Cheating and cocaine addiction
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,618
ok well I have cheated before so I just have to chime in. 
I was in a relationship with an alcoholic that I was unhappy in (how you can be happy with someone not in recovery is beyond me) anyways. I tried breaking up with him and I got sick of the begging me to stay all the time and always going back. Therefore I cheated with someone far more handsome and desirable than him and went home that night. I was counting on it being a deal breaker and him letting me go. He didn't let go and "forgave" me because it was his fault. He hooked me back i easily but nothing changed for the better, I grew lonely and resentful towards his neglect, and before I knew it I was in an affair that lasted 3 years and with his best friend since the fourth grade. what were my motives, hoping that when the affair had outlived its usefulness or if I got caught it would be the dealrbreaker. I lost many friends because of his addiction, and I was out for revenge. It worked. all of this was years ago, and now I have this boo whom I love deeply and my love won't allow me to cheat.
I was in a relationship with an alcoholic that I was unhappy in (how you can be happy with someone not in recovery is beyond me) anyways. I tried breaking up with him and I got sick of the begging me to stay all the time and always going back. Therefore I cheated with someone far more handsome and desirable than him and went home that night. I was counting on it being a deal breaker and him letting me go. He didn't let go and "forgave" me because it was his fault. He hooked me back i easily but nothing changed for the better, I grew lonely and resentful towards his neglect, and before I knew it I was in an affair that lasted 3 years and with his best friend since the fourth grade. what were my motives, hoping that when the affair had outlived its usefulness or if I got caught it would be the dealrbreaker. I lost many friends because of his addiction, and I was out for revenge. It worked. all of this was years ago, and now I have this boo whom I love deeply and my love won't allow me to cheat.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 165
i think it would have been an entirely different story if my husband were not willing to do "whatever it takes" to reconcile the marriage. that included REHAB number one...becasue like i said before...."what kind of a moral compass can you have if you snort coke everyday?" it is all bad....everything associated with that "lifestyle"....so, the addiction issue needs to be addressed. again, not an excuse for cheating...but people coked up all the time are not making smart decisions...cheating or not, you know?
and then there is the cheating...damn. what is he willing to do to repair that damage. is he regretful, or remorseful. is it all about him? or is it all about helping you heal...and if so, what is he going to do? reconciliation is hard with cheating...throw a coke addiction in there...and omg.
but, i see a lot of life changes in my husband. i never thought i would see it. so that gives me hope.
he has put me and this family through hell....but as long as he is doing "whatever it takes" to stay clean, and be committed to the marriage, i'm in.
lara.....i have read all your posts and it is all bad. i get it. but if someday, you decide that you want your husband back, and he gets clean....i mean really clean....and wants to make amends for cheating on you....then do what you think is right for you and your family. think with your brain and not your heart, you know?
dont let me or anyone on this site influence that decision. especially when it comes to whether or not you stay married or not. it is a personal decision that only you can make for your family. period. everyone's situation is different. anyone who tells you.."well if my man cheated on me, i would be gone, or if my man did drugs, i would be gone"....has no idea who you are or what you or your family is about. we all have said that...until it happens to us personally. i know!! lol!
that is one thing i learned in the family rehab, and in counseling. you know?
and then there is the cheating...damn. what is he willing to do to repair that damage. is he regretful, or remorseful. is it all about him? or is it all about helping you heal...and if so, what is he going to do? reconciliation is hard with cheating...throw a coke addiction in there...and omg.
but, i see a lot of life changes in my husband. i never thought i would see it. so that gives me hope.
he has put me and this family through hell....but as long as he is doing "whatever it takes" to stay clean, and be committed to the marriage, i'm in.
lara.....i have read all your posts and it is all bad. i get it. but if someday, you decide that you want your husband back, and he gets clean....i mean really clean....and wants to make amends for cheating on you....then do what you think is right for you and your family. think with your brain and not your heart, you know?
dont let me or anyone on this site influence that decision. especially when it comes to whether or not you stay married or not. it is a personal decision that only you can make for your family. period. everyone's situation is different. anyone who tells you.."well if my man cheated on me, i would be gone, or if my man did drugs, i would be gone"....has no idea who you are or what you or your family is about. we all have said that...until it happens to us personally. i know!! lol!
that is one thing i learned in the family rehab, and in counseling. you know?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 168
Lara, I have been reading your posts as well. My heart goes out to you. Miller05 is right let the decision be yours and yours only. Because only we know in our hearts what best and what we want but sometimes the heart can just lead us back to heartbreaks, so it is wise to think with your mind as well. No one deserves to be cheated on and taken for granted. I only have 16 months invested in my relationship not sure about you but I am not married to him nor do I have kids with him so my decision will be diffrent. I wish you the best and will keep you in my pray. Sending love...N.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 77
As a person who is in active addiction and lying about it/hiding it from my bf of over 2 years... I can say it in no way is excusable. I use cocaine and work in a strip club if all places where I'm hit on constantly and am given ample opportunity and KNOW it would never get out. I've never even come close to being unfaithful. I think if you love someone it should hurt you to hurt them that way and I could never do that. And if I ever did, the onus would be on me not the drugs. At the end if the day, I don't look forward to telling my bf what I've been up to with the drugs but I thank god I've never been stupid enough to cheat on him on top of it!
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Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 1
Originally Posted by Miller05 
i ask myself this question all the time. and i am thankful for you posting it and grateful that so many responded with good insight.
my husband is addicted to coke/alcohol....he cheated on me...and did horrible things. he is in rehab...and we are reconciling our marriage...one day at a time. yes, it was all bad...the lies, the betrayal...and just learning that my husband has a drug addiction was/is still overwhelming at times. and that he was an addict for so long.
but we are committed.
i will say this though. i dont think i would have gotten this far had i not gone to the family rehab meetings. really. i have learned so much about his addiction....i mean, he has been using off and on for several years...and i had no idea.
but see, in these groups....i hear from the patients and their families...and it is all bad. i mean everyone in my husband's group has done awful things...just awful. this one woman was using heroin the whole she was pregnant...and her baby was born addicted. she lost custody and is now trying to get him back. this woman has changed her life around...and feel horrible about all of her horrible mistakes. i mean...can you imagine...being the cause of your newborn addicted to drugs? well, the fact that she is an addict is no excuse right? i mean...it just isnt. she knew what she was doing, right? she is accountable, right? same thing with this other guy in the meeting who stole from his family...ran up the amex cards for drugs...and they lost everything. i mean...there is no excuse for that either, right? he new what he was doing? how could he cheat, steal, and beat up his dad like that?
well...what i have come to realize is that it is all bad. i mean...i just dont think you can expect the best behavior from someone who is doing coke everyday. sure, i know that there are some people who were not cheating while doing drugs everyday...or active in their addiction...but what else were they doing? sleeping with their dealer? stealing? lying about everything else? hurting their kids? i mean this is the type of stuff that is coming up in rehab that i hear about. it is all bad.
so, yes, cheating sucks. believe me. i know first hand. i am not making any excuses for my husband. he was a cheater, and he is an addict. 2 separate issues. but at the same time, he was doing a lot of other horrible things in addition to cheating on me while he was doing drugs. since he has been in recovery....i see him making incredible changes to improve his life. he doesnt get a pass for cheating because he was on drugs..and now getting help. no. he has to answer for that...and is taking the steps needed to reestablish trust...and be accountable. just like all the drug addicts who stole, hurt their families, wrecked cars, beat their loved ones...you name it...they have to be accountable for all of that other horrible behavior they did when doing drugs.
no passes.
and you know...i used to be the type of person who said..."if my man ever cheated on me...i would be gone!" i said that all the time..and really believed it! that was my boundary for sure!! and then i got married....and have been married for a long time...and had a child. well....its different now. i have a family. he cheated and has a drug addiction. it is not so easy to walk away...and think like i used to. sure, i wish sometimes it was easy..but it is not. and i think it is a completely different story when the person who cheated/addict wants to do whatever it takes to save the marriage. completely different ballgame. so, when i hear people say..."they would be gone!" i think to myself...yeah...i use to think like that too...but now the questions I ask are... "how old are you? are ya married? for how long? got kids? does he want to reconcile? does he want to get help?"
again...no passes....
sorry for the ramble! lol
my husband is addicted to coke/alcohol....he cheated on me...and did horrible things. he is in rehab...and we are reconciling our marriage...one day at a time. yes, it was all bad...the lies, the betrayal...and just learning that my husband has a drug addiction was/is still overwhelming at times. and that he was an addict for so long.
but we are committed.
i will say this though. i dont think i would have gotten this far had i not gone to the family rehab meetings. really. i have learned so much about his addiction....i mean, he has been using off and on for several years...and i had no idea.
but see, in these groups....i hear from the patients and their families...and it is all bad. i mean everyone in my husband's group has done awful things...just awful. this one woman was using heroin the whole she was pregnant...and her baby was born addicted. she lost custody and is now trying to get him back. this woman has changed her life around...and feel horrible about all of her horrible mistakes. i mean...can you imagine...being the cause of your newborn addicted to drugs? well, the fact that she is an addict is no excuse right? i mean...it just isnt. she knew what she was doing, right? she is accountable, right? same thing with this other guy in the meeting who stole from his family...ran up the amex cards for drugs...and they lost everything. i mean...there is no excuse for that either, right? he new what he was doing? how could he cheat, steal, and beat up his dad like that?
well...what i have come to realize is that it is all bad. i mean...i just dont think you can expect the best behavior from someone who is doing coke everyday. sure, i know that there are some people who were not cheating while doing drugs everyday...or active in their addiction...but what else were they doing? sleeping with their dealer? stealing? lying about everything else? hurting their kids? i mean this is the type of stuff that is coming up in rehab that i hear about. it is all bad.
so, yes, cheating sucks. believe me. i know first hand. i am not making any excuses for my husband. he was a cheater, and he is an addict. 2 separate issues. but at the same time, he was doing a lot of other horrible things in addition to cheating on me while he was doing drugs. since he has been in recovery....i see him making incredible changes to improve his life. he doesnt get a pass for cheating because he was on drugs..and now getting help. no. he has to answer for that...and is taking the steps needed to reestablish trust...and be accountable. just like all the drug addicts who stole, hurt their families, wrecked cars, beat their loved ones...you name it...they have to be accountable for all of that other horrible behavior they did when doing drugs.
no passes.
and you know...i used to be the type of person who said..."if my man ever cheated on me...i would be gone!" i said that all the time..and really believed it! that was my boundary for sure!! and then i got married....and have been married for a long time...and had a child. well....its different now. i have a family. he cheated and has a drug addiction. it is not so easy to walk away...and think like i used to. sure, i wish sometimes it was easy..but it is not. and i think it is a completely different story when the person who cheated/addict wants to do whatever it takes to save the marriage. completely different ballgame. so, when i hear people say..."they would be gone!" i think to myself...yeah...i use to think like that too...but now the questions I ask are... "how old are you? are ya married? for how long? got kids? does he want to reconcile? does he want to get help?"
again...no passes....
sorry for the ramble! lol
I've just come across your post. I know it was a few years back and I'm wondering how things went for you.
You are one of few people who don't say 'get rid'. Sadly, I have separated from my husband because after 15 years together, I have just found out that he is a frequent cocaine user and has cheated. There have been many lies and it's torn our family apart. We have two children and I am devastated. I tried the 'go' approach but he seems so low and has talked about suicide. I miss him like mad and I just don't know what to do for the best.
Sorry for the depressing story. I just wondered how things went for you because I know that trying to help somebody that has betrayed you can be soul destroying.
I hope I get to hear from you.
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