Thank you. And my condolences about your ex. It is hard for an addict to face their own shortcomings with you in a relationship after they have done so much damage. It is easy for them to turn you into the enemy and find someone else to fill their void. I am learning this lesson the hard way and hopefully we can both put an end to this pattern and realize we deserve true love. I have spent time with my good friends and family since the break up. I am holding off on romantic relationships so that I can focus on my recovery as a codependent. I want to empty this baggage so I can be open minded and less jaded. Right now, I am so mad at myself for giving him another chance.
I think I will find a meeting this week. I am also in the middle of other life transitions and it is overwhelming just to put one foot in front of the other at the moment. I feel it is hard to make sound decisions until I can see clearly again and get out of this nauseating funk. I want the truth and I may never get the whole truth from him. I really am at a loss for why he cut off communication even though it is for the best. I think about it too much, whether he may be using and/or with other women and/or neither and he is just done with me. I know it is not my business but knowing would help me move on. I think the reason the thought of him with another woman is so painful is because maybe he will change for her. Maybe he is already happy while I am miserable. I know that is not likely but wow the mind can play tricks on you. Of course I want him to be happy, I just hoped to a fault that it would be with me. I feel like trash now.
He says this has nothing to do with another woman but somehow I find that hard to believe. I think he realized the damage he had done with me and took the easy way out by blaming me and accusing me of having other boyfriends. Total delusion. It just hurts like hell that he cannot even face me and does not want to talk. Also, his words keep replaying in my head. He actually had the nerve to tell me that he has many options (meaning other women) but he cannot move on because I ridiculed him so much. Huh? I can admit that I have called him mean and told him that he is acting like a jerk at times. I have pointed out how his actions make me feel and especially from feelings of insecurity since trust was broken. And I was very upset when I found out he lied and cheated and continued to drink and smoke pot. I never once called him any of the horrible names he has called me of which I don't need to list because he covered all of them. I never even called him a drug addict or a junkie. I tried not to judge and at times he would call me self-righteous. Damned if you do, damned if you don't. The worst part is that I knew they were only words but I absorbed all of it.
A year ago, about 3 months after the 10th time he broke up with me, I tried dating a guy who was great for about a week and then realized it was too soon. Eventually he found out and I told him the truth. I did not tell him initially because we were broken up and it was not his business. I got back together with him and he resents me for not telling him sooner and lying to him about dating someone else. This is the main thing he holds over my head and says I am untrustworthy. I don't claim to be perfect but had he not lied, cheated, lied about cheating, relapsed I would have been the most faithful loving girlfriend. I just want him to own it so I can get it off my back and not feel like a horrible woman for trying to find happiness and peace.
I can't wait for some of the deeper healing to begin. Bring it...