I'm the wife of an adult child of an alcoholic
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,437
I totally understand where you are coming from. It is very wise to put your kids above yourself. You are right that if he had them half the time who knows what they would be going through without you. I had a close friend who did the very same thing for her kids, stayed married until they were grown. She did divorce and she was sad about. He never hit her, that would be the last straw. Hope it never happens to you.
Keep reading and don't let yourself be manipulated by him and his tactics. Know what he is doing and what he is like. Keep a support system for you that understands your situation.
Keep reading and don't let yourself be manipulated by him and his tactics. Know what he is doing and what he is like. Keep a support system for you that understands your situation.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 12
I agree with you wifeofanACoA, power is knowledge. I have also been doing a lot of reading and with this information I have gained more power over how I feel about myself and my situation. When I read the posts on this forum and see how I can relate to you all, I also gain strength knowing I am not alone in my struggles and there is always hope. Eventually things get better. I am with you on toughing it out until my kids are grown. Like you it is my way of protecting them as best I can. I know he loves his kids and they love him, but he can't handle them for too long on his own with out losing his temper. He does not hit them and has never hit me, but words and anger hurt too. I looked into my local divorce laws and I don't want shared custody. My son is 14 and my daughters are 8...I figure 10 more years lol Ten years is a long time, and maybe he will get better, but I am not holding my breath. Once the kids have grown up, then we'll see what my next step will be. Its great that you have the support of your parents. Thank God for my parents and my brothers, that is where I go with the kids when I need to get away from the tension in the house. Some useful advice I picked up from a book I read recently was to have a plan or list of things/places to visit with the kids when things heat up at home. Fun activities for you and them, it gets you guys away until things cool down and gets your mind off things. If you can, leave the kids with your parents or other stable family/friends and do something for yourself. Maybe yoga to relax or martial arts to empower yourself and let out some tension. I don't know your inlaws and don't mean to judge them, but if they were part of the cause of your husband's issues, then that might not be the best place for the kids to be left without your presence. Our kids are our lives and we will do anything for them, but remember that to be there for them, you must take care of yourself too. After years of blaming myself and going through an emotional breakdown a year ago, I have finally opened my eyes and begun my healing process. The hardest part now is trying to love him. Stay strong!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 78
not alone.
I am so thankful for how people understand each other on here. I'm so blessed to have an outlet for the pain and people who will challenge me as well as support me.
Hopencope, thanks for all the great advice.
10 years is a long time but you've made it this far, I have too (married 9 years). I have another 16 years to go in order to eliminate custody battles. The whole custody thing would NOT be good for our situation.
My husband loves his children too and he's never hit them or I but he's the same way with only being able to handle them for a bit - then he's yelling away.
There's a new tension on the horizon now though. He's been really depressed off and on for the last few weeks. He goes to work sometimes 3 hours late. He's never been known to lie to me, at least I never thought he did but now I think he's starting to.
I was supposed to go to a doctor's appointment yesterday and he said he couldn't watch our boys so I made other arrangements. He said that he had to stock up time off for a doctor's appointment/possible surgery he has in December. Okay, so he can't be missing work or taking time off for my sake. Sounds fine.
But then this morning he leaves for work 2 hours late again. I asked him if he needed to go to work today (at 730) and he said yes. I asked if he had changed his hours (since he's been going late a lot) and he said no.
He didn't get out of bed for another hour and when he did he said that he had time banked up and that his job owed him some hours.
If his job owed him hours then why did he say that he couldn't take time off the day before? He seems to be lying about something.
I used to always believe what he said. Been told that abusive people tend to lie to keep control but he never seemed to do that.
He's very obviously depressed and I ask him what's wrong or if he's okay. He stares off vacantly and says he's fine. I'm waiting for his top to blow here soon. Maybe it won't, but it very well might.
Not sure what's happening with him right now. Is it normal for emotionally abusive people to be depressed? Don't know if anyone knows anything about that sort of thing or not.
Hopencope, thanks for all the great advice.
10 years is a long time but you've made it this far, I have too (married 9 years). I have another 16 years to go in order to eliminate custody battles. The whole custody thing would NOT be good for our situation.
My husband loves his children too and he's never hit them or I but he's the same way with only being able to handle them for a bit - then he's yelling away.
There's a new tension on the horizon now though. He's been really depressed off and on for the last few weeks. He goes to work sometimes 3 hours late. He's never been known to lie to me, at least I never thought he did but now I think he's starting to.
I was supposed to go to a doctor's appointment yesterday and he said he couldn't watch our boys so I made other arrangements. He said that he had to stock up time off for a doctor's appointment/possible surgery he has in December. Okay, so he can't be missing work or taking time off for my sake. Sounds fine.
But then this morning he leaves for work 2 hours late again. I asked him if he needed to go to work today (at 730) and he said yes. I asked if he had changed his hours (since he's been going late a lot) and he said no.
He didn't get out of bed for another hour and when he did he said that he had time banked up and that his job owed him some hours.
If his job owed him hours then why did he say that he couldn't take time off the day before? He seems to be lying about something.
I used to always believe what he said. Been told that abusive people tend to lie to keep control but he never seemed to do that.
He's very obviously depressed and I ask him what's wrong or if he's okay. He stares off vacantly and says he's fine. I'm waiting for his top to blow here soon. Maybe it won't, but it very well might.
Not sure what's happening with him right now. Is it normal for emotionally abusive people to be depressed? Don't know if anyone knows anything about that sort of thing or not.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 78
silent treatment
I really don't think that it's pills or anything like that. He's never used or even gotten drunk or anything.
But he's been so weird for the last few days. He was getting all angry and huffy for a while (beginning of the month), then he was EXTREMELY nice (about 2 weeks) - like above and beyond anything he's ever been like.
And now he's in this weird mood. He's being very distant and saying very little to me. I tried to ask what was wrong today and he calmly said that he didn't want to talk about it right now.
Then he gets off of a 45 minute conversation with one of his closest friends and he's right back to sleeping in the basement.
I never sent him to sleep in the basement but for the last few nights he's been choosing to sleep in the spare room. It's weird.
Then today he says something along the lines of my almost sending him down there, something like, "I don't know where my room is supposed to be." To which I replied that I never said he couldn't sleep in our bedroom.
He's acting all victimized. He hasn't even been speaking to me much at all. This is a new and weird take he seems to be heading for.
He was yelling at me more and more and now it seems like he needs some kind of new tactic for things.
We're supposed to start marriage counselling on the 2nd of November. I can already hear him complaining about everything I do or don't do.
He's acting SO weird. Not drug weird or anything just victimized weird.
We went on our anniversary trip last weekend and everything seemed fine. Then after being home 24 hours he's been acting like this the whole time.
I'm really trying to ignore his behaviour because there's no way that he can blame me for this (of course I know better and he will) but... has anyone ever had this happen before?
It's almost as though yelling at me doesn't get what he wants so he's got this new way to get to me. I don't know?
But he's been so weird for the last few days. He was getting all angry and huffy for a while (beginning of the month), then he was EXTREMELY nice (about 2 weeks) - like above and beyond anything he's ever been like.
And now he's in this weird mood. He's being very distant and saying very little to me. I tried to ask what was wrong today and he calmly said that he didn't want to talk about it right now.
Then he gets off of a 45 minute conversation with one of his closest friends and he's right back to sleeping in the basement.
I never sent him to sleep in the basement but for the last few nights he's been choosing to sleep in the spare room. It's weird.
Then today he says something along the lines of my almost sending him down there, something like, "I don't know where my room is supposed to be." To which I replied that I never said he couldn't sleep in our bedroom.
He's acting all victimized. He hasn't even been speaking to me much at all. This is a new and weird take he seems to be heading for.
He was yelling at me more and more and now it seems like he needs some kind of new tactic for things.
We're supposed to start marriage counselling on the 2nd of November. I can already hear him complaining about everything I do or don't do.
He's acting SO weird. Not drug weird or anything just victimized weird.
We went on our anniversary trip last weekend and everything seemed fine. Then after being home 24 hours he's been acting like this the whole time.
I'm really trying to ignore his behaviour because there's no way that he can blame me for this (of course I know better and he will) but... has anyone ever had this happen before?
It's almost as though yelling at me doesn't get what he wants so he's got this new way to get to me. I don't know?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 78
I think that I'm just going to ignore his weird behaviour and keep on acting as though nothing's wrong. That's what I've done all week. Maybe when he see's that it's not bugging me he'll quit. That's what happened with the yelling thing. He's acting soooo weird...
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,437
It sounds like he doesn't know what to do with the new you and is sulking to see if will control you. Just the same be careful, you never really know what another person is doing, especially when they separate to their own room and is lying.
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Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Under the Rainbow
Posts: 1,086
Good news though, I took everyone’s advice and found a counsellor who works with domestic abuse and domestic violence issues. I am so thankful to have found her!! She’s already got me doing things that I can do to better disarm an argument and combating lies that are told so that I don’t internalize the things said to me.
It sounds like he doesn't know what to do with the new you and is sulking to see if will control you.
My guess would be that, given his background, he doesn't know how to relate to people very well unless it's through discord. If you remove the discord, he has no idea how to connect anymore - he lacks the tools to connect with people in a healthy manner. So he withdraws as a defensive mechanism because he feels that you're withdrawing, even though the reality is that you're not withdrawing, you're trying to be a healthier you. My guess is also that the need for connection on his end is what's driving the weird behaviors: he's trying to find a new way to connect, but lacking any kind of healthy way to do so, is trying various things randomly (being nice, not being nice, withdrawing to the basement). It may help to flat out tell him that you're attempting to take care of yourself so that you can have a healthier relationship - that you realize that you play a role in the problems and you're trying to fix the problems on your end not because you want to pull away from him, but because it could ultimately make things better.
Right now all he sees is a change in your behavior with no reason for what the change is. Speaking as an ACoA, when that happened to me long ago, before I started my recovery, I would always assume the worst. I imagine him to be doing just that. He sees your behavior change, he assumes the worst - that you're going to leave him. He goes into defensive/protective mode. We ACoA's learned to protect ourselves, but the skills we learned weren't very healthy because what we had to protect ourselves from wasn't healthy. Those unhealthy tools don't work very well in healthy (or at least vaguely healthy) situations - it's one of the reasons many ACoAs have difficulty holding a job.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 12
Don't know about your husband, but I know that mine has been smoking pot for years. I believe he does this to self medicate. The problem is that when he is high he's annoying as hell and when he's sobers up he is nasty, petty and paranoid. This weekend I just wanted to kick his ass lol Maybe your husband has been experimenting with some substance to relieve his moods?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 42
wifeofanacoa, I can relate to some of the issues you mentioned here. I have been happily married to my acoa husband for 23 years and I have no real issues with him, until this time last year when we started having so many terrible rows and nearly went our separate ways.
Too complicated to explain my situation, suffice to say that his past has caught up with him, turning our world upside down and disrupting our marriage. Like you, I asked God for his help and it led me to this website. Since then, I have done more research on acoa online, printed out acoa articles and showed them to my husband. He was completely stunned. He did not realised that his childhood can affect him to such a degree. He now understands why he felt so worthless, a failure, was so depressed / moody in his younger days, even tried to take his own life.
You said your husband was behaving weird. Mine too, the more rows we had, the crazier he behaves, our conflicts seemed to bring out the worst ACOA traits in him. I believe as an ACOA, he really struggles with emotional issues. Like your husband, mine can never own up to his past mistakes, he tried to manipulate the situation and make it out that I was the one to be blamed and the crazy one. In fact, he even suggested that I see a counselor to sort out 'my problems' and I did as he suggested.
I was so depressed and so unhappy that I went to see the doctor and was prescribed antidepressants, I realised then that my marriage has become toxic and I had to get out!
When I told my husband that I intended to leave him for good, he was beside himself and cried 'I want to die, please let me die' (abandonment issues?) which was weird in itself, but he did came to his senses after that. All the lying, secrets, doing things behind my back stopped and he now behaves as if nothing detrimental has happened between us.
The problem is: I have been traumatised, I now know why he behaved the way he did but I am still angry towards him. I have to find ways to let the past go and heal myself somehow, otherwise I know I will become ill.
Too complicated to explain my situation, suffice to say that his past has caught up with him, turning our world upside down and disrupting our marriage. Like you, I asked God for his help and it led me to this website. Since then, I have done more research on acoa online, printed out acoa articles and showed them to my husband. He was completely stunned. He did not realised that his childhood can affect him to such a degree. He now understands why he felt so worthless, a failure, was so depressed / moody in his younger days, even tried to take his own life.
You said your husband was behaving weird. Mine too, the more rows we had, the crazier he behaves, our conflicts seemed to bring out the worst ACOA traits in him. I believe as an ACOA, he really struggles with emotional issues. Like your husband, mine can never own up to his past mistakes, he tried to manipulate the situation and make it out that I was the one to be blamed and the crazy one. In fact, he even suggested that I see a counselor to sort out 'my problems' and I did as he suggested.
I was so depressed and so unhappy that I went to see the doctor and was prescribed antidepressants, I realised then that my marriage has become toxic and I had to get out!
When I told my husband that I intended to leave him for good, he was beside himself and cried 'I want to die, please let me die' (abandonment issues?) which was weird in itself, but he did came to his senses after that. All the lying, secrets, doing things behind my back stopped and he now behaves as if nothing detrimental has happened between us.
The problem is: I have been traumatised, I now know why he behaved the way he did but I am still angry towards him. I have to find ways to let the past go and heal myself somehow, otherwise I know I will become ill.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 78
denial no more
Wow. I can't say thank you enough to all you people who wind up saying things that make sense. Before coming here I felt all alone. Now when I feel alone and confused by his behaviour I come here and life makes sense again.
I do see how my husband might be viewing my non-combative behaviour in a negative light. I'll try to remember to somehow work into the conversation that I'm acting better for a healthier marriage. That's good advice.
I just hope that he hears me because lately I speak and he'll think and say something very different from what I just said.
SLady - thanks for your insight as well. That's unbelievable that things didn't start going really badly until way later in marriage. That would be nice because then you wouldn't have 22 years of confusion under your belt.
We've been married 9 years and the first 8 and a half I was super confused. Now I just more or less try to make it through.
It's nice(?) to hear that there are people who have had the EXACT SAME THINGS HAPPEN. It makes me feel sooo much better.
My husband still will turn any problem into it being something that needs to change in me. He's had me off to the psychiatrist and wanted me on meds. The psych said that it wasn't necessary and my husband wants him to "test me better."
Last night he still commented on how I need to work on myself more.
Good news and bad news is that after all his nice behaviour he's back to being more like himself. I say good news because I was starting to feel so guilty and starting to think that I had completely misjudged him. I was believing that maybe he's right and he doesn't have anything to really re-think in himself.
BUT...
then he couldn't keep that up.
That made me feel better because , "Oh, look. Here comes the man who has unreasonable expectations and he was there all along. So, I'm not confused."
He's upset again because I left the laundry in the washing machine. Not recently or anything but from back in September still.
He now wants me to 'admit' to doing it on purpose so that I could be spiteful.
He's got these crazy ideas. I'm supposed to admit to leaving laundry in the washer to spite him? Why would I do that? And if I did why would this be the ONE thing I choose to lie about even though I've over the years been so straight forward about other small things.
I have come to realize that he's not going to change, at least probably never while I'm around.
But still he hasn't hit me and I'm better able to protect my children when I can see exactly what he's doing, so I am still choosing to stay.
I need our children to be big enough so that we don't have a custody battle. We're from two different countries so that would be even worse.
I was able to cancel our joint marriage counselling session. He wanted to back out because it was going to be too much driving and too much money for gas. That was okay with me though because I've recently learned that marriage counselling almost NEVER works when it's with an abuser and their spouse.
He said in our dispute last night that I've changed and my mentality and thinking have all changed!
I said, "Yes, you're right. I'm not going to listen to the things you say to me anymore and feel bad about myself. I'm not going to get depressed by what you say to me anymore."
I don't think he liked that because then he went off on his tangent.
According to my husband, I live in an alternate universe where I think I have so much authority that I should be able to say something and have him believe me just because I said it.
Isn't that crazy? Because it very much sounded to me like he was saying he's not allowed to believe what I say just because I said 'believe me.'
This was still in regards to the laundry. I've repeatedly said that I didn't leave laundry in the machine to make him angry. But he doesn't believe that because the evidence says otherwise.
Shouldn't I be allowed to say something to my husband and have him believe me? Especially when I don't lie to him about things. Least of all laundry? Ah, just breathing.
I think that a 'healthy' marriage would be one in which a spouse can say, "No, I didn't do that on purpose." and the other could say, "Oh, okay."
But I live here where my words don't count for anything and I'm apparently a liar.
I have new hope. A different hope.
I do NOT have any hope that he will change. But I do have hope that I'll be able to raise my children well and endure this marriage for as long as [I]necessary[I].
No one should have to live like this. I'm sorry to all the people who do as well.
Oh, and no he's not on drugs or anything.
However, to make things even MORE complicated. His Father has started drinking again and his mother fought with him because he brought it up.
I guess his mother said some mean things but I don't really know what to believe about the things he says anymore. I think that if he's capable of twisting my words then he very likely can be twisting other people's words in order to get sympathy or whatever from me.
I'm starting to lose trust in the things he says because more recently I've noticed how whatever he calls me is usually what's going on with him.
He calls me manipulative and he'll be doing something manipulative. He'll say that I'm not working at all and he'll watch me clean the house while he's on the computer. He'll say he can't miss work and then he's 2 hours late again.
So, now he's saying 'level with me - I don't believe you're telling the truth' and I have to wonder...
hmmmm... maybe he's not telling the truth about something.
I'm not living in denial anymore so that's good.
I have all you wonderful people to thank for that, really I do.
But still I'll stay. It seems like the best option for right now and if it ever changes so that there's a WONDERFUL different option then I would like to do that instead.
I am so thankful that even though he pushed me to meds that I was able to stay away from them. I'm really thankful for the knowledge you people give me, unfortunately sometimes it comes from the painful things you've all endured.
But thank you for your help, your insight, your words. All of you.
I do see how my husband might be viewing my non-combative behaviour in a negative light. I'll try to remember to somehow work into the conversation that I'm acting better for a healthier marriage. That's good advice.
I just hope that he hears me because lately I speak and he'll think and say something very different from what I just said.
SLady - thanks for your insight as well. That's unbelievable that things didn't start going really badly until way later in marriage. That would be nice because then you wouldn't have 22 years of confusion under your belt.
We've been married 9 years and the first 8 and a half I was super confused. Now I just more or less try to make it through.
It's nice(?) to hear that there are people who have had the EXACT SAME THINGS HAPPEN. It makes me feel sooo much better.
My husband still will turn any problem into it being something that needs to change in me. He's had me off to the psychiatrist and wanted me on meds. The psych said that it wasn't necessary and my husband wants him to "test me better."
Last night he still commented on how I need to work on myself more.
Good news and bad news is that after all his nice behaviour he's back to being more like himself. I say good news because I was starting to feel so guilty and starting to think that I had completely misjudged him. I was believing that maybe he's right and he doesn't have anything to really re-think in himself.
BUT...
then he couldn't keep that up.
That made me feel better because , "Oh, look. Here comes the man who has unreasonable expectations and he was there all along. So, I'm not confused."
He's upset again because I left the laundry in the washing machine. Not recently or anything but from back in September still.
He now wants me to 'admit' to doing it on purpose so that I could be spiteful.
He's got these crazy ideas. I'm supposed to admit to leaving laundry in the washer to spite him? Why would I do that? And if I did why would this be the ONE thing I choose to lie about even though I've over the years been so straight forward about other small things.
I have come to realize that he's not going to change, at least probably never while I'm around.
But still he hasn't hit me and I'm better able to protect my children when I can see exactly what he's doing, so I am still choosing to stay.
I need our children to be big enough so that we don't have a custody battle. We're from two different countries so that would be even worse.
I was able to cancel our joint marriage counselling session. He wanted to back out because it was going to be too much driving and too much money for gas. That was okay with me though because I've recently learned that marriage counselling almost NEVER works when it's with an abuser and their spouse.
He said in our dispute last night that I've changed and my mentality and thinking have all changed!
I said, "Yes, you're right. I'm not going to listen to the things you say to me anymore and feel bad about myself. I'm not going to get depressed by what you say to me anymore."
I don't think he liked that because then he went off on his tangent.
According to my husband, I live in an alternate universe where I think I have so much authority that I should be able to say something and have him believe me just because I said it.
Isn't that crazy? Because it very much sounded to me like he was saying he's not allowed to believe what I say just because I said 'believe me.'
This was still in regards to the laundry. I've repeatedly said that I didn't leave laundry in the machine to make him angry. But he doesn't believe that because the evidence says otherwise.
Shouldn't I be allowed to say something to my husband and have him believe me? Especially when I don't lie to him about things. Least of all laundry? Ah, just breathing.
I think that a 'healthy' marriage would be one in which a spouse can say, "No, I didn't do that on purpose." and the other could say, "Oh, okay."
But I live here where my words don't count for anything and I'm apparently a liar.
I have new hope. A different hope.
I do NOT have any hope that he will change. But I do have hope that I'll be able to raise my children well and endure this marriage for as long as [I]necessary[I].
No one should have to live like this. I'm sorry to all the people who do as well.
Oh, and no he's not on drugs or anything.
However, to make things even MORE complicated. His Father has started drinking again and his mother fought with him because he brought it up.
I guess his mother said some mean things but I don't really know what to believe about the things he says anymore. I think that if he's capable of twisting my words then he very likely can be twisting other people's words in order to get sympathy or whatever from me.
I'm starting to lose trust in the things he says because more recently I've noticed how whatever he calls me is usually what's going on with him.
He calls me manipulative and he'll be doing something manipulative. He'll say that I'm not working at all and he'll watch me clean the house while he's on the computer. He'll say he can't miss work and then he's 2 hours late again.
So, now he's saying 'level with me - I don't believe you're telling the truth' and I have to wonder...
hmmmm... maybe he's not telling the truth about something.
I'm not living in denial anymore so that's good.
I have all you wonderful people to thank for that, really I do.
But still I'll stay. It seems like the best option for right now and if it ever changes so that there's a WONDERFUL different option then I would like to do that instead.
I am so thankful that even though he pushed me to meds that I was able to stay away from them. I'm really thankful for the knowledge you people give me, unfortunately sometimes it comes from the painful things you've all endured.
But thank you for your help, your insight, your words. All of you.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 112
I still think a time will come when you will stop saying "I'll still stay". In the meanwhile, I hope you will do your best to shield your children from his abuse, or witnessing him abusing you. It's very damaging to them to witness their father putting down and/or controlling their mother. I can not stress enough the significant damage/impact this can have on them. If you continue to stay, it may be very worthwhile to get your children involved in therapy as well.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 42
Wifeofanacoa, for your children's sake, you should get help for your husband. His insistence that you get tested by a psychiatrist and put on medication is dangerous. If there is anyone who should get tested, it should be him and not you because of his childhood history.
But first, you need to make him aware that he has issues. I would recommend getting him books on ACOA for him to read.
Like you, I came to this website looking for answers to my problem, to make sense of my husband's 'strange' behaviour. Since then I have done more research on acoa. There is one or two acoa traits that may explain your husband's behavior.
First, his twisted thinking based on 'looking at the world from the standpoint of a victim':-
you left the laundry = he believes you're being spiteful = he is a victim of your spitefulness
you do not show him enough affection = he believes you're dont love him enough = he is a victim of your neglect
you say something = he believes you do not mean what you say = he is a victim of your lies/ deceit
Secondly, according to an acoa blog, an acoa has two personalities - the 'True Self' and the 'False Self'.
The False Self is a 'facade' that he projects to the outside world - confident, normal, charming etc., and everyone (including psychiatrist, therapist, social worker in your case) is taken in by him.
The 'True Self' is the 'Real Self' - closely links to how an Acoa feels within himself. Deep down, he may feel worthless, a failure, not good enough, has low self esteem, self-hate, deep anger etc.,
We, the spouses, get to see their 'True Self' - the violent rage (in my case), the twisted thinking etc
An acoa can be highly self-critical, he is very hard on himself and may extend the same level of expectation to those closest to him.
My husband left home at a young age to get away from his family and totally lost contact with his alcoholic father, unfortunately he still continue to screw up his personal life...before he met me. The effects on your husband will be more profound, I suppose, since he is still in contact with his family.
In my case, after 23 years of marriage, I find out the 'truth' about my husband's past. I came from a different culture and conservative upbringing, I know I should not judge him, but in all honestly, I have lost some of my respect for him and that is bad for my marriage.
I too grew up in a dysfunctional home. My mother was mentally ill (she lost her first four children). This issue has brought up the worst in me - my insecurities, jealously and possesiveness, the rows we had were terrible, made worse, because for the last 22 years, we hardly fight. At least now I know that his behaviour was acoa driven and he did not intend to hurt me.
Last year has been a very difficult year for me, we are over the worst now, hopefully our marriage will survived this.
Sorry for the grammar, english is not my first language.
But first, you need to make him aware that he has issues. I would recommend getting him books on ACOA for him to read.
Like you, I came to this website looking for answers to my problem, to make sense of my husband's 'strange' behaviour. Since then I have done more research on acoa. There is one or two acoa traits that may explain your husband's behavior.
First, his twisted thinking based on 'looking at the world from the standpoint of a victim':-
you left the laundry = he believes you're being spiteful = he is a victim of your spitefulness
you do not show him enough affection = he believes you're dont love him enough = he is a victim of your neglect
you say something = he believes you do not mean what you say = he is a victim of your lies/ deceit
Secondly, according to an acoa blog, an acoa has two personalities - the 'True Self' and the 'False Self'.
The False Self is a 'facade' that he projects to the outside world - confident, normal, charming etc., and everyone (including psychiatrist, therapist, social worker in your case) is taken in by him.
The 'True Self' is the 'Real Self' - closely links to how an Acoa feels within himself. Deep down, he may feel worthless, a failure, not good enough, has low self esteem, self-hate, deep anger etc.,
We, the spouses, get to see their 'True Self' - the violent rage (in my case), the twisted thinking etc
An acoa can be highly self-critical, he is very hard on himself and may extend the same level of expectation to those closest to him.
My husband left home at a young age to get away from his family and totally lost contact with his alcoholic father, unfortunately he still continue to screw up his personal life...before he met me. The effects on your husband will be more profound, I suppose, since he is still in contact with his family.
In my case, after 23 years of marriage, I find out the 'truth' about my husband's past. I came from a different culture and conservative upbringing, I know I should not judge him, but in all honestly, I have lost some of my respect for him and that is bad for my marriage.
I too grew up in a dysfunctional home. My mother was mentally ill (she lost her first four children). This issue has brought up the worst in me - my insecurities, jealously and possesiveness, the rows we had were terrible, made worse, because for the last 22 years, we hardly fight. At least now I know that his behaviour was acoa driven and he did not intend to hurt me.
Last year has been a very difficult year for me, we are over the worst now, hopefully our marriage will survived this.
Sorry for the grammar, english is not my first language.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
I'm just now reading this thread. While I don't have a lot of personal experience to share I wanted to let you know that I am thinking about you. You sound like a very smart woman that is getting stronger by the day. Don't ever doubt yourself.
Having said all that this sounds like a very high risk situation. Your husband doesn't seem all that stable. Have you contacted a domestic violence hotline to get advice and assistance? They will understand about the type of abuse you are dealing with and help you with safe contingency plans.
Having said all that this sounds like a very high risk situation. Your husband doesn't seem all that stable. Have you contacted a domestic violence hotline to get advice and assistance? They will understand about the type of abuse you are dealing with and help you with safe contingency plans.
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Back East
Posts: 704
Originally Posted by SLady 
Secondly, according to an acoa blog, an acoa has two personalities - the 'True Self' and the 'False Self'.
The False Self is a 'facade' that he projects to the outside world - confident, normal, charming etc., and everyone (including psychiatrist, therapist, social worker in your case) is taken in by him... The 'True Self' is the 'Real Self' - closely links to how an Acoa feels within himself. Deep down, he may feel worthless, a failure, not good enough, has low self esteem, self-hate, deep anger etc.,
We, the spouses, get to see their 'True Self' - the violent rage (in my case), the twisted thinking etc
The False Self is a 'facade' that he projects to the outside world - confident, normal, charming etc., and everyone (including psychiatrist, therapist, social worker in your case) is taken in by him... The 'True Self' is the 'Real Self' - closely links to how an Acoa feels within himself. Deep down, he may feel worthless, a failure, not good enough, has low self esteem, self-hate, deep anger etc.,
We, the spouses, get to see their 'True Self' - the violent rage (in my case), the twisted thinking etc
That said, we certainly do project a different face to the outside world -- a lot of people think we've got it together and are pretty good at handling life, when on the inside, we're barely managing to get through one day to the next.
The twisted thinking that wife-of-ACOA describes is not, I don't think, characteristic of adult children per se -- it sounds more like alcoholics, to me! Which would come as no surprise -- children of alcoholic parents tend to adopt a lot of the same behavior themselves, regardless of whether or not they hit the bottle.
There have been a couple of threads here lately that I find disturbing, having to do with people who are married to ACOA's and think that the characteristics they're seeing are typical of adult children. I don't see that happening, with the ACOA's I meet in real life -- they don't abuse their spouses or control/manipulate/criticize, etc. -- if anything, just the opposite. Certainly a spouse who always tries to deflect criticism and make everything out to be someone else's fault -- that's more like an alcoholic than an ACOA.
T
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
There have been a couple of threads here lately that I find disturbing, having to do with people who are married to ACOA's and think that the characteristics they're seeing are typical of adult children. I don't see that happening, with the ACOA's I meet in real life -- they don't abuse their spouses or control/manipulate/criticize, etc. -- if anything, just the opposite. Certainly a spouse who always tries to deflect criticism and make everything out to be someone else's fault -- that's more like an alcoholic than an ACOA.
T
T
As an alcoholic, I agree with tromboneliness. My twisted thinking is what was called "stinkin thinkin". I was all important, and it was my perception of reality that counted, and no one elses. Being a victim of my alcoholic father and my upbringing excused my behavior. After all, who wouldn't be a drunk with the life I have had. I had many amazing and astounding reasons to drink, and they all belong to someone else.
Now, as an ACOA, that is where I learned to keep secrets. Don't talk, don't feel and one more I can't remember. I could cover up my ex's slips and eff-ups expertly. People believed me because I was good at it.
It went from all about poor pitiful me, to poor pitiful ex who I had to protect from consequences, otherwise, I would have to own my responsibilities for the position I was in.
By the way, the title of the Big Red Book changed and added "dysfunctional" to the cover.
Slady, you write very clearly, and I would not have guessed that English was not your native tongue. Please continue to contribute your thoughts here. I appreciate them.
Beth
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Irish
Posts: 552
The alcoholic ACOAs are the sensetive ones.
I am one of them and the Disease broke out Visably
In me..........So many could see that I had a Big Problem
with alcohol as well as my Hidden Addiction to Tranqualisers.
When I was a Child /Youth/................I
did not cause me to be the way I was,I was Affected by
dysfunctional Parents who used Sedation.....ie Alcohol/Tranx to cope with life.
Eventually I had to use the Same to cope in this world.
So those Hardened to life could abuse me as I had no Proper copeing skills
and I was also Afraid of the Higher Power/GOD.
I needed something to Help me........
Identifacation with other ACOAs was the Start
now Im trying to Live in the Present,and not In
the Past / Future Mind that I was used too.
Learning to be spontanious is where im at....
It takes Power Practice to Stay in This Moment.
Its a Totally different world than my mind was used too.
I can Feel now........Im no Longer a Zombie or a Puppett.
I am one of them and the Disease broke out Visably
In me..........So many could see that I had a Big Problem
with alcohol as well as my Hidden Addiction to Tranqualisers.
When I was a Child /Youth/................I
did not cause me to be the way I was,I was Affected by
dysfunctional Parents who used Sedation.....ie Alcohol/Tranx to cope with life.
Eventually I had to use the Same to cope in this world.
So those Hardened to life could abuse me as I had no Proper copeing skills
and I was also Afraid of the Higher Power/GOD.
I needed something to Help me........
Identifacation with other ACOAs was the Start
now Im trying to Live in the Present,and not In
the Past / Future Mind that I was used too.
Learning to be spontanious is where im at....
It takes Power Practice to Stay in This Moment.
Its a Totally different world than my mind was used too.
I can Feel now........Im no Longer a Zombie or a Puppett.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 47
Hi there, just wanted to comment that as a young ACA with an addict sibling and a mother who is an ACA, I recently lost an amazing man due to my unresolved ACA tendencies. It has been awful but a blessing in disguise because it spurred me to wanting help and recognizing I had a problem. (it's a bit different because my brother was also an active addict at the time my ex left me). I definitely saw things from the twisted viewpoint that SLady brings up - really helpful for understanding.
All I can say is that naranon, research on ACA and therapy are the best answers for change, but he has want it. Only when I woke up to the realities of my life and behavior was I open to change. It took losing an amazing man in my life to get there...I'm now trying to "attract not promote" my new behavior for a second chance with him, but its a process. Maybe the attraction not promotion theory might be something to look into?
All I can say is that naranon, research on ACA and therapy are the best answers for change, but he has want it. Only when I woke up to the realities of my life and behavior was I open to change. It took losing an amazing man in my life to get there...I'm now trying to "attract not promote" my new behavior for a second chance with him, but its a process. Maybe the attraction not promotion theory might be something to look into?
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 42
Originally Posted by tromboneliness
I strongly beg to differ. The True Self is not the hostile, worthless, low-self-esteem person. It's more like the Inner Child -- what we were before we got mashed, folded, spindled, and mutilated by our alcoholic, dysfunctional, or otherwise f890ed-up families.
There have been a couple of threads here lately that I find disturbing, having to do with people who are married to ACOA's and think that the characteristics they're seeing are typical of adult children. I don't see that happening, with the ACOA's I meet in real life -- they don't abuse their spouses or control/manipulate/criticize, etc. -- if anything, just the opposite. Certainly a spouse who always tries to deflect criticism and make everything out to be someone else's fault -- that's more like an alcoholic than an ACOA.
T
There have been a couple of threads here lately that I find disturbing, having to do with people who are married to ACOA's and think that the characteristics they're seeing are typical of adult children. I don't see that happening, with the ACOA's I meet in real life -- they don't abuse their spouses or control/manipulate/criticize, etc. -- if anything, just the opposite. Certainly a spouse who always tries to deflect criticism and make everything out to be someone else's fault -- that's more like an alcoholic than an ACOA.
T
He is definitely not abusive or cruel. On the contrary, he can be 'too trusting to the point of being naive'. Unfortunately, other people see this as a sign of weakness (not a virtue) and tried to take advantage of him or emotionally abuse him. So as a result, he attracted many 'negative' people in his life. Nowadays, these type of people will not be able get to him because I will
kick their ass LOL!
What I notice: When we were having rows and our home environment was no longer stable and mimicked his dysfunctional childhood home, it seemed to bring out the worst ACOA traits? in him eg., self destructive tendencies, lying etc,
But as soon as he lost contact with this dysfunctional person related to his past and we stopped having rows, he went back to his 'normal' old self again - the person I knew for the last 23 years.
Siblingofaddict, it will be very difficult for someone who lived in a non-dysfunctional family to cope with living within a dysfunctional family, it will a shock to his system. If you want to be deeply involved with your family thats fine but I don't think you should expect your partner to have to deal with your family on a daily basis, it will be too much for him to handle.
My 2 cents worth.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 78
I get confused by this man and I feel so guilty sometimes when he goes through these 'nice' periods. I wind up feeling like I've misjudged him. He went off on me a couple of days ago because I "provoked" him to anger by feeding our children peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. He believes that they are junk food and and that I'm starving them...blah, blah, blah...
Anywho, it was my fault (his words) that he got angry because I knew that he didn't like pb and j sandwiches. Yes, I knew that but I didn't think it meant I wasn't allowed to feed them pb and j sandwiches.
So, then for the last couple of days he's been super nice and he even made supper. He never makes supper.
This is probably the cycle isn't? I was so blown away by how he reacted over my sandwiches, I didn't yell or anything, I never do because he doesn't hear me and he'll just get louder instead.
My Mom keeps reminding me that this is not good for the kids. It's hard though. I keep thinking, but it's not so bad he doesn't hit me. But I don't know what my children are seeing from this. I really don't. I don't know how they're perceiving me or anything because in those moments with him I'm just waiting for him to calm down.
I'm thinking of keeping a log where I write down the chaos and then the calm and then see how long before the chaos hits again. I should really do that. I would need to keep it hidden and coded though.
It's so hard because I wind up being so confused by him. He's totally irrational and then he's soooooooooooo amazing that I think that he's better or that things are getting better.
I know I need to change this life if it's going to be better for my children. I just don't even know how to do that.
I don't have a job, I'm taking courses, I would have no home, no family nearby (they live in a different country), no money. My two youngest aren't able to go to school yet.
Maybe I can leave when they're school-aged. My youngest will be in kindergarten in 2 1/2 years. Because then at least I'd be able to get a day job.
Pray for me. Good news is that I don't think of 'toughing it out' as much as I used to. He needs help, I know that.
I think I really am going to record things and see how far the dates between episodes goes. He's just such a time bomb sometimes.
Anywho, it was my fault (his words) that he got angry because I knew that he didn't like pb and j sandwiches. Yes, I knew that but I didn't think it meant I wasn't allowed to feed them pb and j sandwiches.
So, then for the last couple of days he's been super nice and he even made supper. He never makes supper.
This is probably the cycle isn't? I was so blown away by how he reacted over my sandwiches, I didn't yell or anything, I never do because he doesn't hear me and he'll just get louder instead.
My Mom keeps reminding me that this is not good for the kids. It's hard though. I keep thinking, but it's not so bad he doesn't hit me. But I don't know what my children are seeing from this. I really don't. I don't know how they're perceiving me or anything because in those moments with him I'm just waiting for him to calm down.
I'm thinking of keeping a log where I write down the chaos and then the calm and then see how long before the chaos hits again. I should really do that. I would need to keep it hidden and coded though.
It's so hard because I wind up being so confused by him. He's totally irrational and then he's soooooooooooo amazing that I think that he's better or that things are getting better.
I know I need to change this life if it's going to be better for my children. I just don't even know how to do that.
I don't have a job, I'm taking courses, I would have no home, no family nearby (they live in a different country), no money. My two youngest aren't able to go to school yet.
Maybe I can leave when they're school-aged. My youngest will be in kindergarten in 2 1/2 years. Because then at least I'd be able to get a day job.
Pray for me. Good news is that I don't think of 'toughing it out' as much as I used to. He needs help, I know that.
I think I really am going to record things and see how far the dates between episodes goes. He's just such a time bomb sometimes.
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Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
WifeofanACOA, I usually post in the friends and family of an alcoholic forum but read here because I am also an ACOA.
One of the big things we learn in Al-Anon it the 3 c's. You didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it. His problems are his problems and he will deal with them when he is ready. I found that I have no control over my alcoholic wife's behavior, drinking or otherwise. I really started to get healthy when I accepted that at face value and quit assuming the responsibility for her behaviors. It was a huge weight off of my shoulders. I am only responsible for my choices and my attitudes. That's it.
You might want to consider going to al-anon yourself. You are being affected by someone else's drinking. You are being affected by your husbands reactions to his father's drinking. This is why alcoholism is called the family disease. It keeps giving generation after generation.
Al-anon can give you the tools you need to improve your life and regain your happiness and even serenity. I was in a very dark place at one time and thanks to this site and al-anon I am now well centered and happy.
Your friend,
Edit: One thing that has helped me recently in dealing with my wife, we are separated after 36 years of marriage, is instead of confusing myself with issues of love and thing like that I have asked myself, do I like her.
Sadly the answer is no. I see no reason to spend my life with someone I don't like, but that's just me.
One of the big things we learn in Al-Anon it the 3 c's. You didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it. His problems are his problems and he will deal with them when he is ready. I found that I have no control over my alcoholic wife's behavior, drinking or otherwise. I really started to get healthy when I accepted that at face value and quit assuming the responsibility for her behaviors. It was a huge weight off of my shoulders. I am only responsible for my choices and my attitudes. That's it.
You might want to consider going to al-anon yourself. You are being affected by someone else's drinking. You are being affected by your husbands reactions to his father's drinking. This is why alcoholism is called the family disease. It keeps giving generation after generation.
Al-anon can give you the tools you need to improve your life and regain your happiness and even serenity. I was in a very dark place at one time and thanks to this site and al-anon I am now well centered and happy.
Your friend,
Edit: One thing that has helped me recently in dealing with my wife, we are separated after 36 years of marriage, is instead of confusing myself with issues of love and thing like that I have asked myself, do I like her.
Sadly the answer is no. I see no reason to spend my life with someone I don't like, but that's just me.
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