Hello everybody,
First of all, thank you for creating this awesome place and for sharing all your stories and thoughts. I've read trough a lot of posts, stories, etc. I've started too feel like I know a little bit some of you and it seems like I'm reading my story here and there. It's been an inspiration and a great help.
So .. the reason I write apart from thanking you is because those days I'm thinking about relapsing.
I stopped smoking pot almost 3 months ago, after a lot of unsuccessful attempts. My story with weed is long and complicated, but long story short - I've started around the age of 17, first tried maybe 16, not sure. Since 17 I started smoking a lot, now I'm 27, so that makes 10 years, of which only about two I was not smoking, the biggest period was almost an year, after which I relapsed. So that makes around 8 years being a daily smoker.
With the time it got worse and worse, I would smoke more and more, I got mood swings, anger, depression, demotivation also, anxiety, all i wanted was to be high and do cool stuff. I was postponing things, not working as hard as should have, but back then I didn't really saw all that. I thought everything is OK, I was actually enjoying it.
Of course, I'm not stupid so I could see I'm kind off addicted, there were attempts where I try and actually did stop, in the beginning it was so much easier, but also I would relapse easier. There were periods like when I was abroad and could not smoke, where it was not such a problem, yes I craved it, but it wasn't such a big deal.
But the last few years it got really worse, i started smoking a lot, especially when I relapsed after almost year of not smoking. In the first few weeks everything seemed to be OK, the first time I bought I lasted like a week or something with 0.5g, but then few months later I was at 1g a day more or less.
So I was smoking all day, and it got worse and worse, I mean, it felt that way. You know, before I was happy even though I was smoking a lot and everything, but when I realized I've a real problem and was still smoking, well then it was not that enjoyable, and not only that, but it just wasn't that good, a lot of side effects began to appear, all described by you folks as well - anger, depression, anxiety, mood swings. I was irritated, not happy with a lot of things and still not doing much to change them.
I was spending a fortune on weed even on periods when I was not making a lot of money, I would always find weed somehow or money for it. I would make debts with interest, hang out with people I don't really like, and other stuff just to get weed or get high. I would wait for the dealer to call or come, I would always measure how much is it, get angry if it's not OK or bad quality, got burned with a little bit of money also (okay, not much, but still). I would take risks carrying it and everything and all that and a lot more just to get high.
Eating for example, that was a pathetic, so ... you know how when you're high and you eat, the high drops. So I wouldn't want to smoke and eat right after (also did not feel good eating right after smoking), but also couldn't eat if I haven't smoked, because I was so nervous and anxious, so I had to smoke and then eat, or if I eat it will be quick and I wont get the pleasure from eating.
And so many other things - I couldn't watch a movie if I'm not high, I preferred doing sex while high (but not right after, just when the high drops a little bit) and pretty much everything I had to do stoned.
I would get late for somewhere, because I had to smoke.
I got out from a wedding in the middle of it, right before the party starts, drove my car in the rain, smoked and them came back and only then I was able to actually enjoy the party, and yes it was good, but ... (btw, I saw a video after that and I kinda looked bad, I mean wasted).
And so many other things I would like to share .... I was not really happy while smoking especially those last few years, I had many failed attempts, the last ones were very ugly, I would get withdrawal symptoms like:
Restlessness
Lost of appetite
Nausea
Shakes
Sweaty hands
Mood swings
Panic attacks (had them while smoking too)
Being nervous
Lost of sex desire
Depression (I was even crying)
And many more
And yes, they were physical, I was feeling very bad, depressed, no desire for anything, couldn't eat, lost some weight (not a lot, but I'm training to gain weight, so it was ****** up). Strange thing I still can't get the weight back, it seemed weed was helping, because the other times I quit I also lost weight and when I relapsed it came back wtf, like my training were paying off better. Oh, also I couldn't train if not high.
Sooo, basically I couldn't do/enjoy most of the things if not high and I was not able to stop.
This last time was different ... first of all, I did a retrospective, where year by year I traced my life back to my teenage years, so I was when I started, when it got worse, periods when I was not smoking, I could see what happened when I was not smoking, how my life was going back then, how weed affected it, and so on. I still smoked while doing it, but it was soo powerful, I just saw how much time and opportunities I've missed.
Then I decided once again that I must stop. I was thinking about waiting to smoke everything I had and then stop (done it many times, i would even smoke it super fast to get it done faster, then panic and get more if not the same day, 1-2-3 days later, max week or so ?)
This time I flushed it in the toilet (actually done that before too, anyway). So I flushed it, and flushed again, and again (damn thing would not flush) and again ... eventually it would flush. I remember saying to myself that this time it would be different, I wont have the appetite problems and everything, I just made my mind to it! And it worked! It wasn't super easy or something, but much easier than the previous attempts from the last months.
So I started living sober. I had some close moments, where god was protecting me I believe, I mean I was vulnerable to smoke again, even took some from a friend, rolled it up, almost lit it and then flushed it.
Also another moment when I asked for a joint my dealer (one ******* joint, and he did not gave me, although I've given him thousands bucks on weed, nvm). Good that he did not ... later that day I could take from another guy, but did not ... I dunno if someone was to hand me a lit one, maybe I would smoke back then in one of those moments .. it's just like that .. you're sober, everything is fine, then a joint comes up or opportunity and you're like omg, I want to ... it's like someone else is thinking for me ...
So far so good, I did not smoke, although I could find and etc. I even deleted one dealers number, for which I now regret ....
That's the problem ... even though I had all this experience and everything, I read a lot about it, even here, so many posts ... I still want to smoke ... but I don't want to be back in the pit and misery again ... but I wanna get high ...
Even today I said to myself that I know that I'm going to smoke again some day ... I just want to do some of the things I used to high again ... i want to be high again ... but I don't want to be junky again!!!!
I've this friend that is so proud of me for stopping, even made me talk with her bf, because he smokes
I was like - he has to make his mind up, I'll talk with him, but it's very different ... and I did .. but ... I don't want to look bad in their eyes, like failure, but then it's my life so ...
Or like I used to say - "What good to quit and all the benefits, If I''m not happy" ... and it really seems that I'm less happy ... or am I ?
I think I'm handling life better now, although not sure ..
The cough is gone for sure, I coughed out really ugly things ...
But still miss it ... I catch myself fantasizing about using again, in moderation, recreational use ... yeah ... like that worked before .. I'm pretty sure if I smoke again I'll be back to daily using .... or maybe not ?!
It's difficult for me ... I don't want to be the junky, the pothead, always wasted and etc ... but also I don't want to be unhappy ... I feel like I'm missing out ...
Pfff .... sorry about the long post, I just need to share and there's so much more ... thank you for being there, it means a lot, I hope you'll read my story and it will be useful for you.
I feel vulnerable, like if someone hands me joint I would smoke or something .. or like I'm gonna call the dealer and buy some or some friend to get from ... but I know I shouldn't and still ... one of my dreams was to go to Netherlands and get wasted there and I still kind of wanna do it ... I dunno, it's a battle in my mind ... I want to smoke weed and I don't want to smoke weed ... omg
Please do give me advice and a share of your experience, thank you so much !!! I just can't stop writing, but I should, so here I am stopping
Thanks folks, keep it up!