Nuudawn

I'm having a real problem with AA. Those familiar with my posts know I have changed city and province. I have been to a least a half dozen different meetings in this city and I simply don't like them. I feel worse when I leave then when I came. The members here seem incredibly cold and hell, almost ingenuine. I haven't heard a share yet that seems "genuine". Whether they are a week, a year or ten years sober...they talks as if they are fully recovered. Nobody struggles. There is no intimacy or outstretched arms. Nobody is friendly. The program is simply "cliquey" here. I spoke to a friend of mine who said that she finds church here much the same way.

Here they ask at the start of the meeting if there are any newcomers. People pipe up yet I haven't seen one person approach these people after meeting. They shuffle off into the night likely as lonely as when they came. In my last city, people were constantly making connection and shoving phone numbers into each others hands.

I'm 3.5 months sober and I truly think I'm gonna give up on the program and go it with SR and my HP.

Debaucher

Do you think your HP would want you to turn your back on those who in your opinion are going to AA in search of help and not recieving it?

--- edit--- that sounds pretty criticle... sorry... perhaps they need you as much as you need them...

BTW... I don't blame you for having those feelings... I have had them myself when I went to a couple of meetings...

I am lucky I found one that agrees with me... GL

free-at-last

The very last two words "we", as recovering addicts, need in our vocabulary are "give up". From your post I was expecting you to say that you had atleast two or more years sober. Then you go on to say that you have 3 and a half months. An AWESOME amount of time sober, I should say.....but, not NEARLY enough time to 'give up' on anything.

Talluleh

Can you start your own group/chapter?? The 'friendly' version?

I'm sorry Nuudawn, that really sucks.

Nuudawn

I hear your point Debaucher...thank you. And Free-at-last...I dunno. I may just give it a rest right now. I hate that I feel so lousy after each meeting. I'm going thru a lot right now and I feel slapped in the head whenever I go. I'm not strong enough at the moment to feel so damn disappointed. It's hindering my spirit at the moment. I just might need some time to reassess.

Rowan

How about you being the one to approach the newcomers after the meeting? I know that you are new, also, but maybe these people need someone else to show them how it works. You might start a chain of really great things. Hang in there my friend.

stone

Hi Nuudawn that sucks, I know you loved AA when you lived elsewhere. Are there any meetings there that you could try that you haven't been to yet? Or perhaps try the ones you didn't like a couple more times before you give up maybe more than a couple, just fake it for a while and see if something improves. You could look into other types of support group too maybe.

jbit

That does suck, but whatever you do, keep going back.

Rowan is right, you should take the initiative and greet the newcomers. Who cares if you only have 3.5 months.

Do you have a sponsor in your new area?

Carol87

Early in recovery I had so much trouble until I stopped looking for the differences and looked for the similarities ... Much to my surprise it all changed when I took the initiative to reach out or share. Service work, such as pouring coffee, readings, chairing meetings really helps me feel 'part of' ...

This makes me think of people who have left my location and moved to a different city ... without fail, the common thread is "AA just isn't like it is in xxxxxx" but after going to meetings for a period of time, they come to love the program in their new location.

miss communicat

DEar Nuudawn,

I feel as if I could have wriiten this.

I totally relate with having a hard time getting much out of AA.

But here is what I am doing to deal with the fact that my sobriety is the most important thing in my life and that I will not give the power to ruin it over to any person or group of people whose personalities I cannot appreciate, in or out of AA.

1. I come to SR daily and read the varying perspectives of recovery and come to understand more and more every time, about those who may appear obnoxious, aloof, and indifferent.

2.I keep going to meetings, because I am experimenting with the concept that maybe I AM totally selfish, self centered and self important and that I want things in my life...including AA...to contain all of the elements that I deem to be lovely, spiritual and nurturing. For me.

I am trying out being those qualities for others..so I go to GROW.

OOPs. I need to run now.

But consider taking a break, but keeping open

Golfman

So sorry you're having this kind of difficulty. I would read what Carol said above...look for similarites, not differences.

However, IMHO, just as a good attitude can spread joy, so a bad attitude can spread misery and loniness.

I have to believe there's a friendly group somewhere around where you live now. I will say that I had been going to the same group for almost 4 years when things got so negative I left. I tried my best to stick with them because there were many sick people there, but couldn't bring myself to do it. I'm not boasting here, but with all the giving I was doing my spiritual bank account was running low. I needed something for me as well. I wasn't being fed spiritually. I don't often think about that, but there is a time when I have to take care of me.

I hope you find another group that will be friendly.

Yours in sobriety,
Ed

CarolD

Mega Hugs and Prayers for your peace of mind.

I think this is a good example of
"no major changes" in early sobriety.
Not to say you did move on a whim or
without good reason...
but it often upsets ones balance.

This decision does not have to be etched
in marble.
I suggest you try and see how you progress.
You might do fine or not.
I have no crystal ball.

I've been doing AA recovery a long time
and I know I can't cajole or convince anyone.

You are always welcome with us...AA or XYZ.

GrouchoTheCat

Hi Dawn,

I am really sorry that you can't seem to find a meeting(s) you like.

The only thing I can even think of is the loner AA program. I think it was started when early aa folks had to go away to war and couldn't attend meetings.

I know that it was done with letters and snail mail, when I was in the service, a friend of mine belonged and he really enjoyed those letters.

I do like Tal's idea, say to heck with em and start your oun meeting!

Hope you find a solution,

(((HUGS)))

Ted

newday117

Nuudawn, like Rowan said-- maybe YOU could be the one to say hello, introduce yourself to the other newcomers... I have done that at some meetings I found to be on the 'cold' side, and I gotta say, I think me extending a greeting to another person makes me feel good too, so that might be the kind of thing you need to bring yourself 'out of self'. Just a thought. Good luck, and hang in there.

CarolD

Oh Yes...Please refresh you memory on

http://www.tlctx.com/ar_pages/paw_part1.htm

Blessings

Nuudawn

Thank you all. As suggested, I will remain open. I'm actually going to a meeting tonight with a dear friend's husband who is an addictions counsellor here in the area. I will discuss my concerns with him. He recovered in AA here but actually no longer attends other than to bring people on occasion. He was in the program many years but has found he is much too busy now to be of much service other than his continuing work with alcoholics and addicts thru employment.
As far as no major changes..I certainly understand..but believe me, had I not left I would have drank. I know that.

leeside

You shouldn't have to go through hell just to help someone get sober. It sure don't seem like it is helping you stay sober. Like Ta said you can start your own . The library has meeting rooms you can reserve free to have meetings (not sure about Canada though).

SaTiT

AA also thought me not to take other people's inventory too.

Nuudawn

SaTIT..I'm really not sure who your comment is directed at. If it's me...this is simply about how "I feel". AA has taught me that I am allowed to "feel" and express myself which is what I'm doing. I am not taking anyone's inventory here.

Music

When I go to an AA meeting, I don't go expecting to 'get' as much as to 'give.' I'm not so important that people should feel obligated to jump up and run over to introduce themselves to me. That's my job, and that's what I give. I look around to see if I can see someone who looks like he needs someone to say "hi, glad to see you." When I go with this attitude, I never leave wanting, or thinking I didn't get anything from the meeting. Sometimes others need to see the example of what sobriety can accomplish, as well as hear ES&H. Try it.