She likes to collect "broken" people
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2007
Posts: 91
She likes to collect "broken" people
One of the people in my life who I have known for years and years and sincerely love...and I think she loves me back...she collects broken people. She openly admits to this. She says she collects misfit toys so that she can fix them. This girl, kidding or not, I dunno. She knows me well, but...well it's confusing, I don't know whether she is kidding or not(but there's some sincerity in every joke, huh?)...she has labeled me as an alcoholic, and when we're drinking with friends she'll always play bartender. Everyone else gets their drinks first. She makes ours last so that she can add tons more alcohol. What I don't get is does she want me to be broken? Does she want to be surrounded by broken people to the point that she'll help them on the path? I just don't understand the motivation behind something like that. And again, I haven't been brave enough to ask her if she really thinks I am an alcoholic. I don't think I am and I refuse the label. She's known me forever, so it's possible she might see patterns in me others can't see. I don't know.
Maybe this is way too rambling.
Has anyone seen this behavior before?
Maybe this is way too rambling.
Has anyone seen this behavior before?
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Anytown, USA
Posts: 264
Hi Sunkensky,
Welcome to these forums. I am a grateful recovering alcoholic and am glad to meet you.
Do a google search on codependency--being addicted to the addict/alchoholic. Not knowing her, this is what it sounds like to me.
I recognize this behavior in myself at times (I am an adult child of alcoholics) as well as my husband when I was drinking. He too (correctly) labeled me as alcoholic, but would bring home beautiful, fancy wines for me to try. My husband is also an ACOA and chose to marry an alcoholic, me. That makes him codependent, by definition.
My best advice these days is to take a look at your own behavior, whatever it may be. Only you can determine whether you have a problem with alcohol. There is a 20 Questions brochure that AA puts out that can help you decide. http://www.step12.com/alcoholic-20-questions.html
Welcome to these forums. I am a grateful recovering alcoholic and am glad to meet you.
Do a google search on codependency--being addicted to the addict/alchoholic. Not knowing her, this is what it sounds like to me.
I recognize this behavior in myself at times (I am an adult child of alcoholics) as well as my husband when I was drinking. He too (correctly) labeled me as alcoholic, but would bring home beautiful, fancy wines for me to try. My husband is also an ACOA and chose to marry an alcoholic, me. That makes him codependent, by definition.
My best advice these days is to take a look at your own behavior, whatever it may be. Only you can determine whether you have a problem with alcohol. There is a 20 Questions brochure that AA puts out that can help you decide. http://www.step12.com/alcoholic-20-questions.html
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2007
Posts: 91
Yeah....
Thanks for the link. I've taken the test before. I don't think three yes answers is anything definitive. I think I only have like three yes answers too. Right there on the cusp.
I guess I sort of figured it was something like codependency with her. But we aren't even anything more than friends, so I don't get it. I thought that kind of behavior was with sexual partners/spouses/etc.
She says she wants me to move in with her. I won't because it's not feasible right now, but I can imagine how strange a ride that might be.
Thanks for the link. I've taken the test before. I don't think three yes answers is anything definitive. I think I only have like three yes answers too. Right there on the cusp.
I guess I sort of figured it was something like codependency with her. But we aren't even anything more than friends, so I don't get it. I thought that kind of behavior was with sexual partners/spouses/etc.
She says she wants me to move in with her. I won't because it's not feasible right now, but I can imagine how strange a ride that might be.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Anytown, USA
Posts: 264
No, a codependent is anyone whose life is affected by someone else's drinking.
For instance, there is a friend of mine overseas whom I see quite rarely and I know I am codependent with him. He confided in me he worried he was alcoholic, I shared information with him, and he then told me he was not alcoholic, only dependent on alcohol. (I would be laughing so hard at this statement, but the sad fact is that he truly believes there is a difference... I only hope I will be able to laugh long and hard WITH HIM over that statement, someday...)
I have had to work very hard to separate myself from not pursuing him over and over and over again about it because I did what I can do. God willing, he'll come to me, or to someone else, when he is ready.
Here is the rest of the site, a great story & the scoring which you may not have seen?
What's your score?
If you have answered YES to any one of the questions, there is a definite warning that you may be an alcoholic.
If you have answered YES to any two, the chances are that you are an alcoholic.
If you answered YES to three or more, you are definitely an alcoholic.
(The test questions are used at Johns Hopkins University Hospital, Baltimore, MD, in deciding whether or not a patient is an alcoholic).
--------------------------------
Dallas B. on "Twenty Questions"
The first time I remember seeing the "20 Questions" pamphlet, was in January 1971. I remember the time only because the day after I read the 20 questions, I read Bill Wilson’s obituary on the front page of a small town newspaper. I was drinking a nice bottle of cheap wine while reading the newspaper and wondered why they would put the name and picture of a guy... on the front page of a newspaper... when he was supposed to be anonymous!
Late one night, for some reason, probably because I was intoxicated, I was in a coin-operated laundry place. It must have been around two or three o'clock in the morning. I wasn't doing laundry. Perhaps I was just waiting for the dryers to start! (Yep. I sure could have used some drying out!).
The laundromat was empty. I got up out of my seat to look at the dryers and when I returned to my seat I noticed that there was a yellow card with the 20 Questions on the card. Someone must have snuck in and placed the card in my seat! While they were probably outside laughing at me... I read the little card, and my thoughts were "What kind of propaganda is this!!! Must be some outfit that wants to do away with alcohol! Heck! This would mean that everyone in the world is alcoholic!" (Sometimes, it's funny how us alcoholics seem to believe that EVERYONE drinks like we do!)
Over the years, I can now see many instances of how the seed of Alcoholics Anonymous was getting planted inside my head, long before I ever got to A. A. ! And, as I look back over my life, I can now see that I was a real alcoholic many years before I ever suspected that I had a problem with alcohol!
The next time I remember seeing the pamphlet, was in early January 1986. I was sitting in marathon A. A. meetings, trying to "dry out".
I'm sure glad that they let drunk drunks go to those A.A. meetings! I've recently learned that in some places, if a drunk is drunk, they want him to come back to the meeting after he gets sober! I'm sure that myself and many others would not be sober today... if we had to be sober before we could go to A.A. meetings! We would have been excluded. (In the A.A. place where I got sober... the only detox I ever heard about was detoxing in the meetings! The AA members would sit in the meetings sobering up alcoholics during and after the meetings!) But, that's another story for another time!
Here, I just wanted to share the 20 Questions, just like they were shared with me. My head was too foggy to understand much of anything out of the Big Book, or any other literature... but I could grasp the 20 Questions. Of course, it wouldn't be right to say that I didn't have help with them! An A. A. member helped me read and honestly answer the questions. When I answered the questions on my own, I only answered "Yes" to about 17 of the questions. With the A.A. member's help, I was able to pass with flying colors... and answer "Yes" to all twenty questions!
For instance, there is a friend of mine overseas whom I see quite rarely and I know I am codependent with him. He confided in me he worried he was alcoholic, I shared information with him, and he then told me he was not alcoholic, only dependent on alcohol. (I would be laughing so hard at this statement, but the sad fact is that he truly believes there is a difference... I only hope I will be able to laugh long and hard WITH HIM over that statement, someday...)
I have had to work very hard to separate myself from not pursuing him over and over and over again about it because I did what I can do. God willing, he'll come to me, or to someone else, when he is ready.
Here is the rest of the site, a great story & the scoring which you may not have seen?
What's your score?
If you have answered YES to any one of the questions, there is a definite warning that you may be an alcoholic.
If you have answered YES to any two, the chances are that you are an alcoholic.
If you answered YES to three or more, you are definitely an alcoholic.
(The test questions are used at Johns Hopkins University Hospital, Baltimore, MD, in deciding whether or not a patient is an alcoholic).
--------------------------------
Dallas B. on "Twenty Questions"
The first time I remember seeing the "20 Questions" pamphlet, was in January 1971. I remember the time only because the day after I read the 20 questions, I read Bill Wilson’s obituary on the front page of a small town newspaper. I was drinking a nice bottle of cheap wine while reading the newspaper and wondered why they would put the name and picture of a guy... on the front page of a newspaper... when he was supposed to be anonymous!
Late one night, for some reason, probably because I was intoxicated, I was in a coin-operated laundry place. It must have been around two or three o'clock in the morning. I wasn't doing laundry. Perhaps I was just waiting for the dryers to start! (Yep. I sure could have used some drying out!).
The laundromat was empty. I got up out of my seat to look at the dryers and when I returned to my seat I noticed that there was a yellow card with the 20 Questions on the card. Someone must have snuck in and placed the card in my seat! While they were probably outside laughing at me... I read the little card, and my thoughts were "What kind of propaganda is this!!! Must be some outfit that wants to do away with alcohol! Heck! This would mean that everyone in the world is alcoholic!" (Sometimes, it's funny how us alcoholics seem to believe that EVERYONE drinks like we do!)
Over the years, I can now see many instances of how the seed of Alcoholics Anonymous was getting planted inside my head, long before I ever got to A. A. ! And, as I look back over my life, I can now see that I was a real alcoholic many years before I ever suspected that I had a problem with alcohol!
The next time I remember seeing the pamphlet, was in early January 1986. I was sitting in marathon A. A. meetings, trying to "dry out".
I'm sure glad that they let drunk drunks go to those A.A. meetings! I've recently learned that in some places, if a drunk is drunk, they want him to come back to the meeting after he gets sober! I'm sure that myself and many others would not be sober today... if we had to be sober before we could go to A.A. meetings! We would have been excluded. (In the A.A. place where I got sober... the only detox I ever heard about was detoxing in the meetings! The AA members would sit in the meetings sobering up alcoholics during and after the meetings!) But, that's another story for another time!
Here, I just wanted to share the 20 Questions, just like they were shared with me. My head was too foggy to understand much of anything out of the Big Book, or any other literature... but I could grasp the 20 Questions. Of course, it wouldn't be right to say that I didn't have help with them! An A. A. member helped me read and honestly answer the questions. When I answered the questions on my own, I only answered "Yes" to about 17 of the questions. With the A.A. member's help, I was able to pass with flying colors... and answer "Yes" to all twenty questions!
Om, Aum, Ohm...
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Punxsutawney/Pittsburgh
Posts: 4,797
My last relationship in active addiction was similar, only we were living and sleeping together -- for seven years. He called me his "project," and when I finally broke away and went to rehab, he took credit for it and found somebody else to work on. His current thing is a woman who's bulimic. He doesn't discourage her behavior (he makes remarks like, "I like my women skinny") and he has paid for all her dental work. Pretty sick, huh?
It's not up to me or anyone else to convince you that you're alcoholic. What she's observed in you may be based in fact, or it may be part of the role you play in her life. My suggestion to you is to take care of yourself and set up some boundaries. If she's telling you you're alcoholic (and you believe you are), then proceeding to get you drunk, you're not only in a sick situation but possibly a life threatening one, too.
Peace & Love,
Sugah
It's not up to me or anyone else to convince you that you're alcoholic. What she's observed in you may be based in fact, or it may be part of the role you play in her life. My suggestion to you is to take care of yourself and set up some boundaries. If she's telling you you're alcoholic (and you believe you are), then proceeding to get you drunk, you're not only in a sick situation but possibly a life threatening one, too.
Peace & Love,
Sugah
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2007
Posts: 91
Thanks.
I saw the scoring...I guess I just don't agree on less than half those answers being yes indicating alcoholism.
The story was cool. I could see how it may seem like I am a version of that guy in the coin op laundry thinking it's all propaganda...
I guess I don't think it's propaganda, I just think those who have been through the program may be overly sensitive to the warning signs...and think something is alcoholism when it really isn't...because they can see the same tendencies in their early days...
I think that even most normal people would answer yes to a few of those, though.
When you start getting scores like 10 or something, I would be worried.
Thanks so much for your responses, though.
I never knew codependency could be between anyone. It's hard for me to understand why she would feel that way, though...but then I was the same when she was in the drug scene...I hated that she used, but I wanted her to still love me and stay near, so I didn't discourage it much.
I guess I kind of sickly didn't hate it fully...was relieved I could be a safe haven or something. Ick.
I saw the scoring...I guess I just don't agree on less than half those answers being yes indicating alcoholism.
The story was cool. I could see how it may seem like I am a version of that guy in the coin op laundry thinking it's all propaganda...
I guess I don't think it's propaganda, I just think those who have been through the program may be overly sensitive to the warning signs...and think something is alcoholism when it really isn't...because they can see the same tendencies in their early days...
I think that even most normal people would answer yes to a few of those, though.
When you start getting scores like 10 or something, I would be worried.
Thanks so much for your responses, though.
I never knew codependency could be between anyone. It's hard for me to understand why she would feel that way, though...but then I was the same when she was in the drug scene...I hated that she used, but I wanted her to still love me and stay near, so I didn't discourage it much.
I guess I kind of sickly didn't hate it fully...was relieved I could be a safe haven or something. Ick.
Last edited by sunkensky; 05-18-2007 at 10:01 AM. Reason: forgot something
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Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Scottsdale, AZ, one big happy dysfunctional family!
Posts: 23,061
Hi sunkensky, always nice to see someone new on SR.
Check out this list of patterns and characteristics of codependants http://www.codependents.org/patterns.php I never thought I had an issue with codependancy until I heard this read at a meeting, and then the evidence was staring me in the face. AA keeps me sober, CoDA and Al-Anon help me to live a full and fairly healthy life, of course I'll always be a work in progress.
One more thing. You said "I've taken the test before. I don't think three yes answers is anything definitive. I think I only have like three yes answers too. Right there on the cusp." I've learned that normal drinkers don't even ponder whether they have a problem with alcohol. It never crosses their mind. Does that make sense? Be true to thine own self.
Check out this list of patterns and characteristics of codependants http://www.codependents.org/patterns.php I never thought I had an issue with codependancy until I heard this read at a meeting, and then the evidence was staring me in the face. AA keeps me sober, CoDA and Al-Anon help me to live a full and fairly healthy life, of course I'll always be a work in progress.
One more thing. You said "I've taken the test before. I don't think three yes answers is anything definitive. I think I only have like three yes answers too. Right there on the cusp." I've learned that normal drinkers don't even ponder whether they have a problem with alcohol. It never crosses their mind. Does that make sense? Be true to thine own self.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
One does not have to be an alcoholic
to want to quit drinking.
Alcohol is just not good for your health..
Please read this for info......
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...influence.html
Blessings
to want to quit drinking.
Alcohol is just not good for your health..
Please read this for info......
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...influence.html
Blessings
Determined
Join Date: May 2007
Location: On the verge of insanity
Posts: 330
Hi Sunkensky,
I got 3 yes's on the test too, I do kind of agree with you that if I had 9 or 10 I would be really worried. I decided to stop drinking as I could no longer control it and I guess thats when it becomes a "real" problem obvious to the drinker.
Anyway back to your original question.....I do think codependent friend their, maybe her drinking is a problem for her so like when she hangs back and gets you twos drinks at the end she can justify her own drinking by saying she was keeping up with you? I know I had a friend who did that, if fact I remember doing that with a guy I worked with I knew I'd drank way too much but justified more as if xxxxx could drink another then so could I!!!
Just a thought
stay safe
CW :-)
I got 3 yes's on the test too, I do kind of agree with you that if I had 9 or 10 I would be really worried. I decided to stop drinking as I could no longer control it and I guess thats when it becomes a "real" problem obvious to the drinker.
Anyway back to your original question.....I do think codependent friend their, maybe her drinking is a problem for her so like when she hangs back and gets you twos drinks at the end she can justify her own drinking by saying she was keeping up with you? I know I had a friend who did that, if fact I remember doing that with a guy I worked with I knew I'd drank way too much but justified more as if xxxxx could drink another then so could I!!!
Just a thought
stay safe
CW :-)
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Northern NJ
Posts: 71
Originally Posted by sunkensky 
What I don't get is does she want me to be broken? Does she want to be surrounded by broken people to the point that she'll help them on the path? I just don't understand the motivation behind something like that. And again, I haven't been brave enough to ask her if she really thinks I am an alcoholic. I don't think I am and I refuse the label. She's known me forever, so it's possible she might see patterns in me others can't see. I don't know.
Has anyone seen this behavior before?
Has anyone seen this behavior before?
All I'm saying is that I wouldn't put too much stock into what she thinks because she could have her own agenda. Only you can determine whether you have control over alcohol or if alcohol has control over you -- not your friend!
Jo
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: anomaly
Posts: 2,180
I met a gal once..she took me home and did everything for me.
She was like the perfect wife or did the thinks my soon to be ex-wife
didn't do. She spent a lot of time with me and really cared.
She even warn me about getting back with my wife..before
all the sheit hit the fan
She didn't try to fix me...I don't know, maybe she did..
She brought a lost cat home oneday..thou
Maybe that's why she's a nurse...i don't know..
She was a total knock out and all the boyz was chasing her.
So why the hell did she pick me out of the people ?...i don't know.
She kind of reminds me of my ex-wife actaully...my ex-wife ask me out too.
I don't know...I was stupid broken. i wasn't on a reboune or maybe i was..
I'm not really sure why I left her, I think it was becuase ...love hurts.
I can't think too much about it..it'll drive me crazy..the what ifs.
I was too sick, I didn't think I deserve to love like that.
Half of the time..i was scare shietless living with her...so I ran.
I think i would had really mess the gal up if we stay together with
my aloholism untreated.
While drinking and using...a lot of stuff didn't sense to me. Nothing was clear.
if opprotunity knocks...I'd miss it. Emotionally...i was a wreak..i didn't know
what I was feeling or knew how to process it. Living with her mess me up even more.
She didn't do it me...i was just sick
She was like the perfect wife or did the thinks my soon to be ex-wife
didn't do. She spent a lot of time with me and really cared.
She even warn me about getting back with my wife..before
all the sheit hit the fan
She didn't try to fix me...I don't know, maybe she did..
She brought a lost cat home oneday..thou
Maybe that's why she's a nurse...i don't know..
She was a total knock out and all the boyz was chasing her.
So why the hell did she pick me out of the people ?...i don't know.
She kind of reminds me of my ex-wife actaully...my ex-wife ask me out too.
I don't know...I was stupid broken. i wasn't on a reboune or maybe i was..
I'm not really sure why I left her, I think it was becuase ...love hurts.
I can't think too much about it..it'll drive me crazy..the what ifs.
I was too sick, I didn't think I deserve to love like that.
Half of the time..i was scare shietless living with her...so I ran.
I think i would had really mess the gal up if we stay together with
my aloholism untreated.
While drinking and using...a lot of stuff didn't sense to me. Nothing was clear.
if opprotunity knocks...I'd miss it. Emotionally...i was a wreak..i didn't know
what I was feeling or knew how to process it. Living with her mess me up even more.
She didn't do it me...i was just sick
Member
Join Date: May 2003
Location: El Paso, Tx
Posts: 5,862
..ohh my apologies I didn't answer your initial question. My two cents is this.. let's just say she does collect broken people. Let's just say in her mind she thinks you're broken and so she remains latched on the concept of fixing you. So what about quitting drinking for a period and you'll have your answer? If you drink together in unison and you stop... see what happens. ..and p.s. I'm in sync with the codie assessment. 
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2007
Posts: 91
(i'm kind of dumbfounded by how badly written my first post was. sorry.)
Sunday at 2 am and it will have been a week I have gone without drinking. I already took a break to see how I handled it. I haven't seen her much since Saturday evening though...I will see her tomorrow...and what we are doing should probably be something which doesn't involve alcohol at all.
If she's codie we're probably both codie. This is funny, because one of my friends is forcing a codie "intervention" for someone else. Ha.
Sunday at 2 am and it will have been a week I have gone without drinking. I already took a break to see how I handled it. I haven't seen her much since Saturday evening though...I will see her tomorrow...and what we are doing should probably be something which doesn't involve alcohol at all.
If she's codie we're probably both codie. This is funny, because one of my friends is forcing a codie "intervention" for someone else. Ha.
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Join Date: May 2003
Location: El Paso, Tx
Posts: 5,862
I know this alcoholic suffers from codieness to. LOL.. it's all good at least I KNOW. Good luck to ya, yeah, and good for you at giving it a break. Let us know if she responds in kind, will be interesting to see.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: anomaly
Posts: 2,180
So there you go....
honestly...if I would have help or sobered up..I think it would had been different.
With what i know now....man o man...
I lost everything before i sobered up...yeah like poeple. People that cared
about me and not want to rip me off...but i ran from that.
No, it wasn't garantee that things might work out...but the damn thing
about it is...i never gave myself a chance or her a chance. Becuase
i was too into my bs. Regrets haunts ya..hell this is the first time, I've
talked about it in depth....That why i left her..i was afraid of being loved.
So i drown myself out in booze or drugs to numb it out...i lost.
I made mistakes...a lot of mistakes. i hope you don't have to suffered
as i had or have some regrets bouncing in your head somewhere.
it's optional..
honestly...if I would have help or sobered up..I think it would had been different.
With what i know now....man o man...
I lost everything before i sobered up...yeah like poeple. People that cared
about me and not want to rip me off...but i ran from that.
No, it wasn't garantee that things might work out...but the damn thing
about it is...i never gave myself a chance or her a chance. Becuase
i was too into my bs. Regrets haunts ya..hell this is the first time, I've
talked about it in depth....That why i left her..i was afraid of being loved.
So i drown myself out in booze or drugs to numb it out...i lost.
I made mistakes...a lot of mistakes. i hope you don't have to suffered
as i had or have some regrets bouncing in your head somewhere.
it's optional..
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Location: Leaving Sparta
Posts: 2,912
Originally Posted by sunkensky
One of the people in my life who I have known for years and years and sincerely love... collects broken people. She openly admits to this. She says she collects misfit toys so that she can fix them.
Has anyone seen this behavior before?
Has anyone seen this behavior before?
Yes.I think I know what the behaviour is. It could be a chronic case of codependency where she gets her self worth from "fixing other peoples problems". Perhaps too she is just addicted to the drama and chaos that surrounds dysfuntional lives. It could be a form of escapism from actually facing up to her own problems.
If I spend enough time focusing on other peoples issues then I won't have time to face up to my own problems.
As for your own questions regarding alcoholism; perhaps answering a few questions might help you to decide for yourself:
Are You An Alcoholic?
Ask yourself the following questions and answer them as honestly as you can.
YES NO
1. Do you lose time from work due to drinking?
2. Is drinking making your home life unhappy?
3. Do you drink because you are shy with other people?
4. Is drinking affecting your reputation?
5. Have you ever felt remorse after drinking?
6. Have you gotten into financial difficulties as a result of drinking?
7. Do you turn to lower companions and an inferior environment when drinking?
8. Does your drinking make you careless of your family's welfare?
9. Has your ambition decreased since drinking?
10. Do you crave a drink at a definite time of day?
11. Do you want a drink the next morning?
12. Does drinking cause you to have difficulty in sleeping?
13. Has your efficiency decreased since drinking?
14. Is drinking jeopardizing your job or business?
15. Do you drink to escape from worries or trouble?
16. Do you drink alone?
17. Have you ever had a complete loss of memory as a result of drinking?
18. Has your physician ever treated you for drinking?
19. Do you drink to build up your self-confidence?
20. Have you ever been to a hospital or institution on account of drinking?
If you have answered YES to any one of the questions, there is a definite warning that you may be an alcoholic.
If you have answered YES to any two, the chances are that you are an alcoholic.
If you have answered YES to three or more, you are definitely an alcoholic.
(These questions were made up by Dr. Robert V. Seliger for use at John Hopkins University Hospital, Baltimore, MD, in deciding whether a patient is alcoholic.)
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