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Old 04-21-2009, 06:23 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Question How can you live with an addict and accept it?

My husband refuses to quit his drugs even though he knows I will never live with him again as long as he is using.Our daughters will not even talk to him.I have told him if he gets help I will be there for him but not until he starts.I called a drug counselling centre and he met me there,the counsellor told me I have a co dependency problem and that I should get into this program for co -dependency issues.I can not live with a liar how does anyone else?:wtf2
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Old 04-21-2009, 07:00 PM   #2 (permalink)
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((Katie)) - Personally, I can't live with a liar. I am a recovering crack addict and a recovering codie (codependent). When I was using and with my bf, who also used crack, he lied all the time. I put up with it, because of the crack. Now that I'm clean and working on my codie issues, I know that I don't want anyone in my life that doesn't value honesty as much as I do.

Working on my codepency issues is the best thing I've ever done.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy
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Old 04-21-2009, 07:04 PM   #3 (permalink)
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I read some posts on here where they said they just love them and accept the addict for who they are.I have to get myself away from my addict and can not accept who he is.Have to do it alone. I am just thankful that the youngest one is 14 and not 4.
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Old 04-21-2009, 07:24 PM   #4 (permalink)
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some people CAN do it, I'm just not one of them. It also makes a difference whether the addict is your partner or your child/parent, I think. My stepmom is an addict, and I live in the house with her and dad. I can't just leave so I have to detach from her, while physically being in the same house.

Some people can do that with their partners.

Hugs and prayers!

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Old 04-21-2009, 07:45 PM   #5 (permalink)
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I can't and won't live with an addict. End of story.
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Old 04-21-2009, 08:17 PM   #6 (permalink)
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My husband thinks I am no longer with him becuase he isn't making enough money...
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Old 04-21-2009, 08:31 PM   #7 (permalink)
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I read some posts on here where they said they just love them and accept the addict for who they are.I have to get myself away from my addict and can not accept who he is.Have to do it alone. I am just thankful that the youngest one is 14 and not 4.
hi hon, are you asking the question because you are trying a way to justify allowing him back in your home/life?

I am probably one of the people who live with their addict---- and I try to say I love him, and accept him for who he is. I do. HOWEVER, that dosen't mean that his behavior as a result of using pills, is ACCEPTABLE to me.

It's a constant inner-battle, that vacillating between, wanting to love and accept a man i 'love', and let the powers that be heal him if it were ment to be ----
And realizing that I yet, can not, tolerate the behavior that comes from pill addiction.

It for me, in the end, unless there is devine intervention (which i doubt) that makes him get sober,
that I will have to do as you - and have him out of my life.

It just dosen't work for me. It causes me tons of pain, and anger, and the feeling of being just plain old sad.

Unfortuantly,when he is gone, I feel the same---- and I don't have some of the 'good times'-- after all it isn't all bad over here. There is some substantial good.

It all comes down to a saying that a therapist once said to me, that I have posted before: "when the pain of staying is worse than the pain of leaving, you are ready to let go."

Guess we all have to get to that point.
Hug,
cess
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Old 04-21-2009, 08:38 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Detaching with love is one of our goals on our side of this. If you love them, then keep on loving them if that what you feel, but you can do this from a distance. You don't have to be all enmeshed in their lives and the drama, or even have contact with someone to just simply love them.
whew, that is a hard one. A very, very hard one. I could see that if your addict was a child, or a parent, etc...

But to love your partner in life, your boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, wife, etc. "from a distacnce" would really be difficult.
It then becomes a 'different' type of love, and would imagine at that point you are basically 'done' with your relationship, but will 'always love you' kinda thing.
?
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Old 04-21-2009, 08:56 PM   #9 (permalink)
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I am learning how to cope without him.I have told him a thousand times to get help and I will be there for him..over and over again ...I keep on accepting his calls though and I feel like he has died,so when he calls me I doesn't feel as lost.My first husband died at the age of 20 when he was working and I was pregnant with our second child.This husband and I have been married for 25 years with 5 daughters.They know he is an addict and a liar.It is me wishing for him to be who he used to be.Now if only I could quit picking up the phone from my second "dead" husband.
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Old 04-22-2009, 06:55 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Meaning I think I am having a harder time getting over maybe then the norm
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Old 04-22-2009, 07:32 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Katie I so understand what you are saying. I have turned my back on my ex. He was my best friend. We shared a wonderful life together. I asked him to leave 6 months ago and stayed emmeshed for so many different reasons. We have a child together so I had to see him regularly.

When he went to treatment he got "better" but still continued in his addictive behaviors. Then relapse. At first I was ok with it. Then FEAR set in and I started going nuts.

Breaking up with, leaving, divorcing someone you love who is an addict is the hardest thing to do. IMHO. What is stuck in my head is that I didnt leave him because we didnt get along, he cheated, I found someone else, we grew apart, or any other reason. I left because of DRUGS. To me that problem is fixable. You know. So then I have a hard time leaving the relationship in my mind because its fixable.

So then you are stuck. I am moving forward a little each day. Sometimes I condemn myself because after all its just a break up. But its not in my mind.

The hardest thing I have ever had to do was to leave someone that you love and turn your back on them because your own life is unmangeable. And I left an abusive marriage years ago.

Just keep moving forward. I know its hard. but its possible.
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Old 04-22-2009, 04:44 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Dear Katie, No wonder it is hard you spent 25yrs together. Just tell him the truth, you can't & won't live with an addict. I truly find it hard to believe that anyone can. My 1st husband was a Compulsive Gambler & being with him brought out the worst in me. I had to leave for my own good. My 2 sons were 8 & 18months. Now they are 42 & 35!!!
I have been remarrired to a wonderful guy for 25yrs in Nov. I stayed by myself for 10yrs before I met him. My ex happened to call me for the 1st time in 30yrs. He went from gambling to drugs & only got clean when he was 58. He is now 64. I am so glad I got out when I did.
Good Luck, It is hard but you can do it with your HP's help.
Love,
Diane
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Old 04-22-2009, 05:07 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Life....good life is hard enough with daily trials and tribulations. Do you really want to be on a merry-go-round going nowhere for the rest of your life? I love my son with all my heart, miss him and think about him everyday, but can not have him in my life, because while he is in my life, I can barely exist and function. Same as you, I told him get clean or stay out of my life. It hurts, but not nearly as bad as watching and experiencing it every day. Hang tough and good luck. Time heals.
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Old 04-22-2009, 07:26 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Hi Katie.... I couldn't live with a liar any longer. I too was married for a ton of years (23+ to be exact). Comes a point where you have to decide what you want for your life. You can't control what others are doing and can't necessarily control what is happening in your life (I am still working on this thing... can you see it???) but you can decide how you are going to respond and what you will do to help you be the best you.

How do you live with an addict and or a liar? It is hell. BUT... fortunately or unfortunately, we all find ways to deny and or put up with what is happening in our lives. However, remember, the choice to deny or put up with the behavior is ours. Set limits and decide what you want for you. It may mean leaving or it may mean staying, but it means that you are doing what you can to live your best life.

For me... the lying never ended nor did the use and finally, I couldn't take it any more. I am lonely... not for my AH, I am sad... but at least I have the peace of not having to deal with him each and every day. Keep moving forward.
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Old 04-22-2009, 07:55 PM   #15 (permalink)
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My husband thinks I am no longer with him becuase he isn't making enough money...
What an addict thing to say. Shifting the blame for the problems in your relationship to YOU and YOUR decisions instead of focusing on what his problems are.

Thats why I can't live with an addict in my house. They don't take responsibility for themselves or their poor decisions. An active addict can't be a true partner in a relationship. Their only partner is the drugs. Everyone else is either helping them (use) or trying to stop them (from using). Its a no win situation for anyone but the addict.
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Old 04-22-2009, 09:29 PM   #16 (permalink)
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I feel like I am reliving my first husband's death.He was everything a great friend ,lover my best friend.He was a carpenter and died on the job 30 years ago,now with me actually really believing that I am leaving my second husband it seems like the pain of losing my first in in my head and heart again too.I wrote my husband a letter and told him if he quits I will help support him.But now here is the news I don't think I want him back even if he gets clean.My Higher Power is really helping me,he even came into my dreams the other night and looked like Tom Selleck.. Thank you all so much for your help and wisdom I think you are all my higher power too now
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Old 04-23-2009, 03:47 AM   #17 (permalink)
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Katie, I learned in Psych that when we do not fully mourn a major loss, when another major loss comes along it is twice as bad. Maybe when you lost your 1st husband you moved on before fully mourning his loss. Now when another major loss has hit you, it hits twice as hard. Plus it is bringing back memories of the loss of your 1st husband.
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Old 04-23-2009, 08:36 AM   #18 (permalink)
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This break up is making me relive my first husband's death too.I never got over him,when I met my second husband I was still grieving for him.The second husband was there for me then,he also became a Dad to my two children who were 4 and 2.I was extremely lonely and being able to have him there to share my life with seemed like such a Godsend but not long later I noticed his drinking out of control,threw him out twice within the first two years then I married him after..we became drinking buddies later.I had three relapses tried putting the drink down and succeeded.He switched addictions and does not see it that way.Today is a new day though and I will never allow and addict back here.He is missing out on his youngest two growing up,but when he was here he was missing out too .The children don't have to live with him and it anymore.They are healing and I think I am too..ever so slowly but I am
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Old 04-24-2009, 01:26 PM   #19 (permalink)
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Unhappy i do

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My husband refuses to quit his drugs even though he knows I will never live with him again as long as he is using.Our daughters will not even talk to him.I have told him if he gets help I will be there for him but not until he starts.I called a drug counselling centre and he met me there,the counsellor told me I have a co dependency problem and that I should get into this program for co -dependency issues.I can not live with a liar how does anyone else?:wtf2
i live with one for 29 years its not easy
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Old 04-25-2009, 06:41 AM   #20 (permalink)
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Unhappy live with it

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Originally Posted by katie89 View Post
My husband refuses to quit his drugs even though he knows I will never live with him again as long as he is using.Our daughters will not even talk to him.I have told him if he gets help I will be there for him but not until he starts.I called a drug counselling centre and he met me there,the counsellor told me I have a co dependency problem and that I should get into this program for co -dependency issues.I can not live with a liar how does anyone else?:wtf2
hi'i'm linda
new here, my husband is an addict, been living with it 29 years, had a stroke because of it, he has always gotten his way and everything he wants, i have to hide money out of the house or he finds it, forget hiding pills sniffs them out, just this month i started giving my daughterin law money to hold, bank acc in my name but he stole checks, so now i don't have any, he lies steals, i have let in all these years, my 2 daughterin laws are worried about me having another stroke thank god for them, i am starting to do for me and he does;nt like it, hes never going to hit rock bottom or stop, i love him. but hate what he is, we have good time but he can snap at any time and blams alote on me, everyone says leave him, but i tried before can't live with him or without him. get help don't be like me its realy not worth it,
linda
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