collinsmi

I remember feeling like that. I'd quit, and at first not drinking seemed shiny and new, like a new car or present. After a while, the shine started to wear off and not drinking became mundane, dull. Sooner or later, by hook or crook, drinking always would eventually seem like a good idea again (well every time but this last time).

There are similarities in other parts of my life. When I was younger (drinking, not drinking, drinking again, not drinking again, etc) I was in the military and I made sure I moved around a lot. I'd get an assignment (to move to another base) and it would be like a Christmas present. Suddenly my circumstances no longer seemed like a trap. There was a spring in my step and life became exciting again!

So I'd get to the new base, vowing that this time things would be different. Everything would be new and wonderful! I saw how people who had the things I wanted lived, I could imitate their behavior. I'd go to the education office and think about taking some courses (thinking about college was better than going - most of the emotional payoff with none of the work). I'd show up at the gym a couple times, responsible people work out, everyone knows that.

And I'd Drink. Bad things would happen. Friendships would sour. People would look at me funny on mornings after, and I'd look at the ground. I'd feel bad, ashamed, alone. How did it happen again? Time to fill out another dream sheet (assignment request). Time to go to a new base! Sometimes I'd get in a Situation. A Situation with disciplinary action, and a trip to rehab, and a card to bring to those A&A meetings to get signed. A couple times I was excited to quit drinking (see above) A couple times I wasn't so excited about it. Looking back at all my assignments over my career, I was either getting into one of those Situations or getting out of one of those Situations at every base I was at (except basic training and tech school)! Interesting....

Well, the story has a happy ending (so far)! Got in AA and stayed in AA about 11 years ago. Worked/am working a good solid set of steps. Funny, when I work a strong program life seems shiny and new! But boy am I lazy. So sometimes it gets dull and mundane. So I get busy on that AA stuff again!

Kit

Yes. I hear you. This pink cloud can't possibly last. I guess it can in a sense. I can feel totally greatful for every, single, solitary day that I stay sober. However, this euphoria will certainly pass. Too bad, because I REALLY like it! Haha. Maybe one way to stay near the pink cloud is to say, out loud, each day, how great it is to not worry about drinking. I worried and dwelled on it everyday. What a burden has been lifted. Another way to stay close to the pink cloud may be to tell God every, single day how thankful I am that he has seen to it to help me, when I asked. I guess you can just NEVER forget how much better life is. IF I have to think back on the bad times (which I hate to do) in order to remind myself of what life could so easily be like, yet again, well then, I can do that too. Today I worked a ten and a half hour day and when I came home I saw a bottle of wine on the counter that my daughter was using to cook something with. I must tell you the feeling to drink from that bottle was overwhelming! I could have cast all my hard work to the wind so easily. Instead, I ate a bunch of chips and the feeling passed. I also left the room, so I wouldn't look at the darn bottle.
I'll say it again - I'm so glad to have people listening to me. At work today, I felt like talking to somebody, but knew I shouldn't - schools are very gossipy, you know. But I have this wonderful place to come and talk, and I thank you.

Love, Kit

Tazman53

Kit if you ever feel the need for some face to face talk with folks like us why not check out an AA meeting, there are ladies only meetings in most areas which could be a real good place to check out, we love talking in AA!!! LOL

CarolD

My R/X for continuing to soar among the pink clouds

Daily....Prayer...Gratitude...The Golden Rule

Oh yeah....I am also a non drinker
as alcohol spins me into toxic actions.

Thump...my depression is black ..cold...deadly

Shani71

Wow Kit! Your story sounds so much like mine! Other than my husband is the type that could have just one beer, I on the other hand would drink that whole stinkin 12 pack.....You are doing awesome, I think I am doing awesome...Let's have icecream together!!! I feel great, like you said you have energy, so do I!!! Amazing isn't it? Yesterday was a little shaky for me. I was making banana bread & found a bottle hidden....Oh Boy! I stared at that for I don't know how long until my son (awesome kid) asked me if I was o.k. Well, I dumped the bottle, got out of my little anxiety attack....Then had to see the humor, with all this energy & my big plans to scrub our entire house...How many "stash" bottles am I going to find!?! I better rent a dumpster!
Thanks Kit & Thanks to everyone sharing! I'm new here, and I'm really inspired by everyone!!!!! I'll probably be driving everyone crazy within a week, sometimes I just don't know when to "shut it".....

Tazman53

Welcome Shani to SR, trust me we all love to hear from each other and see how things are going.

CarolD

Shani...

It's good to see you are finding your way around SR!
Welcome to our Alcoholism Forum!

collinsmi

Enjoy the cloud while you're on it Kit. If you drank like me though, you might have to do something to stay sober.

Kit

My goodness, another invitation to attend AA from Tazman! I may have to get the courage up to do it. I don't quite know what it is that scares me. Am I afraid of seeing someone I know? Well, that's dumb because I'm sure just about everybody knows I can't handle alcohol. They'd probably say, "Its about time!" Am I afraid of hearing stories that will remind me of my own, and I don't want to think about the bad times because it makes me feel so down? That could be it. I don't want to descend from my pink cloud and feel all ashamed and self-loathing. I would really like to know if AA meetings leave you feeling happy or guilty. I'm guessing happy, or nobody would go. I have a friend who got into AA just out of high school and he has been sober for about 30 years now, and he still goes to meetings. Works for him, that's for sure.
Another great thing about being sober is that I am getting so much done at work! However, my desk is still messy. Can't quite get past that one yet. An even better thing is that my kids are so happy that I'm not drinking. Especially my youngest. It bothered her so much that I had gotten to the point I was at. Actually, the way I became an alcoholic is weird. I will tell that story another time because it will take up a whole post and I'll have to psych myself up for that one.

Shani, I'm so glad your experience is a great one, like mine is! It feels so good to be free of the old ball and chain, doesn't it?

Love, Kit

CarolD

Early on ...I thought of AA meetings
as classrooms for recovery.
The more I attended ...the quicker I learned.

When I finished the AA Steps 4 & 5
my guilt was removed.
Another excellent benefit of AA for me!

I hope you are reading other threads Kit.
Look around for the miracles of recovery.

Please don't settle for being less than you can be,

Blessings to you and your family

Tazman53

Kit why not just talk to your friend? You do not know me from Adam really, you can always tell when someone is telling the truth when talking face to face with them. If your freind has been sober 30 years then that would lead me to assume that AA is not making him feel bad or like drinking! Ask him, heck I bet he would be more then happy to take you to a meeting with him.

I can tell you that thanks to working the steps with a sponsor all of my guilt and shame is gone today, not forgotten, but gone! The obsession for alcohol is gone as well. Please talk to your friend, I have a feeling that hearing it from someone you know face to face will mean so much more then reading what some old goat typed on the net.

Kit

Hahaha! Taz are you saying you are an old goat? I'm sure you are not! I have talked to my 30 year AA friend several times, but he now lives in Tennessee and I only see him face to face a couple of times a year. Sometimes it is hard to talk to him because he is actually a counseler for alcoholics (at a very nice rehab) and he starts talking to me in a counseling way, and it really bugged me because we have been friends since we were teenagers. Do you know what I mean? So I told him we probably shouldn't talk about drinking, because it got annoying. HOWEVER, my neighbor said she would go with me to a meeting, even though she doesn't want to stop drinking. She is a very good, supportive friend. I thought that was a very nice offer, especially since I know she means it. So even though she isn't good to talk to about being sober, she wants to help me in my quest.
Carol, thanks for the support, I do read other threads. I also respond. I must say the lingo is very confusing.
I'd like to share how I became an alcoholic. Let me know if you have ever heard of this happening to somebody else. I always had the alcoholic genes. My grandfather, father, brother are/were alcoholics. None of the women in my family are, that I can tell. I'm Irish. I alsways enjoyed drinking, but could stop after one. I never got smashed, lost my legs, or had blackouts. I think I was a "normal drinker." About 5 years ago, my daughter went through something horrible and I couldn't take it. I was so beside myself that I couldn't function and was no good to her or anybody else. My doctor prescribed Paxil. I loved it! Life was rosey and great! Nothing seemed too hard to handle and I could be helpful to my family while we went through this wicked, wicked time. Anyway after about 2 months on the drug, I started drinking like a fish! I couldn't wait to drink. I was drinking excessively every night. It was unbelievable. I started to lose my legs, repeat myself when drunk, act ridiculous etc. I said to my doctor, "I think I'm an alcoholic. I can't stop drinking!" He was shocked. He talked with me and believed me, but was clearly confused. He suggested I try to stop. He figured I couldn't be too far into it. After all, he had known me all my life and it had never been an issue. But he also knew it ran in my family. I said, "Ok." Well, I couldn't stop for the life of me. As a matter of fact, I could drink 2 bottles of wine, a half bottle of scotch all in one night and then go to work the next day. I felt incredibly euphoric when I was drinking. I kept going back to him and telling him that it wasn't working. I kept saying, "How did this happen? What made me turn the corner?" He wanted me to go to AA, but I just wouldn't go. Finally after about a year, maybe less, he realized it was the damn Paxil!!! A rare side effect, is a craving to drink. Well, I went off that drug quicker than anybody ever ought to try. I didn't care a thing about the side effects. Believe it or not, I found them oddly pleasant - especially the head rushes. Very bizarre. Well, the cravings went down dramatically, but the damage was done. My brain had changed. I couldn't drink like a normal person anymore. Whenever I drank I couldn't stop. It was all or nothing. I couldn't handle the amount I drank while taking the Paxil - that turned me into some kind of super drinker. I would drink about a bottle and a half of wine and then pass out. Over the next few years, I would try to stay away from alcohol and sometimes did a pretty good job. But there was the husband issue. He never really believed I had become an alcoholic and really didn't want me to stop. Finally, he agreed a few weeks ago, when I said those mean things to him - that I don't remember. He realized it is the real deal and has not had a drink since, in order to help me. Today is day 21. And here I am. Have you ever heard such a thing? Since then I have talked to one other person who had that same reaction from Paxil, however, she didn't turn the corner like I did and become an alcoholic. She was/is lucky.

Love, Kit

CarolD

Thanks Kit for sharing part of your story.

Mine is not the same...but we both crossed the line
unaware and in pain.

Now it's time to move forward.

Glad to know your husband is beside you
as you both aim for a healthier lifestyle.

Blessings to you and your family

lovingseren

Kit,
I am reading what you have said about Paxil........I am in total agreement with you.
My drinking shot through the roof when I was prescribed paxil, when I came off it, is when I got sober.

Thank You for sharing

Seren

PaperDolls

Thanks for sharing your story Kit. I can relate to so much.
I'm glad you made it though the party at the bar but don't test yourself too much this early in your recovery.

I quit drinking 2 years ago and I have gone to bars but it's tough and it's risky and I still want to drink. Just be careful.

Congrats on your sober time. Keep it up.

mikel60

Hey Kit,
Good to see that you and your husband are starting a sober life together. My wife and I are both sober and it is fantastic. My pink cloud, by the way, just keeps getting bigger. It's been 12 years now. Keep up the good work. I'm just a little south of you, right in Boston. Go Sox!

Kit

Thanks! Seren, I wonder if that side effect is listed. I'll look it up.
Mike! Yay Sox! We won't even talk about the Pats - still too raw.

Love, Kit

lovingseren

Kit,
I did a quick google search on paxil and alcoholism, there were a few references to it.
Seren

Kit

I saw some references as well, but I didn't see anything that said paxil could cause alcohol cravings, did you? All I read was that you shouldn't mix the 2. Hmmmmm, very fishy.

Today I noticed another side effect of not drinking. Now that my mind is free of haze, I am noticing the small, but wonderful parts of life. For instance. I have a daughter in Italy. She was talking on the phone to my other daughter (at home) and they were laughing and laughing and laughing. It was a small thing, but it made me feel so happy inside to hear sisters laughing as if they were in the same room. If I was drinking, I wouldn't have even noticed that lovely little slice of life.

Love, Kit

Tazman53

Kit the longer I have been sober the more things I notice that I know where there all along, but I just did not hear, smell, or see them. Like you, I find those small things seem to jump out at me even stronger then the big things.