The crazy destruction addiction brings
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Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Pacific Northwest
Posts: 163
My AW has been to at least 5 different treatment programs. (I may be forgetting some) The one that kept her sober the longest was the court ordered treatment from her DWI. I had absolutely zero involvement in the program because at the time I was too mad at her. Every time I was involved in the program it was a failure. My advice is to back off and make him fend for himself. The rougher it is, the more inclined he may be to change his ways. Make it easy on him and the odds are very high that he will soon be an active A again.
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 216
I think that sometimes the veterans here have been down the same road a million times and know that the end result leads to a major car crash and just trying to prevent others from that crash. But, we need to understand that many of us codependents need to hit our Rock bottom.
I remember first coming to a forum like this when I was with my alcoholic/coke addicted ex bf. He got abusive a couple times. I came on hoping to hear someone tell me things that I wanted to hear so that I can get validation to keep staying in a dysfunctional, addicted relationship. I wanted to hear experiences of others that came out of it with their spouses on the positive end. I wanted to be that one in a million that beat statistics. My state of mind was "well he got abusive ONLY twice, it could be worse...., he doesn't do coke daily, ONLY on payday...he hasn't cheated on me (that I've known)....
We become ill ourselves. Just like how an addict will try to justify that it's okay to drink/do drugs. "It's not everyday...I still have everything under control...I'm not like the homeless guy on the street so therefore I am not an addict etc....
My gut and intuition always told me that I shouldn't be staying with him, but you ignore all that when you are in love. You want to give the benefits of the doubts. You end up putting up with stuff that would have once upon a time be a deal-breaker. I broke up and made up with my ex countless of times....until one time I hit my rock bottom.
Most of these veterans have hit their rock bottoms, gone through their 12 steps many times over. We must not forget that a person who hasn't even done step 1 can not perceive what a step 12 person perceives. Also we are codependents, giving advice and wanting others to follow through with our advice is our nature. Let's remember....Lots of love, understanding, warmth, empathy xoxo
I remember first coming to a forum like this when I was with my alcoholic/coke addicted ex bf. He got abusive a couple times. I came on hoping to hear someone tell me things that I wanted to hear so that I can get validation to keep staying in a dysfunctional, addicted relationship. I wanted to hear experiences of others that came out of it with their spouses on the positive end. I wanted to be that one in a million that beat statistics. My state of mind was "well he got abusive ONLY twice, it could be worse...., he doesn't do coke daily, ONLY on payday...he hasn't cheated on me (that I've known)....
We become ill ourselves. Just like how an addict will try to justify that it's okay to drink/do drugs. "It's not everyday...I still have everything under control...I'm not like the homeless guy on the street so therefore I am not an addict etc....
My gut and intuition always told me that I shouldn't be staying with him, but you ignore all that when you are in love. You want to give the benefits of the doubts. You end up putting up with stuff that would have once upon a time be a deal-breaker. I broke up and made up with my ex countless of times....until one time I hit my rock bottom.
Most of these veterans have hit their rock bottoms, gone through their 12 steps many times over. We must not forget that a person who hasn't even done step 1 can not perceive what a step 12 person perceives. Also we are codependents, giving advice and wanting others to follow through with our advice is our nature. Let's remember....Lots of love, understanding, warmth, empathy xoxo
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 844
I'm sure your trying to be helpful and using teachings from your own program to make a point here but your posts feel like you want me to be angry because he relapsed and he chose to. This is not my program ok. People relapse and I'm not angry at him about it.
Of course I'm angry at some of his behaviors. I'm angry at how evil addiction is and how it hurts people. I'm not into the blame game ok. This wasnt done to hurt me, and its not about me.
Yes to me your posts come off as arrogant. I'm happy for you and your family that you have11 years with no relapse. But the issue isnt he relapse itself its about getting this back under control and managed successfully once again. I'm not going to elaborate more because its not necessary to get into this whole idea of choice and blame and tough love opinions.
Of course I'm angry at some of his behaviors. I'm angry at how evil addiction is and how it hurts people. I'm not into the blame game ok. This wasnt done to hurt me, and its not about me.
Yes to me your posts come off as arrogant. I'm happy for you and your family that you have11 years with no relapse. But the issue isnt he relapse itself its about getting this back under control and managed successfully once again. I'm not going to elaborate more because its not necessary to get into this whole idea of choice and blame and tough love opinions.
Originally Posted by tomsteve 
nope, i m no better than he is. what i didnt do is make excuses to drink.
ive been through just a wee bit in the 11 years ive been sober and had a LOT of oppertunities to use many of the events of life on lifes term as excuses to drink.
but i chose not to.
imo, you making excuses for his bahvior shows some sickness,too.
i used to make excuses for the drunk/addict in my life,too.
then i got out of denial and accepted the truth.
ive been through just a wee bit in the 11 years ive been sober and had a LOT of oppertunities to use many of the events of life on lifes term as excuses to drink.
but i chose not to.
imo, you making excuses for his bahvior shows some sickness,too.
i used to make excuses for the drunk/addict in my life,too.
then i got out of denial and accepted the truth.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Alicia.....it is often advised to "Take what works, and leave the rest".......
I do think that is good advice. LOL....if the truth be told, that is basically what people end up doing, anyway.....
dandylion
I do think that is good advice. LOL....if the truth be told, that is basically what people end up doing, anyway.....
dandylion
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 216
A person I know has a drug problem. He was high and sexually assaulted a girl on the street. She fought back and got away, called the cops. He ran away. Luckily there was video footages of the incident caught on camera (thank goodness for the video surveillance in a busy city) and he eventually was arrested. His mother is a big enabler. She sold everything she had - house, cars, everything to afford for a good attorney to fight the case and get her son out of Jail. I know this guy, I know the good side to him... But... He's done horrific things. Sure, he was high as a kite.... Drugs made him horny.... Drugs made him in a different state of mind... But he chose to do the drugs which lead to a 18 year old girl left traumatized, bloodied and bruised, violated, emotionally damaged.
His mom managed to get him out of jail with the help of a good attorney.
His mom managed to get him out of jail with the help of a good attorney.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Hi, alicia,
You said you're not into the "blame game," but I hear you blaming his parents, the rehab, everyone BUT him for his problems right now.
I'm a retired prosecutor, and even if you are blackout drunk and have no memory of what happened, you are legally responsible for your actions. And yes, pushing someone who has pushed you first is justifiable self-defense. And I've worked in the field of domestic violence for around 15 years at this point (still professionally involved as someone who trains prosecutors and allied professionals who deal with violence against women), and the abuse is a totally separate issue from alcoholism. Alcohol makes some abusers more violent, but what makes most abusers the way they are is a sense of entitlement--something you see when he blames everyone else for his actions and when he expects sex on demand despite his ongoing abuse of you.
Finally, I've been in two marriages to alcoholics (one now sober 36 years, the other sober for about 2 months, if that, before he went back to drinking) and I'm almost 8 years sober. I've known LOTS of alcoholics in various stages of the disease and recovery, and I can tell you that it takes the gift of desperation--which for some people means racking up some serious losses--before some people are willing to do the hard work to get sober and stay that way.
Frankly, I don't see his situation as looking too promising at the moment. It doesn't sound to me like he's interested in changing who/what he is, just in avoiding unpleasant consequences--consequences of his own making.
I hope you will start putting some of the energy you've been putting into his life and problems into your own self-care. You deserve a happy, peaceful life. I don't see that happening in this relationship with this man.
You said you're not into the "blame game," but I hear you blaming his parents, the rehab, everyone BUT him for his problems right now.
I'm a retired prosecutor, and even if you are blackout drunk and have no memory of what happened, you are legally responsible for your actions. And yes, pushing someone who has pushed you first is justifiable self-defense. And I've worked in the field of domestic violence for around 15 years at this point (still professionally involved as someone who trains prosecutors and allied professionals who deal with violence against women), and the abuse is a totally separate issue from alcoholism. Alcohol makes some abusers more violent, but what makes most abusers the way they are is a sense of entitlement--something you see when he blames everyone else for his actions and when he expects sex on demand despite his ongoing abuse of you.
Finally, I've been in two marriages to alcoholics (one now sober 36 years, the other sober for about 2 months, if that, before he went back to drinking) and I'm almost 8 years sober. I've known LOTS of alcoholics in various stages of the disease and recovery, and I can tell you that it takes the gift of desperation--which for some people means racking up some serious losses--before some people are willing to do the hard work to get sober and stay that way.
Frankly, I don't see his situation as looking too promising at the moment. It doesn't sound to me like he's interested in changing who/what he is, just in avoiding unpleasant consequences--consequences of his own making.
I hope you will start putting some of the energy you've been putting into his life and problems into your own self-care. You deserve a happy, peaceful life. I don't see that happening in this relationship with this man.
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 844
Thank you Lexicat.
I do understand self defense. From whats been told on what happened by both sides is complex here was yelling at my husband, approaching him in a threatening way, he shoved and was shoved back. It was not a braul and was no even mentioned to the police. It was an angry parent situation and a son who was high and both made mistakes with physical actions towards one another.
As a former prose cuter do you think he got a good deal? No charges filed IF he completes treatment and has no other issues for 12 months. His record will not show the possession or the check forgery. His attorney says to be grateful and he can come out completely clean. His parents are happy because he will have the accountability.
The weird thing is he WAS very happy and looking forward to the planned rehab. He said he was going to clear his mind and work through some things and he was taking responsibility for hurting me and being out of control. He knew he had to work on himself. But all this happened in he last few days before leaving. I changed his attitude and his enthusiasm for doing self examination. My counselor told me because he is now being forced to go he will need to circle back around in his own mind and first accept his actions caused it to go down like this. She says once he accepts the reality then he may be able to move forward. She says right now he is in anger stage and no to do anything to encourage him from passing blame onto others.
A lot of my feelings on his parents I havent shared with him. But I'm having mixed feelings so I have been sharing in my posts. His parents are right about a lot of things and I try hard to examine everything they tell me.
My counselor also said I need to use this time for myself and find some peace, healing. She said like some of you that It would be a mistake to focus on his current situation too much and have nothing to give on examining my own life, feelings.
I have a whole bunch of spots set up for myself.
I do understand self defense. From whats been told on what happened by both sides is complex here was yelling at my husband, approaching him in a threatening way, he shoved and was shoved back. It was not a braul and was no even mentioned to the police. It was an angry parent situation and a son who was high and both made mistakes with physical actions towards one another.
As a former prose cuter do you think he got a good deal? No charges filed IF he completes treatment and has no other issues for 12 months. His record will not show the possession or the check forgery. His attorney says to be grateful and he can come out completely clean. His parents are happy because he will have the accountability.
The weird thing is he WAS very happy and looking forward to the planned rehab. He said he was going to clear his mind and work through some things and he was taking responsibility for hurting me and being out of control. He knew he had to work on himself. But all this happened in he last few days before leaving. I changed his attitude and his enthusiasm for doing self examination. My counselor told me because he is now being forced to go he will need to circle back around in his own mind and first accept his actions caused it to go down like this. She says once he accepts the reality then he may be able to move forward. She says right now he is in anger stage and no to do anything to encourage him from passing blame onto others.
A lot of my feelings on his parents I havent shared with him. But I'm having mixed feelings so I have been sharing in my posts. His parents are right about a lot of things and I try hard to examine everything they tell me.
My counselor also said I need to use this time for myself and find some peace, healing. She said like some of you that It would be a mistake to focus on his current situation too much and have nothing to give on examining my own life, feelings.
I have a whole bunch of spots set up for myself.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 844
I feel overwhelmed. I want to ask because everyone says they have lots of experience here. What would be the one thing you think I should do right now that will help me the most? Would it be limiting contact and focusing on my own therapy sessions along with working on the finances since I'm alone right now?
I just feel it would be much easier if I felt good about his rehab and I know I can maybe fool myself with continuous reinforcement of thoughts that its fine over and over.
I just feel it would be much easier if I felt good about his rehab and I know I can maybe fool myself with continuous reinforcement of thoughts that its fine over and over.
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Join Date: Jan 2016
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Originally Posted by aliciagr
Would it be limiting contact and focusing on my own therapy sessions along with working on the finances since I'm alone right now?
Perspective and distance are going to help you take back control of your life and what YOU want, instead of spending so much energy trying to muscle his recovery.
Sending you strength.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I think if the prosecutor knew how he was abusing you, he never would have gotten the deal that he got. He's committed serious crimes against you, that you are brushing under the rug. I get it--honestly, I do. I see it constantly in my work.
The thing is, right now you are SAFE. He can't physically hurt you right now. When he gets out, it's a different story. Even if he isn't actively using/drinking, I believe he will continue to physically, mentally, and emotionally harm you. He isn't getting treatment for the abuse, and even when that's available, just as with alcohol treatment--maybe even MORE than with alcohol treatment--he would have to have a HUGE commitment to change in order for it to work. I don't see that he sees anything wrong with what he has done to you.
I think, personally, your best bet is to step away from him. I think your continuing to visit just feeds into your need to try to "help" him, when he isn't willing to help himself. I think you should USE this safe time to grab all the recovery tools for yourself that you can get your hands on. I'd suggest calling your local women's shelter (you don't have to go live there or anything) and talk with an advocate about what's been going on in your relationship. I think your situation is quite dangerous if he gets out. Nobody will make you do anything official--make any reports, file any charges--unless you wanted to do that. But an advocate can help you get some counseling, and can help you with a safety plan in the event he gets out and you aren't ready to leave yet. Nobody will think you are foolish or make you feel bad about it. The advocates understand, too. But they may help you to come to some realizations about how you want your life to be, and help you make a plan to eventually get there, and give you some tools to help you feel (and be) stronger.
I think you're a brave and determined woman, but you are also a survivor of some pretty traumatic experiences, and that will impact your ability to walk your own path, unless you get some help to break free.
The thing is, right now you are SAFE. He can't physically hurt you right now. When he gets out, it's a different story. Even if he isn't actively using/drinking, I believe he will continue to physically, mentally, and emotionally harm you. He isn't getting treatment for the abuse, and even when that's available, just as with alcohol treatment--maybe even MORE than with alcohol treatment--he would have to have a HUGE commitment to change in order for it to work. I don't see that he sees anything wrong with what he has done to you.
I think, personally, your best bet is to step away from him. I think your continuing to visit just feeds into your need to try to "help" him, when he isn't willing to help himself. I think you should USE this safe time to grab all the recovery tools for yourself that you can get your hands on. I'd suggest calling your local women's shelter (you don't have to go live there or anything) and talk with an advocate about what's been going on in your relationship. I think your situation is quite dangerous if he gets out. Nobody will make you do anything official--make any reports, file any charges--unless you wanted to do that. But an advocate can help you get some counseling, and can help you with a safety plan in the event he gets out and you aren't ready to leave yet. Nobody will think you are foolish or make you feel bad about it. The advocates understand, too. But they may help you to come to some realizations about how you want your life to be, and help you make a plan to eventually get there, and give you some tools to help you feel (and be) stronger.
I think you're a brave and determined woman, but you are also a survivor of some pretty traumatic experiences, and that will impact your ability to walk your own path, unless you get some help to break free.
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 216
Originally Posted by aliciagr
My counselor also said I need to use this time for myself and find some peace, healing. She said like some of you that It would be a mistake to focus on his current situation too much and have nothing to give on examining my own life, feelings. I have a whole bunch of spots set up for myself.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 216
Originally Posted by aliciagr
I feel overwhelmed. I want to ask because everyone says they have lots of experience here. What would be the one thing you think I should do right now that will help me the most? Would it be limiting contact and focusing on my own therapy sessions along with working on the finances since I'm alone right now? I just feel it would be much easier if I felt good about his rehab and I know I can maybe fool myself with continuous reinforcement of thoughts that its fine over and over.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Alicia......you asked what would be the thing that would help you the most......
I already told you in my other post...but, I will repeat it again.....LOL.....
Get a copy of Lundy Bancroft's book---"Why does He Do That"....and read it while you have this time with him away at rehab.....
Also, the book, "Co-dependent No More"....is another classic reading. in these parts....practically SR "bibles".....(read
Lundy's book first.....
(This falls under the classification of self-care and focusing on yourself).....
I concur with cutting the contact, also.....it just reinforces his victim stories....he seems to see himself as the victim in every scenario.........
You can get these books, used, and pretty cheap...less than 10 dollars, each, on Amazon.com.....as well as the public library, also.....
dandylion
I already told you in my other post...but, I will repeat it again.....LOL.....
Get a copy of Lundy Bancroft's book---"Why does He Do That"....and read it while you have this time with him away at rehab.....
Also, the book, "Co-dependent No More"....is another classic reading. in these parts....practically SR "bibles".....(read
Lundy's book first.....
(This falls under the classification of self-care and focusing on yourself).....
I concur with cutting the contact, also.....it just reinforces his victim stories....he seems to see himself as the victim in every scenario.........
You can get these books, used, and pretty cheap...less than 10 dollars, each, on Amazon.com.....as well as the public library, also.....
dandylion
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,781
Yes, definitely read the books. Definitely give yourself some time & space to hear your own thoughts without running them through his filter. You'll be amazed at what comes bubbling up, I'm sure.
And just know that you don't have to figure everything out Right Now. None of us get there in one crashing moment; it's a chain of many, many baby steps that raise our awareness degree by degree as we sort of slowly wake up & look around us & see the details of our lives a little bit differently.
Don't pressure yourself to know all the answers & try not to get pushed into reacting on his timeframe. You may both be "in" this situation, but the solutions are likely very different for each of you.
((((Hugs))))) Stick around, keep reading, keep posting.
And just know that you don't have to figure everything out Right Now. None of us get there in one crashing moment; it's a chain of many, many baby steps that raise our awareness degree by degree as we sort of slowly wake up & look around us & see the details of our lives a little bit differently.
Don't pressure yourself to know all the answers & try not to get pushed into reacting on his timeframe. You may both be "in" this situation, but the solutions are likely very different for each of you.
((((Hugs))))) Stick around, keep reading, keep posting.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Originally Posted by aliciagr
I feel overwhelmed. I want to ask because everyone says they have lots of experience here. What would be the one thing you think I should do right now that will help me the most? Would it be limiting contact and focusing on my own therapy sessions along with working on the finances since I'm alone right now?
I just feel it would be much easier if I felt good about his rehab and I know I can maybe fool myself with continuous reinforcement of thoughts that its fine over and over.
I just feel it would be much easier if I felt good about his rehab and I know I can maybe fool myself with continuous reinforcement of thoughts that its fine over and over.
I think you have gotten some wise advice, and I want to reiterate the advice that your husband's attorney gave you - don't mess with what is in place now. Let the Law do its job, and handle him. If your husband feels so passionate to move to another Rehab, let husband handle it. I believe that would be contingent on his parents helping out, though I am not sure. Nonetheless - don' t lift one finger to make it happen. He has the ability to call his attorney, and his parents. I think husband's attorney is wary that your husband will adhere to the legal consequences he has received IF he is given the freedom to do otherwise. That probably just comes from experience and instinct, and like Lexie's advice, is worthy of your attention.
It is true, the Courts were unaware of the two assaults you sustained. So, the consequences that your husband is facing are but an Nth of what he would have been had you pressed charges. I too understand why you did not, and empathize with you completely - which is not agreeing to it - I just understand being human.
My advice would be an echo of the others. I think you need further education of abusive behavior. I believe that speaking with a confidential DV organization would be an excellent thing for you to do.
I believe you need to look at the realities of living with someone with addiction even if they are sober or in recovery, and what the long term problems associated with it can be. I agree, his relapse was NOT done to YOU. However, the fallout of a relapse, which can have severe consequences for the sober spouse, must be recognized and prepared for. Your emotional state right now is devastating to you I know, and you must be very tired ((((hugs)))). Compounding that are other issues that are just life, your husband has no income coming in. I am unsure that he will have a job. While you have savings, if this takes long enough you have indicated there will be financial issues. These are the things that can happen to ANY of us who choose to be with a recovering A - my husband relapsed after 10 years sober. It can and does happen. I would say you need to work on a plan of financial independence, or keeping your credit non-commingled. If you choose to stay fine, but you should always have a plan if you need it.
Finally, you are focusing more energy on him than on yourself (we all do it). I'd just put the whole marriage on hold for the time being - put yourself in limbo. You aren't deciding to stay or leave, and you are working on what you need to for YOU. As far as he is concerned, leave him be - let him focus on HIM. His behavior the last time you went to visit was just over the top, and surely uncomfortable. He has some sex issues, I can feel the "pressure" he puts on you. It needs to stop.
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Join Date: Mar 2016
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Thank you so much for the concern over the DV.I did call and speak to a woman at the DV office. I spoke to her about 3 times. The last time to let her know I had started counseling and we were living apart until I felt confident in his being off drugs and alcohol and saw stability again .
She did do an evaluation and asked me a lot of questions about our dynamics, history, his behavior and exactly what happened. She agreed he was a risk while using cocaine and he needed to be evaluated by a doctor but she DID NOT say he was a classic abuser or that she could confirm this was his pattern of behavior or anything like this. I am also working with my therapist because its damaging to my feelings of self control over my own body, respect and trust of my husband, it REALLY messes with thoughts and feelings. I know I have to deal with it because not only will it have lasting negative effects for me, my marriage or any future relationship I might have if I ever leave this marriage. But at the same time I dont want to have a victimized bitter mentality.
But you are right on husbands bargain with the charges. And the DV advocate did encourage me to file a report in case I need it for the future . Had I done that, or had he had any legal issues maybe even speeding tickets then he might have not been given the chance to keep his record clean. He also had to pay back his parents the money and has already done that.
Its strange, he has shown refet and admitted responsibility and his own sick behaviors with what happened with forcing himself on me. I felt he was sincere. He doesnt feel like his parents should have been so upset and I think its because he feels like they knew he would pay back he money back and they made a big deal about a minor incident. H doesnt grasp this was a real crime. Just because it was his parents doesnt matter. The act was the crime.
But also because I didnt share about the DV he is also not in a place where he can be evaluated and get could selling for the this.
She did do an evaluation and asked me a lot of questions about our dynamics, history, his behavior and exactly what happened. She agreed he was a risk while using cocaine and he needed to be evaluated by a doctor but she DID NOT say he was a classic abuser or that she could confirm this was his pattern of behavior or anything like this. I am also working with my therapist because its damaging to my feelings of self control over my own body, respect and trust of my husband, it REALLY messes with thoughts and feelings. I know I have to deal with it because not only will it have lasting negative effects for me, my marriage or any future relationship I might have if I ever leave this marriage. But at the same time I dont want to have a victimized bitter mentality.
But you are right on husbands bargain with the charges. And the DV advocate did encourage me to file a report in case I need it for the future . Had I done that, or had he had any legal issues maybe even speeding tickets then he might have not been given the chance to keep his record clean. He also had to pay back his parents the money and has already done that.
Its strange, he has shown refet and admitted responsibility and his own sick behaviors with what happened with forcing himself on me. I felt he was sincere. He doesnt feel like his parents should have been so upset and I think its because he feels like they knew he would pay back he money back and they made a big deal about a minor incident. H doesnt grasp this was a real crime. Just because it was his parents doesnt matter. The act was the crime.
But also because I didnt share about the DV he is also not in a place where he can be evaluated and get could selling for the this.
Originally Posted by LexieCat
Hi, alicia,
You said you're not into the "blame game," but I hear you blaming his parents, the rehab, everyone BUT him for his problems right now.
I'm a retired prosecutor, and even if you are blackout drunk and have no memory of what happened, you are legally responsible for your actions. And yes, pushing someone who has pushed you first is justifiable self-defense. And I've worked in the field of domestic violence for around 15 years at this point (still professionally involved as someone who trains prosecutors and allied professionals who deal with violence against women), and the abuse is a totally separate issue from alcoholism. Alcohol makes some abusers more violent, but what makes most abusers the way they are is a sense of entitlement--something you see when he blames everyone else for his actions and when he expects sex on demand despite his ongoing abuse of you.
Finally, I've been in two marriages to alcoholics (one now sober 36 years, the other sober for about 2 months, if that, before he went back to drinking) and I'm almost 8 years sober. I've known LOTS of alcoholics in various stages of the disease and recovery, and I can tell you that it takes the gift of desperation--which for some people means racking up some serious losses--before some people are willing to do the hard work to get sober and stay that way.
Frankly, I don't see his situation as looking too promising at the moment. It doesn't sound to me like he's interested in changing who/what he is, just in avoiding unpleasant consequences--consequences of his own making.
I hope you will start putting some of the energy you've been putting into his life and problems into your own self-care. You deserve a happy, peaceful life. I don't see that happening in this relationship with this man.
You said you're not into the "blame game," but I hear you blaming his parents, the rehab, everyone BUT him for his problems right now.
I'm a retired prosecutor, and even if you are blackout drunk and have no memory of what happened, you are legally responsible for your actions. And yes, pushing someone who has pushed you first is justifiable self-defense. And I've worked in the field of domestic violence for around 15 years at this point (still professionally involved as someone who trains prosecutors and allied professionals who deal with violence against women), and the abuse is a totally separate issue from alcoholism. Alcohol makes some abusers more violent, but what makes most abusers the way they are is a sense of entitlement--something you see when he blames everyone else for his actions and when he expects sex on demand despite his ongoing abuse of you.
Finally, I've been in two marriages to alcoholics (one now sober 36 years, the other sober for about 2 months, if that, before he went back to drinking) and I'm almost 8 years sober. I've known LOTS of alcoholics in various stages of the disease and recovery, and I can tell you that it takes the gift of desperation--which for some people means racking up some serious losses--before some people are willing to do the hard work to get sober and stay that way.
Frankly, I don't see his situation as looking too promising at the moment. It doesn't sound to me like he's interested in changing who/what he is, just in avoiding unpleasant consequences--consequences of his own making.
I hope you will start putting some of the energy you've been putting into his life and problems into your own self-care. You deserve a happy, peaceful life. I don't see that happening in this relationship with this man.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 844
I will look for the Lundy book. ive already have looked at the codependent one. I'll ask my therapist about them too. Thanks!
Originally Posted by dandylion
Alicia......you asked what would be the thing that would help you the most......
I already told you in my other post...but, I will repeat it again.....LOL.....
Get a copy of Lundy Bancroft's book---"Why does He Do That"....and read it while you have this time with him away at rehab.....
Also, the book, "Co-dependent No More"....is another classic reading. in these parts....practically SR "bibles".....(read
Lundy's book first.....
(This falls under the classification of self-care and focusing on yourself).....
I concur with cutting the contact, also.....it just reinforces his victim stories....he seems to see himself as the victim in every scenario.........
You can get these books, used, and pretty cheap...less than 10 dollars, each, on Amazon.com.....as well as the public library, also.....
dandylion
I already told you in my other post...but, I will repeat it again.....LOL.....
Get a copy of Lundy Bancroft's book---"Why does He Do That"....and read it while you have this time with him away at rehab.....
Also, the book, "Co-dependent No More"....is another classic reading. in these parts....practically SR "bibles".....(read
Lundy's book first.....
(This falls under the classification of self-care and focusing on yourself).....
I concur with cutting the contact, also.....it just reinforces his victim stories....he seems to see himself as the victim in every scenario.........
You can get these books, used, and pretty cheap...less than 10 dollars, each, on Amazon.com.....as well as the public library, also.....
dandylion
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 844
Originally Posted by FireSprite
Yes, definitely read the books. Definitely give yourself some time & space to hear your own thoughts without running them through his filter. You'll be amazed at what comes bubbling up, I'm sure.
And just know that you don't have to figure everything out Right Now. None of us get there in one crashing moment; it's a chain of many, many baby steps that raise our awareness degree by degree as we sort of slowly wake up & look around us & see the details of our lives a little bit differently.
Don't pressure yourself to know all the answers & try not to get pushed into reacting on his timeframe. You may both be "in" this situation, but the solutions are likely very different for each of you.
((((Hugs))))) Stick around, keep reading, keep posting.
And just know that you don't have to figure everything out Right Now. None of us get there in one crashing moment; it's a chain of many, many baby steps that raise our awareness degree by degree as we sort of slowly wake up & look around us & see the details of our lives a little bit differently.
Don't pressure yourself to know all the answers & try not to get pushed into reacting on his timeframe. You may both be "in" this situation, but the solutions are likely very different for each of you.
((((Hugs))))) Stick around, keep reading, keep posting.
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