GingerM

DW, I"m sorry to have not posted on this thread earlier.

I totally agree with Tromboneliness in that the *click* is what you're looking for. I deal with certain family members by humming to myself (either really quietly or in my head). I usually find myself humming something classical and complex and I focus on what I'm humming - the humming keeps me centered on me (so I don't get sucked into the 'crazy vortex') and also drowns out the incessant droning.

As for your brother's picture that he sent you, I obviously don't know you or your brother, but that would have made me laugh - obviously, it's very dark humor, but I still would have laughed. Living with an active alcoholic or in a household with ACoA history can be like living in the theatre of the absurd sometimes.

All you can do is all you can do. Sometimes being able to laugh, no matter how dark the situation is, can keep you tethered to your own sanity.

Impurrfect

(((DW))) - glad you laughed - I think only someone who has dealt with an A loved one gets the humor, and it's way better than getting sucked in.

My niece's "sperm donor" is in prison (again), has written her that he has money set aside for her but she HAS to come visit him to get the info. I asked her "if he HAD money, do you think he would have broken INTO a jail to steal drugs, money, and guns?!?!" Yep, he was a trustee there, on probation, and broke in_to_jail She has never gone to see him. She was pretty embarrassed, at first, as it was all over the news but we assured her it had nothing to do with her..it was all on him. Now, he doesn't understand why she wants nothing to do with him.

Sometimes they just don't get it...sigh.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

doublewhammy

Ginger, I read your other post. You have a LOT going on and I hope your world calms down in the days ahead. Thanks for taking the time to send a few words my way. Loved the "theatre of the absurd" comment. So true.

Impurrfect, Wow. Broke into a jail. That's a real doozy! Just WOW.

Yesterday, I was on the phone with my Dad. He walked out to check the mail and found my mom GUZZLING...not sipping, but really CHUGGING a bottle of vodka in her car in the driveway. He was walking right past her and said..."Look at you, chugging away. It's all over your face, dripping down your neck, you are getting it all over you." To which she replied in drunken slur, "I am going to drink 'till the day I die."

Those words were powerful. I keep replaying them over and over.

She spent the next four hours in the driveway. He watched from the window as she tried to get out of her car but couldn't. She passed out with the car door open and her head and shoulders hanging from the drivers seat into the driveway - in the POURING RAIN. He was afraid she'd drown since her head was upside down and it was pouring all over her, so he went out in the rain, moved her back into the car and closed the door. A few hours later he went and dragged her into the house. I told him he should have left her there, but for some reason he felt the need to bring her in before he went to bed.

She got up this morning accusing him of taking her keys and her glasses again. She had her keys. He had considered going and taking them from her, but I told him not to because I didn't know if she would try to swipe them back and it cause some sort of altercation. They have never had any physical fights, but in that state, you just never know. She was WAY to drunk to drive anywhere. Couldn't even get out of the car or get back in after half way falling out. So...my point being, he never touched her keys. And, if she is accusing him of taking her glasses again, I guess she found them from the last time. I can't imagine living that way.

I mean, the mammogram thing was comical. But walking out to get the mail and seeing your wife chugging down a bottle of vodka so vehemently that it's pouring down her neck and then to hear her scream "I'm going to drink till the day I die." --- Well, it just has to be so hard.

It has crossed my mind that those may have been the last words I will ever hear from my mom. Wouldn't that be sadly ironic.

Impurrfect

(((DW))) - I'm so sorry you and your family continue to go through this. The sad thing is, she probably IS going to drink until the day she dies, or at least goes into a coma from liver failure. I know that's not a nice thing to say, but I saw it happen with my XABF#3, except it was crack, not alcohol.

I could pray for some divine intervention, but instead am praying for you and your family to get some peace and serenity, in some way. I know that seems like an unrealistic prayer, considering all that's going on with your mom, but it can't hurt.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

tromboneliness

Being a trombone player by nature, the temptation is strong to record an MP3 of "wah-wha-wha-waaaah-wha-wha-wah-waaaaaaaaah..." and upload it for general use, when this sort of thing is going on....

T

doublewhammy

Amy, It's okay. We have been saying it for a long time. We know she will drink until she dies and she will die from drinking. To hear HER say it, and the way she said it...with such vengeance was just so sobering (no pun intended). We are honestly surprised she has made it this long. The early part of her first hospitalization was not looking good. The doctors all saying they weren't sure if she would ever eat or walk again on her own and here she is 2 months later driving right back to the liquor store like nothing ever happened. It's like she has 9 lives.

Thank you for your thoughts and prayers. I truly appreciate it.

Trombone, you know, it's not a bad idea. I really need to get back to studying, but am having difficulty concentrating tonight. I have been doing so well, too!! I think it may be time to put my ear phones in and just jam out for a little bit. Music always soothes the soul!

Willybluedog

DW,

Sorry to see you struggling with the studying, maybe a quick trip to DQ or Sonic!

Also, If your dad does not want an altercation over the keys he may want to install a battery disconnect switch, it's just a little arm you add tp your battery, most people use them to keep the battery from discharging if the car is going to sit for awhile, she will never figure it out unless she knows her way around a car.

As to her drinking, yeah well hell, so sorry for your dad, he sounds like my dad, he just loves her too much, it's really hard to watch.

My dad was complaining again this weekend about moms drinking, I said SSDD and divorce is still an option, he just won't listen, I listen to him because he just does not have anyone else to talk to.

Take care, best of luck with the schoolwork, as always you and yours are in my thoughts.

Bill

doublewhammy

I am not sure what is going on with my Dad. He is ready for a divorce, he can't live like this anymore. Though, in the next breathe he goes out and carries her from the car, or picks her up off the floor, or whatever. I honest and truly would leave her where she is at this point. Let her deal with the consequences. Let her find herself hanging out of the car the next morning and wonder how many of the neighbors saw her. I don't know, I guess I am not in his shoes. So who knows. It's just sad.

After I posted last night I felt better. Think unloading it made me feel better. So, thank you guys. All of you for listening!

I also got my quiz grade last night in one of my classes. 96%. So, that made me feel good and gave me motivation to get back to the studying!

Impurrfect

(((DW))) - my stepmom really likes her pills. She does have legit pain problems, needs a knee replacement (yet never followed through with the rehab on the other knee, as she won't do anything that "hurts") so I don't have much hope for this knee replacement to be any different, other than she will finally get the pain pills her dr. is refusing to give her.

My dad has turned codie over the years. All I heard about was he wanted a divorce, the house has turned into something you would see on "hoarders", she stays up all night watching TV, sleeps all day. She went to visit her sisters, my stepbrother and niece for 3 weeks. It was GREAT for me...dad was gone most of the time, even went to CA to see his family.

For all his talk? He couldn't wait to get her back. He and my mom got married when she was 19, he was 21, and he's never BEEN on his own...was ready to get engaged 6 months after mom's death (not to stepmom). Now, we not only have stepmom back, but my 18-year-old niece who's working her way into alcoholism.

When dad complains about either of them, I just say "hmmm" or "and you expected things to be different why?" I've barricaded myself in my room, again, after niece and I got into an argument last night...the previous time she was physically threatening me. I can see the same situation going on 10 years from now, only I will have a place of my own as soon as I can get a decent job, which really can't DO that with the heavy load I have in school.

I also haven't been able to concentrate on school. Am going to tell the family my door is locked because I'm busy and don't want to be disturbed. Today, I finally accepted "nothing changes if nothing changes" and am detaching, once again. This recovery stuff (codie-wise) has it's slips and slides. Luckily, I don't slide down as often as I used to.

Love the music idea. I get in my car, have my favorite music in my mp3 and crank it up...always makes me feel better.

(((Trombone))) - would love to hear the trombone version of wah-wah-wah

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

Willybluedog

Impurrfect,

So sorry for all the drama, sounds like you need a sign on the door that says "occupier of this room not accepting applications for HIGH DRAMA at this time)

A great stereo and headphones were my best buddies when things got bad at home, I would close my door crank the tunes and forget the hurricane force winds blowing right outside my bedroom door.

I don't know what type of music you like, but classical really calmed me down when I was upset and gospel (James Brown in the church scene in Blues Brothers gospel) made me feel God in the room with me.

Best of luck and take care,

Bill

Impurrfect

(((Bill))) - I'm actually into hip-hop..guess that's a leftover from my days in the 'hood. I've got some of my favorite tunes, though, and they're actually applicable to recovery. When things get crazy, I start singing T.I.'s "and when they get you down you've got to get back up" or Eminem's "I'm not afraid" which IS about his recovery..."I'm standing up, gonna face my demons, I'm manning up, gonna hold my ground..I've had enough, I'm so fed up, time to get my life back together RIGHT NOW!!"

I do like other types of music, had a coworker who played classical music at work and I got to like it. Also played a lot of it when I was in band (clarinet) but that was a gazillion years ago.

I was thinking of putting signs on my doors (I have 2 to my room the way the house is built) that says "knock at your own risk"

Okay, back to my book. Gotta 25 page power-point presentation and web page due in one class. Add that to 3 tests, 3 discussion posts, and some computer thing where the instructions are 120 pages long...sigh. Oh yeah, and revising the first page of my first paper...after reading 6 chapters

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

Kialua

I found a sound byte of the wah wah voice here. Don't know if it's down loadable or not but it works at this link.

http://www.wavsource.com/snds_2011-1...ts_teacher.wav

enlightment

Doublewhammy...This thread held my undivided attention until the end...I am totally speechless and amazed..I dont have any words of wisdom. My heart aches for you, your father and siblings..I will continue to follow this thread, and hope for the best outcome for all involved..and I will keep you all in my thoughts and prayers...Please be strong..

tromboneliness

OK, that does it -- I'll take out the horn the next time no one's around, and record some! In the meantime, here's a clip from one of the "Charlie Brown" shows:

Charlie Brown Teacher Speaking - YouTube

T

Willybluedog

I am so proud of all of you who are doing work and school while battling the idiocy around you, keep your heads up.

I know it seems like forever before you will get done with school (took me 6 years at night while working full time) but that makes graduation day so much sweeter.

Impurrfect

(((Willie))) - love the "wah wah wah"

All hell broke loose when stepmom/dad got home. Dad asked me a question, gave him an answer, and he got ticked at Brit. She went into rage mode, telling me to hit her (then she can hit back and I won't call the cops). She hates me, stepmom said it was all my fault (I answered a question dad asked).

I lost my fuse, told her I was trying to get her to act her age. She asked what I was doing at age 18, "smoking on that crack pipe?!?!" Told her "um, no, I was working 2 jobs and in my 2nd year of college, living on my own and paying my bills".

They did the codie dance..calmed down and everything was fine (other than Brit and stepmom detest me).

I did manage to get most of my web page done, with a bit of help from an SR friend who took a course in it. Will need to ask her about the very last part tomorrow.

I will avoid any talk of the situation and just stay in my room and detach...a lot. I'm stuck here, thanks to the consequences of my addiction, but at least I don't want to use, and am holding on to my codie recovery for dear life.

I seriously think Brit is going to be like this for years, and dad/stepmom aren't going to be around to enable her forever In all honesty, I'd love to see the karma police kick her in the a$$ but they work on their own time.

Sorry to hijack the thread, just sharing what goes on when we have dysfunctional relatives.

It's almost 5 a.m., am grabbing Elvis and going to sleep. Tomorrow is another day.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

doublewhammy

I am so sorry you have to live like this. I can not imagine being an adult and still be suck in the mess that is my crazy family. I feel for you, I truly do. I will wish it gets better, though I know that seems unlikely at this moment.

GingerM

DW, you may want to tell your dad that if your mom is as hammered as to not be able to get out of her own car, that's the time to call either an ambulance or the police (or both). Being that drunk is actually a medical issue. Had he left her in the rain, it's possible she could have died of hypothermia (a common way for passed out drunks to die, even indoors and not being rained on).

He could tell the people at 911 that she's drunk, and he can't move her by himself and she's lying on the ground unresponsive. Either she goes to the hospital where they try to detox her without killing her, or she goes to jail into the drunk tank to sober up. No matter which way it goes, your dad gets a break for at least one night - knowing that someone else is watching her.

With enough documentation of this type, it may be possible for your dad to go to court and seek full Power of Attorney over her (she's not capable of taking care of herself). Then he can put her into rehab or into a retirement home where he can have some peace.

Just a thought. Long before all of my mess broke loose, I told my dad that if he ever left my house drunk and in his car, I would call the cops and report him as a drunk driver. He never drove home from my house drunk again. He also rarely came by for meals at all or after noon. That was okay by me.

I guess I'm saying that your dad has a few options that may not have crossed his mind because when we're in the thick of it, we're spending all our energy just trying to cope with the situation at hand, so it's hard to see that other options exist.

Any time your mom is so drunk as to be unresponsive, a call to 911 (or 999 if you're in Europe) would not be a false call.

Just thinking 'out loud' here. Take what you want, leave the rest.

doublewhammy

Hey Ginger,

Thanks for the thought. He has done that several times. She has been to the hospital several times now, transferred to psych for evaluation and always let go (she is quite the con artist - a "master manipulator" we call her). All it's left him with is is over $200,000 in medical bills just since July, they do not have insurance and we are still waiting for the bills to roll in from last months 9 day stay - the ambulance bill just arrived for $800 alone. Despite that, the last two times he called, they refused to come because while she was passed out on the floor in front of the front door, she was inside the house and they wouldn't do anything unless she was outside. Now, the driveway incident, yah they would have come (like last month they did when my brother almost ran her over pulling into the driveway) but in the house, they have refused twice to come take her. Probably just as well, it doesn't make any difference anymore and at this point, the one night of peace is hardly worth the bill that comes along with it and she literally comes right home and does it again. Sometimes, the same day.

I understand that there may be legal and moral ramifications for leaving her out there in the rain (which maybe is why he picked her up and closed the door and then later carried her into the house), if he knows about it (which personally in this situation I find ridiculous - she's doing this to herself, no one else), but at this point, I say he needs to step away from the alcoholic --- stop looking for her. If he doesn't watch her or see her, he won't have to deal with the consequences of what she chooses to do to herself. Leave her to do what she is going to do and don't look for her inside, outside, around town, etc. . She is going to do whatever she wants at this point. She is "that" drunk almost every day. Truly. She drinks herself to this point nearly everyday. How she is alive is beyond all of our imagination.

We have threatened to call the cops on her (and have), she doesn't care. I sent in paperwork to have the state review her drivers license for possible suspension - they will take anonymous submissions for you to submit a reason for them to investigate. The reasons they list on the form include, medical (including dementia - which was was diagnosed with!), addictions (of course I listed her alcoholism), etc. - I put down both. Nothing ever happened.

My sister has already filed with probate court to try to have her mandated to rehab, though after spending the same amount of time detoxed in the hospital that the courts may mandate her into rehab for, I hardly believe it will make a world of difference. She is supposed to go to court tomorrow. Will be interesting to see how that goes. She came home from the hospital after a month long stay; she was sober, detoxed, brain damaged and with a sick liver; she went right back to the bottle. She doesn't want to stop.

doublewhammy

You know, now you have me thinking some more....

I guess there is so much that could have been done differently. He could have taken her keys like he wanted, because he didn't want her to drive. I influenced him not to take them for fear of a fight.

He also wanted to drag her in while she was awake, but I REALLY told him not to do that because she surely would have fought him. We both discussed calling 911 again, but after her just going in for her mini vacations and coming right back it just seems so pointless. Especially with her not working and my dad having all the pressure of the household bills on his sole income, which is not going to last long. We also considered the fact that if she had gone to the hospital the other day, she would have missed court tomorrow. It already took two tries for them to serve her, because a few weeks back when they tried to serve her she was still in the hospital from the last time she had been taken in from my dad calling 911, they had to come back and serve her when she was discharged from the hospital 2 weeks ago.

I guess what I am saying is, no matter what we/he or anyone chooses to do there is a negative side to it and there is just no good solution when dealing with someone that is hellbent on killing herself with alcohol. It's exhausting, it's embarrassing, it's expensive, it's pointless, she doesn't listen to doctors, she doesn't eat, she doesn't do anything for herself and in her own words she wants to drink until she dies. Maybe tomorrow he'll call 911 when he finds her like that again, but at this point, it just seems like you can't call 911 everyday, because that's how it is with her. It's this exhausting, miserable journey, every damn day.