Self-Esteem and beginning the 12 steps
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 3
Self-Esteem and beginning the 12 steps
Hi all -
I was wondering if I could get some advice - I’m at about 70 days, I have a sponsor and am going through the steps - and I find myself getting more and more depressed as I do it… I’m a pretty good guy who was able to hide my alcoholism from others - but I have really low self-esteem - my mind keeps telling me negative things about myself and that others are thinking negatively about me - and it’s always been that way...
It seems though that the steps have just been reinforcing this - and I know I’m not supposed to be thinking this way… But I have just been given instructions for a sexual inventory - and the beginning of the instructions were “look at each sex encounter and relationship and examine who I have hurt, describe how I was at fault, detail where I was selfish, dishonest and inconsiderate…” Is the implication that each sex encounter and relationship that I’ve had means I’ve hurt somebody and that there’s fault and blame involved?
It’s like each part of the process is almost telling me I’m a piece of crap, my mind does this well enough as it is… I’ve prayed for right thought and action, as I’ve been told to do - with no avail or relief - and I’m almost at the point of leaving.
So I was just wondering if anybody else has struggled with low self-esteem and doing the steps in this fashion - and might have some advice on not getting so down on myself and this process...
Thanks
I was wondering if I could get some advice - I’m at about 70 days, I have a sponsor and am going through the steps - and I find myself getting more and more depressed as I do it… I’m a pretty good guy who was able to hide my alcoholism from others - but I have really low self-esteem - my mind keeps telling me negative things about myself and that others are thinking negatively about me - and it’s always been that way...
It seems though that the steps have just been reinforcing this - and I know I’m not supposed to be thinking this way… But I have just been given instructions for a sexual inventory - and the beginning of the instructions were “look at each sex encounter and relationship and examine who I have hurt, describe how I was at fault, detail where I was selfish, dishonest and inconsiderate…” Is the implication that each sex encounter and relationship that I’ve had means I’ve hurt somebody and that there’s fault and blame involved?
It’s like each part of the process is almost telling me I’m a piece of crap, my mind does this well enough as it is… I’ve prayed for right thought and action, as I’ve been told to do - with no avail or relief - and I’m almost at the point of leaving.
So I was just wondering if anybody else has struggled with low self-esteem and doing the steps in this fashion - and might have some advice on not getting so down on myself and this process...
Thanks
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Kansas
Posts: 3,937
Um, all of us. I diced myself to ribbons when I first did the steps.The person I was telling it to repeated just a little of it back to me and I wanted to punch him in the throat. It took a while but one thing is that I could see all the harm, the unnecessary harm, I was doing to myself on a daily basis.
12-Step Recovered Alkie
Join Date: May 2010
Location: West Bloomfield, MI
Posts: 5,797
I would have said low self-esteem was crippling to me when I was new. With the clarity of hindsight I can now see that low self esteem was precisely what I had but I was wrong on WHY I had it.
See, I had this vision of myself as a good guy, a stand up guy, very caring and willing to share, along with a number of other pleasant descriptors. While they were, in fact, partially true I also knew deep down that they were far more partially true than actually true. What I'd become was someone who believed he was good at hiding my defects and was instead very adept at discovering what other ppl wanted or expected out of me and then becoming that person when they were around so they'd like and respect me. I wasn't hardly ever true to myself or my real self - I was an actor who's stage was life. Pretend you're a 100 different people all week and anyone will have low self esteem because they never really are themselves.
I also learned by doing a fair amount of inventory (not all of this was written in 4 column fashion though that IS the proper way to write it) that what I thought was LOW self esteem was actually the way one feels when they have overly HIGH self esteem which isn't realistic. When I think I'm frickin awesome in every way...I'm bound to fall short sooner or later (much more often it's sooner rather than later, trust me). When I fall short of these overly optimistic expectations guess what happens? I feel bad about myself...and that looks and feels like low self esteem.
The process of working the 12 steps is at least partially designed to wake us up. For me, that process of waking up and beginning to see myself as I really was wasn't pleasant. I felt bad about myself, about what I'd done, about what I was doing and not doing, and so forth. Historically, I would avoid painful exercises so the exercise of working the steps, waking up, seeing myself as I am, admitting to my personal reality....it was VERY unsettling - to put it mildly.
For me, continuing the process of the 12 steps - actually engaging in the program (vs just not drinking and trying to make the best of my life the best I knew how) required a deeper 1st step than I had when I arrived. It demanded I revisit the second half of the first step and then from there to redefine my beliefs in step 2 - where I come to believe and trust in some power other than ME and my intellect.
Like I said above, historically I'd avoid pain and do whatever I could to experience pleasure (drinking was just one of MANY examples of this sort of behavior). Steps 1 and 2 had me looking at just how my technique for living had worked and, with that proof in hand, to then consider that there may be a better way. From there, 3 is easy because it's a decision to try another path.
While the steps are most frequently applied to drinking....they're applicable to our whole life and in my opinion, that's where they really make a difference. If I wanted more than to stop drinking and live a potentially miserable life, I'd likely have to apply the same steps to my ways of living and see how they work. So, when I'm feeling down, or depressed, or like working the program doesn't "seem" to feel good it's simple to look at how my decisions to seek comfort and pleasure have worked, gain some willingness to believe there may be a better way, decide to try it (this "other" way...such as continue to work the program) and then take actions that scare me, don't necessarily feel good, or look like they'll work .....even if I'm just "acting as if" throughout the process. My experience from doing that has been that the self esteem issues tend to drift away - maybe not fully but to a large extent.
Point being - keep going. You'll likely "feel" a lot of unpleasant things as you progress through the steps and as you grow spiritually. Getting good at most anything new requires that we, at first, do it poorly until we practice it enough to get good at it. That's how we grow, how we advance. We discover what isn't working then try something new - something unfamiliar. If what we'd been doing FELT good but wasn't working doesn't it stand to reason that what WILL work will likely feel not-so-good......at least at first?
See, I had this vision of myself as a good guy, a stand up guy, very caring and willing to share, along with a number of other pleasant descriptors. While they were, in fact, partially true I also knew deep down that they were far more partially true than actually true. What I'd become was someone who believed he was good at hiding my defects and was instead very adept at discovering what other ppl wanted or expected out of me and then becoming that person when they were around so they'd like and respect me. I wasn't hardly ever true to myself or my real self - I was an actor who's stage was life. Pretend you're a 100 different people all week and anyone will have low self esteem because they never really are themselves.
I also learned by doing a fair amount of inventory (not all of this was written in 4 column fashion though that IS the proper way to write it) that what I thought was LOW self esteem was actually the way one feels when they have overly HIGH self esteem which isn't realistic. When I think I'm frickin awesome in every way...I'm bound to fall short sooner or later (much more often it's sooner rather than later, trust me). When I fall short of these overly optimistic expectations guess what happens? I feel bad about myself...and that looks and feels like low self esteem.
The process of working the 12 steps is at least partially designed to wake us up. For me, that process of waking up and beginning to see myself as I really was wasn't pleasant. I felt bad about myself, about what I'd done, about what I was doing and not doing, and so forth. Historically, I would avoid painful exercises so the exercise of working the steps, waking up, seeing myself as I am, admitting to my personal reality....it was VERY unsettling - to put it mildly.
For me, continuing the process of the 12 steps - actually engaging in the program (vs just not drinking and trying to make the best of my life the best I knew how) required a deeper 1st step than I had when I arrived. It demanded I revisit the second half of the first step and then from there to redefine my beliefs in step 2 - where I come to believe and trust in some power other than ME and my intellect.
Like I said above, historically I'd avoid pain and do whatever I could to experience pleasure (drinking was just one of MANY examples of this sort of behavior). Steps 1 and 2 had me looking at just how my technique for living had worked and, with that proof in hand, to then consider that there may be a better way. From there, 3 is easy because it's a decision to try another path.
While the steps are most frequently applied to drinking....they're applicable to our whole life and in my opinion, that's where they really make a difference. If I wanted more than to stop drinking and live a potentially miserable life, I'd likely have to apply the same steps to my ways of living and see how they work. So, when I'm feeling down, or depressed, or like working the program doesn't "seem" to feel good it's simple to look at how my decisions to seek comfort and pleasure have worked, gain some willingness to believe there may be a better way, decide to try it (this "other" way...such as continue to work the program) and then take actions that scare me, don't necessarily feel good, or look like they'll work .....even if I'm just "acting as if" throughout the process. My experience from doing that has been that the self esteem issues tend to drift away - maybe not fully but to a large extent.
Point being - keep going. You'll likely "feel" a lot of unpleasant things as you progress through the steps and as you grow spiritually. Getting good at most anything new requires that we, at first, do it poorly until we practice it enough to get good at it. That's how we grow, how we advance. We discover what isn't working then try something new - something unfamiliar. If what we'd been doing FELT good but wasn't working doesn't it stand to reason that what WILL work will likely feel not-so-good......at least at first?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Yes - that part is difficult for many of us. But it is the step that helps us recognise WHY we keep repeating the same mistakes over and over, so then we get to change it. It's not about being a bad person - it's about recognising that we all share defects of character that drive us. Now I have been able to recognise just how driven I was by fear, my pride and arrogance, etc. and have used this information to move forward.
It isn't the most comfortable of steps to take, but it really is worth all the effort and discomfort.
There are some great speaker recordings available for when you're working these steps. It's not about beating yourself up. It's about acceptance and self-honesty that allows us to grow.
AA Step 4 Speaker Tapes | RecoveryAudio.org
Good luck - and keep going. It'll all be worth it
It isn't the most comfortable of steps to take, but it really is worth all the effort and discomfort.
There are some great speaker recordings available for when you're working these steps. It's not about beating yourself up. It's about acceptance and self-honesty that allows us to grow.
AA Step 4 Speaker Tapes | RecoveryAudio.org
Good luck - and keep going. It'll all be worth it
Sober Alcoholic
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,539
I think you are reading things into what's being asked. It says "look at each sex encounter and relationship and examine who I have hurt, describe how I was at fault, detail where I was selfish, dishonest and inconsiderate…”
It does not say that you hurt people in each and every sex encounter. It's asking you to examine them. So examine them. It would be hard for me to imagine a relationship of any significant duration, where SOME sort of harm was not done... by both people.
The point of this is to assess the damage you have actually done to others, and to clean it up (in a later step). Once you have done this there should be no reason to berate yourself.
I have a hunch that much (and perhaps close to all) of what you so harshly judge yourself about is inaccurate. It might be a good idea to make your sponsor aware of your tendency to do this. A therapist might also be able to help you change this pattern of thinking, which no doubt is contributing to your depression.
Just be accurate when you examine relationships.
It does not say that you hurt people in each and every sex encounter. It's asking you to examine them. So examine them. It would be hard for me to imagine a relationship of any significant duration, where SOME sort of harm was not done... by both people.
The point of this is to assess the damage you have actually done to others, and to clean it up (in a later step). Once you have done this there should be no reason to berate yourself.
I have a hunch that much (and perhaps close to all) of what you so harshly judge yourself about is inaccurate. It might be a good idea to make your sponsor aware of your tendency to do this. A therapist might also be able to help you change this pattern of thinking, which no doubt is contributing to your depression.
Just be accurate when you examine relationships.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 249
Yes, absolutely I dealt with very low self-esteem at the beginning. That's part of the disease really. When we put down the drink, we now have to deal with ourselves which is precisely why we were drinking in the first place! An old home group member of mine once said "if early sobriety were easy, then the amount of new people coming to AA would fill up a football stadium". It certainly wasn't easy for me. I remember beating myself up in front of everyone during many meetings. I really felt like I was a worthless piece of crap for a long time in sobriety.
I am 3 years sober and it was not until recently that I truly feel like I have much higher self-esteem these days. I realize that it's because I've been progressing through the steps again with a new sponsor. The 4th step was a nasty one for me but it resulted in an amazing spiritual experience for me when I did the 5th step with my first sponsor.
But it doesn't have to be that way for you. The lesson I learned is that it doesn't matter how much time you have in sobriety ... the question every day for me is am I going through the 12 steps with a sponsor and actually working on them? That has always been tied to my happiness and self-esteem even if I don't think so for a while (in fact, I always think it isn't until my sponsor or someone else has to point that out to me).
Get some service commitments at meetings and get lots of numbers so you can call people when you're feeling down. A big component of alcoholism is selfishness and self-centeredness. Doing these types of things will get us further away from that and closer to peace and serenity in our lives.
I am 3 years sober and it was not until recently that I truly feel like I have much higher self-esteem these days. I realize that it's because I've been progressing through the steps again with a new sponsor. The 4th step was a nasty one for me but it resulted in an amazing spiritual experience for me when I did the 5th step with my first sponsor.
But it doesn't have to be that way for you. The lesson I learned is that it doesn't matter how much time you have in sobriety ... the question every day for me is am I going through the 12 steps with a sponsor and actually working on them? That has always been tied to my happiness and self-esteem even if I don't think so for a while (in fact, I always think it isn't until my sponsor or someone else has to point that out to me).
Get some service commitments at meetings and get lots of numbers so you can call people when you're feeling down. A big component of alcoholism is selfishness and self-centeredness. Doing these types of things will get us further away from that and closer to peace and serenity in our lives.
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
Originally Posted by Joshca1 
Hi all -
It seems though that the steps have just been reinforcing this - and I know I’m not supposed to be thinking this way… But I have just been given instructions for a sexual inventory - and the beginning of the instructions were “look at each sex encounter and relationship and examine who I have hurt, describe how I was at fault, detail where I was selfish, dishonest and inconsiderate…” Is the implication that each sex encounter and relationship that I’ve had means I’ve hurt somebody and that there’s fault and blame involved?
It’s like each part of the process is almost telling me I’m a piece of crap, my mind does this well enough as it is… I’ve prayed for right thought and action, as I’ve been told to do - with no avail or relief - and I’m almost at the point of leaving.
So I was just wondering if anybody else has struggled with low self-esteem and doing the steps in this fashion - and might have some advice on not getting so down on myself and this process...
Thanks
It seems though that the steps have just been reinforcing this - and I know I’m not supposed to be thinking this way… But I have just been given instructions for a sexual inventory - and the beginning of the instructions were “look at each sex encounter and relationship and examine who I have hurt, describe how I was at fault, detail where I was selfish, dishonest and inconsiderate…” Is the implication that each sex encounter and relationship that I’ve had means I’ve hurt somebody and that there’s fault and blame involved?
It’s like each part of the process is almost telling me I’m a piece of crap, my mind does this well enough as it is… I’ve prayed for right thought and action, as I’ve been told to do - with no avail or relief - and I’m almost at the point of leaving.
So I was just wondering if anybody else has struggled with low self-esteem and doing the steps in this fashion - and might have some advice on not getting so down on myself and this process...
Thanks
Happily my sponsor took a different approach. We spent a full day on inventory, working through character defects from the Big Book list,
bible (seven deadly sins) and the hazeldine guide list. We discussed each defect and through that discussion I came to understand what it was and if and how it affected me and others. I came up with examples in my life that illustrated the harm created. Lust, selfishness, inconsideration, jealousy etc all came back to sex/harmful conduct, along with other issues. From this I was able to see the patterns and put my finger on my "grosser handicaps" which is the object of the fourth step.
This step brought a lot of understanding, but for me, the direct help of a compassionate and understanding sponsor was indispensable.
The next day I took the fifth with him and lost that dreadful sense of being the worst person ever to come to AA. I discovered I was just an ordinary alcoholic and what I had done were just normal alcohlic things. what a relief. Read the step 5 promises on page 75. You are only a few days away from realising them.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: glasgow scotland
Posts: 1,004
Hi Joshca.
Think its'' possible'' here you could be you wrong ? but the way I see it is if ? you admitted and accepted you were powerless over alcohol in 1 st step, then came to believe in step 2 . then next ?.
In the 3rd Step, I firmly believe that you'' must'' realize and accept that you were suffering from a 3 fold illness called alcoholism and it was responsible (not an excuse ) for making you say , do , act in a manner not acceptable to others when you ''took alcohol '' an illness not an excuse .
If you have made a 100% decision to ''completely '' turn your will and life over to God as you understand him ? then you must accept God has forgiven you , so why have you not forgiven yourself ? again this is not an excuse or an easy way out .
Step 4 ? if you 100% trust God and put it in his hands in 3 rd step , then ? your inventory should be thorough and ''fearless '' yet you are experiencing fear and discomfort and apprehension ? and that is before step 5 .
In 5th Step sharing with another human being should be ''straightforward '' but only if you have completely handed over your will and your life ,again in 3rd step , for me the 3rd step is the ''key '' to the whole program , it fully prepares us for what lies ahead and we should approach this without fear and apprehension
Don't know if this helps ? but its only by asking others that you receive some answers , you have been given great advice and suggestions so far by you sharing, and now others are caring . take care .
Regards .
Stevie .
Sobriety date 12 03 2006
Think its'' possible'' here you could be you wrong ? but the way I see it is if ? you admitted and accepted you were powerless over alcohol in 1 st step, then came to believe in step 2 . then next ?.
In the 3rd Step, I firmly believe that you'' must'' realize and accept that you were suffering from a 3 fold illness called alcoholism and it was responsible (not an excuse ) for making you say , do , act in a manner not acceptable to others when you ''took alcohol '' an illness not an excuse .
If you have made a 100% decision to ''completely '' turn your will and life over to God as you understand him ? then you must accept God has forgiven you , so why have you not forgiven yourself ? again this is not an excuse or an easy way out .
Step 4 ? if you 100% trust God and put it in his hands in 3 rd step , then ? your inventory should be thorough and ''fearless '' yet you are experiencing fear and discomfort and apprehension ? and that is before step 5 .
In 5th Step sharing with another human being should be ''straightforward '' but only if you have completely handed over your will and your life ,again in 3rd step , for me the 3rd step is the ''key '' to the whole program , it fully prepares us for what lies ahead and we should approach this without fear and apprehension
Don't know if this helps ? but its only by asking others that you receive some answers , you have been given great advice and suggestions so far by you sharing, and now others are caring . take care .
Regards .
Stevie .
Sobriety date 12 03 2006
Guest
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 600
One of the first things I heard in the rooms that stuck with me was this:
"We're not bad people getting good, we're sick people getting well."
I was also told by the same person who shared this: "Tell those negative thoughts in your mind, 'Thank you for sharing'" and move on.
And lastly this one: "Don't believe everything your mind says."
Be patient. When you can connect with God, you'll see that God is truth (and love) and the Ego/mind lies. And that you have a little voice in side of you that speaks truth. You'll be more able to hear it as you keep at it with prayer/meditation and action steps.
It's all good. Keep going.
"We're not bad people getting good, we're sick people getting well."
I was also told by the same person who shared this: "Tell those negative thoughts in your mind, 'Thank you for sharing'" and move on.
And lastly this one: "Don't believe everything your mind says."
Be patient. When you can connect with God, you'll see that God is truth (and love) and the Ego/mind lies. And that you have a little voice in side of you that speaks truth. You'll be more able to hear it as you keep at it with prayer/meditation and action steps.
It's all good. Keep going.
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,967
We are very self-centered people and those first three steps are very self centered.....step 4 helps us with humility (not humiliation, but humility) and step 5 helps us to begin to be other-centered......get to step 7....keep moving forward and reach out to the person with less time than you or even that person with more time and who needs someone to talk with or to have someone ask about them......begin to be useful to others.....
With hugs and love,
~SB
With hugs and love,
~SB
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 3
Originally Posted by awuh1
I think you are reading things into what's being asked. It says "look at each sex encounter and relationship and examine who I have hurt, describe how I was at fault, detail where I was selfish, dishonest and inconsiderate…”
It does not say that you hurt people in each and every sex encounter. It's asking you to examine them. So examine them. It would be hard for me to imagine a relationship of any significant duration, where SOME sort of harm was not done... by both people.
The point of this is to assess the damage you have actually done to others, and to clean it up (in a later step). Once you have done this there should be no reason to berate yourself.
I have a hunch that much (and perhaps close to all) of what you so harshly judge yourself about is inaccurate. It might be a good idea to make your sponsor aware of your tendency to do this. A therapist might also be able to help you change this pattern of thinking, which no doubt is contributing to your depression.
Just be accurate when you examine relationships.
It does not say that you hurt people in each and every sex encounter. It's asking you to examine them. So examine them. It would be hard for me to imagine a relationship of any significant duration, where SOME sort of harm was not done... by both people.
The point of this is to assess the damage you have actually done to others, and to clean it up (in a later step). Once you have done this there should be no reason to berate yourself.
I have a hunch that much (and perhaps close to all) of what you so harshly judge yourself about is inaccurate. It might be a good idea to make your sponsor aware of your tendency to do this. A therapist might also be able to help you change this pattern of thinking, which no doubt is contributing to your depression.
Just be accurate when you examine relationships.
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Mpls, Mn
Posts: 55
Maybe look at the 12 and 12 as well.
Bill Wilson took another look at the Steps a number of years after Alcoholics Anonymous was published. I have found his insights helpful. He takes another look at Step 4 and there are some thoughts in that chapter that deal with those who are overwhelmed with shame.
I certainly second awuh's thoughts about keeping perspective: you are extremely unlikely to be the worst person ever to take the 4th Step. The odds are you are a mixture of good and bad like everyone else. The Steps will help you sort out which is which and get the bad stuff out of your way. It's not like you ever came up with anything uniquely heinous and new.
My sponsor did his first 4th Step with a veteran Catholic priest who told him the only thing he had never heard in a 5th Step was a successful suicide. ;-}
I certainly second awuh's thoughts about keeping perspective: you are extremely unlikely to be the worst person ever to take the 4th Step. The odds are you are a mixture of good and bad like everyone else. The Steps will help you sort out which is which and get the bad stuff out of your way. It's not like you ever came up with anything uniquely heinous and new.
My sponsor did his first 4th Step with a veteran Catholic priest who told him the only thing he had never heard in a 5th Step was a successful suicide. ;-}
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
josh, something to consider is what your lookin at innthe 4th is what it used to be like.
where your at right now is what happened.
the future you is what we are like now.
you werent a bad person,just sick and now youre in the solution to get weller.
where your at right now is what happened.
the future you is what we are like now.
you werent a bad person,just sick and now youre in the solution to get weller.
It`s ok to stay sober
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Central NC
Posts: 20,903
welcome to SR Joshca1
yep,I agree with everyone else.One thing I mention is I did see a lot of harms I did to others during this inventory and I saw how sick I was.I was close to the major turning point of my sobriety.
I finished the inventory,took a honest 5th step,and faced steps 6 and 7
I believed God could remove those defects that I had that caused that guilt and shame and AA showed me a new way of life that did not produce low esteem
Hang in there,the best is ahead I feel like
yep,I agree with everyone else.One thing I mention is I did see a lot of harms I did to others during this inventory and I saw how sick I was.I was close to the major turning point of my sobriety.
I finished the inventory,took a honest 5th step,and faced steps 6 and 7
I believed God could remove those defects that I had that caused that guilt and shame and AA showed me a new way of life that did not produce low esteem
Hang in there,the best is ahead I feel like
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
Sometimes we confuse honesty with accuracy. Dont get too hung up on accuracy, it can be difficult to be accurate about things that happened in an alcoholic haze that we barely remember. That doesn't mean we can't be honest about it.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by Gottalife
Sometimes we confuse honesty with accuracy. Dont get too hung up on accuracy, it can be difficult to be accurate about things that happened in an alcoholic haze that we barely remember. That doesn't mean we can't be honest about it.
all these years later i still have things come up i forgot about.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 765
Hi Joshca
I was told in the writing of my fear section that I should e absolutely devastated at what I saw fear stole from me. But that wasn't my experience...it was in the sex conduct part I felt that.
As I listed the many many names, I felt sad because I could see how I had ended up with other illnesses and even trauma. But something in me knew if I felt no pain there would be no growth. So when I was as done listing, I counted the names and couldn't believe it. Then I went even further, putting a little check mark next to the people I had actual consummation with. Again, I was astounded. I had been in denial, lying to myself.
But this was good. I was honest. And I benefitted because of that., and I can let other people know they're not alone. I'm just myself, no better or worse than anyone else.
I saw my patterns. How loneliness and low self-esteem would cause me to settle for that way of living, how I thought I wasn't worth protecting, how i was selfish because I wanted love or to take myself out of my pain for a little while. (Selfish = "what did I want?")
I saw how I hurt other people like the time I called up my BFs mom and demanded I come over and tell her how bad her son was to me. This lady had been widowed young, had FOUR sons at home and worked full time for years at a small job to make ends meet. Here I was stealing her time making her feel bad as she made me tea and we sat in her tea room that she had created to get a few minutes of peace everyday. I couldn't let go of that relationship because I could never let go of anybody.
What should I have done instead? I should've taken care of myself and been present for my own life in healing and maturity...it's ok, I was doing that right then, as I sat writing being honest with myself and God and a sponsor, who showed me how much God loved me even with all this self-abuse and harm of others I had created with my own irrational thinking.
My sex ideal was all about ME. Not about "what I want". What kind of person do I want to be? A lot of this was pulled together in my fifth step as I got compassion for myself and others. I was developing God's thinking in all areas.
No pain, no gain. Be as honest as you can with yourself and make sure a loving forgiving God is the biggest piece of the picture.
I was told in the writing of my fear section that I should e absolutely devastated at what I saw fear stole from me. But that wasn't my experience...it was in the sex conduct part I felt that.
As I listed the many many names, I felt sad because I could see how I had ended up with other illnesses and even trauma. But something in me knew if I felt no pain there would be no growth. So when I was as done listing, I counted the names and couldn't believe it. Then I went even further, putting a little check mark next to the people I had actual consummation with. Again, I was astounded. I had been in denial, lying to myself.
But this was good. I was honest. And I benefitted because of that., and I can let other people know they're not alone. I'm just myself, no better or worse than anyone else.
I saw my patterns. How loneliness and low self-esteem would cause me to settle for that way of living, how I thought I wasn't worth protecting, how i was selfish because I wanted love or to take myself out of my pain for a little while. (Selfish = "what did I want?")
I saw how I hurt other people like the time I called up my BFs mom and demanded I come over and tell her how bad her son was to me. This lady had been widowed young, had FOUR sons at home and worked full time for years at a small job to make ends meet. Here I was stealing her time making her feel bad as she made me tea and we sat in her tea room that she had created to get a few minutes of peace everyday. I couldn't let go of that relationship because I could never let go of anybody.
What should I have done instead? I should've taken care of myself and been present for my own life in healing and maturity...it's ok, I was doing that right then, as I sat writing being honest with myself and God and a sponsor, who showed me how much God loved me even with all this self-abuse and harm of others I had created with my own irrational thinking.
My sex ideal was all about ME. Not about "what I want". What kind of person do I want to be? A lot of this was pulled together in my fifth step as I got compassion for myself and others. I was developing God's thinking in all areas.
No pain, no gain. Be as honest as you can with yourself and make sure a loving forgiving God is the biggest piece of the picture.
Guest
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 600
Originally Posted by WMJ1012
No pain, no gain. Be as honest as you can with yourself and make sure a loving forgiving God is the biggest piece of the picture.
Recovered
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 1,129
Whether I'm all that and a bag of chips or a piece of cr*p, the attention is still on ME (ego).
I needed to focus on getting through the steps so that I could see things IN PERSPECTIVE (ie accurately...as we are never as bad or as good as we think) so that I could become an agent of AA...the entire goal of it all. Once I take inventory and see things for what they are, I can use my experience, strength, and hope to show and benefit someone else who needs me.
I needed to focus on getting through the steps so that I could see things IN PERSPECTIVE (ie accurately...as we are never as bad or as good as we think) so that I could become an agent of AA...the entire goal of it all. Once I take inventory and see things for what they are, I can use my experience, strength, and hope to show and benefit someone else who needs me.
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