Don't know how to feel
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Las Vegas, NV
Posts: 315
Don't know how to feel
I am on vacation with my fiancé and his family on a river boat in France. I haven't talked to my mom in over a year due to her alcoholism and drug addiction and the manipulation she used on me to take care of her and clean up her messes. I got a phone call tonight that she was found in her town home passed away. Police are calling it suspicious. But I think she just hurt herself again. Either way she is gone. I also found out (right before this) that my daughter is having identical twins. Such a damn roller coaster. I buried both my moms parents because she wasn't sober enough to do it and my half brother, who she actually raised (my grandparents raised me) is on his way to take care of things. I can't make phone calls or FaceTime. I have spotty Internet and can only do text. Part of me feels relief that am so far away and part of me is angry and a lot of me is sad for all the things that are now lost forever. Even though I know they would never be even if she was alive I guess we always hope. My kids and fiancé are wonderful and my daughter who is pregnant with twins is holding the family together at home. I have one daughter in Germany, one on the other side of the country and 2 in the town she passed away in. Part of me wants to go home but everyone is saying no, finish your vacation. We have a week left. What a jolt. So it's middle of the night and I'm trying to sleep but I can't. Thanks to you all for listening.
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Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 146
You don't have to know how to feel. Just feel it and acknowledge that your feelings are honest. It is okay to feel angry, sad, cheated, etc. Grieving her death is an important part of your healing and your ability to ultimately forgive your mom. Forgiveness may or may not come, but the act of forgiving is to give the inflicted (you) peace. It is not for the benefit of the inflictor (your mom). I am praying for peace for you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Las Vegas, NV
Posts: 315
Thanks for that, caretaker. I didn't expect to feel so sad although I am sad for opportunities lost, even though they may not have happened even if she was alive. I'm angry that she put me in this situation. And I am relieved that it's finally over. And of course guilty for feeling relieved. I just have to remind myself that I am allowed to feel all these feelings, I usually don't. But now may be the time to let go and start feeling again.
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Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 254
boy am i glad i passed through and remembered my log in info!
oh ajarlson. we knew this day would come for each of us but we could only guess at how it would effect us... and now it's your reality.
i'm sorry your mom died. i'm sorry she wasn't really your MOM, that she was never who and what you needed her to be and disappointed and hurt you so many countless times and in so many unusual and crazy-making ways. i'm sorry you had to hear about it on your vacation!
you've been through so much with her, with this. and now it's water, floating away. you are so strong. but you get to feel however you're feeling right at that moment. you get to feel just as sad, or just as ambivalent, as the moment allows.
i'm thinking about you. pretty big stuff. congrats on the twins (!) and thanks for always being there for me!
oh ajarlson. we knew this day would come for each of us but we could only guess at how it would effect us... and now it's your reality.
i'm sorry your mom died. i'm sorry she wasn't really your MOM, that she was never who and what you needed her to be and disappointed and hurt you so many countless times and in so many unusual and crazy-making ways. i'm sorry you had to hear about it on your vacation!
you've been through so much with her, with this. and now it's water, floating away. you are so strong. but you get to feel however you're feeling right at that moment. you get to feel just as sad, or just as ambivalent, as the moment allows.
i'm thinking about you. pretty big stuff. congrats on the twins (!) and thanks for always being there for me!
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
>> ... I am on vacation with my fiancé and his family ....
Good heavens, I can't imagine how you would not feel a million different feelings all at the same time.
>>... Even though I know they would never be even if she was alive I guess we always hope.
Well of course, you would have to be a rock to not have hope for a better future.
>> ... Part of me wants to go home....
Naturally. This is huge. Losing a parent is a huge emotional storm for "normal" people, for us ACoA's it's all that plus all the "dysfunction".
My Father, Uncle and Aunt all died within 3 weeks of each other. All from "complications of alcoholism". I had reached a level of serenity and acceptance with them, similar to what you have described in other posts. I had plenty of therapy and meetings and good support in my "toolkit". All of which helped, but I still had a good sized "stew" of emotions bubble and mess with my sanity.
Please post all you want, even if it is just a few texts. We are here for you.
Mike
Good heavens, I can't imagine how you would not feel a million different feelings all at the same time.
>>... Even though I know they would never be even if she was alive I guess we always hope.
Well of course, you would have to be a rock to not have hope for a better future.
>> ... Part of me wants to go home....
Naturally. This is huge. Losing a parent is a huge emotional storm for "normal" people, for us ACoA's it's all that plus all the "dysfunction".
My Father, Uncle and Aunt all died within 3 weeks of each other. All from "complications of alcoholism". I had reached a level of serenity and acceptance with them, similar to what you have described in other posts. I had plenty of therapy and meetings and good support in my "toolkit". All of which helped, but I still had a good sized "stew" of emotions bubble and mess with my sanity.
Please post all you want, even if it is just a few texts. We are here for you.
Mike
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Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
Dear Ajarlson
"Let the dead bury their dead."
You are in a beautiful place right now with people who love you. I am proud of you for what you have accomplished in life, in spite of having a toxic FOO.
I pray that you will find peace.
"Let the dead bury their dead."
You are in a beautiful place right now with people who love you. I am proud of you for what you have accomplished in life, in spite of having a toxic FOO.
I pray that you will find peace.
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