Leaving AA
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Murrieta, Ca
Posts: 2,683
Music- I agree to a point. What you say is easier said then done. Espeically for a shakin' , pukin' , scared s***less newcomer. If I wasn't warmly welcomed and approached in my 2nd meeting, I might not have made it.
Nuudawn- Knowing what I know now, if I couldn't find a good meeting near me, I'd consider moving. Well, except for that no major changes thing.
Maybe you just have to show up routinely. Some cliques are like that, and will only accept you after some time goes by.
Nuudawn- Knowing what I know now, if I couldn't find a good meeting near me, I'd consider moving. Well, except for that no major changes thing.
Maybe you just have to show up routinely. Some cliques are like that, and will only accept you after some time goes by.
.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: Zion, Illinois
Posts: 3,411
Originally Posted by GlassPrisoner 
Music- I agree to a point. What you say is easier said then done. Espeically for a shakin' , pukin' , scared s***less newcomer. If I wasn't warmly welcomed and approached in my 2nd meeting, I might not have made it.
Shouldn't be a problem after 3.5 months. I moved around some too and meetings were never the same as the place I sobered up, but it just means I've got to work a little at it.
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
Music I quite appreciate your straight between the eyes approach....but given my headspace this very moment, I'd rather pull your hair really hard. I'm in "wah wah" mode..and I know it.
I am so grateful for all this input...which is why I posted. I want to give up ..I want to think I can do it on my own rather than get thru my own resistance to this change. I am open. As posted earlier, I am going to a meeting tonight. I don't know anything for certain at this point other than my gratitude for all you folks here. I may have lost one community..but I still have this one.
I am so grateful for all this input...which is why I posted. I want to give up ..I want to think I can do it on my own rather than get thru my own resistance to this change. I am open. As posted earlier, I am going to a meeting tonight. I don't know anything for certain at this point other than my gratitude for all you folks here. I may have lost one community..but I still have this one.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: Zion, Illinois
Posts: 3,411
I'm glad to hear you're going to a meeting tonight. Do me a favor and just try going up to someone who looks like they feel as bad as you do and introduce yourself and just let that person know you're glad to see them.
PS...I don't have any hair but you're welcome to give me one of those Three Stooges slaps on the bald spot if it'll help you to feel better....LOL!
PS...I don't have any hair but you're welcome to give me one of those Three Stooges slaps on the bald spot if it'll help you to feel better....LOL!
Coffee Drinker
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Lobstah Land
Posts: 1,122
Hi Dawn,
If I remember right you said that there are many at these meetings who have recently been incarcerated, I copied in a msg I put in a previous thread that I originally wrote about sponsors, here because It might apply. I think that cliques may form for similar reasons. Hope it makes some sense!
If there is a meeting that you are (almost) always able to get to you might offer to make the coffee. I made a lot of coffee. It's a good way to meet people and it shows them that you are serious. Unfortunately, there are many who come to AA for a short time and then are never seen again. Often folks who are mandated by the courts.
This seems (in my opinion) to have led to some resistance among many people who are in a position to sponsor. You see, many programs that are external to AA require people to get an AA sponsor and to join a group. Programs like after care or outpatient counseling. They can't really be blamed because what they are attempting to do is get their patients embedded in AA so the person has something going for them when the outpatient care is ended. These professionals know that the only continuing long term solution for most people is AA. The unfortunate truth is that many of these people have no desire to stay sober and are only doing what they are told to get someone off their backs, be it the court, their family, their employer, etc. and as soon as they fulfill whatever obligation they have, they run as fast as they can away from AA and right back to where they really want to be. They are simply not serious about sobriety. It has long been said that no power on earth can keep an alcoholic away from booze if they are determined to drink.
After someone agrees to sponsor newcomer number 28 and that newcomer never calls, and disappears in a few weeks like all the others, an attitude seems to appear where the sponsor becomes perhaps gun-shy and only really wants to sponsor someone who is already demonstrating a true and sincere desire to remain clean and sober. Hey, you can’t really blame them, they are human too and rejection hurts.
Unfortunately there are those who will prey on the vulnerable newcomer. These people are truly sick and should be given a very wide berth. The long timers who run the meetings know exactly who these people are and will seer you well clear of them.
The people that are there early and that stay late and that put in the effort to make sure that the meeting is there, these people want the hand of AA to always be there and by their quiet unselfish effort, the meeting is there for all who want or need it.
So by offering to make coffee, or staying after a meeting and helping clean up, or just by coming early and hanging out and talking to the people who are there doing the unselfish work, you will demonstrate through your actions that you indeed are serious about sobriety.
This simple action will most surely attract the type of sponsor that you are looking for.
This started as a short simple reply but turned out a bit long.
With hope,
Ted
If I remember right you said that there are many at these meetings who have recently been incarcerated, I copied in a msg I put in a previous thread that I originally wrote about sponsors, here because It might apply. I think that cliques may form for similar reasons. Hope it makes some sense!
If there is a meeting that you are (almost) always able to get to you might offer to make the coffee. I made a lot of coffee. It's a good way to meet people and it shows them that you are serious. Unfortunately, there are many who come to AA for a short time and then are never seen again. Often folks who are mandated by the courts.
This seems (in my opinion) to have led to some resistance among many people who are in a position to sponsor. You see, many programs that are external to AA require people to get an AA sponsor and to join a group. Programs like after care or outpatient counseling. They can't really be blamed because what they are attempting to do is get their patients embedded in AA so the person has something going for them when the outpatient care is ended. These professionals know that the only continuing long term solution for most people is AA. The unfortunate truth is that many of these people have no desire to stay sober and are only doing what they are told to get someone off their backs, be it the court, their family, their employer, etc. and as soon as they fulfill whatever obligation they have, they run as fast as they can away from AA and right back to where they really want to be. They are simply not serious about sobriety. It has long been said that no power on earth can keep an alcoholic away from booze if they are determined to drink.
After someone agrees to sponsor newcomer number 28 and that newcomer never calls, and disappears in a few weeks like all the others, an attitude seems to appear where the sponsor becomes perhaps gun-shy and only really wants to sponsor someone who is already demonstrating a true and sincere desire to remain clean and sober. Hey, you can’t really blame them, they are human too and rejection hurts.
Unfortunately there are those who will prey on the vulnerable newcomer. These people are truly sick and should be given a very wide berth. The long timers who run the meetings know exactly who these people are and will seer you well clear of them.
The people that are there early and that stay late and that put in the effort to make sure that the meeting is there, these people want the hand of AA to always be there and by their quiet unselfish effort, the meeting is there for all who want or need it.
So by offering to make coffee, or staying after a meeting and helping clean up, or just by coming early and hanging out and talking to the people who are there doing the unselfish work, you will demonstrate through your actions that you indeed are serious about sobriety.
This simple action will most surely attract the type of sponsor that you are looking for.
This started as a short simple reply but turned out a bit long.
With hope,
Ted
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: brooklyn, new york
Posts: 1,639
well, i've seen groups chjange
you can start
take a committment
coffee, chairperson
ask new speakers to come in
be a greeter
give your name to newcomers
it will take time
but
you will the example
who knows
it may rub off on others
best
fraankie
you can start
take a committment
coffee, chairperson
ask new speakers to come in
be a greeter
give your name to newcomers
it will take time
but
you will the example
who knows
it may rub off on others
best
fraankie
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 2,126
Hey Nuudawn --
As I said in another recent post....even though you may be new to recovery yourself, and perhaps even still working on the first step.....as a newcomer I was told that I could work 'at' all the steps that begin with '1' which would include '1' '10' '11' and '12.' ..... which leads me to this.....
As others have said in this post.....perhaps you can be the one reaching out your hand to those other newcomers in the meetings you've been attending so that maybe they won't feel too alone .... and it'll help you too.....
Just remember what it says in the BB, in the first couple of paragraphs of Chapter 7, Working with Others (page 89):
"Practical experience shows that nothing will so much insure immunity from drinking as intensive work with other alcoholics. It works when other activities fail. This is our twelfth suggestion: Carry this message to other alcoholics! You can help when no one else can. You can secure their confidence when other fail. Remember they are very ill.
"Life will take on new meaning. To watch people recover, to see them help others, to watch loneliness vanish, to see a fellowship grow up about you, to have a host of friends -- this is an experience you must not miss. We know you will not want to miss it. Frequent contact with newcomers and with each other is the bright spot of our lives..."
......Just a thought, mind you ..... (o:
NoelleR
As I said in another recent post....even though you may be new to recovery yourself, and perhaps even still working on the first step.....as a newcomer I was told that I could work 'at' all the steps that begin with '1' which would include '1' '10' '11' and '12.' ..... which leads me to this.....
As others have said in this post.....perhaps you can be the one reaching out your hand to those other newcomers in the meetings you've been attending so that maybe they won't feel too alone .... and it'll help you too.....
Just remember what it says in the BB, in the first couple of paragraphs of Chapter 7, Working with Others (page 89):
"Practical experience shows that nothing will so much insure immunity from drinking as intensive work with other alcoholics. It works when other activities fail. This is our twelfth suggestion: Carry this message to other alcoholics! You can help when no one else can. You can secure their confidence when other fail. Remember they are very ill.
"Life will take on new meaning. To watch people recover, to see them help others, to watch loneliness vanish, to see a fellowship grow up about you, to have a host of friends -- this is an experience you must not miss. We know you will not want to miss it. Frequent contact with newcomers and with each other is the bright spot of our lives..."
......Just a thought, mind you ..... (o:
NoelleR
Late stage optimist
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Auburn, WA
Posts: 306
Where'd you get the idea that there is a rule that states: "only things that feel good are good for you"? That is exactly the attitude we all have in active addiction and alcoholism. That is what I hear. "I have given meetings a mere 3.5 months of my - what, umpteen years of active addiction/alcoholism, and I don't like it, and of course, my ideas for getting sober always were so successful, so now I can exercise independent judgment and just do it my own way". Yeah, right. Heard that before.....but they all went back out and did more research for the rest of us.
I had to shop around for meetings I was comfortable in, but really was not comfortable in meetings until I had a year or so of sobriety. Prior to two years of sobriety I did not trust my own judgment to guide me in choosing my recovery path, and I took the advice of treatment and persons at AA meetings who had a lot more sobriety than I had. It worked. Did I feel like I fit in? Yes, I did after about 4 months (more than you have now, it sounds like). Waiting for everyone to do what you expect to make you feel warm and fuzzy is exactly the waiting game you play when you are active in addiction or alcoholism. Try sticking it out a few years before you throw in the towel. What do you have to lose? Maybe your misery?
If you feel some real bad discomfort at meetings, I suggest you may need to get a mental health evaluation to see if you have an underlying mental health disorder. That is not meant as an insult, but rather a reality check, since lots of people don't know they have a mental health disorder until they stop drinking or taking drugs, and it may be that being around large groups of people triggers the disorder. If that indeed is the case, you may have a lot of trouble staying sober very long until you get help on the mental health side of the equation.
I had to shop around for meetings I was comfortable in, but really was not comfortable in meetings until I had a year or so of sobriety. Prior to two years of sobriety I did not trust my own judgment to guide me in choosing my recovery path, and I took the advice of treatment and persons at AA meetings who had a lot more sobriety than I had. It worked. Did I feel like I fit in? Yes, I did after about 4 months (more than you have now, it sounds like). Waiting for everyone to do what you expect to make you feel warm and fuzzy is exactly the waiting game you play when you are active in addiction or alcoholism. Try sticking it out a few years before you throw in the towel. What do you have to lose? Maybe your misery?
If you feel some real bad discomfort at meetings, I suggest you may need to get a mental health evaluation to see if you have an underlying mental health disorder. That is not meant as an insult, but rather a reality check, since lots of people don't know they have a mental health disorder until they stop drinking or taking drugs, and it may be that being around large groups of people triggers the disorder. If that indeed is the case, you may have a lot of trouble staying sober very long until you get help on the mental health side of the equation.
cunning. baffling. powerful.
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: NY
Posts: 183
Originally Posted by Nuudawn
I want to give up ..I want to think I can do it on my own rather than get thru my own resistance to this change.
I had a terrible time when I first joined AA. I was one of those newcomers that nobody talked to before or after meetings. I stood around while everybody chatted feeling like the dork at the party that didn't know anyone. I didn't know how anything worked and even when I asked, people never fully explained things which is how I think I ended up with a sponsor who stole from me and then disappeared. I thought sponsors were assigned to you - I didn't even realize I had a choice.
I've only just started to "click" with my local AA group in the last week and I've been attending meetings regularly for over 4 months now. During those months I got plenty frustrated and tried a lot of different tactics - I quoted that particular line because probably the one that worked out the most poorly for me was after I caught a classmate stealing my work and I literaly said exactly what you did.
I had a lot of trust in her and she asked to see a lab report I'd done. Then she handed it in as her own work! I was ... flabbergasted and for about 2 weeks simply lost faith in all humanity. And in my journal I wrote in huge letters "I give up!" because not only did I never want to share work with another classmate again, I just couldn't imagine how a room full of alcoholics was going to help me with anything - I knew from experience that drunk or sober, they're a bunch of liars and manipulators. So I quit AA too. And while I was at it, I decided that this sobriety thing was crap since I liked drinking and everybody sucked. (See where this is going?)
In the end, I realized that I was the one who needed an attitude adjustment. Yes, my friend had done the wrong thing, but my reaction wasn't right either. I returned to AA and whenever there was someone new, I made sure to go say hi. I couldn't make coffee because it was already made, but I started also going to the chair and personally thanking them for their lead and for running the meeting.
It was after I started doing those things that my experiences at meetings started to change for the better.
Good luck and I'm glad you're keeping an open mind.
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
I'm getting exactly what I was hoping for from this post...encouragement, support and some hardass, cut to the core insight. Love it. Fuster I appreciate your input..but my "wah wah" resistance to change and discomfort and awkwardness is probably more normal than not to the human psyche and I don't think indicates a mental health issue.
I went to a meeting tonight...and it was a good one. For the first time I left feeling better than when I came. I honestly shared my struggle and resistance and the feeling of being lost. I also heard some wonderful sharing..there were a couple others there as well who were new to this city's program as they had started recovery elsewhere.
I will perserve..and yes, extend myself rather than pout in the corner over the warm and fuzzy crowd I left out east.
I went to a meeting tonight...and it was a good one. For the first time I left feeling better than when I came. I honestly shared my struggle and resistance and the feeling of being lost. I also heard some wonderful sharing..there were a couple others there as well who were new to this city's program as they had started recovery elsewhere.
I will perserve..and yes, extend myself rather than pout in the corner over the warm and fuzzy crowd I left out east.
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
*whew*
I'm glad things are turning around for you Nu ...
this has been good reading.
and SOOooo makes me appreciate this home group here even more.
I'll never forget my first time coming into the AA meeting house here.
I'm sure I had the classic 'deer in headlights' look like so many others I've seen. (I'm talking my first trip here five years ago)
One fella got up and came over to where I was sitting (I was early and had to wait for the meeting to end upstairs) got me a cup of coffee, introduced himself ... and started talking.
Not ... 'oh yeah, this is AA we're so cool and this is what we expect of you' or any of that 'church' stuff we ALL expect our first time.
He just ... hung out and talked.
Had he not done that for me ...
I could well have walked right back out that door ... to my death.
Maybe it's the years bartending, but when you walk in at this place here, if we know your name, we call it out and greet you. The minute you hit the door. If *I* don't know you - I ask the closest person to me if THEY'VE ever seen you before. If not - or if a newcomer comes in, and I see that no one has gone over to greet them, I get my own hiney up and go over.
I do exactly what was done for me that first oh so scary night my first time in AA five years ago. That one act of kindness and compassion probably did as much to save this life as all the meetings I've attended since.
Thank you for bringing that memory back up to the front of my mind tonight. I needed to think about something other than my own 'doodoo' right about now.
I'm glad things are turning around for you Nu ...
this has been good reading.
and SOOooo makes me appreciate this home group here even more.
I'll never forget my first time coming into the AA meeting house here.
I'm sure I had the classic 'deer in headlights' look like so many others I've seen. (I'm talking my first trip here five years ago)
One fella got up and came over to where I was sitting (I was early and had to wait for the meeting to end upstairs) got me a cup of coffee, introduced himself ... and started talking.
Not ... 'oh yeah, this is AA we're so cool and this is what we expect of you' or any of that 'church' stuff we ALL expect our first time.
He just ... hung out and talked.
Had he not done that for me ...
I could well have walked right back out that door ... to my death.
Maybe it's the years bartending, but when you walk in at this place here, if we know your name, we call it out and greet you. The minute you hit the door. If *I* don't know you - I ask the closest person to me if THEY'VE ever seen you before. If not - or if a newcomer comes in, and I see that no one has gone over to greet them, I get my own hiney up and go over.
I do exactly what was done for me that first oh so scary night my first time in AA five years ago. That one act of kindness and compassion probably did as much to save this life as all the meetings I've attended since.
Thank you for bringing that memory back up to the front of my mind tonight. I needed to think about something other than my own 'doodoo' right about now.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Anytown, USA
Posts: 264
Originally Posted by Nuudawn
I'm getting exactly what I was hoping for from this post...encouragement, support and some hardass, cut to the core insight. Love it. Fuster I appreciate your input..but my "wah wah" resistance to change and discomfort and awkwardness is probably more normal than not to the human psyche and I don't think indicates a mental health issue.
I went to a meeting tonight...and it was a good one. For the first time I left feeling better than when I came. I honestly shared my struggle and resistance and the feeling of being lost. I also heard some wonderful sharing..there were a couple others there as well who were new to this city's program as they had started recovery elsewhere.
I will perserve..and yes, extend myself rather than pout in the corner over the warm and fuzzy crowd I left out east.
I went to a meeting tonight...and it was a good one. For the first time I left feeling better than when I came. I honestly shared my struggle and resistance and the feeling of being lost. I also heard some wonderful sharing..there were a couple others there as well who were new to this city's program as they had started recovery elsewhere.
I will perserve..and yes, extend myself rather than pout in the corner over the warm and fuzzy crowd I left out east.
Hooray I just read this! Glad you are reaching out. It's hard for me sometimes... I had isolated for so long... it was my way of life. Anything that felt like the slightest bit of risk was foreign to me. I had to relearn how to be a social human being again. xxoo Glad you are well.
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