Hi all,
hypermic - thank you about your comment and suggestions, but - I did not had any history with panic attacks or depression before I started smoking. Actually panic attacks developed by the very end (except panicking about not having lol) and they lasted some time after I stopped. When I smoked I would think about how I can't stop, how I have this or that problem and I would go panicking bout it. I also had severe panic attacks on breakups, but I was smoking heavily back then. I'm not sure if weed was the cause for the panic attacks and depression, but when I come to think about it, it might have been helping a lot.
Also - I don't think I have social problems, yes I'm single now and yes I do feel lonely, but that is something different. Normally I'm a social person and I don't have problems with communicating and etc, even I would say I'm a very communicative person.
About the chicken and the egg - maybe is different for everybody, but most probably weed comes first as we didn't needed it before we started right ? If you're depressed and never have smoked weed, how could you know if it's gonna help ?
It's a tough one, but again I think is different for everybody. I do believe that excess smoking do create problems with ones thinking - as you already know.
I've had hard times when I thought/believed that weed was my saviour and I wouldn't have been able to cope with the situation without it, but again - how could I know ? I was already addicted back then. Maybe I would have done better without ?
Yes, I believe my anxiety is better now that I don't smoke, I was so nervous before, but I still have episodes of paranoia, anxiety and etc. Honestly not sure, but I think is better without, I was just going crazy sometimes when I smoked - my mind was like really ****** up, but that wasn't the cause always, sometimes I would get really calm and easy. Sooo ... dunno.
Yesterday I got back my dealers number, not sure why, the whole day I was thinking should I call him or not and I still am ... I dunno I wanna get high but at the same time I'm very scared bout it and don't wanna ruin those 3 months sobriety ... plus being back in the pit it terrifies me ... but also I wanna get the high feeling ... omg I'm so confused bout it ... I fantasize bout controlling it, but then I don't think I'll be able to ... most probably not ... I dreamed that night that I'm getting high, but I didn't liked it ... anyway ... I'm trying to stay strong, but if I have to battle it everyday I dunno ... I just watch the beautiful weather right now and I wanna get high and go for a walk in the sun ... don't have sunglasses though lol (so I'm ashamed of it obviously - getting high I mean, not the sunglasses thing). When I come to think bout it if I get high I dunno if I will go out, at least not immediately, I'll be to wasted to be round people, then maybe obsessive thoughts would emerge ... or not ... I would like to experiment, but it can end up badly for me ... I mean getting back to being a daily smoker and I don't want that ...
When I work and do stuff i.e when I keep myself busy, I don't think about smoking that much or at all, but when it comes to relax and having fun and etc .... I just don't know how do it without getting high ... and I just catch myself thinking that someday I will smoke again, I just have difficult time imagining not smoking ever again .. like ever ?! Thank you guys for the support and I hope I'm of help to you as well!!! Keep it up and stay strong!
