Control?
Life the gift of recovery!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Home is where the heart is
Posts: 7,061
Control?
They say some are slower learners than others, guess I might fall into that category on this one.
I was at a meeting the other day where the topic was becoming disenchanted with the program of AA and how each person works through those times.
This subject got my mind working and I realized that when I fall into that feeling I tend to become more controlling. I never considered myself a control freak before now but in retrospect I can see where all my adult life I have really been about control, control of my environment, control of others, control of my emotions, etc.... Even my career fields, paramedic and nurse, were about control. In them I had to be the one in control of the situation, I had to be the one with the answers, I had to be the one fixing the problems as they arose in others, etc.... The controlling part of me started falling apart in early sobriety because the program of AA teaches us that control of others is really out of our control. This part of me really fell apart about 4 years ago when Post Traumatic Stress Disorder stepped in and took the option to work in that career field away. But that is another story.
What I have come to realize is that when I am starting to get "tired" of AA I start falling back into a control mode again. I think that is because when I "control" other things then I take the focus off from me and what I am doing. When I am actually working the program of AA and applying the principles and traditions in my life I keep the focus on me and my actions/reactions rather than what others are doing or not doing. It is nice to see that AA does for me what I am not able to do for myself; that is take away that artificial sense of control and allows me to work on the one person who's actions I do have control of, that is me.
Any thoughts or experience to share on the topic of control?
I was at a meeting the other day where the topic was becoming disenchanted with the program of AA and how each person works through those times.
This subject got my mind working and I realized that when I fall into that feeling I tend to become more controlling. I never considered myself a control freak before now but in retrospect I can see where all my adult life I have really been about control, control of my environment, control of others, control of my emotions, etc.... Even my career fields, paramedic and nurse, were about control. In them I had to be the one in control of the situation, I had to be the one with the answers, I had to be the one fixing the problems as they arose in others, etc.... The controlling part of me started falling apart in early sobriety because the program of AA teaches us that control of others is really out of our control. This part of me really fell apart about 4 years ago when Post Traumatic Stress Disorder stepped in and took the option to work in that career field away. But that is another story.
What I have come to realize is that when I am starting to get "tired" of AA I start falling back into a control mode again. I think that is because when I "control" other things then I take the focus off from me and what I am doing. When I am actually working the program of AA and applying the principles and traditions in my life I keep the focus on me and my actions/reactions rather than what others are doing or not doing. It is nice to see that AA does for me what I am not able to do for myself; that is take away that artificial sense of control and allows me to work on the one person who's actions I do have control of, that is me.
Any thoughts or experience to share on the topic of control?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
Hi, Judith....btw I have misplaced your phone number...but just found your email and have your mailing address again....was about to phone you.
I have been participating in the Codependency thread in Newcomer's Daily forum......where what you are speaking of is dealt with continually in it's many manifestations...please feel free to pop in, I would love to welcome you there...I miss you much more than you know. I just had to get some distance from THAT situation and it wasn't fair to you to step back from you and leave you in the dark. I am sorry.
love,
Live
I have been participating in the Codependency thread in Newcomer's Daily forum......where what you are speaking of is dealt with continually in it's many manifestations...please feel free to pop in, I would love to welcome you there...I miss you much more than you know. I just had to get some distance from THAT situation and it wasn't fair to you to step back from you and leave you in the dark. I am sorry.
love,
Live
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 26,425
just a brief thing...yep...I want control...or at least the illusion of it...in fact like many my job required it of me.
I've had the mantra of life isn't about being safe for many years, but I suspect I haven't lived up to that for many years now...I appear a risk taker from the outside, but in reality...i hold back from the important risks.
For me acknowledging my lack of control means taking action without an understanding of the result..thus out of control.
Despite it being a decision made only 2 weeks sober, and followed by a drunk...I think my decision to quit my job was a "right" decision and something I had avoided...because I would not be in control of what happened to me afterward.
within AA..well...I've always tried to control not only what my homegroup does, but how all AA in my town is done....haven't been terribly sucessful at doing much more then cause disharmony and discontent :rotfxko
Right now...well i'm too early on a renewed journy to have any idea what i will do if I start to feel discontented with AA again....
I've had the mantra of life isn't about being safe for many years, but I suspect I haven't lived up to that for many years now...I appear a risk taker from the outside, but in reality...i hold back from the important risks.
For me acknowledging my lack of control means taking action without an understanding of the result..thus out of control.
Despite it being a decision made only 2 weeks sober, and followed by a drunk...I think my decision to quit my job was a "right" decision and something I had avoided...because I would not be in control of what happened to me afterward.
within AA..well...I've always tried to control not only what my homegroup does, but how all AA in my town is done....haven't been terribly sucessful at doing much more then cause disharmony and discontent :rotfxko
Right now...well i'm too early on a renewed journy to have any idea what i will do if I start to feel discontented with AA again....
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 413
Yes, for me it's a dangerous cycle. I never stop the cycle when I should. I never reach out for help when it starts, and I always end up in a bad place.
The "self will" takes over. It's not a sudden instantaneous change, but something gradual that I don't notice.
Much like the actor in the Big Book, the things I try to control often fall apart, leaving me disappointed and angry. (Sometimes hurting other people in the process, sometimes only hurting myself.)
I find myself struggling against everything and everyone to the point of exhaustion. But I am STILL trying to control things.
At that point, I am thoroughly convinced that "I'm right" and "the world is wrong". I'm not willing to ask for help. The world needs help. Situations need to change, not me.
Forget about the daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of my spiritual condition. I'm convinced that the blame is with the world, not with me. I struggle against the world, angry and frustrated that I can't control what I desperately NEED to control.
And as I bury myself deeper and hit enough immovable objects, I come to acknowledge the fact that PERHAPS I have no control over the situation I am trying to change. God forbid I should have to accept the world the way it is -- I'm too special and important for that! These things are supposed to bend at my whim!
At the same time, I'm so exhausted and miserable, I just want the discomfort to go away. But I'm still not willing to ask for help -- because again, I'm right and I know what's best for everyone.
It's all or nothing. If I can't have the situation the way I want it, then I NEED to escape. The idea of drinking floods in. Any escape, even a temporary one, seems desperately essential. I'm eyeballing the liquor store like it holds some kind of miracle cure. I still don't want to be "helped". If I can't control the situation, then I will control the pain.
I try to recall the misery of my drinking days. I try to remember the jumping off point. I vaguely remember the hopeless feeling, being unable to stop drinking, but also unable to continue drinking. What a horrible stalemate that was! I think of all the things I would lose if I start drinking again. I think of all the people I would hurt.
I don't want to hurt anybody -- I just want the pain to go away RIGHT NOW.
At some point, I will finally give up control and ask for help. The "dry drunk" might as well have been a real liquor bender. The demoralization feels the same. The damage done is the same. I put no alcohol in my body but my soul is gone.
So, no, I don't do the "control" thing very well at all. Apparently I don't do the program very well at all either.
(Big Book references from 1st Edition of the Big Book)
The "self will" takes over. It's not a sudden instantaneous change, but something gradual that I don't notice.
Much like the actor in the Big Book, the things I try to control often fall apart, leaving me disappointed and angry. (Sometimes hurting other people in the process, sometimes only hurting myself.)
I find myself struggling against everything and everyone to the point of exhaustion. But I am STILL trying to control things.
At that point, I am thoroughly convinced that "I'm right" and "the world is wrong". I'm not willing to ask for help. The world needs help. Situations need to change, not me.
Forget about the daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of my spiritual condition. I'm convinced that the blame is with the world, not with me. I struggle against the world, angry and frustrated that I can't control what I desperately NEED to control.
And as I bury myself deeper and hit enough immovable objects, I come to acknowledge the fact that PERHAPS I have no control over the situation I am trying to change. God forbid I should have to accept the world the way it is -- I'm too special and important for that! These things are supposed to bend at my whim!
At the same time, I'm so exhausted and miserable, I just want the discomfort to go away. But I'm still not willing to ask for help -- because again, I'm right and I know what's best for everyone.
It's all or nothing. If I can't have the situation the way I want it, then I NEED to escape. The idea of drinking floods in. Any escape, even a temporary one, seems desperately essential. I'm eyeballing the liquor store like it holds some kind of miracle cure. I still don't want to be "helped". If I can't control the situation, then I will control the pain.
I try to recall the misery of my drinking days. I try to remember the jumping off point. I vaguely remember the hopeless feeling, being unable to stop drinking, but also unable to continue drinking. What a horrible stalemate that was! I think of all the things I would lose if I start drinking again. I think of all the people I would hurt.
I don't want to hurt anybody -- I just want the pain to go away RIGHT NOW.
At some point, I will finally give up control and ask for help. The "dry drunk" might as well have been a real liquor bender. The demoralization feels the same. The damage done is the same. I put no alcohol in my body but my soul is gone.
So, no, I don't do the "control" thing very well at all. Apparently I don't do the program very well at all either.
(Big Book references from 1st Edition of the Big Book)
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,861
It is yest another manifestation of "self". Why do I become disenchanted with AA? Is the face of the fellowship not meeting "MY" expectations? Or maybe I am right in what I see, but in disgust I turn away from the thing that gave me my life back?
I have done all of those things. The good thing about controlling/self whatever the defect, we have a set of steps which can help us.
I have done all of those things. The good thing about controlling/self whatever the defect, we have a set of steps which can help us.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 1,636
That actually makes a lot of sense to me....because. for me, my program -- and the things I do in "working my program" -- are the things that keep me connected to HP, to HP's will for me, and to the "energy" I need to go where I'm lead and and do what I'm lead to do by HP.
If I start to, in any way or for any reason, slack off on my program/spiritual work, then my connection to HP (and to HP's direction and energy) starts to weaken and starts breaking-up (a god metaphor for me is like when I'm in a place where my sell phone doesn't get good reception)....and, of course, when that happens, if I don't realize it pretty quickly and take corrective action, then I slip back into thinking that I need to be planning and doing and controlling everything...
...and that's a crazy, crazy-making place for me, but if I get too far into it, then it becomes harder and harder to get back out because I wind up so distracted and depleted by all the ensuing chaos and drama (I find that chaos and drama is always a 100% accurate indication that someone other than HP is trying to be in-charge!) that I can't even figure out what is really going on -- even though, it should, of course, be totally obvious...and would be to any sane, connected person.
freya
If I start to, in any way or for any reason, slack off on my program/spiritual work, then my connection to HP (and to HP's direction and energy) starts to weaken and starts breaking-up (a god metaphor for me is like when I'm in a place where my sell phone doesn't get good reception)....and, of course, when that happens, if I don't realize it pretty quickly and take corrective action, then I slip back into thinking that I need to be planning and doing and controlling everything...
...and that's a crazy, crazy-making place for me, but if I get too far into it, then it becomes harder and harder to get back out because I wind up so distracted and depleted by all the ensuing chaos and drama (I find that chaos and drama is always a 100% accurate indication that someone other than HP is trying to be in-charge!) that I can't even figure out what is really going on -- even though, it should, of course, be totally obvious...and would be to any sane, connected person.
freya
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