Thinking about relapsing
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Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 293
Thinking about relapsing
Hello everybody,
First of all, thank you for creating this awesome place and for sharing all your stories and thoughts. I've read trough a lot of posts, stories, etc. I've started too feel like I know a little bit some of you and it seems like I'm reading my story here and there. It's been an inspiration and a great help.
So .. the reason I write apart from thanking you is because those days I'm thinking about relapsing.
I stopped smoking pot almost 3 months ago, after a lot of unsuccessful attempts. My story with weed is long and complicated, but long story short - I've started around the age of 17, first tried maybe 16, not sure. Since 17 I started smoking a lot, now I'm 27, so that makes 10 years, of which only about two I was not smoking, the biggest period was almost an year, after which I relapsed. So that makes around 8 years being a daily smoker.
With the time it got worse and worse, I would smoke more and more, I got mood swings, anger, depression, demotivation also, anxiety, all i wanted was to be high and do cool stuff. I was postponing things, not working as hard as should have, but back then I didn't really saw all that. I thought everything is OK, I was actually enjoying it.
Of course, I'm not stupid so I could see I'm kind off addicted, there were attempts where I try and actually did stop, in the beginning it was so much easier, but also I would relapse easier. There were periods like when I was abroad and could not smoke, where it was not such a problem, yes I craved it, but it wasn't such a big deal.
But the last few years it got really worse, i started smoking a lot, especially when I relapsed after almost year of not smoking. In the first few weeks everything seemed to be OK, the first time I bought I lasted like a week or something with 0.5g, but then few months later I was at 1g a day more or less.
So I was smoking all day, and it got worse and worse, I mean, it felt that way. You know, before I was happy even though I was smoking a lot and everything, but when I realized I've a real problem and was still smoking, well then it was not that enjoyable, and not only that, but it just wasn't that good, a lot of side effects began to appear, all described by you folks as well - anger, depression, anxiety, mood swings. I was irritated, not happy with a lot of things and still not doing much to change them.
I was spending a fortune on weed even on periods when I was not making a lot of money, I would always find weed somehow or money for it. I would make debts with interest, hang out with people I don't really like, and other stuff just to get weed or get high. I would wait for the dealer to call or come, I would always measure how much is it, get angry if it's not OK or bad quality, got burned with a little bit of money also (okay, not much, but still). I would take risks carrying it and everything and all that and a lot more just to get high.
Eating for example, that was a pathetic, so ... you know how when you're high and you eat, the high drops. So I wouldn't want to smoke and eat right after (also did not feel good eating right after smoking), but also couldn't eat if I haven't smoked, because I was so nervous and anxious, so I had to smoke and then eat, or if I eat it will be quick and I wont get the pleasure from eating.
And so many other things - I couldn't watch a movie if I'm not high, I preferred doing sex while high (but not right after, just when the high drops a little bit) and pretty much everything I had to do stoned.
I would get late for somewhere, because I had to smoke.
I got out from a wedding in the middle of it, right before the party starts, drove my car in the rain, smoked and them came back and only then I was able to actually enjoy the party, and yes it was good, but ... (btw, I saw a video after that and I kinda looked bad, I mean wasted).
And so many other things I would like to share .... I was not really happy while smoking especially those last few years, I had many failed attempts, the last ones were very ugly, I would get withdrawal symptoms like:
Restlessness
Lost of appetite
Nausea
Shakes
Sweaty hands
Mood swings
Panic attacks (had them while smoking too)
Being nervous
Lost of sex desire
Depression (I was even crying)
And many more
And yes, they were physical, I was feeling very bad, depressed, no desire for anything, couldn't eat, lost some weight (not a lot, but I'm training to gain weight, so it was ****** up). Strange thing I still can't get the weight back, it seemed weed was helping, because the other times I quit I also lost weight and when I relapsed it came back wtf, like my training were paying off better. Oh, also I couldn't train if not high.
Sooo, basically I couldn't do/enjoy most of the things if not high and I was not able to stop.
This last time was different ... first of all, I did a retrospective, where year by year I traced my life back to my teenage years, so I was when I started, when it got worse, periods when I was not smoking, I could see what happened when I was not smoking, how my life was going back then, how weed affected it, and so on. I still smoked while doing it, but it was soo powerful, I just saw how much time and opportunities I've missed.
Then I decided once again that I must stop. I was thinking about waiting to smoke everything I had and then stop (done it many times, i would even smoke it super fast to get it done faster, then panic and get more if not the same day, 1-2-3 days later, max week or so ?)
This time I flushed it in the toilet (actually done that before too, anyway). So I flushed it, and flushed again, and again (damn thing would not flush) and again ... eventually it would flush. I remember saying to myself that this time it would be different, I wont have the appetite problems and everything, I just made my mind to it! And it worked! It wasn't super easy or something, but much easier than the previous attempts from the last months.
So I started living sober. I had some close moments, where god was protecting me I believe, I mean I was vulnerable to smoke again, even took some from a friend, rolled it up, almost lit it and then flushed it.
Also another moment when I asked for a joint my dealer (one ******* joint, and he did not gave me, although I've given him thousands bucks on weed, nvm). Good that he did not ... later that day I could take from another guy, but did not ... I dunno if someone was to hand me a lit one, maybe I would smoke back then in one of those moments .. it's just like that .. you're sober, everything is fine, then a joint comes up or opportunity and you're like omg, I want to ... it's like someone else is thinking for me ...
So far so good, I did not smoke, although I could find and etc. I even deleted one dealers number, for which I now regret ....
That's the problem ... even though I had all this experience and everything, I read a lot about it, even here, so many posts ... I still want to smoke ... but I don't want to be back in the pit and misery again ... but I wanna get high ...
Even today I said to myself that I know that I'm going to smoke again some day ... I just want to do some of the things I used to high again ... i want to be high again ... but I don't want to be junky again!!!!
I've this friend that is so proud of me for stopping, even made me talk with her bf, because he smokes
I was like - he has to make his mind up, I'll talk with him, but it's very different ... and I did .. but ... I don't want to look bad in their eyes, like failure, but then it's my life so ...
Or like I used to say - "What good to quit and all the benefits, If I''m not happy" ... and it really seems that I'm less happy ... or am I ?
I think I'm handling life better now, although not sure ..
The cough is gone for sure, I coughed out really ugly things ...
But still miss it ... I catch myself fantasizing about using again, in moderation, recreational use ... yeah ... like that worked before .. I'm pretty sure if I smoke again I'll be back to daily using .... or maybe not ?!
It's difficult for me ... I don't want to be the junky, the pothead, always wasted and etc ... but also I don't want to be unhappy ... I feel like I'm missing out ...
Pfff .... sorry about the long post, I just need to share and there's so much more ... thank you for being there, it means a lot, I hope you'll read my story and it will be useful for you.
I feel vulnerable, like if someone hands me joint I would smoke or something .. or like I'm gonna call the dealer and buy some or some friend to get from ... but I know I shouldn't and still ... one of my dreams was to go to Netherlands and get wasted there and I still kind of wanna do it ... I dunno, it's a battle in my mind ... I want to smoke weed and I don't want to smoke weed ... omg
Please do give me advice and a share of your experience, thank you so much !!! I just can't stop writing, but I should, so here I am stopping
Thanks folks, keep it up!
First of all, thank you for creating this awesome place and for sharing all your stories and thoughts. I've read trough a lot of posts, stories, etc. I've started too feel like I know a little bit some of you and it seems like I'm reading my story here and there. It's been an inspiration and a great help.
So .. the reason I write apart from thanking you is because those days I'm thinking about relapsing.
I stopped smoking pot almost 3 months ago, after a lot of unsuccessful attempts. My story with weed is long and complicated, but long story short - I've started around the age of 17, first tried maybe 16, not sure. Since 17 I started smoking a lot, now I'm 27, so that makes 10 years, of which only about two I was not smoking, the biggest period was almost an year, after which I relapsed. So that makes around 8 years being a daily smoker.
With the time it got worse and worse, I would smoke more and more, I got mood swings, anger, depression, demotivation also, anxiety, all i wanted was to be high and do cool stuff. I was postponing things, not working as hard as should have, but back then I didn't really saw all that. I thought everything is OK, I was actually enjoying it.
Of course, I'm not stupid so I could see I'm kind off addicted, there were attempts where I try and actually did stop, in the beginning it was so much easier, but also I would relapse easier. There were periods like when I was abroad and could not smoke, where it was not such a problem, yes I craved it, but it wasn't such a big deal.
But the last few years it got really worse, i started smoking a lot, especially when I relapsed after almost year of not smoking. In the first few weeks everything seemed to be OK, the first time I bought I lasted like a week or something with 0.5g, but then few months later I was at 1g a day more or less.
So I was smoking all day, and it got worse and worse, I mean, it felt that way. You know, before I was happy even though I was smoking a lot and everything, but when I realized I've a real problem and was still smoking, well then it was not that enjoyable, and not only that, but it just wasn't that good, a lot of side effects began to appear, all described by you folks as well - anger, depression, anxiety, mood swings. I was irritated, not happy with a lot of things and still not doing much to change them.
I was spending a fortune on weed even on periods when I was not making a lot of money, I would always find weed somehow or money for it. I would make debts with interest, hang out with people I don't really like, and other stuff just to get weed or get high. I would wait for the dealer to call or come, I would always measure how much is it, get angry if it's not OK or bad quality, got burned with a little bit of money also (okay, not much, but still). I would take risks carrying it and everything and all that and a lot more just to get high.
Eating for example, that was a pathetic, so ... you know how when you're high and you eat, the high drops. So I wouldn't want to smoke and eat right after (also did not feel good eating right after smoking), but also couldn't eat if I haven't smoked, because I was so nervous and anxious, so I had to smoke and then eat, or if I eat it will be quick and I wont get the pleasure from eating.
And so many other things - I couldn't watch a movie if I'm not high, I preferred doing sex while high (but not right after, just when the high drops a little bit) and pretty much everything I had to do stoned.
I would get late for somewhere, because I had to smoke.
I got out from a wedding in the middle of it, right before the party starts, drove my car in the rain, smoked and them came back and only then I was able to actually enjoy the party, and yes it was good, but ... (btw, I saw a video after that and I kinda looked bad, I mean wasted).
And so many other things I would like to share .... I was not really happy while smoking especially those last few years, I had many failed attempts, the last ones were very ugly, I would get withdrawal symptoms like:
Restlessness
Lost of appetite
Nausea
Shakes
Sweaty hands
Mood swings
Panic attacks (had them while smoking too)
Being nervous
Lost of sex desire
Depression (I was even crying)
And many more
And yes, they were physical, I was feeling very bad, depressed, no desire for anything, couldn't eat, lost some weight (not a lot, but I'm training to gain weight, so it was ****** up). Strange thing I still can't get the weight back, it seemed weed was helping, because the other times I quit I also lost weight and when I relapsed it came back wtf, like my training were paying off better. Oh, also I couldn't train if not high.
Sooo, basically I couldn't do/enjoy most of the things if not high and I was not able to stop.
This last time was different ... first of all, I did a retrospective, where year by year I traced my life back to my teenage years, so I was when I started, when it got worse, periods when I was not smoking, I could see what happened when I was not smoking, how my life was going back then, how weed affected it, and so on. I still smoked while doing it, but it was soo powerful, I just saw how much time and opportunities I've missed.
Then I decided once again that I must stop. I was thinking about waiting to smoke everything I had and then stop (done it many times, i would even smoke it super fast to get it done faster, then panic and get more if not the same day, 1-2-3 days later, max week or so ?)
This time I flushed it in the toilet (actually done that before too, anyway). So I flushed it, and flushed again, and again (damn thing would not flush) and again ... eventually it would flush. I remember saying to myself that this time it would be different, I wont have the appetite problems and everything, I just made my mind to it! And it worked! It wasn't super easy or something, but much easier than the previous attempts from the last months.
So I started living sober. I had some close moments, where god was protecting me I believe, I mean I was vulnerable to smoke again, even took some from a friend, rolled it up, almost lit it and then flushed it.
Also another moment when I asked for a joint my dealer (one ******* joint, and he did not gave me, although I've given him thousands bucks on weed, nvm). Good that he did not ... later that day I could take from another guy, but did not ... I dunno if someone was to hand me a lit one, maybe I would smoke back then in one of those moments .. it's just like that .. you're sober, everything is fine, then a joint comes up or opportunity and you're like omg, I want to ... it's like someone else is thinking for me ...
So far so good, I did not smoke, although I could find and etc. I even deleted one dealers number, for which I now regret ....
That's the problem ... even though I had all this experience and everything, I read a lot about it, even here, so many posts ... I still want to smoke ... but I don't want to be back in the pit and misery again ... but I wanna get high ...
Even today I said to myself that I know that I'm going to smoke again some day ... I just want to do some of the things I used to high again ... i want to be high again ... but I don't want to be junky again!!!!
I've this friend that is so proud of me for stopping, even made me talk with her bf, because he smokes
I was like - he has to make his mind up, I'll talk with him, but it's very different ... and I did .. but ... I don't want to look bad in their eyes, like failure, but then it's my life so ...Or like I used to say - "What good to quit and all the benefits, If I''m not happy" ... and it really seems that I'm less happy ... or am I ?
I think I'm handling life better now, although not sure ..
The cough is gone for sure, I coughed out really ugly things ...
But still miss it ... I catch myself fantasizing about using again, in moderation, recreational use ... yeah ... like that worked before .. I'm pretty sure if I smoke again I'll be back to daily using .... or maybe not ?!
It's difficult for me ... I don't want to be the junky, the pothead, always wasted and etc ... but also I don't want to be unhappy ... I feel like I'm missing out ...
Pfff .... sorry about the long post, I just need to share and there's so much more ... thank you for being there, it means a lot, I hope you'll read my story and it will be useful for you.
I feel vulnerable, like if someone hands me joint I would smoke or something .. or like I'm gonna call the dealer and buy some or some friend to get from ... but I know I shouldn't and still ... one of my dreams was to go to Netherlands and get wasted there and I still kind of wanna do it ... I dunno, it's a battle in my mind ... I want to smoke weed and I don't want to smoke weed ... omg
Please do give me advice and a share of your experience, thank you so much !!! I just can't stop writing, but I should, so here I am stopping
Thanks folks, keep it up!
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,547
Hi Teodor - and welcome
It took me a long time to not want to get high - but I was determined to try a different way. My old way of living, drinking and smoking was killing me, soul first.
I stayed clean and sober, I worked hard at building a sober life I loved and hard at being the best me I could be.
Gradually I changed - my perceptions changed, my priorities shifted... and eventually I did not want to get high anymore.
I prefer not being high now
It will happen for you too
D
It took me a long time to not want to get high - but I was determined to try a different way. My old way of living, drinking and smoking was killing me, soul first.
I stayed clean and sober, I worked hard at building a sober life I loved and hard at being the best me I could be.
Gradually I changed - my perceptions changed, my priorities shifted... and eventually I did not want to get high anymore.
I prefer not being high now
It will happen for you too
D
Last edited by Dee74; 03-28-2015 at 04:36 PM.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Cape Town
Posts: 22
Welcome Teodor,
In my eyes 3 months is a pretty good achievement! A lot of what you wrote I can completely relate to.
I'm going through a similar thought pattern -knowing that smoking is not good for me, yet still hoping that if I do a couple of months of sobriety then I can go back to "recreational use" and be in control. After countless relapses I know though, that it doesn't work that way. It's something that I'm forcing myself to accept. Or at least I'm trying to work through it.
Those close moments that you described, the ones with the dealer and the flushing of the joint, made me smile. I've had similar experiences with other drugs and I also attributed it to God
Keep on posting and making use of SR. I might only be on day 4, but I feel extremely confident about the attempt. A lot of that confidence stems from the wisdom and support of the people on this forum.
Keep us updated.
VH
In my eyes 3 months is a pretty good achievement! A lot of what you wrote I can completely relate to.
I'm going through a similar thought pattern -knowing that smoking is not good for me, yet still hoping that if I do a couple of months of sobriety then I can go back to "recreational use" and be in control. After countless relapses I know though, that it doesn't work that way. It's something that I'm forcing myself to accept. Or at least I'm trying to work through it.
Those close moments that you described, the ones with the dealer and the flushing of the joint, made me smile. I've had similar experiences with other drugs and I also attributed it to God
Keep on posting and making use of SR. I might only be on day 4, but I feel extremely confident about the attempt. A lot of that confidence stems from the wisdom and support of the people on this forum.
Keep us updated.
VH
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 970
Great post , Theodore ! Thanks for sharing ! I can relate so much to a lot of the things you said, for sure. And I think many have that big struggle with the desire to quit being a pothead and become a recreational smoker again, doing it occasionally . That's a tough one . I know I've struggled with that idea too. I read a book on alcoholics, most who totally quit because they knew they HAD to to change their life and there were a few that went back to limited drinking after being sober for a few years, so it really depends on the person. But I do believe you need to be clean from pot for a long time before attempting any kind of controlled use. Even then, most know they can't open that door ever or else it'll swing right back open again to full time smoking. So, you really need to know yourself, but only after a LONG time clean. Many of the things you used pot for need to be replaced with healthy means first, like how do I handle my stress now ? How do I handle boredom, loniliness now ? What new, ihealthy skills do I need to learn ? I also think the desire to escape or to runaway mentally for whatever reason needs be handled in healthy ,new ways too. Like Dee said, it's rebuilding a healthy Life with new healthy ways to cope and enjoy it. And after doing all that, like Dee , you may not even want to get high anymore because you've created a fulfilling life for yourself. Keep coming back and sharing your feelings -we're all working on the same project.
hopping for freedom
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 847
Hi Teodor. It doesn't sound like you were happy smoking weed to me. I think you are romanticizing it a bit when you are thinking about having some now and then. For me and a lot of other people (maybe you too) there is only smoking it all the time or not smoking it at all. Sure it would be nice if we could have a bit when we wanted but that's not one of the options. Being stoned is not worth the long list of stuff you describe that made you miserable on it.
Three months is some good time for sure. Really well done on that. However, it is still early on. Give it some time. I quit over a year ago now and I'm totally used to life without it now and I don't miss it any more. Some people take longer than me to stop craving it. Even if it took years and years, it would be worth it compared to the rest of your life.
Three months is some good time for sure. Really well done on that. However, it is still early on. Give it some time. I quit over a year ago now and I'm totally used to life without it now and I don't miss it any more. Some people take longer than me to stop craving it. Even if it took years and years, it would be worth it compared to the rest of your life.
Stingy athlete recovery method
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: U. S. A.
Posts: 754
Originally Posted by teodor 
This time I flushed it in the toilet (actually done that before too, anyway). So I flushed it, and flushed again, and again (damn thing would not flush) and again ... eventually it would flush.
This anecdote has quite the symbolic value! Reading your story with all of its details reminds me again of how "done" I am with marijuana. Thank you.
Mel
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 293
Dee - I'm trying to be different, but not sure where to start. I work more now than before, it seems that it's helping, but I still need to chill and etc. Can't be working non stop, plus I still have this postpone thing, I dunno if it's the weed or it's just the way I am.
vanharten - keep on buddy, u gonna make it. I know that recreational use is not for me, because even if i start thinking about it, i see how i make plans to smoke again and again and again. It's better to not create your whole life around it, and yet I still fantasize that it will be different this time, but it won't, I know. I believe God is with us and helping us!
Happycampers - maybe there are people that manage to do it, but one really needs to change the way he thinks, and then maybe he wont have the "need" to get high ? I know that if I lit, I'll be back to it probably all the time.
I do handle stress better now, I think, I'm more calm and everything, managing things better but ...
I still have depression issues, difficulties taking decisions, etc ... some anxiety as well ... I'm not sure how to approach things ... and the loneliness ... that's a very tough one ... i feel quite lonely, currently I'm single, been trough some break ups while still smoking and it was rough, panic attacks and etc .. still not sure how's gonna be in a new relationship without the weed, I think I'm a funnier person when high, but also more anxious. But when high sometimes I think I look stupid, I'm embarrassed, but that also depends on whom I am with ... some ppl make me feel like that some not.
Also bout sex ... I remember this time after being sober for almost a year how I reinvented sex kind off when I relapsed ... how it is with you folks ? I saw no one mentioning that so far. Do u like it better with or without. I mean maybe it's better, but then u can't get enough and also there are moments when it's not better ... u have this obsessive thoughts in ur mind and can't relax, or u get dizzy and u're like wtf ... there were moments when I would even stop coz so high ... so I'm not sure even for that .. but other moments it was awesome ... i guess it's like that with weed, u dunno how it's gonna be ... maybe
Wackybunny - I might be romanticizing bout it, but I did felt better on curtain moments when high ... yeah, other were ****** up but ... now I'm like not excited as much about things as I used to be ... but I also don't freak out bout not having or using too much and etc ... but weed gave me some kind of magic over things ... making them more appealing, more beautiful ...
Mel - glad I helped, it does have symbolic view, yes, it's the way it was, not wanting to let go of me ... or I of it ... (I was gonna write her omg)
Soo bottom line, still sober, but little bit depressed ... for example watching a movie is not as appealing for me right now ... as if it's not gonna be so cool ... I dunno i think my brain is so used of the drug, that is hard for me to be without ... I mean yeah, it's not like I crave a lot or something, but it's like - what's the meaning and purpose of not smoking if I'm not gonna be happier ? Maybe I'm over thinking it and just need to get myself more busy and do things.
I just have this fog in my mind and I'm having harder time concentrating and taking decisions ...
As you can see I'm quite confused and rumbling random thoughts ... I hope I don't disturb any of you with my thoughts and fears ... I want to be supportive and not let u don't or something ... I'm just confused ... thanks folks
vanharten - keep on buddy, u gonna make it. I know that recreational use is not for me, because even if i start thinking about it, i see how i make plans to smoke again and again and again. It's better to not create your whole life around it, and yet I still fantasize that it will be different this time, but it won't, I know. I believe God is with us and helping us!
Happycampers - maybe there are people that manage to do it, but one really needs to change the way he thinks, and then maybe he wont have the "need" to get high ? I know that if I lit, I'll be back to it probably all the time.
I do handle stress better now, I think, I'm more calm and everything, managing things better but ...
I still have depression issues, difficulties taking decisions, etc ... some anxiety as well ... I'm not sure how to approach things ... and the loneliness ... that's a very tough one ... i feel quite lonely, currently I'm single, been trough some break ups while still smoking and it was rough, panic attacks and etc .. still not sure how's gonna be in a new relationship without the weed, I think I'm a funnier person when high, but also more anxious. But when high sometimes I think I look stupid, I'm embarrassed, but that also depends on whom I am with ... some ppl make me feel like that some not.
Also bout sex ... I remember this time after being sober for almost a year how I reinvented sex kind off when I relapsed ... how it is with you folks ? I saw no one mentioning that so far. Do u like it better with or without. I mean maybe it's better, but then u can't get enough and also there are moments when it's not better ... u have this obsessive thoughts in ur mind and can't relax, or u get dizzy and u're like wtf ... there were moments when I would even stop coz so high ... so I'm not sure even for that .. but other moments it was awesome ... i guess it's like that with weed, u dunno how it's gonna be ... maybe
Wackybunny - I might be romanticizing bout it, but I did felt better on curtain moments when high ... yeah, other were ****** up but ... now I'm like not excited as much about things as I used to be ... but I also don't freak out bout not having or using too much and etc ... but weed gave me some kind of magic over things ... making them more appealing, more beautiful ...
Mel - glad I helped, it does have symbolic view, yes, it's the way it was, not wanting to let go of me ... or I of it ... (I was gonna write her omg)
Soo bottom line, still sober, but little bit depressed ... for example watching a movie is not as appealing for me right now ... as if it's not gonna be so cool ... I dunno i think my brain is so used of the drug, that is hard for me to be without ... I mean yeah, it's not like I crave a lot or something, but it's like - what's the meaning and purpose of not smoking if I'm not gonna be happier ? Maybe I'm over thinking it and just need to get myself more busy and do things.
I just have this fog in my mind and I'm having harder time concentrating and taking decisions ...
As you can see I'm quite confused and rumbling random thoughts ... I hope I don't disturb any of you with my thoughts and fears ... I want to be supportive and not let u don't or something ... I'm just confused ... thanks folks
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 970
You're doing wonderful,Thedor! That's what this site is for -expressing and sharing and hopefully, find some more clarity along the way by expressing and reading about other peoples' experiences. I'm pretty sure no one here will be bothered in the least, but rather happy your here and doing what you're doing ! You're doing fine !
Member
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Cape Town
Posts: 22
Hi Teodor,
Thanks for your vote of confidence! I'm still going strong. And yes, God is with us, always
Like Happy said, please don't worry about "rumbling random thoughts", I think everyone here is benefiting from your posts.
About the sex: You definitely made me think! I don't know if you guys have seen Roger Avery's Rules of Attraction based on Brett Easton Ellis' brilliant novel of the same name. Well, there's a scene where this guy is having sex with this girl, but his inner monologue is telling him that something is off, something is not right. And then it hits him: he couldn't remember when last he had sober sex!
That's what I was thinking about when reading that part of your post. Except I can remember, it's probably been a good 3 years - with my last steady girlfriend. And those occasions were only because it was early morning and she would have been angry( and probably not that keen anymore)if I got out of bed, drank a few glasses of wine and smoked a quick joint.
All of my other sexual escapades since then have been with me being drunk and stoned. And thinking about it now, that's fairly disappointing.
It makes me a little bit excited for the sober sex. It's probably going to feel like a whole new experience. You see, I was always cocktailing the alcohol and the weed, and on a fair number of occasions it's been mediocre - it hasn't been great. Then again, how many truly great one night stands does one experience? Truth is that I get anxious sometimes with just the weed, so I always liked to balance things out with a couple of glasses of red, or preferably the entire bottle.
Like you, I'm single at the moment and sometimes I feel lonely, too. Usually, I would drink and smoke to curb these feelings, then go out and find someone to make me feel better. I don't know how I will be in relationship when I'm sober. I suppose it has to be better than the ones I've had before, which have been tainted by my abuse of these substances. I'm a little scared to be honest, but I'm going to try - well, if the right girl comes along
Like you, I've had no desire to watch films in the last 5 days, and I haven't even tried writing creatively. From reading other people's posts, I figure that the desire for these pleasures will return in time. If it happened for them, then surely it will happen for us. At the moment I'm just focussing on my recovery, and looking for positives - which there are many of, one just has to look in the right places.
Keep on being strong
VH
Thanks for your vote of confidence! I'm still going strong. And yes, God is with us, always
Like Happy said, please don't worry about "rumbling random thoughts", I think everyone here is benefiting from your posts.
About the sex: You definitely made me think! I don't know if you guys have seen Roger Avery's Rules of Attraction based on Brett Easton Ellis' brilliant novel of the same name. Well, there's a scene where this guy is having sex with this girl, but his inner monologue is telling him that something is off, something is not right. And then it hits him: he couldn't remember when last he had sober sex!
That's what I was thinking about when reading that part of your post. Except I can remember, it's probably been a good 3 years - with my last steady girlfriend. And those occasions were only because it was early morning and she would have been angry( and probably not that keen anymore)if I got out of bed, drank a few glasses of wine and smoked a quick joint.
All of my other sexual escapades since then have been with me being drunk and stoned. And thinking about it now, that's fairly disappointing.
It makes me a little bit excited for the sober sex. It's probably going to feel like a whole new experience. You see, I was always cocktailing the alcohol and the weed, and on a fair number of occasions it's been mediocre - it hasn't been great. Then again, how many truly great one night stands does one experience? Truth is that I get anxious sometimes with just the weed, so I always liked to balance things out with a couple of glasses of red, or preferably the entire bottle.
Like you, I'm single at the moment and sometimes I feel lonely, too. Usually, I would drink and smoke to curb these feelings, then go out and find someone to make me feel better. I don't know how I will be in relationship when I'm sober. I suppose it has to be better than the ones I've had before, which have been tainted by my abuse of these substances. I'm a little scared to be honest, but I'm going to try - well, if the right girl comes along
Like you, I've had no desire to watch films in the last 5 days, and I haven't even tried writing creatively. From reading other people's posts, I figure that the desire for these pleasures will return in time. If it happened for them, then surely it will happen for us. At the moment I'm just focussing on my recovery, and looking for positives - which there are many of, one just has to look in the right places.
Keep on being strong
VH
hopping for freedom
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 847
I lost interest in things I normally enjoyed (guitar, gardening, art, socializing) for a long time but it came back slowly. Still not as social as I used to be which is strange as I thought I'd be more so.
As far as intimacy is concerned, I find it a little sad that so many people are not experiencing it sober. And surprising. But that's my naivety I guess. I think it's bad when drunk (plain bad, non functioning, barely worth it, no thank you) and weird when stoned because being stoned interferes with intimacy and confidence. I think you guys might be pleasantly surprised when in time, you get used to being sober and go out and find a genuine, heartfelt connection. It can be scary to be vulnerable but that's where all the fun comes from (imo).
As far as intimacy is concerned, I find it a little sad that so many people are not experiencing it sober. And surprising. But that's my naivety I guess. I think it's bad when drunk (plain bad, non functioning, barely worth it, no thank you) and weird when stoned because being stoned interferes with intimacy and confidence. I think you guys might be pleasantly surprised when in time, you get used to being sober and go out and find a genuine, heartfelt connection. It can be scary to be vulnerable but that's where all the fun comes from (imo).
Member
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 1
teodor,
It sounds to me like you are self medicating with Marijuana for problems with depression and panic attacks, and for things like social isolation, boredom.
I personally think you are over focusing on Marijuana as the only main problem, and you need to address the issues in your life which are contributing to your depression and anxiety. For example Panic Attacks have a significant psychological component, and you should probably get professional help to learn to deal with anxiety- that might be therapy or medication. I am not denying that Marijuana may be aggravating these issues for you, but to a degree it sounds like you tend to obsess over things like Marijuana.
And being lonely and having social problems with others, they are issues that if you can address and learn how to find other satisfactions in your life, then probably your desire to smoke Marijuana will become a lot less.
But one last thing, you should give yourself credit for the massive achievement you have made in changing your lifestyle, it sounds like you partially have dealt with various issues in your life.
It sounds to me like you are self medicating with Marijuana for problems with depression and panic attacks, and for things like social isolation, boredom.
I personally think you are over focusing on Marijuana as the only main problem, and you need to address the issues in your life which are contributing to your depression and anxiety. For example Panic Attacks have a significant psychological component, and you should probably get professional help to learn to deal with anxiety- that might be therapy or medication. I am not denying that Marijuana may be aggravating these issues for you, but to a degree it sounds like you tend to obsess over things like Marijuana.
And being lonely and having social problems with others, they are issues that if you can address and learn how to find other satisfactions in your life, then probably your desire to smoke Marijuana will become a lot less.
But one last thing, you should give yourself credit for the massive achievement you have made in changing your lifestyle, it sounds like you partially have dealt with various issues in your life.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,547
Hi hypermic and welcome
I'm afraid not entirely with you on a few points.
For me, rather than sorting out my underlying issues - the reasons I started smoking - in order to stop...I stopped in order for me to have the capacity to deal with those underlying reasons.
The first way never worked for me.
None of us can really know whats pot-related and whats not until we have a clear head and a better perspective on things.
and...you're perfectly entitled to your opinion...but seeing as this is a marijuana addiction forum, I don't think it's 'over focusing' to focus on pot... I know myself pot was instrumental (and fundamental) in my long history of panic attacks and general anxiety
D
I'm afraid not entirely with you on a few points.
For me, rather than sorting out my underlying issues - the reasons I started smoking - in order to stop...I stopped in order for me to have the capacity to deal with those underlying reasons.
The first way never worked for me.
None of us can really know whats pot-related and whats not until we have a clear head and a better perspective on things.
and...you're perfectly entitled to your opinion...but seeing as this is a marijuana addiction forum, I don't think it's 'over focusing' to focus on pot... I know myself pot was instrumental (and fundamental) in my long history of panic attacks and general anxiety
D
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 970
Funny thing, I was thinking about very subject my self today. What is it? Is it depression / anxiety leading to self-medicating or is it depression/anxiety BECAUSE of long- term or heavy use of pot ? What came first - the chicken or the egg ? From the reading I've done here, it seems like a lot of the depression and anxiety clear up quite a bit for most people once they've had some solid clean time under their belt. I'm hoping that's true and that my depressive /anxious moments lessen in intensity and occurrence with more clean time!
hopping for freedom
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 847
I don't think that dealing with other problems would have made quitting weed much easier for me. Weed was first and foremost. I didn't care about depression or boredom, those were just an excuse to smoke weed. I probably would have rather been depressed and stoned than cheerful and not have weed (LOL, but true???). Everything was an excuse to smoke weed. Once I quit weed I was in a position to know what my baseline was and it really wasn't so bad at all. Some people are left with lots of work to do but at least they are of a clear enough mind to go about doing it. As it's been said, it's a bit chicken and egg-ish. The only way to know is to quit weed so you can rule that out. I felt like I was starting to know my natural self (what was "real" and what was weed) at about 6 months but it was still an unfolding process. After a year I feel like I've stabilized but we'll see.
Oh, and as I've said in probably every single thread because I find it so mind blowing, once I quit weed (and the withdrawal/PAWS was over) my anxiety problems all but disappeared. I thought I was self medicating for anxiety but I was self inducing anxiety. Oh, the bitter irony. Not saying it's the same for everyone but it wouldn't have done me much good to wait to quit weed until I had my anxiety under control, never would have happened.
Oh, and as I've said in probably every single thread because I find it so mind blowing, once I quit weed (and the withdrawal/PAWS was over) my anxiety problems all but disappeared. I thought I was self medicating for anxiety but I was self inducing anxiety. Oh, the bitter irony. Not saying it's the same for everyone but it wouldn't have done me much good to wait to quit weed until I had my anxiety under control, never would have happened.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 293
Hi all,
hypermic - thank you about your comment and suggestions, but - I did not had any history with panic attacks or depression before I started smoking. Actually panic attacks developed by the very end (except panicking about not having lol) and they lasted some time after I stopped. When I smoked I would think about how I can't stop, how I have this or that problem and I would go panicking bout it. I also had severe panic attacks on breakups, but I was smoking heavily back then. I'm not sure if weed was the cause for the panic attacks and depression, but when I come to think about it, it might have been helping a lot.
Also - I don't think I have social problems, yes I'm single now and yes I do feel lonely, but that is something different. Normally I'm a social person and I don't have problems with communicating and etc, even I would say I'm a very communicative person.
About the chicken and the egg - maybe is different for everybody, but most probably weed comes first as we didn't needed it before we started right ? If you're depressed and never have smoked weed, how could you know if it's gonna help ?
It's a tough one, but again I think is different for everybody. I do believe that excess smoking do create problems with ones thinking - as you already know.
I've had hard times when I thought/believed that weed was my saviour and I wouldn't have been able to cope with the situation without it, but again - how could I know ? I was already addicted back then. Maybe I would have done better without ?
Yes, I believe my anxiety is better now that I don't smoke, I was so nervous before, but I still have episodes of paranoia, anxiety and etc. Honestly not sure, but I think is better without, I was just going crazy sometimes when I smoked - my mind was like really ****** up, but that wasn't the cause always, sometimes I would get really calm and easy. Sooo ... dunno.
Yesterday I got back my dealers number, not sure why, the whole day I was thinking should I call him or not and I still am ... I dunno I wanna get high but at the same time I'm very scared bout it and don't wanna ruin those 3 months sobriety ... plus being back in the pit it terrifies me ... but also I wanna get the high feeling ... omg I'm so confused bout it ... I fantasize bout controlling it, but then I don't think I'll be able to ... most probably not ... I dreamed that night that I'm getting high, but I didn't liked it ... anyway ... I'm trying to stay strong, but if I have to battle it everyday I dunno ... I just watch the beautiful weather right now and I wanna get high and go for a walk in the sun ... don't have sunglasses though lol (so I'm ashamed of it obviously - getting high I mean, not the sunglasses thing). When I come to think bout it if I get high I dunno if I will go out, at least not immediately, I'll be to wasted to be round people, then maybe obsessive thoughts would emerge ... or not ... I would like to experiment, but it can end up badly for me ... I mean getting back to being a daily smoker and I don't want that ...
When I work and do stuff i.e when I keep myself busy, I don't think about smoking that much or at all, but when it comes to relax and having fun and etc .... I just don't know how do it without getting high ... and I just catch myself thinking that someday I will smoke again, I just have difficult time imagining not smoking ever again .. like ever ?! Thank you guys for the support and I hope I'm of help to you as well!!! Keep it up and stay strong!
hypermic - thank you about your comment and suggestions, but - I did not had any history with panic attacks or depression before I started smoking. Actually panic attacks developed by the very end (except panicking about not having lol) and they lasted some time after I stopped. When I smoked I would think about how I can't stop, how I have this or that problem and I would go panicking bout it. I also had severe panic attacks on breakups, but I was smoking heavily back then. I'm not sure if weed was the cause for the panic attacks and depression, but when I come to think about it, it might have been helping a lot.
Also - I don't think I have social problems, yes I'm single now and yes I do feel lonely, but that is something different. Normally I'm a social person and I don't have problems with communicating and etc, even I would say I'm a very communicative person.
About the chicken and the egg - maybe is different for everybody, but most probably weed comes first as we didn't needed it before we started right ? If you're depressed and never have smoked weed, how could you know if it's gonna help ?
It's a tough one, but again I think is different for everybody. I do believe that excess smoking do create problems with ones thinking - as you already know.
I've had hard times when I thought/believed that weed was my saviour and I wouldn't have been able to cope with the situation without it, but again - how could I know ? I was already addicted back then. Maybe I would have done better without ?
Yes, I believe my anxiety is better now that I don't smoke, I was so nervous before, but I still have episodes of paranoia, anxiety and etc. Honestly not sure, but I think is better without, I was just going crazy sometimes when I smoked - my mind was like really ****** up, but that wasn't the cause always, sometimes I would get really calm and easy. Sooo ... dunno.
Yesterday I got back my dealers number, not sure why, the whole day I was thinking should I call him or not and I still am ... I dunno I wanna get high but at the same time I'm very scared bout it and don't wanna ruin those 3 months sobriety ... plus being back in the pit it terrifies me ... but also I wanna get the high feeling ... omg I'm so confused bout it ... I fantasize bout controlling it, but then I don't think I'll be able to ... most probably not ... I dreamed that night that I'm getting high, but I didn't liked it ... anyway ... I'm trying to stay strong, but if I have to battle it everyday I dunno ... I just watch the beautiful weather right now and I wanna get high and go for a walk in the sun ... don't have sunglasses though lol (so I'm ashamed of it obviously - getting high I mean, not the sunglasses thing). When I come to think bout it if I get high I dunno if I will go out, at least not immediately, I'll be to wasted to be round people, then maybe obsessive thoughts would emerge ... or not ... I would like to experiment, but it can end up badly for me ... I mean getting back to being a daily smoker and I don't want that ...
When I work and do stuff i.e when I keep myself busy, I don't think about smoking that much or at all, but when it comes to relax and having fun and etc .... I just don't know how do it without getting high ... and I just catch myself thinking that someday I will smoke again, I just have difficult time imagining not smoking ever again .. like ever ?! Thank you guys for the support and I hope I'm of help to you as well!!! Keep it up and stay strong!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 970
Theodore, just a suggestion to maybe consider. Why not set yourself a goal of one year of clean time and then see how you feel . This way , you give yourself a chance to go through fully allowing the brain to heal, restoring you back to your "true" self and seeing how that feels. If you still feel that incredible urge to indulge " ocassionally" , then go for it. You may have a chance to go recreational after a year without falling into a stoner again. And you may discover you don't need nor want to do it at all, like WB after a year. But at least you gave yourself that gift of knowing your true self again and making decisions from that place. Just a thought. And if it was me, I would burn that dealer number Today!
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,547
For me it came down to a choice - I could be the person I wanted to be, living the life I wanted to live...or I could smoke. I couldn't do both.
Neither can you Teodor. If you could have you would have.
If you're like me you gave years over to smoking and getting high.
My advice is to give not getting high a little longer, man
D
Neither can you Teodor. If you could have you would have.
If you're like me you gave years over to smoking and getting high.
My advice is to give not getting high a little longer, man
D
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Colorado Springs, CO
Posts: 2,391
What I found was that when I got help for my mental health, the draw to use substances got to be less and less. Could you have underlying mental health issues that you were self medicating for? Even if those MH aren't permanent and are caused by pot use, you can still get emotional health support. There is no shame in getting help. At least in the US, we are made to feel that addiction, and all the other slew of mental health issues are to be ashamed of. I am so sick and tired of that crap. Anyway, I'm bringing my baggage in to this-to say, you can do this. Go talk to someone about the depression etc. that you feel when you're not using. Through therapy and other things, I bet you can get through this a little more comfortably. You may need meds the rest of your life-of just for a few months. You won't know until you talk to someone.
You don't have to do this alone. There is help. SR, Meetings if you wish and mental health support.
You don't have to do this alone. There is help. SR, Meetings if you wish and mental health support.
hopping for freedom
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 847
Also, not sure if it's already been mentioned but there is also PAWS to consider. Have you done your research on that? It helped me a lot to know that while I was still having some rough times months after quitting, they were normal and would get fewer and farther between as the weeks and months rolled on. I dedicated over 20 years to smoking weed so it wasn't hard to justify dedicating the time to quitting weed. I mean, I knew everything there was to know about smoking weed and so there was nothing new or exciting to learn there.
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