It's All About Me Part 6
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Canada.
Posts: 795
So I've been sitting at McDonald's for two hours now so DS can play, and I can be away from H. For the third time in a week, he feels horrible about himself and decided to take it out on me verbally. And I'm tired of it. I've heard too many "sorrys" with nothing changing. I'm sorry he feels bad about himself but making me feel bad too doesn't make things better.
I'm exhausted. DS doesn't sleep thru the night. Trying to work full time and keep my mind on learning a new job when H flips out over stupid things like me not holding his hand while I sleep. I'm so tired my fingertips hurt. I want to run away and never go home.
I'm exhausted. DS doesn't sleep thru the night. Trying to work full time and keep my mind on learning a new job when H flips out over stupid things like me not holding his hand while I sleep. I'm so tired my fingertips hurt. I want to run away and never go home.
RIP Maria
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: AR
Posts: 7,654
Awwwww Charley! Damn it! I seriously suggest H get into a full time treatment facility somewhere! He's not going to get thru this w/o it! Y'all are six months now into him coming home from detox and there's not been any real improvement on his part!
You can NOT keep going like this!
TOD
You can NOT keep going like this!
TOD
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 4,966
Awe so sorry Charley! I dont blame you it all sounds so exausting! Thats a good idea though....going to McDonalds . It gets you out of the house. Will hopefully wareout DS. Plus, sends the message to H that you will not stick around to be his sounding board.
Quick question about DS. I think you mentioned he goes to Daycare while you are working right? Do you know the times he naps at daycare? There are some that give too much naptime or to close to dismissal and this causes the children to have a hard time sleeping at night. Because he is old enough to be sleeping thru the night unless there is another reason which you might bring up at your next appointment. Course I'm aware of the fact that there are children that are just very light sleepers....and do wake thru out the night. I just think for your sake if there is something you can change to make it better for him and you it would be worth it.
Tod thanks for your advise and it is good too. We do that when we have that problem. Its just that this is different. The charger isnt broken its just not good quality. Its super cheep and doesn't give enough charge to charge up the iPad before it turns on and runs out of battery again. So it goes thru a cycle of charging enough to turn itself on then it shuts off again and repeats that over and over again. Now the iPad site says to push on a couple of the buttons for 15 min. to an hour and that will bring up the shut off button on the touch screen. But it doesn't come up. Tried it many times....we all did! I just need to buy a charger that works is all. Meantime I'll use my tablet.
I loved your mom's joke! Ha ha! Made me laugh
Quick question about DS. I think you mentioned he goes to Daycare while you are working right? Do you know the times he naps at daycare? There are some that give too much naptime or to close to dismissal and this causes the children to have a hard time sleeping at night. Because he is old enough to be sleeping thru the night unless there is another reason which you might bring up at your next appointment. Course I'm aware of the fact that there are children that are just very light sleepers....and do wake thru out the night. I just think for your sake if there is something you can change to make it better for him and you it would be worth it.
Tod thanks for your advise and it is good too. We do that when we have that problem. Its just that this is different. The charger isnt broken its just not good quality. Its super cheep and doesn't give enough charge to charge up the iPad before it turns on and runs out of battery again. So it goes thru a cycle of charging enough to turn itself on then it shuts off again and repeats that over and over again. Now the iPad site says to push on a couple of the buttons for 15 min. to an hour and that will bring up the shut off button on the touch screen. But it doesn't come up. Tried it many times....we all did! I just need to buy a charger that works is all. Meantime I'll use my tablet.
I loved your mom's joke! Ha ha! Made me laugh
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Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 112
Originally Posted by cleaninLI 
Awe so sorry Charley! I dont blame you it all sounds so exausting! Thats a good idea though....going to McDonalds . It gets you out of the house. Will hopefully wareout DS. Plus, sends the message to H that you will not stick around to be his sounding board.
Quick question about DS. I think you mentioned he goes to Daycare while you are working right? Do you know the times he naps at daycare? There are some that give too much naptime or to close to dismissal and this causes the children to have a hard time sleeping at night. Because he is old enough to be sleeping thru the night unless there is another reason which you might bring up at your next appointment. Course I'm aware of the fact that there are children that are just very light sleepers....and do wake thru out the night. I just think for your sake if there is something you can change to make it better for him and you it would be worth it.
Tod thanks for your advise and it is good too. We do that when we have that problem. Its just that this is different. The charger isnt broken its just not good quality. Its super cheep and doesn't give enough charge to charge up the iPad before it turns on and runs out of battery again. So it goes thru a cycle of charging enough to turn itself on then it shuts off again and repeats that over and over again. Now the iPad site says to push on a couple of the buttons for 15 min. to an hour and that will bring up the shut off button on the touch screen. But it doesn't come up. Tried it many times....we all did! I just need to buy a charger that works is all. Meantime I'll use my tablet.
I loved your mom's joke! Ha ha! Made me laugh
Quick question about DS. I think you mentioned he goes to Daycare while you are working right? Do you know the times he naps at daycare? There are some that give too much naptime or to close to dismissal and this causes the children to have a hard time sleeping at night. Because he is old enough to be sleeping thru the night unless there is another reason which you might bring up at your next appointment. Course I'm aware of the fact that there are children that are just very light sleepers....and do wake thru out the night. I just think for your sake if there is something you can change to make it better for him and you it would be worth it.
Tod thanks for your advise and it is good too. We do that when we have that problem. Its just that this is different. The charger isnt broken its just not good quality. Its super cheep and doesn't give enough charge to charge up the iPad before it turns on and runs out of battery again. So it goes thru a cycle of charging enough to turn itself on then it shuts off again and repeats that over and over again. Now the iPad site says to push on a couple of the buttons for 15 min. to an hour and that will bring up the shut off button on the touch screen. But it doesn't come up. Tried it many times....we all did! I just need to buy a charger that works is all. Meantime I'll use my tablet.
I loved your mom's joke! Ha ha! Made me laugh
Tod, lol!
Charlie, so sorry for your pain. You must be so exhausted! My heart breaks for you!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 4,966
Hmm....well I'm using the same white power brick that came with my iPad that I've used forever.,..then my husband brought this charger with an extra long wire.(30 pin cable) I believe he paid only $5 for it? It says its can be used with ipad or iPhone? But apparently it can't? At least not with mine. So that will have to go back.....I ssume I'll have to invest more than$5 if I want something that works?
Yes, Charley I feel for you too! But I think TOD is right.....he's going to need something more than what he's doing. But I know he doesn't want it.
Yes, Charley I feel for you too! But I think TOD is right.....he's going to need something more than what he's doing. But I know he doesn't want it.
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Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 112
Originally Posted by cleaninLI
Hmm....well I'm using the same white power brick that came with my iPad that I've used forever.,..then my husband brought this charger with an extra long wire.(30 pin cable) I believe he paid only $5 for it? It says its can be used with ipad or iPhone? But apparently it can't? At least not with mine. So that will have to go back.....I ssume I'll have to invest more than$5 if I want something that works?
Yes, Charley I feel for you too! But I think TOD is right.....he's going to need something more than what he's doing. But I know he doesn't want it.
Yes, Charley I feel for you too! But I think TOD is right.....he's going to need something more than what he's doing. But I know he doesn't want it.
I was getting ready to send my iPad back to be replaced when at the end of a two hour conversation with an Apple tech, he asked me this simple question. Problem solved, lol.
RIP Maria
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: AR
Posts: 7,654
Originally Posted by PinkCloudsCharley
Ya I know. And I can tell him that till I'm purple. But fact is if he doest want help he won't get it. And I'm tired.
If you are having to take DS to McDonald's to get away from the abuse and spend at least two hours there? You've got to come to some decision as to what you are going to do to keep yourself and children safe!
With H's family history and him afraid of you abandoning him too like his parent's did? Taking his mental abuse out on YOU and not wanting you to leave by begging you to stay is: "Mental abuse!" He's keeping you trapped in his own insanity!
Give him an ultimatum! Either he goes for treatment or you're leaving with the kids! It's not like you haven't done everything you can yourself to make the marriage work!
How many more days, weeks, months or years are you going to continue doing this? H is getting worse! Not better! I'm sure the wear and tear on yourself is going to start taking affect on your job too!
I'm not telling you what to do! I've only told you what I've done in the past myself and what I see thru your posts what H is doing to you and the kids!
TOD
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Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 112
We stay, we try, and then we try harder. We forgive, rationalize, and minimize .
Until we just can't take another minute of it.
It wasn't when my ex lied about being sober, it wasn't when he went to his doctor to get more Xanax that he was abusing, it was when he flipped out over a Kleenex! I kid you not!! This grown man had such a tantrum over the last Kleenex in the box and how I knew it but didn't replace them....lol. Something hit me like a ton of bricks. I looked at him for the first time with such clarity. I thought "you really are one screwed up individual" and I decided I was no longer going to allow this jerk to abuse me another second!! I was done, so done!!
It wasn't the rehabs fault, or AA's fault, Or Smart or his therapist or his mothers any more. He was who he was and was not going to change. Just the other day, he called me raging about our accountant. I told him to call me back when he could act like an adult, not a 5 year old and hung up. In the past, I would of spent all my energy trying to calm him down. Today? I can't believe I ever tolerated such foolishness!!
Until we just can't take another minute of it.
It wasn't when my ex lied about being sober, it wasn't when he went to his doctor to get more Xanax that he was abusing, it was when he flipped out over a Kleenex! I kid you not!! This grown man had such a tantrum over the last Kleenex in the box and how I knew it but didn't replace them....lol. Something hit me like a ton of bricks. I looked at him for the first time with such clarity. I thought "you really are one screwed up individual" and I decided I was no longer going to allow this jerk to abuse me another second!! I was done, so done!!
It wasn't the rehabs fault, or AA's fault, Or Smart or his therapist or his mothers any more. He was who he was and was not going to change. Just the other day, he called me raging about our accountant. I told him to call me back when he could act like an adult, not a 5 year old and hung up. In the past, I would of spent all my energy trying to calm him down. Today? I can't believe I ever tolerated such foolishness!!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: WI
Posts: 1,426
Dear TOD and the friends here,
July is approaching, the panick is setting in...
would you mind sending me some of that
STRONG inner strength and confidence
to help me get thru this?
TOD, I do admire your ability and true spirit
to be strong in times of trouble and pain.
Can you and the group recharge my hope please?
I'm gonna be ok, right?
Can't help but luv ya!
TF
July is approaching, the panick is setting in...
would you mind sending me some of that
STRONG inner strength and confidence
to help me get thru this?
TOD, I do admire your ability and true spirit
to be strong in times of trouble and pain.
Can you and the group recharge my hope please?
I'm gonna be ok, right?
Can't help but luv ya!
TF
RIP Maria
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: AR
Posts: 7,654
I can only imagine how I was in my opiate using days! And then again? I saw signs all around myself how I was! Sigh!
We build a cocoon around ourselves and our relationship with our spouse! It's something we never want to see opened! But alas! Things happen in our lives at times that causes the outter layers to start peeling off to the point we are raw and bleeding!
Drugs and alcohol can cause the layers to peel away! Family problems can cause the layers to peel away! Kids too! And then of course there's health problems that enter the cocoon to cause problems!
This is when we start the battle to repair it! At some point if only one person is surviving the battle and the others are being tromped upon? It's time the healthy person needs to start evaluating their relationship/repairs!
If both parties are putting their 50% into repairing the problems? There's hope for a good outcome! If one is constantly slamming doors on the problem(s) and always looking to escape into oblivion and always blaming the other party in petty ways? Something major in the relationship needs to occur!
I've lived in places I wouldn't suggest anyone else to live in just to get me and my daughter out of homes/relationships that weren't good ones. But it was places we were safe and out of harm until I could get us into a better place.
There are times when enough is enough! And believe me! I'm not one to stay in a relationship/marriage because of my religion beliefs or any other reason. I'm nobody's door mat for them to wipe their feet on or to abuse!
I've had my problems with Jethro taking the opiates for many years while I'm close to being clean a year off them. But the thing is? He isn't abusive. He doesn't cuss me out! He doesn't physically beat me up either! If any of those were the case? I'd been gone a long time ago! He's not petty over stuff either! Like; you didn't hold my hand or I used the last tissue! If he did that or started that? I'd tell him to eat chit and roll over for someone else to scratch his ego and belly! He'd be seeing my car tail lights soon after too! He wouldn't have to worry about taking care of our pets either, because they would soon be with ME! I shocked the crap out of my last husband when I sold all 75 chickens and came back to get all my Silkie chickens! I had always told him: "When my Silkie's leave? I'm gone for good!" I filed for a divorce and never looked back!
I'm lucky Jethro isn't under his mother's thumb! He values his wife way more than his mother and daughter! And his mother is always trying to stir trouble up for us! His daughter did for years too! Thankfully she isn't anymore and we have a good relationship!
We all have to look at the values in our lives and figure out what's important and what isn't! Some things/ppl have to be left behind in order to live a happier life!
TOD
We build a cocoon around ourselves and our relationship with our spouse! It's something we never want to see opened! But alas! Things happen in our lives at times that causes the outter layers to start peeling off to the point we are raw and bleeding!
Drugs and alcohol can cause the layers to peel away! Family problems can cause the layers to peel away! Kids too! And then of course there's health problems that enter the cocoon to cause problems!
This is when we start the battle to repair it! At some point if only one person is surviving the battle and the others are being tromped upon? It's time the healthy person needs to start evaluating their relationship/repairs!
If both parties are putting their 50% into repairing the problems? There's hope for a good outcome! If one is constantly slamming doors on the problem(s) and always looking to escape into oblivion and always blaming the other party in petty ways? Something major in the relationship needs to occur!
I've lived in places I wouldn't suggest anyone else to live in just to get me and my daughter out of homes/relationships that weren't good ones. But it was places we were safe and out of harm until I could get us into a better place.
There are times when enough is enough! And believe me! I'm not one to stay in a relationship/marriage because of my religion beliefs or any other reason. I'm nobody's door mat for them to wipe their feet on or to abuse!
I've had my problems with Jethro taking the opiates for many years while I'm close to being clean a year off them. But the thing is? He isn't abusive. He doesn't cuss me out! He doesn't physically beat me up either! If any of those were the case? I'd been gone a long time ago! He's not petty over stuff either! Like; you didn't hold my hand or I used the last tissue! If he did that or started that? I'd tell him to eat chit and roll over for someone else to scratch his ego and belly! He'd be seeing my car tail lights soon after too! He wouldn't have to worry about taking care of our pets either, because they would soon be with ME! I shocked the crap out of my last husband when I sold all 75 chickens and came back to get all my Silkie chickens! I had always told him: "When my Silkie's leave? I'm gone for good!" I filed for a divorce and never looked back!
I'm lucky Jethro isn't under his mother's thumb! He values his wife way more than his mother and daughter! And his mother is always trying to stir trouble up for us! His daughter did for years too! Thankfully she isn't anymore and we have a good relationship!
We all have to look at the values in our lives and figure out what's important and what isn't! Some things/ppl have to be left behind in order to live a happier life!
TOD
RIP Maria
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: AR
Posts: 7,654
Originally Posted by Twofish
Dear TOD and the friends here,
July is approaching, the panick is setting in...
would you mind sending me some of that
STRONG inner strength and confidence
to help me get thru this?
TOD, I do admire your ability and true spirit
to be strong in times of trouble and pain.
Can you and the group recharge my hope please?
I'm gonna be ok, right?
Can't help but luv ya!
TF
July is approaching, the panick is setting in...
would you mind sending me some of that
STRONG inner strength and confidence
to help me get thru this?
TOD, I do admire your ability and true spirit
to be strong in times of trouble and pain.
Can you and the group recharge my hope please?
I'm gonna be ok, right?
Can't help but luv ya!
TF
You've waited a long time for this month to arrive! Picture in your mind someone trying to hurt that grandbaby! What would you do if that happened or was happening? I sure wouldn't want to stand in your path when you came charging thru!
My last husband hated red nail polish! LOL I said if I ever had to go to court and he was there? I'd had red toenails and red fingernails!
You are your own woman/person now! Stand tall and be sure of what you want! It's been a long road to get here! Pull over and take a break now!
TOD
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Canada.
Posts: 795
Thank you everyone for the support.
Last night I came home with DS to an empty house. wish I would have realized that when I was sitting at McDonald's for two hours and then dragging out a screaming kid who wanted to keep playing on the slide lol!
H didn't come home last night. He's gone tonight for business. I got a good sleep, and feel better. I am glad I won't have to face him tonight.
He was texting a lot, telling me I'm trying to take the kids away from him, that I'm evil, and that he wishes I didn't hate him. This all comes from me saying I don't want to be yelled at, or sworn at, or called names. I don't want to be told I'm thinking something nasty about him that I'm not (his favourite is that he says I think he's worthless. I have never said that. Or that all I want him for is so he can make money. If that was the case, would I be asking him to spend time with us instead of working every evening on stuff he should have finished during the day?)
His self esteem is so low, that he creates these problems so he can turn it around, say Hey Look! Charley is angry with me and hates me and therefore I must be a horrible person! But it's not true, I don't hate him, I have never said that, and I never will.
I need to take some time to figure this all out.
Last night I came home with DS to an empty house. wish I would have realized that when I was sitting at McDonald's for two hours and then dragging out a screaming kid who wanted to keep playing on the slide lol!
H didn't come home last night. He's gone tonight for business. I got a good sleep, and feel better. I am glad I won't have to face him tonight.
He was texting a lot, telling me I'm trying to take the kids away from him, that I'm evil, and that he wishes I didn't hate him. This all comes from me saying I don't want to be yelled at, or sworn at, or called names. I don't want to be told I'm thinking something nasty about him that I'm not (his favourite is that he says I think he's worthless. I have never said that. Or that all I want him for is so he can make money. If that was the case, would I be asking him to spend time with us instead of working every evening on stuff he should have finished during the day?)
His self esteem is so low, that he creates these problems so he can turn it around, say Hey Look! Charley is angry with me and hates me and therefore I must be a horrible person! But it's not true, I don't hate him, I have never said that, and I never will.
I need to take some time to figure this all out.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 4,966
Hi Charley I pmed you.
I just can't help but feel you are being fooled. That a lot of his pity party rants are really a way to take the focus off him and to put it on you. I think he is master of manipulation and probably had a couple of excellent teachers. (His alcoholic Mom and Dad. )
You are a Normie who has no reason to believe what someone tells you isn't the truth. But I also think H knows that you feel extra compassion for him because of his very painful childhood. You are a mother after all.
You might not see the cycle you all are in.,..but we do. You are too close to it.....a part of it. We are further back and can see the whole pattern. I have a feeling these cycles coincide with H's relapses. (for lack of a better word) The self-hatred he expresses to you might actually be his anger at himself for giving into his cravings. Then blaming is his deflecting his guilt on to you.
Please do not slip into denial. Its what you do until it happens again and the cycle begins anew. Do not take my response negativity. Its only my observation. And it's intended to open your eyes and see what's really happening here.
But I doubt what I say will really have that impact. I trust something will and you will see things crystal clear. But until that point not much will change unfortunately.
But we are here for you anyway.
(((Charley)))
Twofish my thoughts and prayers are with you thru your hearing.
I just can't help but feel you are being fooled. That a lot of his pity party rants are really a way to take the focus off him and to put it on you. I think he is master of manipulation and probably had a couple of excellent teachers. (His alcoholic Mom and Dad. )
You are a Normie who has no reason to believe what someone tells you isn't the truth. But I also think H knows that you feel extra compassion for him because of his very painful childhood. You are a mother after all.
You might not see the cycle you all are in.,..but we do. You are too close to it.....a part of it. We are further back and can see the whole pattern. I have a feeling these cycles coincide with H's relapses. (for lack of a better word) The self-hatred he expresses to you might actually be his anger at himself for giving into his cravings. Then blaming is his deflecting his guilt on to you.
Please do not slip into denial. Its what you do until it happens again and the cycle begins anew. Do not take my response negativity. Its only my observation. And it's intended to open your eyes and see what's really happening here.
But I doubt what I say will really have that impact. I trust something will and you will see things crystal clear. But until that point not much will change unfortunately.
But we are here for you anyway.
(((Charley)))
Twofish my thoughts and prayers are with you thru your hearing.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Canada.
Posts: 795
Clean I completely understand what you are saying. But I get so confused and twisted up! Now H is saying I don't love him, I don't respect him, I'm toxic and he can't speak to me until I get off my high horse. He totally twists around to it being something I've done and then I get twisted up and I wonder, maybe this IS all my fault! If only I'd have listened! If only I'd show him mode affection! If only I loved him more! And he's so good at playing the sad little boy that I end up feeling like a big bad evil witch!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 1,854
I sent you a pm too.
Its not you Charley. There are deeper issues here. But I know its gotta be hard to not internalize what he's saying. wasnt it a week ago his parents were sending him emails of how rotten he is. Hes got emotional issues he's gotta deal with.
Its not you Charley. There are deeper issues here. But I know its gotta be hard to not internalize what he's saying. wasnt it a week ago his parents were sending him emails of how rotten he is. Hes got emotional issues he's gotta deal with.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Canada.
Posts: 795
Intellectually I know that, Blue, but in my heart, I'm confused. He keeps telling me that it's me, not him, and why would someone I've loved for so long lie to me? Especially one that's been so steady and calm and loving until about 5 or 6 years ago? It's like he's a different man. And I know I should realize who he is NOW and not who he was, but it's hard and I keep hoping and praying that the old H comes back to me.
The whole problem last night was he brought up something that I don't agree with. And I tried to be gentle about it but it involves both of us and I thought it was settled already. And then comes the "I've opened my heart to you and this is how you treat me and all I wanted was to be closer to you and it's obvious you don't want to be close to me. I don't know why you hate me" And then, where do I go from there??? Anything I say will make me look like a big ugly ogre.
Last night he said I didn't respect him, that I talked down to him and was morally superior, that all he wants is to be close to me and love me, and because I hate myself so much I don't allow that to happen. All the while, he was yelling at me and swearing at me and telling me to "shut my f***ing piehole" and to "tie my f***ing tongue in a knot so he can talk for five f***ing minutes".
This is the man who brought me a dessert a few hours earlier at work because I said it sounded yummy.
And then I wonder if I am a big ugly ogre who is on a moral high horse. Maybe he is completely sane and I'm nuts.
The whole problem last night was he brought up something that I don't agree with. And I tried to be gentle about it but it involves both of us and I thought it was settled already. And then comes the "I've opened my heart to you and this is how you treat me and all I wanted was to be closer to you and it's obvious you don't want to be close to me. I don't know why you hate me" And then, where do I go from there??? Anything I say will make me look like a big ugly ogre.
Last night he said I didn't respect him, that I talked down to him and was morally superior, that all he wants is to be close to me and love me, and because I hate myself so much I don't allow that to happen. All the while, he was yelling at me and swearing at me and telling me to "shut my f***ing piehole" and to "tie my f***ing tongue in a knot so he can talk for five f***ing minutes".
This is the man who brought me a dessert a few hours earlier at work because I said it sounded yummy.
And then I wonder if I am a big ugly ogre who is on a moral high horse. Maybe he is completely sane and I'm nuts.
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 4,966
Charley have you told your therapist what you are telling us? What does he say? Does he say you are this ogre you think you are? Does he say H has lots of issues and basically what we are telling you?
Now has anyone else told you that you are a witch?
Okay? So who do you believe? The therapist? Us? The others who know you? Or H?
Now has anyone else told you that you are a witch?
Okay? So who do you believe? The therapist? Us? The others who know you? Or H?
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