had a "habit" not an addiction. She either believed me, or wanted to believe me...
So I did cut back on my drinking, but now, it is at a point where I know that she just doesn't trust me, and it is destroying our marriage. I simply just cant help it.
Seriously, AA is not for me (this is my stubborn side). Reason being- I don't want the stress of running into someone I know, and I don't like the fact that I have to go to a meeting and spend 2 hours of my life, EVERY NIGHT that I have some sort of thought of drinking.
Last night was the clinching moment when *NOW* I know I HAVE to take control of my drinking. I was out, drinking with some friends like I do every Wednesday, (which I once again binged before I went), I came home completely drunk.
Apparently I had stopped by a McDonald's and gotten some food to "sober up" I got a quarter pounder meal of some sort and this is my recollection of this morning. (I do not remember going to McDonald's)
I wake up this morning, in bed, and I do not see my on call phone (for work) nor cellphone. I walk out and try to find all my stuff. I cant find it, so I walk back into the bedroom, use my wife's phone to call my phone. So I find both the phones. As I am walking around, I see two empty water bottles that I have filled with tap water, along with a HUGE glass of water (one of those das boot glasses) that I had filled with tap water. So I know at this point I was bad the previous night.
My wife asks me this morning about why I was flushing a quarter pounder down the sink last night, and that she had pulled a lot of onions out of the drain. The sink is clogged, and I simply don't know what what the hell happened. I run to my car this morning because I couldn't find my wallet, and seriously, it looks like I had mutilated a hamburger all over the inside and outside of my car, it was everywhere.
Now is the time to step back, and say I'm done. I just don't know if I can do it again... Seriously, its taken an hour to type, so thank you for reading.
I was here about two years ago and I convinced myself that I am not an alcoholic. I was lying to myself, and I think everyone here knew it. (Good looking guy, low 20's... InstantNoodles)
I am every definition of an alcoholic. I hide drinks, others didn't know when I was drunk, I binge before going drinking, I blackout, drinking interferes with my work (heck, im taking the day off today because i feel horrible from last night), I drank every night for 2 flippin years, I do all sorts of things...
Now before I responded to a few other posts, I would feel like a hypocrite being a drunk as I am, not at least confessing to my past times myself. So here we go.
My poor wife, she had no idea I was even drunk the past 2 years, or she didn't want to believe it. I would do weird stuff like cook things, and put it in the sink for her, or ask her the same question 5 or 6 times in a single night. At the time, I was the single worst fiance ever.
On Dec 4th of 2008, after 2 years of binging almost every night, I "came to" on the bathroom floor with my new wife screaming and crying. She literally thought I had died on the bathroom floor (I have a heart condition) because I had my pants down and I was laying face down unresponsive. I think I was going to the bathroom and just literally passed out, my wife found me a couple minutes later. That night, after so many nights of wanting to tell her, it finally happened. I stumbled to the bed, sat up right, and she kept asking how I was feeling. I threw up, and as drunk as I was and what a blur that night was/is, I remember this one question. "What is wrong with you!?" I couldn't keep it in any longer, I needed to tell her. "I'm drunk" I told her back, and she asked why. I said "Because I'm an alcoholic" I spilled everything. About how I had liquor bottles in my car, how I used to drink in the car on the way home to be drunk by the time id be home w/o her knowing that id been drinking. Everything. I even called a friend who was a recovering alcoholic, and said please, take me to an AA meeting, because I was to afraid of going alone.
I woke up the following morning, and I remember from the previous day, drinking in the car on the way home from work, and I remember drinking little bit more then what I can handle so I can be "extra drunk". A little bit of that show Maury, and that was all. It was all a complete blackout until late that night, when my wife found me on the floor.
I wake up the next day feeling horrible, and knowing what I told her, I wanted to be as far away as possible from her as I could be. I get up as soon as I wake up at 6am or so, and stroll around the apartment. Every stash of alcohol, and every one of her own alcoholic drinks is gone. She had gotten rid of absolutely every alcoholic drink in our place, including her own, for me.
Now that is astonishing to be because she was 100% supportive (and maybe its me, but I could never throw alcohol away), but just wow, she was amazing. Later we talk a LITTLE bit, like questions of how are you feeling and what not.
I go to work. On my way I check my "secret" spots and they are all empty. She had gone out and cleared out my car after I confessed everything to her. God bless her...
I go to a meeting that night with my friend (who has been sober for over a year, and has landed a great job after sobering up), and my wife takes me and drops me off. I was thinking when I told her I was on my way to a first AA meeting, I was "THINKING" that she does not trust me (rightfully so), and wants to make sure she knows where I am going at this point (yes, my understanding and amazing wife). This *actually* upsets me on the inside, but I say nothing, I am in no position to say anything.
Long and short of it is, the meetings really do help. I was at two AA meetings, and the second one kind of offended me, but its complicated... (I swear ill be done soon)
The second meeting I introduce myself. "I am Seth, and I am trying to figure out if this is for me" Applause broke out, and as weird as it may be, it was inspiring to me. To me, they KNEW on the inside that they themselves have been there. But, later on in the meeting, one of the members will not let me leave until I introduce myself as an alcoholic, privately, to him. He was just trying to help, because he was trying to "save me" which he wins my respect with that. Although, introducing myself as an alcoholic felt so... I don't want to say wrong, but... I just didn't want to admit it. When I introduced myself as an alcoholic, even thought it was just to say it and not mean it, I felt as if that had cleansed me and I could take control of my drinking.
I was sober for 2 weeks before I started drinking again. My wife found my beer stash, and I (this is shameful) used my excuse when I was at an AA meeting, that when I introduced myself as an alcoholic I knew at that point that I had a "habit" not an addiction. She either believed me, or wanted to believe me...
So I did cut back on my drinking, but now, it is at a point where I know that she just doesn't trust me, and it is destroying our marriage. I simply just cant help it.
Seriously, AA is not for me (this is my stubborn side). Reason being- I don't want the stress of running into someone I know, and I don't like the fact that I have to go to a meeting and spend 2 hours of my life, EVERY NIGHT that I have some sort of thought of drinking.
Last night was the clinching moment when *NOW* I know I HAVE to take control of my drinking. I was out, drinking with some friends like I do every Wednesday, (which I once again binged before I went), I came home completely drunk.
Apparently I had stopped by a McDonald's and gotten some food to "sober up" I got a quarter pounder meal of some sort and this is my recollection of this morning. (I do not remember going to McDonald's)
I wake up this morning, in bed, and I do not see my on call phone (for work) nor cellphone. I walk out and try to find all my stuff. I cant find it, so I walk back into the bedroom, use my wife's phone to call my phone. So I find both the phones. As I am walking around, I see two empty water bottles that I have filled with tap water, along with a HUGE glass of water (one of those das boot glasses) that I had filled with tap water. So I know at this point I was bad the previous night.
My wife asks me this morning about why I was flushing a quarter pounder down the sink last night, and that she had pulled a lot of onions out of the drain. The sink is clogged, and I simply don't know what what the hell happened. I run to my car this morning because I couldn't find my wallet, and seriously, it looks like I had mutilated a hamburger all over the inside and outside of my car, it was everywhere.
Now is the time to step back, and say I'm done. I just don't know if I can do it again... Seriously, its taken an hour to type, so thank you for reading.
Your attitude, not your aptitude, will determine your altitude
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Oxnard (The Nard), CA, USA.
Posts: 13,962
Now that the severe urge has passed...do you think you'll dump it out or could you have a friend/family member come by and do it for you or help you do it?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Posts: 12,136
Thinking of you and hoping you chose sobriety. You are very fortunate (in my eyes) to have the ability to let it sit in your trunk - and to come here and to share about your intense craving for it. Whether you believe it or not, you have a choice right now. No one is going to pour that booze down your throat for you. So - make a different choice.
Post here. Call a friend. Scream. Pound a pillow. Kick something.
It gets easier. I promise.
Post here. Call a friend. Scream. Pound a pillow. Kick something.
It gets easier. I promise.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 49
Thanks for the encouragement all. If I could go back on the day, I would have just bit my lip and gone straight home after work. The urge is getting stronger though.
If I weren't so energized, I would call it an early night. I already feel stressed and overwhelmed
If I weren't so energized, I would call it an early night. I already feel stressed and overwhelmed
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 36
My advice:
Walk outside, dump it out on the concrete, hop in your car, go get your FAVORITE food to indulge in (for me, coneys) and get about twice of what you normally eat. Go home and eat it all until you finish or it's actually painful to keep trying.
Then take a nap.
Walk outside, dump it out on the concrete, hop in your car, go get your FAVORITE food to indulge in (for me, coneys) and get about twice of what you normally eat. Go home and eat it all until you finish or it's actually painful to keep trying.
Then take a nap.
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