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Old 01-25-2013, 10:33 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Cheating and cocaine addiction

Just been reading Broken101's post about her cheating 'partner'. What is the story with addiction and sexual / cheating betrayal??? As 'Outtolunch' puts - cheating is NEVER acceptable NOR is lying... yet it seems that so many people (me included) have made 'allowances' for our addict - for the simple reason they are an addict. I have read so many times that cocaine addiction (especially) leads to sexual addiction / straying from your partner/ numerous partners etc etc. Is there ANY room to 'blame' it all on the drugs - or is it truly simply a 'personality flaw' escacerbrated (spelling???) by drug use???
H has lied to me so many times this past year I can't begin to count..... but I have finally reached that place (also with the help of going no contact) - that I have had enough. It is such a pleasure NOT speaking to him in a day - for there is no more wasted time wondering if he is telling me the truth or not.... what a time saver!!!!
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Old 01-25-2013, 10:49 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Hi Lara, in the segment of the population that doesn't use cocaine there is plenty of lying too and cheating on your partner, however a cocaine addict has no morals and that could possibly cause behavior that might not have been there before. Please in no way enable him to use, keep your money separate from his and hide all yours jewelry and valuable possessions if you want to keep them.
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Old 01-25-2013, 11:43 AM   #3 (permalink)
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I told my AGF that I was willing to tolerate the up's and down's associated with her "recovery" (HA!), but I would not tolerate her being unfaithful.

And she was. On more than one occasion. Washed my hands clean of that, and that's that.

Speaking only for myself, when I think back to all the times she came and stayed over my house, knowing now what she was doing behind my back, I feel sick. It's such a slimy, nasty feeling, even now.

When someone is behaving in a manner that runs contrary to your value system, you shouldn't have to compromise that value system for anyone. Remember that.

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Old 01-25-2013, 11:50 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Speaking only for myself, when I think back to all the times she came and stayed over my house, knowing now what she was doing behind my back, I feel sick. It's such a slimy, nasty feeling, even now.


ZoSo
As always Zoso you are spot on - hope your studies are going well!!
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Old 01-25-2013, 11:59 AM   #5 (permalink)
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this calls for a rewrite of the old lawyer joke:

Q. How do you know when a junkie is lying?

A. Their lips are moving!
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Old 01-25-2013, 01:20 PM   #6 (permalink)
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As always Zoso you are spot on - hope your studies are going well!!
Getting my head handed to me on a daily basis. It's a lot of fun!
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Old 01-25-2013, 02:03 PM   #7 (permalink)
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I've been on both sides of the recovery wall so to speak, let me speak as an addict.

I was addicted to pretty much anything, cocaine was a top DOC for me. As was heroin, as was alcohol. I have never cheated on my husband/boyfriend/whatever he was at the time, I have never physically abused anyone. Yet, for some reason these two behaviors (that plenty of people who aren't addicts commit) are tolerated, excused, blamed on addiction, expected, etc., and I will never understand that. Maybe blaming it on addiction softens the blow and makes it seem less..purposeful or intended?

I don't tolerate being hit, I don't tolerate being cheated on. I don't care what the 'excuse' is, they are intolerable behaviors that I have very firm boundaries on, and I will never ever stay with a partner who commits either. I will also never be with a partner who is an active addict. We all have our own boundaries for what we will accept or not in our lives, and I guess it's just up to us to think about and define.
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Old 01-25-2013, 03:06 PM   #8 (permalink)
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My exabf a crack addict, was not a cheater...thought it was wrong and a dealbreaker...go figure.

One of my lifelong friends married two cheaters, they were not alcoholics or drug addicts.

My mother is an alcoholic, has cheated many times.

IMO, cheating is an entirely different issue, drugs/alcohol may increase the impulse level, however, it is either set in ones core values or not.
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Old 01-25-2013, 03:18 PM   #9 (permalink)
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It sounds like everyone is different. I don't THINK my XAH would have cheated on me (6 month affair) unless he was using drugs. I believe it was the lack of sleep, cocaine and influence of this scumbag that led him to make this and other choices. He got so sucked up into this life and we were basically a 2 hour pittstop. He was never home. Each person is different. My X is a careless person. I have been drunk before and wake up the next morning and thought, "OMG"...I would have NEVER done those things sober. The difference is, is I learned to never get that drunk again. But the pull to the cocaine must be sooooooooo strong, My X has destroyed his family and has given up EVERYTHING for this drug. It is a very powerful drug. My X also has a weak will.

When this all came out, and my life exploded...I wanted him back. I loved him, and thought if he could come back and clean up his act we could get through it. I was willing to forgive it. I wanted our family to be whole and healthy. I can't tell where this forgiveness lead to, bc he was unwiling. He moved in with this disgusting woman and I have no idea where he is now. So, if he was truly remorseful and really tried hard to keep our family together I could have forgiven him. I think. But who knows. He chose addiction. I want NOTHING to do with addict. He is sick. Not thinking straight.

The man I married was a good man. I don't know who he is anymore. I don't even know where he is anymore...(thank god)!

The hardest part for me was the cheating. The lies. It is very hurtful.

Glad you are going no contact. It really is the only way to heal and move on.

Blessings.
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Old 01-25-2013, 04:12 PM   #10 (permalink)
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my ex's primary addiction is sex and then he became addicted to crack. He liked the way it made him gregarious, that women around him wanted him because he had cocaine, and also how it enhanced the sexual thoughts.

I believe that each person is different. BUT I don't want to excuse someone's transgressions because they were high. That's just me though.
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Old 01-25-2013, 04:39 PM   #11 (permalink)
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One of my dearest friends fell in love with a man I knew. He was my physical therapist. She hurt her shoulder so I gave her his number and suggested she see him because he had worked with me for several weeks with a sprain. I told her "You'll really like him. His office is attached to his cottage. He has an amazing Zen garden and a little Westie-dog who loves all his patients. He's a good guy."

My friend went for an appt. By the third appt. she was crazy about him. By the sixth or seventh appt. it was obvious to them both. There was chemistry. He told her that medical ethics prevented him from dating a patient. So she found a new physical therapist and they began dating.

He was on the face of things a man devoted to good health of both body and mind. He was good-looking, smart, friendly, nice to the 96 year old woman next door, and crazy in love with his little dog. His office was beautiful with a fireplace and Asian touches. His gardens were gorgeous.

I thought my friend would be safe.

He was a sex addict.

It took my friend nearly a year to discover this. In that year of not-knowing, he would do things that deeply upset her, say things which demeaned her, and often just shut her out. But always they patched things up and started again. I never asked her for details of what was happening--I don't pry--or maybe I could have helped her realize the true problem sooner. I just thought it was a rocky relationship.

Finally she used his password and she read his emails. For an entire month. All the emails setting up meetings, orgies, the works. He was and is a full-blown sex addict and on the surface he looks as safe as Dr. Oz.

When she told him what she had found, she gave him a choice: treatment, counseling/ or their relationship. He chose his addiction.

I think addictive disease simply generates addictive behavior. I heard it described in a TV show as a whack-a-mole game. You push one addiction down and another pops up.

So I think many people addicted to drugs will act out sexually, most especially if they have childhood sexual abuse in their history, or if they are narcissists who feel entitled to feeding their appetites. And this is in part why I and others here suggest with all our hearts that a person who is with an active addict back away for a good year from intimacy so to see what the addict is about. Recovery from addictive disease. Or jumping from one drug to another. My exrabf was a long-distance cyclist after he gave up drugs. He was a very very good cyclist. He won races. And he admits that he really just traded one addiction for another. (Then he crashed and was put on morphine and painkillers and that is an entirely separate story I have shared here).

I just cannot trust anyone with addictive disease who is not working a daily program of recovery, receiving long-term counseling, and doing service work with other addicts. The brain is, otherwise, just begging for some kind of escape.
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Old 01-25-2013, 06:00 PM   #12 (permalink)
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This is it:
"I just cannot trust anyone with addictive disease who is not working a daily program of recovery, receiving long-term counseling, and doing service work with other addicts. The brain is, otherwise, just begging for some kind of escape. "

YUP.
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Old 01-25-2013, 08:35 PM   #13 (permalink)
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i ask myself this question all the time. and i am thankful for you posting it and grateful that so many responded with good insight.

my husband is addicted to coke/alcohol....he cheated on me...and did horrible things. he is in rehab...and we are reconciling our marriage...one day at a time. yes, it was all bad...the lies, the betrayal...and just learning that my husband has a drug addiction was/is still overwhelming at times. and that he was an addict for so long.

but we are committed.

i will say this though. i dont think i would have gotten this far had i not gone to the family rehab meetings. really. i have learned so much about his addiction....i mean, he has been using off and on for several years...and i had no idea.

but see, in these groups....i hear from the patients and their families...and it is all bad. i mean everyone in my husband's group has done awful things...just awful. this one woman was using heroin the whole she was pregnant...and her baby was born addicted. she lost custody and is now trying to get him back. this woman has changed her life around...and feel horrible about all of her horrible mistakes. i mean...can you imagine...being the cause of your newborn addicted to drugs? well, the fact that she is an addict is no excuse right? i mean...it just isnt. she knew what she was doing, right? she is accountable, right? same thing with this other guy in the meeting who stole from his family...ran up the amex cards for drugs...and they lost everything. i mean...there is no excuse for that either, right? he new what he was doing? how could he cheat, steal, and beat up his dad like that?

well...what i have come to realize is that it is all bad. i mean...i just dont think you can expect the best behavior from someone who is doing coke everyday. sure, i know that there are some people who were not cheating while doing drugs everyday...or active in their addiction...but what else were they doing? sleeping with their dealer? stealing? lying about everything else? hurting their kids? i mean this is the type of stuff that is coming up in rehab that i hear about. it is all bad.

so, yes, cheating sucks. believe me. i know first hand. i am not making any excuses for my husband. he was a cheater, and he is an addict. 2 separate issues. but at the same time, he was doing a lot of other horrible things in addition to cheating on me while he was doing drugs. since he has been in recovery....i see him making incredible changes to improve his life. he doesnt get a pass for cheating because he was on drugs..and now getting help. no. he has to answer for that...and is taking the steps needed to reestablish trust...and be accountable. just like all the drug addicts who stole, hurt their families, wrecked cars, beat their loved ones...you name it...they have to be accountable for all of that other horrible behavior they did when doing drugs.

no passes.

and you know...i used to be the type of person who said..."if my man ever cheated on me...i would be gone!" i said that all the time..and really believed it! that was my boundary for sure!! and then i got married....and have been married for a long time...and had a child. well....its different now. i have a family. he cheated and has a drug addiction. it is not so easy to walk away...and think like i used to. sure, i wish sometimes it was easy..but it is not. and i think it is a completely different story when the person who cheated/addict wants to do whatever it takes to save the marriage. completely different ballgame. so, when i hear people say..."they would be gone!" i think to myself...yeah...i use to think like that too...but now the questions I ask are... "how old are you? are ya married? for how long? got kids? does he want to reconcile? does he want to get help?"

again...no passes....

sorry for the ramble! lol
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Old 01-25-2013, 11:00 PM   #14 (permalink)
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again...no passes....

sorry for the ramble! lol
Thank you so much Miller for your reply. Shwew addiction is hectic!! You so rightly put it - addicts do the MOST shocking things!!!! I suppose it is up to us as individuals what we are prepared to accept - based on the RECOVERING addicts committment to change and healing. I know so many people here say 'cheating total unacceptable'. And I respect that. Others make for allowances. Englishgarden so rightly puts it that anyone in active addiction has literally had their brain stolen by aliens (or something like that) and if you are prepared to wait - wait out the recovery for MINIMUM a year -and see what character lies underneith the drugs. For some people are simple just 'arseh*les' who would lie, cheat and steal under any circumstances.... and maybe, just an inkling of a maybe, others are not.
Very, very difficult when children are involved. And I would not judge anybody chosing to 'work on a marriage' if cheating involved when there are kids. But ONLY, and ONLY if it is a happy environment for the children, and the children are GENUINLY better off (emotionally and physically) with both parents together.....

But for the rest of us... when there is a whole world out there - a world with good people (define good?? Another debate for another time) - then why the hell waste one's precious gift of life with a manipulative, self involved addict!!!
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Old 01-26-2013, 01:37 PM   #15 (permalink)
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i was just watching a rerun of dr phil about addiction. this woman...a stay at home wife/mom who has 4 kids...all under 10 is addicted to perscription drugs. she is a mess. does everything bad...neglects her kids, does drugs all day long, fights with her husband (about her drug use), and is just in a really bad place. you know how they show the video of her during the day on that show to show the audience what her day is like, right? well...she is just a mess. and then she has an affair with some guy...could be a dealer, who knows?

the husband gives her an ultimatum with the help of dr phil to get her life together by first going to rehab. this is a life or death situation now because the drugs are killing her.

her husband is devastated that she cheated on him....and that she is an addict and he's got all these kids.

so, she desparately wants to get help too..and from the studio set, she goes to rehab to get clean.

i dont think the drugs made her cheat on her husband...but she is all messed up. yes, she needs to be accountable for her actions...and deal with that with her husband....but first and foremost she needs to get clean. her husband loves her. he wants to keep the family together. they both do.

as i mentioned...there are some people who do drugs everyday and dont cheat...but like i said before, what else are they doing? i know it isnt good. it is probably something really horrible...just not cheating. they have to be accountable for all of that bad behavior. just like that lady on dr phil has to be accountable for being a horrific mom to her kids...almost hurting them, destroying her family, destroying her marriage, and yes, of course cheating. no passes.

did i mention that the lady from rehab who got her baby addicted to heroin while pregnant.....actually got pregnant by a married man? and he already had a family. when she lost custody...the baby went to HIS parents....now talk about a crazy situation. she made some bad decisions while active...bad, bad, bad.

from these meetings...honestly....i just havent met a drug addict who gets high everyday and makes good decisions. just like the addcits told me in group...while active...they will do one, some, or all of the following in some way...gauranteed: lie, steal, cheat, beat up people, manipulate, get in trouble with the law, hurt their families by doing unthinkable/unspeakable things, wreck cars, drain the bank accounts, hang with losers who do bad things, and yes **** around.

and you know what? the high functioning ones....like my husband...they are the worst. why? because they are masters at lying.

how in the world can you have a moral compass and snort coke everyday? that is what they said in rehab...and it really made sense!!
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Old 01-26-2013, 04:55 PM   #16 (permalink)
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"how in the world can you have a moral compass and snort coke everyday?"
Exactly! Drugs are just evil.

Good luck to you and your family Miller05! I applaud you.
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Old 01-26-2013, 06:14 PM   #17 (permalink)
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Makes sense about coke, it supposedly makes one, um, very interested in having sex (of course not all will be affected that way, but that's coke's reputation). If an addict is using without their partner around, and when high let's face it, caution is thrown to the wind

No excuses for it, but an explanation for it.
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Old 01-26-2013, 07:09 PM   #18 (permalink)
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I am not an addict/alcoholic or a cheater. However, when I was younger (college days) - my social activities mostly included drinking. Many of us woke up the next morning saying WTH??

I will not excuse my behavior, I will not use drinking as an excuse, there is never an excuse to be that drunk....however, I do think alcohol played a factor in some very dumb choices. I did a few things that I would never have done sober...including trying cocaine, kissing a hot guy although I was in a serious relationship, driving recklessly and being pulled over (No DUI, thank God), walking home alone drunk and mad at my BF in a very dangerous area, (a girl was raped and murdered in the same area the following week), etc. I got "lucky" and never paid any real serious price for my stupidity. I was also "lucky" because I never had any addiction issues unlike some of the friends I "partied" with back then.
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Old 01-27-2013, 12:48 AM   #19 (permalink)
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the high functioning ones....like my husband...they are the worst. why? because they are masters at lying.

how in the world can you have a moral compass and snort coke everyday? that is what they said in rehab...and it really made sense!!
You put it perfectly!!!!!!! This is why H (not my husband) pulled me along for so many years.... and caught many other people in his web of lies.... he is also what you would call 'high flying'. He is financially very successful, so always beautiful dressed, the 'high flying' cars, the house, the watch blah blah - he can walk the talk to to speak. So no 'ugly stuff' like stealing etc to buy his DOC.... so all looks 'clean' on the surface.... but oh my G*D when I think of what I know now - how is has treated people, friends, family - far more filthy then stealing... stealing would make him look good! It is shocking! And the frightening thing, with each relapse, he isn't necessarily using more drugs or drinking more - in fact with this last relapse I found it hard to believe he was using anything - but his MENTAl decline - SHOCKING!!!! He is totally out of touch with reality. It is a frighteningly progressive disease...
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Old 01-27-2013, 02:07 AM   #20 (permalink)
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Lara- I am both an addict and a wayward spouse. What has your husband do e since the discovery day? You should check out survivinginfidelity.com - very helpful to me a d my wife. We are currently in limbo, and I'm working on improving myself.
You should get that man into individual counseling and try to get all of the truth out of him. Such a weight was lifted when I copped to everything I was doing wrong. Mind you it takes time to break the lying habits, but there is hope for you if that's what you two want.
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