Alcoholic Mother in ICU

Old 07-28-2011, 09:49 AM
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AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

That's all I have to say today.
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Old 07-28-2011, 10:01 AM
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(((doublewhammy))) - sorry to hear that she is still confused and the rehab will put more of a financial strain on your dad. My prayers continue for you and your family.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy
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Old 07-29-2011, 10:53 AM
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Well, here we are at almost 2 weeks in the hospital. All evaluations have been done, we are just waiting to hear back from psych. Not that it matters much, it has already been determined that from the physical/occupational therapy evaluations she is unable to perform ANY basic function on her own. Everything she was evaluated for her she was found to need moderate-maximum x2 assistance. This means she needs moderate assistance to full assistance of TWO staff to perform functions such as grooming, bathing, going to the bathroom, eating, walking, talking...all it.

I spoke to the Neurologist again this morning. Yesterday he told me that she could very well have permanent brain damage and he believed she had dementia. He said he could not say for sure until the MRI results were in. He called back this morning and said the MRI did show brain atrophy (which is the shrinking and deteriorating of her brain from the alcohol he said).

They are just confirming what we already knew, but somehow it just is harder to hear it for sure. We are trying to find a facility that can take her for physical, occupational and maybe psychiatric care, but right now we will take anywhere that can care for her basic needs at this point.

My family is so screwed. The emotional scars that have been left behind from years of my mom's drinking are just the icing on the cake at this point. My dad is surely going to lose everything including their house. He still doesn't have access to half their bank accounts because she did all the bills and banking and never gave him access to anything. I don't know how we will work that all out. This is a disaster all around. It's even harder to deal with when she still is telling everyone (in her very slurred and difficult to understand speech) in the hospital that she had 2 strokes and that's why she is in there. Does she really not know? Or does she not want to know?

I HATE this entire situation.
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Old 08-04-2011, 01:47 PM
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I'm so sorry your family is dealing with this.
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Old 08-04-2011, 01:58 PM
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Wow I don't know how I missed this thread. I hope you are doing OK.

With your permission, doublewhammy, I am going to save this thread and show it to every newbie that somehow thinks he/she can detox on their own. I have been in AA for 6 years and unfortunately your mother's story, while certainly a hard case, is far from unique.

Hang in there and if you need some support, we are here for you.
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Old 08-05-2011, 07:21 AM
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I am so sorry. I went through this with my mother who was 57 when she passed away 2 years ago from cirrhosis after a lifetime of abusing alcohol & pills. She too was suffering from encephalopathy related dementia, wouldn't eat, couldn't take care of herself, etc. I completely understand what you are going through. And I know that when I was going through it (and still continue to go through the pain & loss today) not much can be said to alleviate the unbearable pain that you're going through. I can tell you that you're not alone, I understand, and I'm sorry for you.

I hate mentioning this but is hospice an option? Is she at that point yet? That's where my mother spent her last days and she finally seemed at peace. I think her entire life that's all she wanted and she never found it until the end.
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Old 08-09-2011, 06:09 AM
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Originally Posted by dgillz View Post
Wow I don't know how I missed this thread. I hope you are doing OK.

With your permission, doublewhammy, I am going to save this thread and show it to every newbie that somehow thinks he/she can detox on their own. I have been in AA for 6 years and unfortunately your mother's story, while certainly a hard case, is far from unique.

Hang in there and if you need some support, we are here for you.
Yes, by all means -- please share. Even if it helps just one person.
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Old 08-09-2011, 06:27 AM
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Originally Posted by AbbySinthe View Post
I am so sorry. I went through this with my mother who was 57 when she passed away 2 years ago from cirrhosis after a lifetime of abusing alcohol & pills. She too was suffering from encephalopathy related dementia, wouldn't eat, couldn't take care of herself, etc. I completely understand what you are going through. And I know that when I was going through it (and still continue to go through the pain & loss today) not much can be said to alleviate the unbearable pain that you're going through. I can tell you that you're not alone, I understand, and I'm sorry for you.

I hate mentioning this but is hospice an option? Is she at that point yet? That's where my mother spent her last days and she finally seemed at peace. I think her entire life that's all she wanted and she never found it until the end.
Hi Abby,

Thanks very much for your reply. I am sorry for the loss of your mother, especially the way in which she passed. It is helpful to know that others really do understand, even though it is a terrible situation.

Well, she is currently still in the hospital, none of the rehabs would take her and the hospital therapist started working with her. Looks like maybe this week she will be released and sent back to my parents home for outpatient therapy although they do not want her there and my Dad is not going to get her and the case manager says my mother did tell her there is no one that will help her at home and no friends, neighbors, etc. that can help or drive her anywhere. She has been walking with assistance from the hospital physical therapist throughout the past weekend. She has been making demands for her cell phone and car already through my one sister of us 5 siblings that has anything to do with her at this point.

The doctor told me point blank the other day he thinks she is going to get strong enough to leave and go drink again. I told him I completely agree with him. She is talking better now, too. I truly do think she is seeing that vodka bottle as her dangling carrot and at this point she is going to fight as hard as she can to get out of there to go drink. Since, she is seemingly more alert, to strangers anyway (she's been showing the brain effects of her drinking for years and they think she is lucid, but she's definitely not in her right mind) they are going to release her when she is strong enough to go, I do believe.

Though by then she will have spent 1 entire month in the hospital and leaving with brain and liver damage. You would think this would be a rock bottom for most, but she has already turned away the offers inpatient rehab for her alcoholism. She told the case manager she was not interested and she wanted to go home and she would do it herself with AA. Yeah, okay...she got wasted in a parking lot after her first and only AA meeting.

She is going to leave this place and kill herself next - or someone else. My brothers want nothing to do with her, my other sister hasn't even called about her and my dad is seriously going to lose the house. My mother shows zero remorse for what she has done to our family and continues to make demands and threats to my dad. It's a disgusting situation. I'm exhausted from it all. Just don't think I can even handle much more of this. It is so draining and I know where it's headed. I am ready to just be done.
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Old 08-09-2011, 03:45 PM
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Gosh, I too missed this thread!

I am just sitting here shaking my head, what a waste of a life!

Yet, this is her choice, her destiny is out of your hands, sometimes the only answer is for us, ACOA's, is to let go and back out of the insanity....for our own well-being, we too, are entitled to a life, some peace and happiness.

I am very sorry, try to take care of you!
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Old 08-09-2011, 05:45 PM
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Yes, Dollydo. It is a waste of life. It didn't have to be this way and that bothers me the most.

I already have thoughts about what the future holds and just hope that my brothers don't find her dead in the house at some point...or that she doesn't wind up killing someone else behind the wheel. Not that these thoughts are much different than what I had expected all along, or that I haven't said this out loud a million times. Now...now though, it's just a matter of when it will happen instead of "if" it will happen. It's pretty sick to have these visions, but they are the inevitable future at this point. I gave up on crying for my mother many years ago. I am sad now mostly for my brothers because I know that this way of life and all of these events are going to leave scars much bigger than they realize.

I miss my life from a month ago. My happier life, with my own family and being 1200 miles away from this drama. I am reaching my limit now, it won't be long before I just back away from all of them. This is just toxic with no signs of any improvement.
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Old 09-09-2011, 08:59 AM
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Hi guys, I haven't updated this in a while. Maybe that's in part due to the fact that anything I have to report, you've collectively been through before.

My mother was discharged from the hospital shortly after my last post. I don't remember exactly, but she wound up there for somewhere between 3 1/2 - 4 weeks. She refused treatment for her alcoholism. She was home for a week before she noticeably had been drinking again and by less than 2 weeks out of the hospital she inevitably wound up back in another hospital. Only this time she was taken by ambulance to the local hospital for mandatory evaluation after the paramedics and police found her passed out in the grass next to the driveway and she was unable to correctly answer basic questions including her address of nearly 20 years. She spent a day in the ER sobering up and then by the time she was taken to the psychiatric hospital a few towns over she was on her best behavior, told everyone it was an isolated incident and this had never happened before. They let her out...

Of course, nothing has changed the last week or two since she's been out again she has been found face down in the foyer of the house, fallen off the bed and busted her face, left behind some unsanitary conditions in the bathroom, etc. all in the last week...she's just a full on disaster. She just drinks herself into oblivion and wakes up to do it again the next day.

I don't feel it will be long for her. Though, I thought she would have been gone by now, so who knows. Not sure who she is killing faster, herself or her family.

It is what it is, I guess. I have removed myself from any responsibility and contact with much of her family. I refuse to make another call to doctors, hospitals, family, support groups, rehabs, etc. on her behalf. It's too toxic to try to make a difference in the life of someone that doesn't care about themself -- let alone the people she is destroying in the process.

I suppose this post is my closing, my goodbye. Mom, you are nothing but the shell of the person I once knew and it's time to say farewell. Goodbye to you.
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Old 09-09-2011, 11:12 AM
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So sorry for you, I hope you can find some solace here.

Please keep us informed and let us know if there is anything we can do.
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Old 09-09-2011, 11:41 AM
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I too am sorry for the situation that you are going through.

My alcoholic father passed away last year at the age 71 after being sick for approximately two years. During difficult times, I found comfort in the serenity prayer. His illness and what became of his life was definitely something that I could not change.

I would also pray a lot and picture myself placing my father's care into the hands of his higher power.

Wishing you strength to make it through this difficult time.

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Old 09-09-2011, 05:56 PM
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Thank you, both. Dbh, I am sorry for your loss.
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Old 09-12-2011, 07:48 AM
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If feel your pain! I am experiencing a similiar situation with my 53 year old mother. I don't even know where she is at this point. She had been a serious alcoholic/drug user all my life, on my 15 th birthday she fell on our wood stove and quit drinking, and I got to live the good life until my wedding when she drank the champagne off all the tables, last thing she said to me that night was "Don't talk to me I am sick" it got progressively worse and now she's lost it all, home, car, job. I decided that now that I am an adult I don't have to deal with it anymore. I have gotten major static from my family and pretty much have no contact with anyone. My mom was in the hospital last week and they discharged her, my step dad put her in a hotel while waiting for a spot in the rehab, I sent her a pizza after being upset and emotional and feeling bad for her, called her the next day to see if she was ok and needed anything for rehab, she said some clothes and was very anxious for the time I would be there, repeatedly asked when I was coming. It was important because she was out drinking all day and going back out, I didn't even call her back, I gave up! Apparently by cousin took her to some rehab in PA. No one calls to tell me anything becuase "I don't care" according to everyone, but really I care so much the pain is paralyzing. It's hard to cut your ties and walk away, even though it's out of site, it's never out of mind when it's you mom. Hang in there! I'd say it gets better but I am still waiting to see......
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Old 09-12-2011, 10:29 AM
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NAH1203, Our mothers are the same age, so I'm guessing we are similar in age as well. I am the oldest of 5 and have also dealt with her drinking my whole life. Only back in the day she hid it well and I'd mainly deal with her nasty insults, lacking parenting skills and embarrassing behavior that most did not realize the connection to alcohol back then.

Your last few sentences hit home for me. The pain IS paralyzing. It's just TOO much. It's not that I don't care either, it's that I have been caring longer than anyone else involved, because I've been dealing with it the longest. At a certain point you have to save yourself. She's never out of my mind - you nailed that as well. I think of her daily - sadly, I know she does not do the same of me.

It's okay though, I'm coming to terms with it all and it's just time to say goodbye. There is a strange sense of relief in realizing that it is time to walk away. A sense of freedom, if you will. I have been weighed down by my mother's issues for far too long. I'm at peace with the fact that my family is seemingly getting smaller, anyone that does not understand or condone my choices at this point really doesn't have a place in my life and has become as toxic as my mother to have around. Of course most of the family members in that category are also in denial, or in the "hopeful" stage. I went through that for years. I tried to help for years. I'm done.

My mother was not at my wedding, she was not interested. After a series of attempts at trying to get her to be involved, which included buying and sending her dresses through the mail since she refused to go to the store herself, pleading with her to buy her plane tickets, attempting to discuss menu choices with her (during which time she chooses to tell me her wedding was better for a variety of reasons, etc.). The list goes on...finally she refused to buy a plane ticket in one of her drunken stupors and screamed that she wasn't going to do anything for "this" wedding, so I succumbed and told her to go ahead and stay home, it's what she wanted anyway. And, sure enough..she did. Never called, nothing. I have to admit though, having her there would have been equally as heartbreaking, as I know there would have been a drunken scene like you describe from your wedding. There is no good solution when dealing with this disease. You just have to sort of decide what you can handle and go with it.

Best wishes to you.
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Old 09-13-2011, 06:05 AM
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I feel you on the other family members becoming toxic, fortinately for me it's just my cousin who bugs me, well talks to everyone about how I am not there, I am an only child, so I don't siblings to add to it. It's rough stuff, no doubt. I get equally upset about the talk about me not being there as much as her drinking/drugging again. It's hard enough as a child of the addict to cut them off, you deal with your own thoughts of, is this the right thing to do, should I be there, she's going to need someone there, as hearing the, why isn't she there for her mom, etc. I recently read a quote by Mother Teresa: "Being unwanted, unloved, uncared for, forgotten by everybody, I think that is a much greater hunger, a much greater poverty than the person who has nothing to eat."
Just at this time of my questioning myself of not being there and I felt terrible and cried and cried, but I called her and told her I loved her, but I don't know what to do to help her.
I find this forum very comforting to see a lot of this is just the norm for addiction and I have to stay strong and get through it............but the heart aches constantly.
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Old 09-13-2011, 06:21 AM
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"Being unwanted, unloved, uncared for, forgotten by everybody, I think that is a much greater hunger, a much greater poverty than the person who has nothing to eat."

Sometimes context is everything. I believe Mother Teresa was referring to the abandoned and destitute in slums in a Third World country, not someone whose behaviour has been unacceptable and toxic.

Please be gentle with yourself.
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Old 09-13-2011, 08:14 AM
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Yeah that gave me super mixed feelings, but you are so right!!!
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Old 09-14-2011, 05:36 AM
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Originally Posted by NAH1203 View Post
No one calls to tell me anything becuase "I don't care" according to everyone...
Yup, that's how it works. In my family, there is one 'nucleus' of my cousins who tend to be caretakers for the older generation (the few who are still left, that is), and one of them came to live with my Dad for a couple of years -- basically, he traded driving my Dad (who had finally lost his license) around in exchange for room and board. I had refused to move back in with my Dad because... well, he was so impossible -- a raging, alcoholic control freak.

Certain members of my extended family undoubtedly talk about me in unflattering terms because I 'didn't take care of' my Dad (who died last September), etc. Well, you know what? F890 'em. They can think whatever they want, say whatever they want, and so on and so forth -- and that's their business. If they don't call me anymore, now that my Dad is gone, hey, I'd just as soon not hear from them anyway, because when they did call, they always either wanted something or wanted to tell me what to do. Who needs that?

Basically, there are two kinds of people: Those who have a program, and those who need one. The people Out There™ (who need a program) do not understand how the dynamic works, of dealing with an alcoholic or other toxic family member. They don't get it -- and we're powerless to make them get it. So they do what they gotta do, and that's OK with me, as long as they don't call!

(Ya, I still got some anger issues to work out. Got a problem with that?)



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