Alcoholic Mother in ICU
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
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(((DW))) - it took me a little bit of this, a little bit of that (learning from the great people here) to figure a way I could be supportive but also keep my sanity, living in dysfunction junction. My dad would tell me "but I don't have anyone else to talk to" and I finally told him "and that's something only you can change". He'd mentioned talking to our pastor, went to two al-anon meetings, I'd given him al-anon online info, and would just remind him that he COULD find someone else to talk to.
He got mad, sometimes, but I held firm. Things change, and sometimes I have to set another boundary. School has helped, when I'm not feeling quite strong enough to just say "I don't want to hear/deal with this"..I can always say "oh wow, gotta study". Sure, it would be better to just deal with it at the time, but I'm human, sometimes I just don't have it in me.
I know that her being so vicious touches a raw nerve in you. The good news is, we can get to the point that it doesn't have that impact. Takes time, support, venting
and whatever else, but at some point I could say "that's just what they do" and realize it has nothing to do with me..the 3 c's - didn't cause it, can't change it, can't cure it.
The best we can do is take care of ourselves. We really can love from a distance, we can shut out those who only complicate our lives and/or cause us pain.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
He got mad, sometimes, but I held firm. Things change, and sometimes I have to set another boundary. School has helped, when I'm not feeling quite strong enough to just say "I don't want to hear/deal with this"..I can always say "oh wow, gotta study". Sure, it would be better to just deal with it at the time, but I'm human, sometimes I just don't have it in me.
I know that her being so vicious touches a raw nerve in you. The good news is, we can get to the point that it doesn't have that impact. Takes time, support, venting
and whatever else, but at some point I could say "that's just what they do" and realize it has nothing to do with me..the 3 c's - didn't cause it, can't change it, can't cure it. The best we can do is take care of ourselves. We really can love from a distance, we can shut out those who only complicate our lives and/or cause us pain.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 112
Thanks, Amy!
I have been studying a LOT all weekend, spending time with my own family and trying not to get roped up in whatever is going on down there. It's too much. I am going to distance myself as much as I can. I really have had enough.
I have been studying a LOT all weekend, spending time with my own family and trying not to get roped up in whatever is going on down there. It's too much. I am going to distance myself as much as I can. I really have had enough.
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Columbia MO
Posts: 1,127
Hey DW I hope your doing ok, glad you have been able to pull back and focus in your family.
Been away all weekend, took my dad to his annual reunion down in the bootheel and went to a funeral for an old family friend, but you and your were never far from my thoughts.
Bill
Been away all weekend, took my dad to his annual reunion down in the bootheel and went to a funeral for an old family friend, but you and your were never far from my thoughts.
Bill
Hope you are doing okay.
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Columbia MO
Posts: 1,127
doublewhammy & Impurrfect,
Thanks to both of you for your concern and support, this was so sad, our friend grew up with my dad and they were very close, we have not been able to see him for the last 3 years because his children isolated him in a relatives basement apartment away from all his friends, they got control of his money and spent it on themselves, they even sold all his possessions.
He was so sad and lonely, we found out he spent the last 3 months in hospice, they would not even let us see him when they knew he was dying, my dad is a big strong guy, I have only seen him cry one other time in my life, but he just broke down at the visitation, they literally starved him to death, I was so mad that I had to walk outside and calm down.
How could anyone do that to a parent, I hate them so much right now, I wanted to have it out with them right there in front of the body but my dad asked me to just let it go, he believes they will get their due when they come before god for judgement, personally I don't want to wait that long.
I hope they choke on the money they stole from him, my only happiness in all this is that he is at least at peace now.
Thanks again for your support, I am sorry, I was not going to bring this up to all of you, there are so many more important issues right now.
I am going to try and refocus my energy on firecallie I know she needs the support right now.
As always, you will be in my thoughts, peace be with you.
Bill
Thanks to both of you for your concern and support, this was so sad, our friend grew up with my dad and they were very close, we have not been able to see him for the last 3 years because his children isolated him in a relatives basement apartment away from all his friends, they got control of his money and spent it on themselves, they even sold all his possessions.
He was so sad and lonely, we found out he spent the last 3 months in hospice, they would not even let us see him when they knew he was dying, my dad is a big strong guy, I have only seen him cry one other time in my life, but he just broke down at the visitation, they literally starved him to death, I was so mad that I had to walk outside and calm down.
How could anyone do that to a parent, I hate them so much right now, I wanted to have it out with them right there in front of the body but my dad asked me to just let it go, he believes they will get their due when they come before god for judgement, personally I don't want to wait that long.
I hope they choke on the money they stole from him, my only happiness in all this is that he is at least at peace now.
Thanks again for your support, I am sorry, I was not going to bring this up to all of you, there are so many more important issues right now.
I am going to try and refocus my energy on firecallie I know she needs the support right now.
As always, you will be in my thoughts, peace be with you.
Bill
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 112
Please do not be sorry. Your pain is just as important as anyone else. That's a horrible situation and a horrible way to spend your last months. It's very sad that your dad and your family were unable to see him to say goodbye. Heartbreaking. So sorry for your pain and for the selfish acts of your friend's family. It always amazes me when I hear stories like this, but it is seemingly more common than we realize. Does not make it any less sad. My sympathies. May your friend rest in peace. Take good care of yourself.
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 112
Thanks, Bill.
It worked. I ACED it! 100%!! I turned it around...I was so determined not to let her distract me that it made me try harder and I double checked all my answers this time. No careless mistakes!
It worked. I ACED it! 100%!! I turned it around...I was so determined not to let her distract me that it made me try harder and I double checked all my answers this time. No careless mistakes!
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Bill))) - I'd be wanting to see the karma police get hold of that man's family, SOON, too. I do believe what goes around comes around, but will focus on being grateful he is at peace.
(((DW))) - way to go on the quiz!!! Wanna come take one of the 5 I have due this week? BTW, next time she calls? "oops, gotta go!" and click works pretty well. I would say tell her you didn't want to hear her BS and lies, but don't think she's able to comprehend that. Hope she doesn't make a habit of this, for your sake.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
(((DW))) - way to go on the quiz!!! Wanna come take one of the 5 I have due this week?
BTW, next time she calls? "oops, gotta go!" and click works pretty well. I would say tell her you didn't want to hear her BS and lies, but don't think she's able to comprehend that. Hope she doesn't make a habit of this, for your sake.Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Columbia MO
Posts: 1,127
Hey Amy, thanks for the reminder that we should let the deity handle these type of people.
I am so glad I graduated before I had a family to worry about, working full time and going to scholl at night was more than enough for me.
Best of luck on those quizzes.
Bill
I am so glad I graduated before I had a family to worry about, working full time and going to scholl at night was more than enough for me.
Best of luck on those quizzes.
Bill
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 112
5 quizzes in a week? No, thank you! I'm barely hanging on with just 3. Thankfully I have an ENG class with no quizzes, just papers. Though, I'd almost rather have a quiz. Essays are not my thing! I thought about taking the CLEP test to get out of it, but I don't think it would have transferred should I pursue a higher degree down the line. So...I'm getting it out of the way. That was a lot of babble. Sorry!
I have no idea what I could have done differently in this convo with my mother. It was pretty short and went sort of like this:
Mom: Hi, it's [insert first name]
(WTH, now she's referring to herself as her name instead of "mom". You know what, at this point, that's A-Okay with me!!)
Me: pause.....Ok
Mom: wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah waaaaahhhhhhh, wah, wahh wahhhhh (think Charlie Brown teacher)
Me: silence
Mom: wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, waaaaaaaah, wah.
Me: Uh huh
Mom: See, I knew I shouldn't have called you. My mother told me not to. Nevermind, I shouldn't have called. I knew this would happen. FORGET IT. BYE. --- CLICK...she hangs up on me.
Now, there was a part of me that wanted to call her back. I have SO much I'd like to say to her. I so badly wanted to give her a real piece of my mind - it was my chance and then she gets to hang up on me. Why does she get that satisfaction? I so badly wanted to tell her I knew everything she was saying was B.S. and to save her breath, but I didn't. Not sure why. I feel slightly ripped off. Then again I feel slightly relieved I didn't say anything and she hung up and I could go on my merry way. It was bizarre though. I said nothing, yet that pissed her off. If I had said what I wanted, that would have pissed her off. You can't win with these people, I swear!
I am just glad I was able to put her out of my mind and focus on school. I am really starting to just be done with her, I think. It is just getting boring at this point. If that makes any sense. No shock value anymore, no surprises, no disappointments, it just *is*.
I have no idea what I could have done differently in this convo with my mother. It was pretty short and went sort of like this:
Mom: Hi, it's [insert first name]
(WTH, now she's referring to herself as her name instead of "mom". You know what, at this point, that's A-Okay with me!!)
Me: pause.....Ok
Mom: wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah waaaaahhhhhhh, wah, wahh wahhhhh (think Charlie Brown teacher)
Me: silence
Mom: wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, waaaaaaaah, wah.
Me: Uh huh
Mom: See, I knew I shouldn't have called you. My mother told me not to. Nevermind, I shouldn't have called. I knew this would happen. FORGET IT. BYE. --- CLICK...she hangs up on me.
Now, there was a part of me that wanted to call her back. I have SO much I'd like to say to her. I so badly wanted to give her a real piece of my mind - it was my chance and then she gets to hang up on me. Why does she get that satisfaction? I so badly wanted to tell her I knew everything she was saying was B.S. and to save her breath, but I didn't. Not sure why. I feel slightly ripped off. Then again I feel slightly relieved I didn't say anything and she hung up and I could go on my merry way. It was bizarre though. I said nothing, yet that pissed her off. If I had said what I wanted, that would have pissed her off. You can't win with these people, I swear!
I am just glad I was able to put her out of my mind and focus on school. I am really starting to just be done with her, I think. It is just getting boring at this point. If that makes any sense. No shock value anymore, no surprises, no disappointments, it just *is*.
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Columbia MO
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My mom is the same way, and she does it to everyone, she gets ripped and calls people up to "see how they are" but what she really wants is for someone to listen to her BS and then when it's their turn to share she says "gotta go" and hangs up.
My dad mostly walks away because arguing with her is pointless, but lately he just tells her "you are drunk and acting like a a-hole" which sends the whole building up in flames.
Anymore I just let her ramble, ingore what she's saying and return to whatever I was doing, giving her advice is pointless.
When I was working on an essay I locked myself away or went to the library, I hated to have anyone break my train of thought.
I am sure you will do a great job.
Take care,
Bill
My dad mostly walks away because arguing with her is pointless, but lately he just tells her "you are drunk and acting like a a-hole" which sends the whole building up in flames.
Anymore I just let her ramble, ingore what she's saying and return to whatever I was doing, giving her advice is pointless.
When I was working on an essay I locked myself away or went to the library, I hated to have anyone break my train of thought.
I am sure you will do a great job.
Take care,
Bill
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((DW))) - totally understand the wanting to give her a piece of your mind. My niece and I used to really get into it and I finally realized the best thing was for me to just walk away. Nearly bit my tongue in two, but it worked. Right now she's in there raising hell about something, I was part of it, though didn't hear the whole conversation and when I opened my door, she shut up.
I COULD go and ask what the problem is, but I'm not going to. Something to do with me not washing dishes? I wash MY dishes I use, but there are 3 very capable people in this house to wash their own, and TWO of them don't work, including the niece. Let HER try to do all I'm doing for school. Would I love to give her a piece of my mind? Ask her why she can go visit the bf, go to the store, but can't go to the school to get info on her GED? Yeah, I would, but it's just not worth it. It took me quite a while to get to this point, though, so be patient with yourself.
Yes, I have 5 quizzes most weeks, AND have papers in every class. They aren't MY thing either, but apparently we will have them throughout the course and everything has to be in "proper APA format"..I haven't taken English since my first degree in 1981, so am more than rusty, but have one awesome instructor who is helping me out.
I, too, am glad I can just close the 2 doors to my bedroom and focus on school. I can't just sit in this house...way too many issues going on and I'd go crazy, so if I'm not studying, I'm doing the one job I held onto. It's part of why my dad still works so hard as an expediter..though we depend on his income, he'll be the first to tell you he has to get out of this house.
Dysfunction junction lives on....sigh.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
I COULD go and ask what the problem is, but I'm not going to. Something to do with me not washing dishes? I wash MY dishes I use, but there are 3 very capable people in this house to wash their own, and TWO of them don't work, including the niece. Let HER try to do all I'm doing for school. Would I love to give her a piece of my mind? Ask her why she can go visit the bf, go to the store, but can't go to the school to get info on her GED? Yeah, I would, but it's just not worth it. It took me quite a while to get to this point, though, so be patient with yourself.
Yes, I have 5 quizzes most weeks, AND have papers in every class. They aren't MY thing either, but apparently we will have them throughout the course and everything has to be in "proper APA format"..I haven't taken English since my first degree in 1981, so am more than rusty, but have one awesome instructor who is helping me out.
I, too, am glad I can just close the 2 doors to my bedroom and focus on school. I can't just sit in this house...way too many issues going on and I'd go crazy, so if I'm not studying, I'm doing the one job I held onto. It's part of why my dad still works so hard as an expediter..though we depend on his income, he'll be the first to tell you he has to get out of this house.
Dysfunction junction lives on....sigh.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Back East
Posts: 704
Originally Posted by doublewhammy 
Mom: wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah waaaaahhhhhhh, wah, wahh wahhhhh (think Charlie Brown teacher)
FORGET IT. BYE. --- CLICK...she hangs up on me.
FORGET IT. BYE. --- CLICK...she hangs up on me.
Well played!
T
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 112
Yes, you are right. Again.
My brother sent me a photo today on my cell phone. It was of my mother parked in front of the liquor store and the message that went along with it. "This is mom getting a mammogram."
I could have let this get me all worked up. Why? Because as I stated before she's been telling people she has "massive" breast cancer (whatever that means) -- and now she's claiming to just be going for a mammogram. Hmm, don't the diagnostics take place before the diagnosis? Or, because her sister truly is a breast cancer survivor and it's so twisted for her to make a mockery of something so serious (and that she could very well REALLY be diagnosed with at some point, since there is a genetic component). And, then of course that my brother lives with this daily and followed her to see if she was really going to get a mammogram and of course finds his suspicions to be correct...she went to drink instead.
All those things could have really made me mad...and I obviously thought of them in hindsight....BUT, I laughed. I actually laughed. At this point, it's just comical. It sort of seems wrong for me to laugh about this, because the bigger picture is SO not funny and some people are believing her nonsense. But..I did laugh and I do think it's sort of funny and I just don't care what anyone thinks anymore.
W-H-A-T-E-V-E-R!!! Her life...not mine. Not anymore!
My brother sent me a photo today on my cell phone. It was of my mother parked in front of the liquor store and the message that went along with it. "This is mom getting a mammogram."
I could have let this get me all worked up. Why? Because as I stated before she's been telling people she has "massive" breast cancer (whatever that means) -- and now she's claiming to just be going for a mammogram. Hmm, don't the diagnostics take place before the diagnosis? Or, because her sister truly is a breast cancer survivor and it's so twisted for her to make a mockery of something so serious (and that she could very well REALLY be diagnosed with at some point, since there is a genetic component). And, then of course that my brother lives with this daily and followed her to see if she was really going to get a mammogram and of course finds his suspicions to be correct...she went to drink instead.
All those things could have really made me mad...and I obviously thought of them in hindsight....BUT, I laughed. I actually laughed. At this point, it's just comical. It sort of seems wrong for me to laugh about this, because the bigger picture is SO not funny and some people are believing her nonsense. But..I did laugh and I do think it's sort of funny and I just don't care what anyone thinks anymore.
W-H-A-T-E-V-E-R!!! Her life...not mine. Not anymore!
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