Katie09

Wow, thanks! That's good. If you don't mind, I am going to do the same!

Astro

A member of my CoDA introduce herself by saying "Hi, my name is _ _ _ _ _ and I belong here".

Whether I introduce myself as an alcoholic or a codependent, it's simply a means of identification, it reminds me that I'm no different or better than anyone else in the room, it signifies my similarities rather than the differences.

Honestly, I'm proud to state that I'm an alcoholic in recovery. It's a good way to "keep it real" for me.

Katie, if you feel you're being shunned for not conforming or fitting in, how about trying a different meeting? You might find that some are more accepting than others.

keithj

Katie,

I've been reading about your struggles for the past few months. You know I have a sincere interest and seeing you get some recovery. The word alcoholic is not what's keeping you stuck. It's a word and has no power.

What's keeping you stuck is thinking you know what's keeping you stuck.

If you abandon yourself completely to AA's simple program, you will recover. You may have to say to yourself that you don't like some things, that you don't agree with some things, but that you are willing to do them anyway.

Look at me. I had to get over my prejudice over the idea of a higher power. Scared the crap out of me and I didn't like being lumped in as one of those weak people that needed to believe in a man made fantasy. But I "had come to believe in the hopelessness and futility of life as I had been living it." Notice the same phrasing 'come to believe' as in Step 2. If I come to believe in the hopelessness and futility of my own life, and I see that AA's program really works in others, I am ready to take certain steps.

You're at page 25 Katie. All you have to do is pick up the kit instead of doing what you think you need to do. Are you willing?

Katie09

Well, if you are sure I will recover, then I guess I will do the things I don't want to do. If you can get past your Higher Power stuff I should be able to get past a word. My only sticking point is the whole sponsor thing. I see the value in being accountable on a daily basis, but the last one who told me to lie was just plain wrong. What I'll do for today is to go to a meeting and try to keep an open mind.

One thing I am convinced of (I just feel it) is that I am either at the end of my life (soon to be dead) or at the beginning of finally turning everything around. It's just so hard. Things have just gone so downhill in the past year that the writing is on the wall. Heck, I was incapable of even getting on a plane yesterday, and it was due to complete mental instability and thinking I would crack up if I did. To this end, I will do the deal as it's really the only deal to do here and if I don't, I will lose not only my life but a very important person in my life.

So thanks for talking me into it And to everyone else.

suki44883

smacked

No it isn't.. you have a lot of "only sticking point"s.. and excuses..

I am proud of you for giving it a try, despite the sticking points.. it's kinda what life is about

Toomutch

I am Suzette and I am an alcoholic and I am bipolar. These words are freeing to "me". I have no shame therefore I can continue healing. Acceptance is key to change.

tommyk

Keep going to A.A. meetings.

Remember that the only requierment for membership is a desire to stop drinking.

Remember that what works for others might not work for you (but it might too, if you try).

Remember that it is YOUR life and your recovery that you are dealing with.

I went to a lot of meetings before I got a sponsor or started doing the steps. Eventually, in my own time, I did both, and my life has changed in so many ways that I caould not even begin to pay back what I have gained. I am truly grateful, eternally.

Keep going to A.A. meetings.

sfgirl

I don't like saying the word either. I go to some meetings where I am supposed to introduce myself as such and do just to go with the flow. I would rather do that than stand apart from the crowd. Whenever I say the word, it sounds slightly foreign to me and strange. But it only lasts a second. I don't think you are alone in this. I have heard other people not like the experience of introducing themselves as alcoholics but after awhile of doing it, even if it is as long as a year, finally it is okay with them and it begins to resonate and they become proud of that identity. That may not happen to you; it doesn't have to happen like that but I think that it is a brief second of discomfort that you can bear if it ultimately means recovery whether you choose to just say it even without liking or identifying with the word or if you take some of the other great suggestions and say something else in its place.

I often intellectualize things too much like you. I have been learning that that can be detrimental to recovery and throws me in so many circles and problems. But I so get it.

Rad44

Katie. Your heart and your intentions are in the right place but your mind may not be. Earlier in my Alcoholic career I was hung up on the stigma of the condition/illness and was determined to do a clandestine recovery program on MY terms since I obviously was smarter than everybody else. This failed catastrophically bringing me to the brink of death and enduring more misery than any human being should have to suffer.

I found that after my last 3 week 24/7 relapse binge beat down, my willingness to surrender completely and do whatever it takes no matter how much I didn't want to, made all the difference in the world. I found it to be very uplifting and therapudic to go on record publicly as an Alcoholic. Anytime I try to negotiate my recovery on terms that my Alcoholic brain may favor, it leaves the door open a tiny crack for me to start drinking again. You are going to need all the help you can get to overcome Alcoholism. Do yourself a favor and close the door all the way. Lock it. And melt down the key.

Astro

Just a quick thought I wanted to share, something I learned from a grouchy old long-timer (whom I've come to love and appreciate).......Do I want to be "a part of" AA, or do I want to be "apart from" AA?

Identifying myself like most others do, as an alcoholic, helps me to feel like a part of the program.

Katie09

Good to know I'm not alone, and it is only a word and a second. I don't like to stand apart from the crowd either, especially when it's vital to have the crowd's support at this point. Everyone IRL is just sick of me (including me and except for a friend I have in AA up where you live) and my continuous and never ending searches that get me nowhere.

I so wish that the meetings were not so gigantic where I live. I am supposed to stand up and introduce myself in front of sometimes even 100 people. I am not that kind of person and don't like to do this. HOWEVER, having said this, I will. To this end I will drive out of my way today to hopefully find a smaller meeting. When I lived in the SF Bay Area I used to go to the Mayhew club (Walnut Creek) which had far fewer people in the meetings. At this point I'd truly like to stick with only women's meetings, but there are not as many of them as the others. I really don't feel like sitting with a bunch of men, although I do appreciate all the perspectives of the men in this forum.

laurie6781

(((Katie)))

Today I am a proud "ALCOHOLIC" woman.

That was not the case when I arrived at the doors of recovery. In my mind I was just a drunk. After all if I was an 'alcoholic' I would have to go to those damn meetings. Now mind you I didn't know what those meetings were about, so not me, oh no, I wasn't an alcoholic. In my twisted thinking it was better just to be a falling down drunk, go figure.

As I stayed booze and drug free, the whole meaning of the term changed for me. I started to understand that I had an 'affliction' that the medical profession really did not know how to fix. I also started to see that when I refused alcohol and someone asked me why, the simpliest answer was the truth. I am an Alcoholic. Many times saying that, has brought me some very good 'new' life experiences. ie

Someone coming up to me in a quiet moment at whatever we are at and asking to talk.

Someone contacting me months later, asking to talk.

Someone else saying 'me too,'

I find nothing 'shaming' about the word. To me it is just a term to describe a condition I have, no different than the fact that I am also a diabetic.

I think all your little "sticky points" are just ROAD BLOCKS to your own recovery.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

sfgirl

I'm all about the women only meetings. I feel much safer, especially early on.

suki44883

Very well put, laurie.

Bamboozle

Hey, Katie.

I don't like the words "alcoholic" or "alcoholism" because the rest of society has a problem with it. Like it or not, people who hire and fire can use these labels against someone. People who booze too much are frowned upon even outside of the workplace. It is a stigma I simply don't care to take with me everywhere I go.


I only tell the people close to me and professionals who won't judge. When I do tell someone, I usually just say I have a drinking problem or an addiction to alcohol.


Words are powerful. Some may be able to cast them aside, but I understand how words can be used to hurt and control others. It does matter to me.


I do like what tommy suggested about introducing yourself and being grateful to be in recovery.

Katie09

Yup, to me it conjures up images of that which society really does judge. My friend in AA will tell employers straight up that he is an alcoholic, which I think is a mistake. If I were an employer, I wouldn't take a risk on hiring an alcoholic unless that person had long term sobriety.

Me too. I like to refer to it as an alcohol issue or drinking problem or simply a condition. I tend to view it more as a choice than disease (well, to the extent that people can make the choice to stop drinking and no one forces me to), so this no doubt plays into the shame I feel around it. However, alcohol dependence makes sense to me to in that over time our bodies change on the cellular level, tolerance increases and we become dependent on it.

Me too. I think it's great.

ETA: You know the bottom line though for me, in those desperate moments where I think I'm really causing myself physical damage or drinking round the clock, I do say to myself I am a REAL alcoholic. I just don't like to say it over and over on a regular basis, as I am many other things too. In all the years I've bounced in and out of AA, there have been MANY years I've had to consciously remind myself not to say "and I'm an alcoholic" in a business meeting. I guess that bugs me too. I even changed my first name and have vowed I would never say my first name and alcoholic in the same sentence. Fortunately, I changed my first name and one can say it with five different variations, so I am covered. (Strange, I know) I don't want to have to worry about saying it automatically to the wrong people. Just thought I'd add this.

joedris

Katie, I think you need to put your ego away for a while and accept things for what they are. Alcoholism is a disease. I know some folks take issue with that, and that's their prerogative. You suffer from this disease as do 10% of the population who drinks alcoholic beverages. You have no control over being an alcoholic. You were born with it. It's not your fault that you have the disease. It almost sounds to me that you dislike saying the word because you don't want to accept the fact that "alcoholic" is nasty and doesn't really apply to you. You can use "alcohol dependent" or "belonging here in AA" or whatever warn fuzzy phrase helps you avoid the reality of the situation. It's like using the phrase "vertically challenged" instead of short. It doesn't change a thing. Why not try "alcohol intolerent", or have an ethanol aversion". There are probably a kot of phrases we can come up with. I prefer to say the I'm Joe and I'm an alcoholic. Sort of tells it like it is.

Katie09

I see your points, but did you get a chance to read what I added above? I can say I am a REAL alcoholic even to MYSELF, which is the most important, but I don't like saying it over and over and possibly with the wrong people. Oh, and BTW, I changed my name as I never liked my first name. However, I did make my original first name my middle name. I don't want to lose touch with who I've been my whole life and that includes my drinking history. Ok, so I am a weird duck.

Dee74

You know me Katie - I'm many things to many people - I'm Dee, I'm Derek, I'm son, I'm brother, uncle, partner, asthmatic, a-hole, spastic, grouch, alcoholic...the list goes on....but mostly I'm just Dee and let other people sort out the rest. Labels Schmabels.

But I guess I get it...noone wants to be an alcoholic, no one likes it, and words do have power...but to let a word stop you would be more than foolish - it would be tragic.

I'd go with Tommy Ks or Astro's fine suggestions, Katie.

Good luck!
D