snowflake74

I am ok... I'm still really hyped up and anxious. I don't know if it's withdrawal or the Wellbutrin or a little of both, but it's not too bad. I'm only on the 2nd week of the Wellbutrin and my psychiatrist said I will likely mellow out a bit in the next 2 weeks as my body gets used to it. What I LOVE about it, is that I have NO APPETITE! I'm losing weight, which is AWESOME because I'm CHUBBY! So far I am liking this new medication! I'll take manic and anxious if I can also have happy and dropping pounds!

snowflake74

Guys, I'm sad to report that I relapsed today. I almost didn't want to say, because I'm ashamed and embarrassed, but I felt like in my fight to defend my honesty in this process, I would have been a hypocrite if I didn't tell you guys.

I took 3 pills tonight, not all at the same time. It was very impulsive - the first pill. Yes, I know... it was all about access. You all were right. I knew you were always right.

My goal is to keep this an isolated event, and I just pray that I don't have withdrawal all over again tomorrow. I'll let you all know.

I'm hoping I won't have done too much damage so long as I don't use tomorrow and the next, etc. and hopefully let this be a blip.

I should have come here first to try to get support, but I didn't. It just happened so fast. But I will say, I felt a strong desire not to report that I was even considering taking a pill, because I feel like I would have let you all down just saying that. To go from everything is great to I want to take a pill did not feel comfortable sharing. Everything was really great up until today, when for the first time I felt a little unwell, a combination of the mania / anxiety and some of my baseline neuropathic pain that crept up for the first time, and my brain went straight to "I can fix this real quick" and before I knew it, I was swallowing a pill. After about an hour, because I didn't really feel anything, I took a second pill and then about an hour after that, a third. But that's all for me tonight.

I'm very sorry. I feel like I disappointed you all.

FT

Like I said, either you are a non-opiate-user or you aren't.

Until you self-identify as a non-opiate user, you will keep the pills around. If you keep the pills around, you will find it difficult to ever self-identify as a non-opiate-user.

Once you are a non-opiate user, when you have a "craving," no matter how strong, you will do what other non-opiate-users do -- something else.

There are no shades of gray here.

I can't fault you, Snow. I failed at tapering too many times to count. FT (failedtaper) was not my first name here by accident.

OpioPhobe

Snowflake - sorry to hear about the pills tonight. I am sure we all wish we could go back and undo things in the past, but unfortunately it doesn't work like that. We you cut through everything it comes down to two choices: either we use or we don't use. If you don't want to use then flush the rest of the pills.

I think the reason that everyone says that not using has to be priority number one is because all of the rationalizations are connecting to something else that we really value in life (work, family, etc.). For me at least, it never worked until I made not using priority one in life. Everything else had to come second. It's ironic to think that I felt like I was giving something up by putting those things second. Drugs were already priority one in my life when I was using, but I couldn't see it.

If you just can't get yourself to flush them then you might elect for a more exotic option that some of the other members have tried (bleach, burning in the fireplace, etc.).

needingabreak

I'm sorry to hear of hourglass but give you credit for coming here,and being honest. Instead of beating yourself up which does you no good. Ask yourself what you can do to make it harder to relapse next time you feel that craving (get rid of your stash!). Tomorrow is a,New,day. Embrace it and start anew.

Elseware

((((Snow)))). Just get up, dust yourself off and start again tomorrow. You can do this. I had a couple false starts myself at first. It'll be ok once you get your mind around this thing that no matter what, you do not do drugs. Or drink. Please don't beat yourself up. Start again. You will find your way if you really want this and it sounds like you do. I found warm baths with Epsom salts very soothing when I was hurting and listening to music helped me keep it together at first. Good luck. My fingers are crossed for you. You are very tender right now so treat yourself with compassion.

purechaos

I will kindly repeat what others have said... You are not the first to relapse or the last. Cut yourself some slack... In all fairness though many of us warned you that the addict voice is loud and convincing... I believe I even told you that once your mind decided it had a way to easy fix the pain and suffering, there would be very little you could do to talk yourself out of it. Many things about addiction are impulsive... In my journey it didnt matter how many times I counted my pills and rationed my supply out in my head...my brain always found(demanded) me to do it differently(poorly) and over and over I would have to fight the deamons of withdrawal. I hope these next few days are as easy on you as your first few were...in my experience *keeping in mind everyone is different* Every tiny slip up drug me all the way down back to the beginning where I had to start over. Any and all pain and suffering I had experience in my sober time was for nothing. I have heard people say it here a lot... it has to hurt and it has to hurt bad...that way you will know for sure you never want to experience that again... Are you 100 % convinced there is another way to manage your pain? Are you 100% sure you want the old you back...

I think you know what needs to be done.. You tried it your way (open access to pills) and failed... Now try it another way (flush the meds) you even said that you could always get more if you needed to so try this way. Take the temptation and place it further away... Not entirely in your hands...that way if you feel like relapsing you would need to get a hold of your doctor, explain the issues and get a script and then go to the phamacy to fill it, and then guess what? You just gave yourself a huge time frame to back out of your plan... You could be sitting at the pharmacy saying I dont really want to do this, I need to stay clean, I need to talk to people instead of swallow my pains away.... easily fixed... tell the pharmacist you forgot your wallet and you will pick them up another day... But dont. Keep them at bay.

Do not try to justify your slip ups to us...figure our what went wrong in your plan and start again... Quitting is not an easy think or lots of us wouldnt be here... quitting is difficult and painful, and emotional... But quitting is also POSSIBLE!

Dee74

I think everyone here can identify with keeping their drug of choice around, and using again snowflake.

It's clear to me what you should do now - is it clear to you too?

D

Mamahawk

Snow I do y know what to say. I'm not expierenced like these other great people. I only know what worked for me personally. And I know I (me personally) coukd not keep thaise pills and get clean. That many probably would have killed me as I have taken 50 in one day and would keep on no matter how many there were. Are you addicted to opiates snow? Do you want to quit? I believe you do and I believe you can. Get rid of them. They won't stop calling you. They call me and I can't even get them. As you know no keys, no money. I know you can't give up your keys and money. I am a housewife and could and it helped me along with lots of other things. Get rid of them and detox and never look back. You can do it. Get help if you need to. Do WHATEVER it takes if you want to be free.

pcm54

Hey, my friend. You can do this. You know what to do. You are kind and compassionate to others. You have inspired me so many times. Can you give some of that grace to yourself? Of course, you can. Spend some time with just the Wellbrutin. Get to know if it is going to enhance your life. It does decrease your appetite so enjoy that part!! You can do this.
Chris

doggonecarl

It takes a lot of honesty to come here and admit to a relapse, to admit that some of us were right and maybe you were wrong.

I remember my first relapse after I absolutely vowed to quit drinking. It humbled me and made me realize I had to "rethink" my thinking. The quote below is from your first post to this thread. With the memory of your relapse still fresh, I hope you will rethink it:

Recovery means we have to make a lot of changes in our lives. One big change is recognizing that some of the things we cling to are anchors for our addiction. Be willing to do whatever it takes to beat this, because your addiction is doing everything in its power to beat you.

TiredEnough

Snow, don't beat yourself up too bad. For the vast majority, it's nearly impossible to have stuff around and not use it during the early days. No one can totally cut off access but you have to make it as hard as possible to get any. As someone said, it buys you time to back out. I moved 8 and then 12 hours away from my sources. No way I could drive that in time to fill an urge.

snowflake74

Doggonecarl, that was really well-said. I'm gonna remember that.

Elseware

Snow, how about a good psychiatrist? I went that route. Privacy there is the best you can get. I am in a similar situation. There are treatment centers specifically for doctors. (If that's the case)........my psychiatrist has helped immeasurably. But you have to say the truth in there. And you have to find the right one. You might take a look at "Rational Recovery". Hope your day goes ok

Gosh, Snow, I sure know where you're sitting. You are not alone. People out here understand. I have been where you are and it is crappy. My heart goes out to you. Remember we are here and we really are anonymous. I just wish I could do more to help you

TiredEnough

If you are not ready to destroy them, how about getting them out of the house for a first step? Maybe a safety deposit box or something. Sounds silly but it might help.

FT

TiredEnough has a good idea there. It might at least stop the off-hour impulse using (non-bankers'-hours).

Better still would be to have someone hold the pills who knows you are trying to get clean. I know that when I ultimately succeeded at becoming a non-opiate-user, it was others also knowing I was and who would notice right away if I had changed my mind and started using again.

Elsewhere mentioned Rational Recovery -- I also mentioned it earlier in this thread (AVRT). See the Secular Connections part of SR if you want to cruise by the idea. I used my own version of that both with quitting drinking over 20 years ago, and more recently with opiates. It is a great option for people who are doing step programs.

snowflake74

Thank you guys. Today was kinda crappy. Not feeling great today. I don't have anyone that lives near me, but even if I did, I can't...tell...anyone

Elseware

Snowflake, I have not told a soul either except my doctor and my husband knows. I don't know whether it's good or bad. I do know it's a burden having a big secret. I don't know what the answer is for either of us.

Did you try the warm bath with the Epsom salts? It really did help me a lot.

SweetDreams

I'm sorry to read this Snow but sadly not surprised, your unwillingness to cut off access broadcast relapse loud and clear.

DG Carl's words are wise, can you rethink your assumptions? Keeping those pills will only make it harder and secrecy is Denial's favorite food.

I completely empathize with the need for privacy: exposing my drug problem to others was not an option but my husband of course knew and was my reality check. I really believe you need at least one person who you can talk to. You don't have to confess addiction, just confide that your body is dependent on the medications prescribed by your doctor (plenty of literature that underscores this will happen to anyone on long-term opiate therapy), you're uncomfortable with it, want to stop and could use some help. Keep it medical and try to eliminate the shame, it's not helpful.

Kudos to you for posting, some would just disappear. Over the next few days you'll have to decide whether those pills were a slip or the beginning of a third failed attempt.

We're here for you, you can do it!

SD

snowflake74

I think the reason I didn't throw them away was because I wanted to believe that despite how crazy it got, that somehow I could just go back to minimal and reasonable use for my neuropathy. Nothing I've tried thus far makes the pain go away. My mind keeps going to, what if I COULD have control...DID have control.

FT was right. I didn't self-identify as a non-opiate user. I wanted to be a non-crazy-taking-15-pills-a-day-opiate user. Now my mind is telling me, maybe I could just go back to the way things were in the beginning... Take 1 or 2 occasionally when my pain is flaring. Can I regain control and take this medication reasonably and properly?