Alcoholic Mother in ICU
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Back East
Posts: 704
Originally Posted by doublewhammy 
Trombone, I was initially very concerned as soon as I heard the term MRSA. The dr. told my dad it was in her nose and probably from the tubes, etc. and likely from her previous hospital stay. My brother was the one that initially learned about it yesterday morning when he went to visit and they had him get all covered up. I got all worked up telling them to scour the house from top to bottom, bleach everything, etc.
THEN, last night both my brothers went back to the hospital and were told they didn't need to worry about it and it wasn't really MRSA. I really don't know what the heck is going on over there. It's frustrating.
THEN, last night both my brothers went back to the hospital and were told they didn't need to worry about it and it wasn't really MRSA. I really don't know what the heck is going on over there. It's frustrating.
T
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 112
Thanks everyone. No worries Trombone, I would rather be over prepared than under. I am sorry for what happened to your mother. 
Firecallie, the best advice I can give you is to loosen the grip now. No matter what you try to do it isn't going to change them. Even if she goes to the hospital, nothing is likely to change unless SHE wants to change. If/when that will ever happen, we don't know. It gets exhausting trying to outsmart them and trying to wrack your brain covering all possible bases...and then not getting anywhere. You will find yourself running in place. Try to find some peace in just living your own life to the best of your ability. I know it's so hard, but it's all you can do.
My dad in a roundabout way asked me to call the hospital today to talk to the social worker. Sounded like he was tired of it and didn't want to deal with it. I declined. I am not doing it anymore, either. She is in a hospital for crying out loud, if she wants help it's everywhere around her. Whatever I say to them is not going to make one bit of difference anymore. I surrender!
As for her progress today...she is doing "much better" - not on liquids anymore, eating solids again and seems to understand more. Though she told the nurse she was in a town about an hour away when they asked if she knew where she was. Then in the same breath they say the seroquel seems to be helping her mental ability. Who knows. The sooner she gets out the sooner she does it again, I'd rather her just sit in that bed doing nothing. Of course, I know they can't keep her there.
Firecallie, the best advice I can give you is to loosen the grip now. No matter what you try to do it isn't going to change them. Even if she goes to the hospital, nothing is likely to change unless SHE wants to change. If/when that will ever happen, we don't know. It gets exhausting trying to outsmart them and trying to wrack your brain covering all possible bases...and then not getting anywhere. You will find yourself running in place. Try to find some peace in just living your own life to the best of your ability. I know it's so hard, but it's all you can do.
My dad in a roundabout way asked me to call the hospital today to talk to the social worker. Sounded like he was tired of it and didn't want to deal with it. I declined. I am not doing it anymore, either. She is in a hospital for crying out loud, if she wants help it's everywhere around her. Whatever I say to them is not going to make one bit of difference anymore. I surrender!
As for her progress today...she is doing "much better" - not on liquids anymore, eating solids again and seems to understand more. Though she told the nurse she was in a town about an hour away when they asked if she knew where she was. Then in the same breath they say the seroquel seems to be helping her mental ability. Who knows. The sooner she gets out the sooner she does it again, I'd rather her just sit in that bed doing nothing. Of course, I know they can't keep her there.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((DW))) - I'm glad you stayed out of it, even though I know your dad has had it, too. FWIW, social workers in hospitals are often called in when there is no family, or the family has "had it" and the staff has to deal with them. Not always, but I've seen it happen quite a few times. The outcomes weren't always great, sometimes they DID just get them better, release them, but I did see some better outcomes. I guess with your dad being financially responsible, that doesn't help as if they forced her into rehab, he'd have to foot the bill on top of everything else.
I also understand the wishing she'd just stay there. It's similar to the parents and loved ones, here, who have someone in jail. Unless someone has BEEN through it, you can't possibly understand how someone would want a loved one locked up or kept in a hospital or mental ward. I get it, as do most of the people here.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
I also understand the wishing she'd just stay there. It's similar to the parents and loved ones, here, who have someone in jail. Unless someone has BEEN through it, you can't possibly understand how someone would want a loved one locked up or kept in a hospital or mental ward. I get it, as do most of the people here.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: TX
Posts: 43
doublewhammy, what you said really rings a bell. My mom is so sick right now and I think her liver is failing. The police said that they can't force her into going to the hospital. If she did I either think that
1. she will never get out
2. she would turn around and do it again
I'm praying for you.
1. she will never get out
2. she would turn around and do it again
I'm praying for you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 112
Thank you, everyone! All of your thoughts are very much appreciated!
At this point there is not a lot to report. My dad had an appt. with the social worker today and she forgot about it. Go figure. He waited an hour and she wasn't able to meet with him. My mom has been in this hospital again now for 8 days and my dad was just told she now has pneumonia. So....she will probably be there for a little bit longer. They seem to think she is doing a bit better mentally and give credit to the medication for that, but I tend to think it's because her ammonia levels are back down after all the IV meds/vitamins/fluids, etc. That's what always happens. But...what do I know.
That's about all I have to report. I'm just wiped out from all of this. It's too much. And, that's without me making all the calls this time...
Hope all of you are having a good (given many of the circumstances!) day today!! Stay strong and positive and don't forget to take care of YOU.
At this point there is not a lot to report. My dad had an appt. with the social worker today and she forgot about it. Go figure. He waited an hour and she wasn't able to meet with him. My mom has been in this hospital again now for 8 days and my dad was just told she now has pneumonia. So....she will probably be there for a little bit longer. They seem to think she is doing a bit better mentally and give credit to the medication for that, but I tend to think it's because her ammonia levels are back down after all the IV meds/vitamins/fluids, etc. That's what always happens. But...what do I know.
That's about all I have to report. I'm just wiped out from all of this. It's too much. And, that's without me making all the calls this time...
Hope all of you are having a good (given many of the circumstances!) day today!! Stay strong and positive and don't forget to take care of YOU.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((DW))) - the codie in me wants to go to that hospital and raise holy heck with the social worker being a no-show 
I agree that it's probably the ammonia level going down, but the seroquel may be helping, too. No way to really know.
I feel your frustration all the way here in south Atlanta, but am also sending you lots and lots of hugs, as I know this is incredibly hard.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
I agree that it's probably the ammonia level going down, but the seroquel may be helping, too. No way to really know.
I feel your frustration all the way here in south Atlanta, but am also sending you lots and lots of hugs, as I know this is incredibly hard.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 112
Social worker finally called my Dad. However, she was completely useless. Really knew nothing about my mother, or that she was even on the meds and told my Dad she had been off all weekend and really wasn't up to speed on things. Well....then WTH did you call for? I swear.
Frustrated..is that all I sound like? Well, than I must be doing a good job at keeping my composure. Hehehe.
Frustrated..is that all I sound like? Well, than I must be doing a good job at keeping my composure. Hehehe.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 112
So...get this. Yesterday, pneumonia and being stood up by the social worker. Today...discharged! My dad just got a call from the nurse, they are discharging her and she wanted to know what she had at home for her diabetes. WTF? She doesn't have diabetes. He asked her what the h*ll was going on, said he was still waiting for a call back from the Dr. for days, never heard from anyone, social worker was clueless and no one has told him anything. Yesterday when he was there he was told she has pneumonia, now she is being sent home. A few days before, she supposedly had MRSA. WHAT IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE?
So, he has no idea what is going on with her but she's on her way home. GREAT! Just great. Here we go again.
So, he has no idea what is going on with her but she's on her way home. GREAT! Just great. Here we go again.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: NC
Posts: 1,737
DW,
I am sorry you and your family are having to fight the hospital's incompetance on top of your mothers issues. I don't know if it would be worth asking for, but would it be possible to get a copy of all her medical records if they are so confident that she should be discharged?
I don't know what state you live in, but I believe most have a state level agency that regulates and licenses hospitals. Discharging your mother at this point is insane. I cannot imagine how any physician would put his name on the paperwork stating that she is suitable for discharge. If nothing else, it might be worth calling the licensing agency to see if they have a patient advocate office that can be contacted for advice on how to handle this.
Good luck - you and your family are in my prayers.
I am sorry you and your family are having to fight the hospital's incompetance on top of your mothers issues. I don't know if it would be worth asking for, but would it be possible to get a copy of all her medical records if they are so confident that she should be discharged?
I don't know what state you live in, but I believe most have a state level agency that regulates and licenses hospitals. Discharging your mother at this point is insane. I cannot imagine how any physician would put his name on the paperwork stating that she is suitable for discharge. If nothing else, it might be worth calling the licensing agency to see if they have a patient advocate office that can be contacted for advice on how to handle this.
Good luck - you and your family are in my prayers.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((DW))) - your dad can ask to speak to a hospital administrator, but I don't know that they would keep admit her back. At the very least, they severely messed up on the "discharge planning" part where they make sure the patient and family are aware of what needs to be done (in your case, your family because your mom doesn't seem capable of grasping anything).
I'm really sorry...this is so wrong on so many accounts. I know you can check out the dr. on the AMA website, see if he's had any previous issues, and lodge a complaint, but that still doesn't solve the problem of what to do with your mom now.
Mega hugs and prayers,
Amy
I'm really sorry...this is so wrong on so many accounts. I know you can check out the dr. on the AMA website, see if he's had any previous issues, and lodge a complaint, but that still doesn't solve the problem of what to do with your mom now.
Mega hugs and prayers,
Amy
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 112
Thank you, everyone. I will pass along your suggestions to my father. At this point, I'm just emotionally drained from it all and feeling the need to step out of the equation more. Of course, I will still talk to my dad and will know what is going on, but my involvement is going to be very little more than a support system for him and my brothers. I thought about this very hard last night and it's just come to the point that I am realizing all my efforts, research, etc. is just becoming pointless. At the end of the day, I am wiped out from mental and physical exhaustion and my mother will be carefree and clueless to it all and continue to kill herself with alcohol.
Last night after she got home my dad said she was on the phone all night telling people she has "massive" breast cancer. Does she really think that? Is she lying just to make an excuse for being in the hospital? Does she really think people don't know why she was REALLY in the hospital? Who knows. This entire situation has reached a level of ridiculous that I just can not deal with anymore.
One of my sisters filed a petition with the courts to try to have her mandated to go to rehab. I am not sure how that will work, or if she will even show up to court, etc. when she is served. Even still...we all know that someone has to want to get clean. She's already been through detox in the hospital more then once. So...it's all mental after that and I don't see how 30 days of mandated rehab will be any different then her hospital "vacations" to be honest. However, I don't blame her for trying. Everyone copes in their own ways and I'm sure she needed to try doing this to have peace within herself in this situation.
Frankly, I'm over it.
Last night after she got home my dad said she was on the phone all night telling people she has "massive" breast cancer. Does she really think that? Is she lying just to make an excuse for being in the hospital? Does she really think people don't know why she was REALLY in the hospital? Who knows. This entire situation has reached a level of ridiculous that I just can not deal with anymore.
One of my sisters filed a petition with the courts to try to have her mandated to go to rehab. I am not sure how that will work, or if she will even show up to court, etc. when she is served. Even still...we all know that someone has to want to get clean. She's already been through detox in the hospital more then once. So...it's all mental after that and I don't see how 30 days of mandated rehab will be any different then her hospital "vacations" to be honest. However, I don't blame her for trying. Everyone copes in their own ways and I'm sure she needed to try doing this to have peace within herself in this situation.
Frankly, I'm over it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 112
Thank you!! You are so sweet. I am hanging in. It's hard, but it is what it is. I have been staying busy with my family and my classes so that helps. Though I feel that the drama with my mother does interfere with my focus on school sometimes. For example, I got a 92 on a quiz the other day. When I got it back I had one error and it was totally a careless mistake. I had just hung up with my Dad before walking into class and learned that he had already found a bottle of vodka in her purse. It had not even been 48 hours since she was discharged from the hospital. Now, I know 92 isn't a bad grade, but I'm really striving for an A and when it's a careless mistake that could have EASILY been avoided it makes me mad at myself for letting her bother me. Does that make sense?
I fully realize as I was typing that the whole thing sound so stupid. I'm not sitting here stewing over it. It's just an example of how I am realizing that she is still getting to me - and that bothers me.
So far the last few days she has accused my dad of stealing her glasses and is telling her family that the "paramedic" told her my dad had them last. Really? Does anyone remember the story? The paramedic thought she was speaking in german...I'm sure he wasn't telling her my Dad took her glasses. How ridiculous. By the way, my little brother had brought her glasses to the hospital, she asked him to. However, she sits on the phone telling everyone how awful my dad is for hiding her stuff and she is now claiming she has been paying all the bills, too. HA. With what job, and from which hospital? She is calling and harassing him while he's at work during the day with a slew of drunken stupor messages. He sleeps on the couch at night and she finds it necessary to stay up all night putting the lights on and running the dishwasher at 2am. She can't stand well without leaning on things and has trouble getting her words out sometimes. She continues to try to feed the dog but pours his food all over the floor instead of in the dog bowl. It's ugly. I feel so bad for my Dad. I think because what she is doing to him is what she has always done to me. Called and blabbed her lies to everyone to make them feel sorry for her and make everyone else out to be the bad guy, but now she's taking it to a whole new level.
She is also telling everyone she has "massive" breast cancer now. I think what really happened is that they asked her when her last mammogram was, because my dad said there is a piece of paper in her hospital discharge papers that is information on a low cost women's clinic for mammograms and other women's care. I looked it up and they offer free mammograms to women with no insurance. That's what she does though...she takes a little sliver of something and turns into something completely untrue. That's a pretty sick lie though, considering her sister IS a breast cancer survivor.
So...I am okay...just going through a bitter period now I guess. Staying out of it, just listening but just getting angry at her. Angry at how cruel and selfish she is and she just doesn't care. I know it's all part of it, but I won't lie it still pisses me off.
I fully realize as I was typing that the whole thing sound so stupid. I'm not sitting here stewing over it. It's just an example of how I am realizing that she is still getting to me - and that bothers me.
So far the last few days she has accused my dad of stealing her glasses and is telling her family that the "paramedic" told her my dad had them last. Really? Does anyone remember the story? The paramedic thought she was speaking in german...I'm sure he wasn't telling her my Dad took her glasses. How ridiculous. By the way, my little brother had brought her glasses to the hospital, she asked him to. However, she sits on the phone telling everyone how awful my dad is for hiding her stuff and she is now claiming she has been paying all the bills, too. HA. With what job, and from which hospital? She is calling and harassing him while he's at work during the day with a slew of drunken stupor messages. He sleeps on the couch at night and she finds it necessary to stay up all night putting the lights on and running the dishwasher at 2am. She can't stand well without leaning on things and has trouble getting her words out sometimes. She continues to try to feed the dog but pours his food all over the floor instead of in the dog bowl. It's ugly. I feel so bad for my Dad. I think because what she is doing to him is what she has always done to me. Called and blabbed her lies to everyone to make them feel sorry for her and make everyone else out to be the bad guy, but now she's taking it to a whole new level.
She is also telling everyone she has "massive" breast cancer now. I think what really happened is that they asked her when her last mammogram was, because my dad said there is a piece of paper in her hospital discharge papers that is information on a low cost women's clinic for mammograms and other women's care. I looked it up and they offer free mammograms to women with no insurance. That's what she does though...she takes a little sliver of something and turns into something completely untrue. That's a pretty sick lie though, considering her sister IS a breast cancer survivor.
So...I am okay...just going through a bitter period now I guess. Staying out of it, just listening but just getting angry at her. Angry at how cruel and selfish she is and she just doesn't care. I know it's all part of it, but I won't lie it still pisses me off.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Back East
Posts: 704
Originally Posted by doublewhammy
So far the last few days she has accused my dad of stealing her glasses and is telling her family that the "paramedic" told her my dad had them last. Really? Does anyone remember the story? The paramedic thought she was speaking in german...I'm sure he wasn't telling her my Dad took her glasses. How ridiculous. By the way, my little brother had brought her glasses to the hospital, she asked him to. However, she sits on the phone telling everyone how awful my dad is for hiding her stuff and she is now claiming she has been paying all the bills, too. HA.
If your sister thinks she can go to court and force a solution, hey, she can knock herself out. It might work, it probably won't -- but it's out of your hands.
If family members think you're "giving up" on the alcoholic, "neglecting" your "responsibility," and any of that nonsense, tune it out, too. Unfriend them, let their calls to to voicemail (and then don't call back), and otherwise let go of the rope. Crazy people can't pull you in if you let it go -- and it drives them nuts that they can't, because they've always been able to in the past.
That's how I dealt with my Dad, in his last year or two. The extended family, they're unfriended, voicemailed, and tuned out -- with the exception of a few people I like (e.g., my ostracized cousin the lesbian who no one talks to anyway). No big loss -- I'll take my "family of choice" anytime!
T
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((DW))) - I understand about the "careless mistake" on the school work, and how all the drama affects us. I would much prefer to keep my 4.0 avg, but I don't see it happening, so have decided an overall B average is okay. I failed finals in nursing school, when my mom was in the hospital and my brain just couldn't absorb anything..I still graduated with a B avg and got my license.
I also understand the anger. My dad feels like I'm the only one he can talk to, he's helping me financially, so it took me a while to get to the point where I told him there were some things I wouldn't talk to him about...like stop complaining about stepmom when you couldn't wait to go back and get her when she was spending time with family.
Maybe you can try and direct the conversation to more about him (although I know he is totally affected by your mom) and downplay or don't even ask how your mom is. It may take a while, but it might help. No contact is nothing I desire or even need with family members, but I have stopped being THE one that everyone thinks they can discuss everything with. They didn't like it, at first, probably still don't, but I've found out saying "hmmmm" instead of adding to the conversation works pretty well.
Take care of you, sweetie.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
I also understand the anger. My dad feels like I'm the only one he can talk to, he's helping me financially, so it took me a while to get to the point where I told him there were some things I wouldn't talk to him about...like stop complaining about stepmom when you couldn't wait to go back and get her when she was spending time with family.
Maybe you can try and direct the conversation to more about him (although I know he is totally affected by your mom) and downplay or don't even ask how your mom is. It may take a while, but it might help. No contact is nothing I desire or even need with family members, but I have stopped being THE one that everyone thinks they can discuss everything with. They didn't like it, at first, probably still don't, but I've found out saying "hmmmm" instead of adding to the conversation works pretty well.
Take care of you, sweetie.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 112
Originally Posted by tromboneliness
You have to tune out that sh*t -- it's the booze talking, and there's no point in running around correcting every false statement and lie, because there'll always be another one right behind it.
My Dad is working on putting an end to all of this, hired a lawyer, etc. - so it's not like he's just sitting there and going back to it anymore. He so badly wants this to be over and for her to be gone. She's making their whole house miserable and there is nothing they can do right now.
I think the reason it bothers me so much that she is lying about my dad is because she's done that to me my whole life. Now that we are no contact, she has moved on to my Dad (not that she didn't do it to him all along too, but when she only has one person to focus on, she is vicious with it). I know that feeling of always having to prove yourself and always having to defend. It sucks.
I am getting tired of hearing about her though. It's just exhausting. Like today she came home and has 2 bottles of vodka in her purse. I had to hear about that. Um...okay...so what? That's not a surprise. At this point, I know she always had vodka on her. It's like every time she gets out of the hospital they expect her to magically change. Newsflash...it ain't happenin'.
So, impurrfect...you are also right. I think it's time to just say...I don't want to hear it anymore. I just have to find a balance between being supportive for them and still getting that point across.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
