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|01-30-2012, 10:04 AM||#1 (permalink)|
Join Date: Jan 2012
drug addict boyfriend just broke up with me
My drug addict boyfriend broke up with me yet again after against my better judgement, I let him in again. I still loved him and so I took a chance. It is a long story with painful details. In a lot of ways it is the same story as many others but nonetheless I will share.
I am a beautiful, intelligent, successful 30 year old woman who has allowed another person to bring me down for the sake of dare I say, love. I now understand that I had to heal my own wounds from being an ACOA through this relationship and previous boyfriends as well. But I want to be done with this pattern of codependency and that is why I am posting as well as to understand more about his behavior. I am sick of pretending I can do it on my own because I am so "strong and independent" which my ex loves and hates by the way.
I fell in love with him 2 years ago and knew about his drug and criminal history from the start. It seemed to me like it was in his past but I admit that I think I knew deep down what I was in for. He was charming, intelligent, funny, charismatic, romantic and in love with me. So I believed.
After a few months of dating, we had our first fight. Something I said triggered him to snap. I could not see it for what it was for a long time because it was subtle at first. After sometime I realized that I was in an emotionally abusive relationship and with a recovering drug addict only months off of heroin. Throughout his adolescence and early adulthood he has done every drug under the sun. That being said he has had many successes in life and he is loved by many although he cannot see that. Recovering addict is a term I use lightly, since he was using marijuana regularly and alcohol at times and very occasionally pills until this day. I will spare you the details because I don't know if they are relevant.
Then it was lying...then cheating... then it was more lying... then relapse. I denied for 2 months what was right in front of my eyes. He withdrew in every way. I thought he was cheating on me. Finally, I put all of the signs together and realized he was using again. I did not know what it was but I feared the worst. He finally told me that he was injecting heroin again after I told him how worried I was about him. That was over a year ago.
There the cycle began (or continued). I stayed and tried to help. I left the house. I came back and tried to help again. A few more times of this cycle and then I moved out. I was in my own state of shock and still enabling him. Letting him use my car, helping him get food, maintaining the household, hearing his stories, watching him kill himself.
Finally I got the courage to leave the state and then the country to carry out our original plan to work overseas. Before I left, I took him to detox and that was the last time I saw him before I left. We maintained on again off again communication while I was gone. Although I had tried to move on and even tried dating someone else for a short period before I left overseas, I realized it was too soon and I was still in love with him.
Fast forward to a few months ago when I returned home. I hesitated to see him and did not even tell him I was coming home because I knew I would get too attached if I saw him again. I decided to wait but he found out I was home and came to see me.
He lives in a different state now so it was only temporary. Again it was great at first and then he started treating me poorly and I became suspicious of him lying or cheating or using or a combination of all of them. In other words, the trust was clearly broken and I wanted to fix it and move forward. He said he did but did not follow through. After he left to go back home for work he distanced himself from me. And after a rollercoaster of arguments he said he did not care about me anymore and that he wanted me to move on. He blamed everything on me and accused me of having several other boyfriends and lying to him because I would not be his friend on facebook. What he still cannot hear to this day is that I had nothing to hide but I did not want to be friends until he could really learn to be my friend let alone boyfriend.
Again, there are so many details to this story. This story has left me at times feeling like I will be fine and other times like I will never find love again after such abuse. I am doing things to take care of myself but I feel like this man has died and been reborn so many times and has used me and taken me for granted. Of course I wonder if he loves me and cares about me. I know I put myself in this situation again and it hurts like hell. I want it to go away but I am sensitive and things hit me deep. It is affecting my work and other relationships. I really want to pull my head out of my you know what and move on.
I have so many unanswered questions. Is he using heroin again? Is he drinking himself to death? Is he suicidal or depressed? Is he using this all as an excuse because he wants to be with another woman or women? Should I even care? Will I stop caring? How do you stop obsessing? Why does he not write or call?
It is also sad because he invited me to come visit for valentines day just a week ago and then pulled out the rug from underneath me again. I do understand that I am likely better off without and he needs to focus on recovery
That is where I am at presently and so desperately am praying for guidance.
Until then I will keep praying and suggestions and feedback are most welcome.
Hold tight...Let go light...
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|01-30-2012, 10:19 AM||#2 (permalink)|
Engineer, Guitarist, Golfer
I'm fairly new as well. And, unfortunately, I can empathize with your story, as my ex AGF just dumped me 3 weeks ago for another addict and admited to cheating on me with at least two men.
What's important now is being able to decouple his stuff from your stuff. He has to take ownership of his behavior, and based on my recent experiences, addicts have difficulty doing that. In other words, his behavior is a reflection of him and not you.
If you have not already done so, I would suggest finding your local Al Anon/Nar Anon meeting list and attend. You are not alone. Yes, the pain is awful and, at times, all encompassing. But you're going to be OK. Trust me on this. Be good to yourself, take care of yourself, and protect yourself.
|01-30-2012, 12:47 PM||#3 (permalink)|
Join Date: Feb 2008
Welcome to SR, blackandblue!
I too qualify for ACOA and understand. I have had a long string of dysfunctional relationships, including an abusive ex-husband (now deceased). I finally hit my codependent bottom in 1995 when my then fiance walked out on me. I know now that he was a dry drunk. I was a "fixer" in my relationships.
As Zoso suggested, Alanon is a wonderful source of support. There you will find face-to-face support among those who understand and have been there.
Get your hands on a copy of "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. It was a real eye-opener to the patterns I had for years. You can get a used copy pretty cheap through Amazon.
There are a lot of great "sticky" topics at the top of this forum. Read them and educate yourself on addiction.
Again, welcome, and know that you are among friends.
DeVon & the Zoo Crew
An error doesn't become a mistake until you refuse to correct it.
--Orlando A. Battista
|01-30-2012, 01:01 PM||#4 (permalink)|
Join Date: Jan 2012
Thank you. And my condolences about your ex. It is hard for an addict to face their own shortcomings with you in a relationship after they have done so much damage. It is easy for them to turn you into the enemy and find someone else to fill their void. I am learning this lesson the hard way and hopefully we can both put an end to this pattern and realize we deserve true love. I have spent time with my good friends and family since the break up. I am holding off on romantic relationships so that I can focus on my recovery as a codependent. I want to empty this baggage so I can be open minded and less jaded. Right now, I am so mad at myself for giving him another chance.
I think I will find a meeting this week. I am also in the middle of other life transitions and it is overwhelming just to put one foot in front of the other at the moment. I feel it is hard to make sound decisions until I can see clearly again and get out of this nauseating funk. I want the truth and I may never get the whole truth from him. I really am at a loss for why he cut off communication even though it is for the best. I think about it too much, whether he may be using and/or with other women and/or neither and he is just done with me. I know it is not my business but knowing would help me move on. I think the reason the thought of him with another woman is so painful is because maybe he will change for her. Maybe he is already happy while I am miserable. I know that is not likely but wow the mind can play tricks on you. Of course I want him to be happy, I just hoped to a fault that it would be with me. I feel like trash now.
He says this has nothing to do with another woman but somehow I find that hard to believe. I think he realized the damage he had done with me and took the easy way out by blaming me and accusing me of having other boyfriends. Total delusion. It just hurts like hell that he cannot even face me and does not want to talk. Also, his words keep replaying in my head. He actually had the nerve to tell me that he has many options (meaning other women) but he cannot move on because I ridiculed him so much. Huh? I can admit that I have called him mean and told him that he is acting like a jerk at times. I have pointed out how his actions make me feel and especially from feelings of insecurity since trust was broken. And I was very upset when I found out he lied and cheated and continued to drink and smoke pot. I never once called him any of the horrible names he has called me of which I don't need to list because he covered all of them. I never even called him a drug addict or a junkie. I tried not to judge and at times he would call me self-righteous. Damned if you do, damned if you don't. The worst part is that I knew they were only words but I absorbed all of it.
A year ago, about 3 months after the 10th time he broke up with me, I tried dating a guy who was great for about a week and then realized it was too soon. Eventually he found out and I told him the truth. I did not tell him initially because we were broken up and it was not his business. I got back together with him and he resents me for not telling him sooner and lying to him about dating someone else. This is the main thing he holds over my head and says I am untrustworthy. I don't claim to be perfect but had he not lied, cheated, lied about cheating, relapsed I would have been the most faithful loving girlfriend. I just want him to own it so I can get it off my back and not feel like a horrible woman for trying to find happiness and peace.
I can't wait for some of the deeper healing to begin. Bring it...
|01-30-2012, 01:33 PM||#5 (permalink)|
Engineer, Guitarist, Golfer
In the case of my ex AGF, she's dual diagnosis -- Borderliner Personality Disorder and addiction. And I seriously underestimated the severity of how sick she was. Blaming others or not taking ownership of their behavior is symptomatic of the illness. At the end of the day, an active addict (and, in my case, the Borderline) is incapable of empathy. Go and read the sticky note "What Addicts Do". Reading that snapped my head back because I knew Jon, the original author of that post, was dead on.
For me, that piece of knowledge is crucial because it depersonalizes it. It's not about me. It's about my ex. It's about your ex. So now, you've got a chance to heal. Just like me. Just like a lot of people on this board. Read the posts; you're not alone.
|01-30-2012, 02:14 PM||#6 (permalink)|
Join Date: Jan 2012
I have had a feeling that he is Borderline as well. Wow, talk about a reality check. I guess I have compensated for his lack of empathy this whole time. I will keep reading and posting and thanks for all of the suggestions. I have been doing yoga daily and spending time with friends. I let my life get a little out of control the past 2 years. Gonna take it back now!!!
|01-30-2012, 03:13 PM||#7 (permalink)|
Join Date: Jan 2012
Thanks anvilhead and zoso. Needed to hear this. RED FLAG after RED FLAG. Need to find my WHITE FLAG now. I am so thankful for SR and this community. I can breathe a little deeper now. Going to yoga and meditation daily which has been pretty powerful and I will go to a meeting tomorrow. I realized my whole life was getting messed up with him. My future career as a doctor, my finances, and probably family and friend relationships as well. Time to put my focus elsewhere. I think writing in these forums has been some of the most powerful therapy so far. That being said, I think it is time for therapy. I don't really have the finances but I would like to make it work for my sanity and future. Wow, I just realized all I am doing for my own recovery as a codependent while he is doing nothing. Huh. Wake up call...this is awesome! Just would love the sleepless nights and depressed moments to end NOW.
|01-30-2012, 03:56 PM||#8 (permalink)|
Join Date: Nov 2011
|01-30-2012, 04:38 PM||#9 (permalink)|
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Last house on the block.
If you think you are going to change him you might as well beat your head against the wall and you will get the same result. As an addict I had to lose it all before I was willing to change. Give yourself a break and do what is good for you. Kick him to the curb and learn how to make better choices. Hope this helps. Love and Respect. logo
The Message Is Hope. The Promise Is Freedom...........When the power of love overcomes the love of power then the world will truly know peace.. Jimi Hendrix.
|01-31-2012, 12:58 AM||#10 (permalink)|
Join Date: Jan 2012
Thanks logo! This helps a lot. I tried to convince myself I was not in it to change him. Now I see that it may have been a sense of responsibility for him which makes me his mother. That is the same thing. I wanted him to change and I held on to a fairy tale that love would prevail so he would say. What he meant is that our mutual addiction would prevail. Think it's time to stop worrying about whether he loved me and start worrying why I stopped loving myself. Can I still pray for him from a distance? Should I have a funeral for him in my heart? Or is that still too much attachment. If he contacts me in any way I ignore him forever? My guess is this will take time to stop asking questions. Thanks again for all feedback. I think I have some soul searching and self worth repairing to do. Goodnight...
|01-31-2012, 07:36 AM||#11 (permalink)|
work in progress
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: the sunshine state
"I just want him to own it so I can get it off my back and not feel like a horrible woman for trying to find happiness and peace."
You're here... and that's a step to finding your own happiness and peace.
You're doing great... take baby steps, and stay here. LOTS of ES&H from people who have been and still are finding their way out of the chaos.
SR was and still is my saving grace.
I hit my emotional bottom in July, 2009.
Stayed with my XAH for 10 years (opiate addict)
Before that, 2 other addict Boyfriends (one was physically abusive)
and the daughter of an alcoholic father.
I had had ENOUGH of being me.
ANd I couldn't take ONE MORE DAY of living in the chaos.
I finally knew I was the one with the problem.
Never saw it that way before, always pulled the "victim/martyr" card.
Now I know better.
Glad you're with us.
"Dear God...please keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth. Amen."
|01-31-2012, 08:00 AM||#12 (permalink)|
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Washington State
Blog Entries: 3
You have a lot of questions about your relationship with this man. But if you had all of the answers, what would you do with the information? The answers don't really help. And they don't bring closure. They just bring more questions.
It always amazes me how many bright and beautiful people are here on SR staying with or agonizing over people who make them so very miserable. Hoping and praying for change to happen in that other person. Fearing that the change will happen after the relationship ends.
I'm so glad to hear that you are going to check out some meetings and look into counseling. Taking care of you is what you have control of......
|01-31-2012, 08:20 AM||#13 (permalink)|
Engineer, Guitarist, Golfer
In my case, I have no love for my ex AGF. But I still pray to God that she's safe and that He protects her. And I do that every night before I go to sleep. When we show compassion towards others, that has the additional benefit of healing us. That doesn't mean we have to agree or approve of what they did. All it means is your ex, just like mine, is a fellow traveller that is, unfortunately, very sick.
And you know what? It does make a difference.
|01-31-2012, 12:26 PM||#14 (permalink)|
Join Date: Feb 2009
Blog Entries: 8
this certainly is a lot to tackle and process and move forward with all at once. i just want to reiterate a few things since i was in a similar situation, waaay longer than i needed to be. i never judged my gf and did nothing but love her and support her, and in turn enable her. in my head, i saw she had problems and i thought i could stand by and stay as the anchor in our relationship for when she got better.
we had break ups or she would disappear and i would do all the worrying, thinking, and wondering. month after month. after over a year, she still has not fully embraced recovery, but seems to have taken steps more out of necessity than will. in addition,as with zoso's egf, there are also personality issues at play. lie, cheat, sneaky.
before i ramble, what i mean to say is you really should consider yourself lucky. as bad as you think it was, if the relationship did not end, it would have gotten worse. there is always a worse that it is brought to.
they are addicts and until they turn their life around we are their hostage if we allow it to continue. my egf had only been off drugs for a couple weeks, but then anxiety and other issues began to surface and she began to act out in her pre-hard-drug manner which was through seduction. i could see it.
that was a light bulb moment. so yes, you can pray for him. you can pray for anything you want, but you may want to slip a prayer in that he does not contact you for a ling while. you may never know the truth about what is going on in his head, but as several people pointed out- take the drugs out of the equation- do you like his behavior? is this the relationship you want?
i kept hoping for a while that my xgf would leave me because i didnt have the will to do it. even that wasnt enough. the real test has been to go no contact or at least very limited contact.
so i guess i just took the long way of saying, stay your course and do not let ant manipulation suck you back in- it will happen, whether he is hanging with another girl now or not. you can have a life free of drama and be able to give and receive the love you desire.
|01-31-2012, 03:24 PM||#15 (permalink)|
Join Date: Jan 2012
No contact for one week now. It's weird and liberating. He now only has one way to contact me and that is by phone. I really do not think he will call (although everyone is saying different on this thread) but maybe I should block his number just in case. I am starting to accept that this is over for good regardless of what he says or does in the future. I honestly don't even think I want to know how or what he is doing ever again. Not out of spite but out of self-preservation. I already gave him too much of my power. All I can do is send him my prayers because the rumination will just make me sick.
What did I see in him? He had many of the romantic qualities that I would want in a partner. Powerful chemistry is dangerous with the wrong person. We are on opposite paths. He is also a hard-worker, motivated, driven, and intelligent. But he does not possess honest, caring, compassionate, kind, and unselfish qualities I would want in a partner. Quite frankly, he comes off as being kind to strangers (as in when we first met) but underneath he is filled with angst and hatred and his mood can snap on a dime. I always felt he was annoyed with me. That is not a great feeling from someone who supposedly loves you. Which pretty well rules out a family with someone like him without serious long term help.
I really don't think I know him sober or clean. He has never stopped smoking pot on a daily basis and drinks frequently now that he is off of heroin x 10 months. I do not want to date an addict again in recovery or not, of course there are exceptions. I think with my past it is a sensitive issue and I want a sober and clean and non-codependent lifestyle for myself. I refuse to be a victim/martyr anymore!
I feel this is just the beginning of finding my freedom. So grateful to SR, all of these posts, my yoga practice, my music, and my dear family and friends that are so supportive.
Until then I am grieving and still fighting for my sanity and working on self-love...
|01-31-2012, 06:38 PM||#16 (permalink)|
Join Date: Nov 2011
Letting go is a grief process and usually goes in cycles...as in there may be a feeling of relief, then pain, then wondering, then shoulda-woulda-coulda bargaining...then relief, then crying. It's not crazy, it's grief. In the case of a break up for reasons of addiction and abuse there is going to be very very fertile ground for you to learn from. With some time you will find that your tears are nurturing your inner garden. Time will be your friend. Reach out. Take nice baths. Yoga. Walks. Yes.
As for your ex...you can pretty much absolutely be sure that he is NOT in recovery. If he had his foot in a recovery door he would not be treating you this way. You don't have to waste time wondering if he is getting into recovery. If in the future he does you will know because he will want to make amends. If he comes to make amends it will not be him saying he is sorry so that he can get back together with you. Amends are about action...not saying your sorry.
If by some chance in he!! he is in another relationship it is sure to be unhealthy because he is not in recovery. And people who try recovery and do so for another person almost always fail. One has to do it for oneself. It's an inside job. The love of or for another person is not the healing catalyst...it is between each of us and our inner and higher power of love.
Whether we are addicts or codies or both...the message is that you must learn to love yourself. Sometimes we project our needs and wants and deep yearnings on to other people...hoping they will fill the hole in our heart and soul. But what we all are here to learn is that we can only really have a healthy loving relationship when each person has learned to love themself...then, and only then, can you really love someone else. And then you will KNOW if they love you too, because they will take loving care of your heart...they won't abuse it.
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|02-01-2012, 02:44 AM||#18 (permalink)|
Join Date: Jan 2012
You deserve a happy and healthy life. You sound lovely. Concentrate on yourself and focus on the things which nurture YOU. Take control of your life and don't contact him. Easier said than done, I'm sure. A huge hug to you and stay strong.
I'm new here too and am on a steep learning curve with regards to stepping away from a situation.
|02-01-2012, 06:14 AM||#20 (permalink)|
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Another Earth
Hi blackandblue, I am going through a similar situation as far as my ex RABF breaking up with me. I can tell you this - any time I have taken any of his calls it inevitably turns into unhealthy dialogue. I have him blocked from calling or texting me but he still calls my work. I now gently hang up the phone. In my case, after 7 years of holding me hostage (ha ha), he thought he found someone else in AA who "understands" him. Sure she does...lol. Meanwhile he kept trying to hang on to me. Well, something must have gone awry because now he is trying to really turn up the flame. I feel I have come too far in the last month or so to turn back now. It is hard but if you really want to make that break, I would say do not talk with him.
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