Control?
They say some are slower learners than others, guess I might fall into that category on this one.
I was at a meeting the other day where the topic was becoming disenchanted with the program of AA and how each person works through those times.
This subject got my mind working and I realized that when I fall into that feeling I tend to become more controlling. I never considered myself a control freak before now but in retrospect I can see where all my adult life I have really been about control, control of my environment, control of others, control of my emotions, etc.... Even my career fields, paramedic and nurse, were about control. In them I had to be the one in control of the situation, I had to be the one with the answers, I had to be the one fixing the problems as they arose in others, etc.... The controlling part of me started falling apart in early sobriety because the program of AA teaches us that control of others is really out of our control. This part of me really fell apart about 4 years ago when Post Traumatic Stress Disorder stepped in and took the option to work in that career field away. But that is another story.
What I have come to realize is that when I am starting to get "tired" of AA I start falling back into a control mode again. I think that is because when I "control" other things then I take the focus off from me and what I am doing. When I am actually working the program of AA and applying the principles and traditions in my life I keep the focus on me and my actions/reactions rather than what others are doing or not doing. It is nice to see that AA does for me what I am not able to do for myself; that is take away that artificial sense of control and allows me to work on the one person who's actions I do have control of, that is me.
Any thoughts or experience to share on the topic of control?