VanillaChaiTea

Good evening all,

Don't know where else to ask these questions at the moment and am glad I can come here to do so.

So, I have 7 days sober, found an AA group I really like (I think), got a temp sponsor and have been working hard this past week. I think my sponsor is awesome based on our one-on-one meeting last Sunday (she spent several hours with me). She has given me really good stuff to read and listen to and think about, and I have followed her instructions to a "T" (suggested readings, daily meetings, call or talk to fellow "drunks", check in with her daily, etc., etc.).

I am not a needy person. I have trust issues. Just saying.

Last eve I called her to do the expected phone check in, around 7:30 p.m., after last night's meeting. Left a message. No call back, no text today.

She said she would be at tonight's meeting. Was not.

After this evening's meeting, I talked with several other women that I have seen at the meetings this past week, which was a good exercise for me. I am just so closed off right now, but it was good to talk with new people focused on sobriety.

Should my sponsor be at least returning my message, even if via text? I am not trying to be weird here, but if you call your sponsor, should they call you back within 24 hours?

I want to do the right thing and find the right group and trust people. Help!

Ken33xx

If someone is new in sobriety i tend to get back right away or leave a message.

Why the woman didnt get back to you?

Who knows.

People are people in AA just like everywhere else.

Try not to put anyone in aa on a pedestal sponsors included.

l

VanillaChaiTea

Ken3 - not sure why she didn't get back to me. She is quite established in this particular group (seems like a very close knit group). You are right - who knows. From my perspective, it concerns me. No big deal. There are so many groups in my area and I want a sponsor, but the right one. Not chucking this out the window, but am moving forward cautiously. Life is interesting, no?

I will not put anyone in AA on a pedestal - thank you for that reminder.

Step12

She needs to be contacting you. Something is wrong.

Step12

Maybe she isn't ok. Keep checking on her

VanillaChaiTea

My inclination is not to try to contact her again (left a message last eve; text today; that's enough!). I have only known her for a week. She has 5 years sober. I have 7 days. She has a really big support network. Me, not so much.

Anyhoo, I have been reflecting much this past week. So far I have really liked most of the meetings, the fellowship. I want to check out some different groups and take my time finding the right sponsor. I think that is wise. I haven't been sober for 7 days in at least 10 years. This is important for me to get right.

tursiops999

Hi VCT -- I'm so glad you're liking the meetings.

I think different sponsors have different expectations and different ways of working together. For example, my sponsor generally does not return my calls -- she wants to receive voice mails from me regularly, but says she'll only return my call if I specifically ask her to. And if I need to speak urgently, I'm supposed to ring twice in a row so she'll know it's not just a routine voice mail.

It took a few conversations to sort that out though -- I was initially emailing her the first couple weeks because I didn't understand she wanted voice mails.

Maybe just check in with her next time you talk, to clarify whether to expect calls back?

WMJ1012

Hi. Well a bunch of things here....

My first thought was that a sane sponsor will be consistent.

A healthy sponsor will tell you how they sponsor up front and give you some guidelines so you know what to expect and everybody's under the same understanding.

I tell my sponsees that I always return calls within 48 hours. That way their trust issues don't crop up and they know they're in a safe relationship.

If I can't do something I said I would, I let them know ahead of time so I don't disappoint them.

Sponsors aren't perfect, and sometimes things happen. Give her 48 hours and if she calls listen to what she says. Trust your instincts. Does she care? Is she willing? Is she honest?

If so, proceed. But if it keeps happening, you might want to move on and thank her for her help and keep an eye out for someone who seems willing and able.

VanillaChaiTea

Thanks all for the words of wisdom. This process is not easy. I'm only a week in. I think when I went to my first meeting a week ago, I was desperate for help and immediately sought a sponsor. I think my current sponsor is okay, but very spread thin time-wise. We texted a bit this morning. I'll keep going to meetings, check out some new meetings and groups, get the lay of the land, get to know a few people, and then try to find a new sponsor. I won't let too much time go by, but I don't feel compelled to rush into a sponsor.

Interesting though. I have hit a meeting every day this past week and one day I went to two meetings. I know my sobriety depends on going to meetings and the thought of being isolated (as I have been for quite some time) is really no longer acceptable to me. In fact, it scares me. My life depends on not isolating. I'll just keep going to meetings for now and will take things - one day at a time.

Dave42001

First off, great work on 7 days!! What an accomplishment!! Like Ken33 said, she's only human, you contacted her in a timely manor I would expect a return call too.

Remember this is YOUR program, you made a great point to try different meetings and groups, now you know what to expect you can get out and really find a group you click with, maybe it's your first group, who knows.. One thing I do know, any time your spending an hour at a meeting is a positive thing and you're headed in the right direction!! Kudos to you on 7 days!!! Keep up the good work!! Please keep us updated!! Have a great day!!

fini

VCT,
my sponsortype person and i sat down and talked about expectations of how to go through this process at our first meeting. they told me they would always get back to me, though not always shortly. though if it was an emergency they would for sure.

they got back to me shortly for days until they didn't.
for me, that was a really good start to "dealing with trust-issues", as it threw me for a bit of a loop. i had to look at how i immediately felt abandoned, like i couldn't rely on anybody , how nobody really cared, how i was much better off not trusting, how...blahblahblah.

and it's true; there is no person who won't ever "let you down". which is why the AA program is concerned with helping you find and rely on "a power greater than yourself" which you CAN rely on.

all that being said, you're starting your second week, and if you find she's too thin-spread timewise, tell her what you need and maybe she can give it or point you to someone who can or you will find the person who's more available.

and big congrats on day seven!

Step12

Is he or she at least giving you work to do while they're not contacting you? Maybe they think you're not finishing things

VanillaChaiTea

Step12 - She has given me plenty of work to do, and I have done it all and then some. I have checked in with her every evening, as she asked me to do. She said if I get her voicemail, she would get back to me ASAP. She didn't, and I was disappointed.

I like what fini said about trust issues. I have a lot of those. I have a lot of issues, in general, after all these years of drinking. I have a whole lot of work to do.

I think at this point, I don't want to dwell on it anymore. I connected with my sponsor this morning and she and I agreed she is really spread thin. She had originally told me to go to meetings only in the particular group she goes to. I respectfully disagree with that approach. I am going to try different meeting times, different groups, take a deep breath and find what works for me.

As Dave said - it's my program. I am willing to listen and do what it takes. But I also need to do what works for me.

Whew! Thanks for all the input, everyone. Very helpful. I am trying really hard to change. It's a bit overwhelming.

tursiops999

VCT, congratulations again on a week! I really think you can't go wrong in trying a lot of different meetings. And I agree with your idea of being willing to listen and do what it takes, but also do what works for you. It's a balancing act. Especially so early on, it's good just to find connections, and keep working the "upside" -- the meetings you feel drawn to.

You're doing really well!

My first couple of weeks in the program were kind of bewildering and exhausting ... trying to find meetings (literally find, like where do I park my car etc), trying to listen, trying to read some of the literature, coping with my reactions to all this new information. It soon settled down into a routine that I could cope with.

Keep up the good work, and keep us posted!

stevieg46

VCT well done on 7 days fantastic, you seem to have a handle on how things work so far , you did not sit still and wait for things to happen so well done , finally I was told ''lean on the prgram not on the sponsor , take care .

Regards .
Stevie

CaiHong

Good work Vanillachai,
I agree with Stevie rely on the program not the sponsor, find someone who has time for you. It would be useful for would be sponsors not to volunteer to sponsor someone if they can not commit the time.
You are doing well to stay sober these last 7 days.
CaiHong

Gottalife

Hi VCT,
glad you are doing so well. The term "trust issues" has cropped up a bit in this thread and I would like to share some experience.

I was told when I first arrived in AA some facts abut the fellowship and the people in it.

The first mys sponsor told me "people have feet of clay". They will always let you down. Its inevitable, if not intentional. They won't be there when you ring, they will miss an appointment, they won't gove sympathy when it is expected, and, like my sponsor, they go and die on you. Expectations of people are sure to lead to resentment.

AA is not a mutual admiration society. I am going to meet people I don't like, and I don't have to like them. I am there for help with a life threatening illness, not a social outing.

To me trust issues has really been about trusting people(or not trusting) to do what I expect them to do, and feeling terribly let down or even resentful when they fall short of my expectations. We get to read about this in the build up to step 3 (page 62 I think). How we tend to play god, to try and organise things the way we think they should be, and how very frustrating it is when people let us down. It's even worse when they seem to react badly towards us, just when we were relying on them. It is not so much a trust issue as a control issue. Something to reflect on anyway. Certainly the road to resentment is paved with expectations.

Music

It's always a good idea to have more than one or two numbers to call. Be patient with her but call someone else if you NEED to talk to someone. Expectations are premeditated resentments. You sound like you want to do the right thing so Easy Does It.

fini

It is not so much a trust issue as a control issue. Something to reflect on anyway.
in my case, yes, that is so.
this is something i had to tease out while going through that process. the person is entirely trustworthy, but not under my control to respond when i want as i want.
bummer

it's been really beneficial for me to see that being able to trust a person isn't contingent on them performing to my specifications.

tomsteve

She had originally told me to go to meetings only in the particular group she goes to.

that there concerns me. a wee bit controlling.
heres what im thinkin:
ya got a temp sponsor. maybe time to pray for a more permanent sponsor to be put in your path.
at different meetings.