The crazy destruction addiction brings
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The crazy destruction addiction brings
Its been a while but I have been reading here off and on. Last time I was here my husband was excited to be going to a rehab out of state. I was hopeful for him and our marriage.
So much has happened. He had a week off work before leaving and he couldnt stay away from the drugs and drinking. While staying at his parents he came home smelling like a bar and he was high. They tried to ignore it because he was leaving in a couple days. But I he next day he shoved his dad during an argument and they discovered checks missing and he had cashed them to get the drug money. He would have been driving under the influence so they called the police. He wasnt located but when he came back do their house hey they wouldnt let him in and called the police, filed complaint about he checks so he was taken in, had drugs on him at that time.
His parents told me not to bail him out, but I did after nail was set. He got a lawyer and was able to get a deal thru what is like a drug court. 180 days combined rehab, therapy and either I have to sign that he can live at home or he has to go into sober living for for he remainder. He will be on probation for a year with drug testing.
His parents of course would no longer help with the pricey rehab he was scheduled for plus it was out of state. The courts gave us a suggested list and he had to take the one who would get him in soonest.
Hes been there a few weeks and hates it. His minimum stay there is 30 days but I dont think they will recommend he is done enough to complete the program. His parents won't see him. He was on a lock down for 2 weeks and in order to see him I had to meet with one f their staff and sit thru a whole lesson and sign I would support their rules. I was strange I thought but I guess its a replacement for jail time?
He blames me for making him leave our home. Has forgot he sexually abused me and thats why we were apart. He is so angry but would you believe he said he needed to have sex with me on my first visit with him. H gets 10 minut calls during the week and tomorrow I'm going to see him. Hes been less angry this week on the phone but I dont know why.
How long does it take a person to come to terms with what they did, why they are there and to take responsibility? His parents say they just wanted him to get help and not be sheltered from consequences. But I think this is ruining his life. If they had just let him go to the rehab he planned. If they held out a day.
I'm confused and been reaching out again, went to an alanon meeting even though I havent found it too helpful. I shared and had a couple people after offer to support and encourage me.
I cant believe how addiction works so fast and causes so much damage. We moved to a beautiful house for his new job promotion. Now I dont know if he will have a job if he doesnt get back soon . And o he courts and rehab are the only ones to decide if he can even be allowed to work. His parents said they feel ive enabled him and unless I make big changes in how I deal with him, maybe even go no contact until he is released, say no he has no place to go because he abused me, force him to do sober living. Hopefully he can work his job and live there? I dont know what to do but I'm praying about it and hoping seeing him tomorrow will help me make decisions.
Support and advice if youve been through something close to this would be helpful. And does anyone here work one on one with online support?
So much has happened. He had a week off work before leaving and he couldnt stay away from the drugs and drinking. While staying at his parents he came home smelling like a bar and he was high. They tried to ignore it because he was leaving in a couple days. But I he next day he shoved his dad during an argument and they discovered checks missing and he had cashed them to get the drug money. He would have been driving under the influence so they called the police. He wasnt located but when he came back do their house hey they wouldnt let him in and called the police, filed complaint about he checks so he was taken in, had drugs on him at that time.
His parents told me not to bail him out, but I did after nail was set. He got a lawyer and was able to get a deal thru what is like a drug court. 180 days combined rehab, therapy and either I have to sign that he can live at home or he has to go into sober living for for he remainder. He will be on probation for a year with drug testing.
His parents of course would no longer help with the pricey rehab he was scheduled for plus it was out of state. The courts gave us a suggested list and he had to take the one who would get him in soonest.
Hes been there a few weeks and hates it. His minimum stay there is 30 days but I dont think they will recommend he is done enough to complete the program. His parents won't see him. He was on a lock down for 2 weeks and in order to see him I had to meet with one f their staff and sit thru a whole lesson and sign I would support their rules. I was strange I thought but I guess its a replacement for jail time?
He blames me for making him leave our home. Has forgot he sexually abused me and thats why we were apart. He is so angry but would you believe he said he needed to have sex with me on my first visit with him. H gets 10 minut calls during the week and tomorrow I'm going to see him. Hes been less angry this week on the phone but I dont know why.
How long does it take a person to come to terms with what they did, why they are there and to take responsibility? His parents say they just wanted him to get help and not be sheltered from consequences. But I think this is ruining his life. If they had just let him go to the rehab he planned. If they held out a day.
I'm confused and been reaching out again, went to an alanon meeting even though I havent found it too helpful. I shared and had a couple people after offer to support and encourage me.
I cant believe how addiction works so fast and causes so much damage. We moved to a beautiful house for his new job promotion. Now I dont know if he will have a job if he doesnt get back soon . And o he courts and rehab are the only ones to decide if he can even be allowed to work. His parents said they feel ive enabled him and unless I make big changes in how I deal with him, maybe even go no contact until he is released, say no he has no place to go because he abused me, force him to do sober living. Hopefully he can work his job and live there? I dont know what to do but I'm praying about it and hoping seeing him tomorrow will help me make decisions.
Support and advice if youve been through something close to this would be helpful. And does anyone here work one on one with online support?
What are you doing to help yourself through this insanity? Are you getting support for the sexual abuse?
You deserve so much better than this. His abuse sounds awful.
His parents are following the best path, stepping back and letting him feel the consequences of his actions. You are not helping by enabling him. I don't say this in a harsh way, I am saying it in a caring way for your welfare.
Move back from his behaviour and take care of yourself. Please protect yourself by keeping away from him.
Maybe consider going back to Al-anon. It is usually suggested you give it 6 meetings to see if you feel it is right for you.
Glad you are writing about this. So sorry you have been dragged into his mess.
You deserve so much better than this. His abuse sounds awful.
His parents are following the best path, stepping back and letting him feel the consequences of his actions. You are not helping by enabling him. I don't say this in a harsh way, I am saying it in a caring way for your welfare.
Move back from his behaviour and take care of yourself. Please protect yourself by keeping away from him.
Maybe consider going back to Al-anon. It is usually suggested you give it 6 meetings to see if you feel it is right for you.
Glad you are writing about this. So sorry you have been dragged into his mess.
His parents say they just wanted him to get help and not be sheltered from consequences. But I think this is ruining his life. If they had just let him go to the rehab he planned. If they held out a day.
this latest turn of events is not his PARENT's fault. they HAD a "pricey" rehab lined up FOR him, allowed him to stay WITH them and what did he do? abused his own father (shoved him, you said), STOLE from them, wrote and cashed fraudulent checks, and stayed drunk and high.
HE was a day or so away from rehab. HE chose another path. HIS actions and HIS choices are ruining his life. HE abused you and still blames YOU for everything.
i do hope you find your balance. and see this man for who he really has become. and stop trying to protect him from himself. it's not helping him and its most certainly not helping you.
this latest turn of events is not his PARENT's fault. they HAD a "pricey" rehab lined up FOR him, allowed him to stay WITH them and what did he do? abused his own father (shoved him, you said), STOLE from them, wrote and cashed fraudulent checks, and stayed drunk and high.
HE was a day or so away from rehab. HE chose another path. HIS actions and HIS choices are ruining his life. HE abused you and still blames YOU for everything.
i do hope you find your balance. and see this man for who he really has become. and stop trying to protect him from himself. it's not helping him and its most certainly not helping you.
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Join Date: Jan 2016
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Some people never take responsibility for their actions or come to terms with what they do to others. Unfortunately for them this often leads to an escalation of consequences.
You should focus on you and your life without him, and let him take care of himself.
You should focus on you and your life without him, and let him take care of himself.
He did this to himself, through his own actions.
He is ruining his own life, not his parents,
and he will certainly ruin yours if you don't step back and
see the truth which is his addiction is more important than you or his family.
I'm very sorry you are suffering so much.
He is ruining his own life, not his parents,
and he will certainly ruin yours if you don't step back and
see the truth which is his addiction is more important than you or his family.
I'm very sorry you are suffering so much.
Just want to say that I agree with all the other responses! But also wanted to add, that he would have hated the "pricey" rehab too! He will hate anything and everyone that comes between his addiction.
Trust me, the crazy destruction can and will get much worse if you don't start working on you!
Trust me, the crazy destruction can and will get much worse if you don't start working on you!
Alicia.....if he doesn't, eventually, make a connection between his drinking and the consequences that it brings....he will never want to get sober...and participate in genuine recovery.....
Every time that someone "cushions" his consequences---it makes it easier for him to avoid the need to get into recovery....
Of course, it will be up to HIM if he will open his mind to the treatment program that has been laid out for him. Anything that you do or don't do will not make any difference at that level.......
So, you might as well start working o n yourself and leave himself to him as far as recovery.......Do you see the logic in this....?
If he doesn't get to recovery...he won't be able to keep anything else in his life...he will, eventually, lose it all.....his family, his marriage, his job,
I know that this sounds cold and harsh, to you....but, that is just the way it goes for those who are caught in the grips of the disease and cannot/willnot reach for recovery.......
Accepting this one fact is very hard for the alcoholic and their loved ones, as well......
dandylion
Every time that someone "cushions" his consequences---it makes it easier for him to avoid the need to get into recovery....
Of course, it will be up to HIM if he will open his mind to the treatment program that has been laid out for him. Anything that you do or don't do will not make any difference at that level.......
So, you might as well start working o n yourself and leave himself to him as far as recovery.......Do you see the logic in this....?
If he doesn't get to recovery...he won't be able to keep anything else in his life...he will, eventually, lose it all.....his family, his marriage, his job,
I know that this sounds cold and harsh, to you....but, that is just the way it goes for those who are caught in the grips of the disease and cannot/willnot reach for recovery.......
Accepting this one fact is very hard for the alcoholic and their loved ones, as well......
dandylion
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
A,
I am sorry for the pain you are going through with your addict. He is just that, and addict. Please stop treating him like a wonderful, kind man who deserves respect. He hurt you and his parents, please look at this man as who he is, not what you want him to be.
Step back and let him figure this out, by you listening to his immature behavior, he will continue to act like a 12 year old. Don't give him a that opportunity. He will never grown up and get sober if you continue this role with him. Please educate yourself about addiction and addicts.
Sending hugs my friend!!!
I am sorry for the pain you are going through with your addict. He is just that, and addict. Please stop treating him like a wonderful, kind man who deserves respect. He hurt you and his parents, please look at this man as who he is, not what you want him to be.
Step back and let him figure this out, by you listening to his immature behavior, he will continue to act like a 12 year old. Don't give him a that opportunity. He will never grown up and get sober if you continue this role with him. Please educate yourself about addiction and addicts.
Sending hugs my friend!!!
They told him he follows their house rules or he can be out on the street.
I wish my parents, especially my father, had laid down some boundaries with my sister. She's been struggling with her demons for twenty plus years now.
If they had just let him go to the rehab he planned. If they held out a day.
What makes you think that rehab would have been successful? My sister is SO not ready to go to rehab. She most likely conned her therapists. If she ended up in rehab, she probably would have conned them too. She's been subsidized by my parents and her ex-husband, and frankly she has no reason to stop doing what she's doing.
The truth is that he has to truly, truly want to get better in order for rehab to work. Stealing checks and subjecting you to abuse is a pretty clear signal that he isn't there yet.
My sister-in-law also is a recovering addict, and I can tell you that the difference between her and my sister is night and day. My sister-in-law is brave enough to admit what she did wrong, and she knows that she can't expect people to rescue her 24/7. I've said it before here, it's actually quite awesome to watch.
But it's also heartbreaking because I know that my sister is nowhere near that stage. And the way things are going, I'm not sure she'll ever get there. Right now, the best way I can express my love for her is through her daughters. I ask myself, what would the sober version of my sister want, what would she advise? She would most likely tell me to do what I'm doing now.
Hes been less angry this week on the phone but I dont know why.
Be aware and listen to your gut. There was a reason why you posted your story on SR.
Take a deep breath. Not for him, but for you.
Alicia.....one more thought....the reason that he is nicer, on the phone, this week ...is, maybe, because he is "softening you up" for the upcoming visit.
do you think he is STILL expecting sex!?
I think his is trying to manipulate you......
Alcoholics become soo skilled at knowing who their enablers are and who to hit up...... When they suddenly become "nicer".....ask yourself..."What do they want?"........
If you want to tell the difference...just tell them "no" about anything, and you will be able to tell if it was genuine or if it was a manipulation of you.....
dandylion
do you think he is STILL expecting sex!?
I think his is trying to manipulate you......
Alcoholics become soo skilled at knowing who their enablers are and who to hit up...... When they suddenly become "nicer".....ask yourself..."What do they want?"........
If you want to tell the difference...just tell them "no" about anything, and you will be able to tell if it was genuine or if it was a manipulation of you.....
dandylion
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Join Date: Mar 2016
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I appreciate all the replies. I'm having a hard time here and doing the best I can right now. I can't explain my overall feelings very easily. What all this feels like, my feelings for him even. I hope my post didnt make people angry. I have made mistakes and I'm sure I will make more but I'm trying.
I think probably like someone mentioned his attitude has softened because I'm the only one coming to see him and I can't imagine exactly how this must all feel to him. I really dont think the rehab will recommend he be discharged this soon. Hopefully there is time for him to work on himself. Just dont know about his job if hes forced out much longer but your right. He will lose his job if he doesnt get it together. He would probably lose it if he blows this deal and the original charges are filed. This is his only chance to keep his life as is, but make it better thru recovery.
I'm seeing a counselor for myself now. That part is going ok but also not sure what else I'm going to do. Feel so odd woman out in life. No one would believe what I'm going through except people who have experienced the insanity of addiction. Its hard for me to open up to people and if its ok I will try to do it here maybe? But please be kind because I'm trying and I dont feel done with him yet but I know I may have to learn to step back for a while and I dont know how to get through it if it comes to that.
I think probably like someone mentioned his attitude has softened because I'm the only one coming to see him and I can't imagine exactly how this must all feel to him. I really dont think the rehab will recommend he be discharged this soon. Hopefully there is time for him to work on himself. Just dont know about his job if hes forced out much longer but your right. He will lose his job if he doesnt get it together. He would probably lose it if he blows this deal and the original charges are filed. This is his only chance to keep his life as is, but make it better thru recovery.
I'm seeing a counselor for myself now. That part is going ok but also not sure what else I'm going to do. Feel so odd woman out in life. No one would believe what I'm going through except people who have experienced the insanity of addiction. Its hard for me to open up to people and if its ok I will try to do it here maybe? But please be kind because I'm trying and I dont feel done with him yet but I know I may have to learn to step back for a while and I dont know how to get through it if it comes to that.
"But please be kind because I'm trying and I dont feel done with him yet but I know I may have to learn to step back for a while and I dont know how to get through it if it comes to that."
I hope not being done with him yet doesn't have something to do with you possibly thinking you can save him.
I hope not being done with him yet doesn't have something to do with you possibly thinking you can save him.
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"But please be kind because I'm trying and I dont feel done with him yet but I know I may have to learn to step back for a while and I dont know how to get through it if it comes to that."
I hope not being done with him yet doesn't have something to do with you possibly thinking you can save him.
I hope not being done with him yet doesn't have something to do with you possibly thinking you can save him.
Alicia......who is worried about Alicia? Who is concerned over the pain and abuse that you have suffered?
Who is trying to understand you....and cares about what you think and how you are feeling?
Who is going to be there for you...when the wind blows cold and you need shelter from the storm? Who is going to help you emotionally and financially and in the practical, day-to-day ways?
Who will be your soft place to fall...every single time, without fail?
You don't have to answer these questions on the forum, if you don't want to....
But, I think it would be good to ask yourself these questions......
dandylion
Who is trying to understand you....and cares about what you think and how you are feeling?
Who is going to be there for you...when the wind blows cold and you need shelter from the storm? Who is going to help you emotionally and financially and in the practical, day-to-day ways?
Who will be your soft place to fall...every single time, without fail?
You don't have to answer these questions on the forum, if you don't want to....
But, I think it would be good to ask yourself these questions......
dandylion
I hope my post didnt make people angry.
Its hard for me to open up to people and if its ok I will try to do it here maybe?
Let me give you a big, giant virtual hug.
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Just one thing...you don't have to have sex with him just because he says so.
You don't even have to visit him, unless you know you want to.
We get in these crazy patterns of doing what they say because it's always been so much easier that way so it becomes automatic.
What do YOU want?
You don't even have to visit him, unless you know you want to.
We get in these crazy patterns of doing what they say because it's always been so much easier that way so it becomes automatic.
What do YOU want?
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Feel raw after seeing him. He feels so betrayed by his parents because they forced this on him. he knows his actions caused it, but somehow it was like he felt because he had been on the way to rehab and getting help, why did they do this? I told him we need their help financially because he is not working. He knows its true but is thinking it will be ok as soon as he gets out of rehab and comes home. I told him they could force him to stay in sober living, we may not have a choice for him to come home for months. He asked if I will stick by him? He wants sex but really? How is that possible while visiting in rehab? I told him emotionally I can't be with him in some quickie hiding from patients and rehab counselors. It was a no but I was honest. He took it ok I guess. He complained about the place a lot. I feel like he hates it there and is towing the line, but with rehab I think they know if you dont crack your shell and get real about your sickness inside? I dont have good feeling about recovery but at least he has no access to anything while there.
Going to pray hard over what to do, and God will send me signs on how to manage all our bills without using our savings. And some peace in my heart and the direction I need to go with him. I feel so raw and vulnerable and it doesnt help but feeling sorry for myself too. How did all this happen?
Going to pray hard over what to do, and God will send me signs on how to manage all our bills without using our savings. And some peace in my heart and the direction I need to go with him. I feel so raw and vulnerable and it doesnt help but feeling sorry for myself too. How did all this happen?
Welcome Alicia. Learning as much about addiction is key. The ones living with the addict are very conflicted. We fell in love with them for their good qualities, not the horrible ones that drug and alcohol can bring on. Therefore we latch onto hope. If only they can kick their addiction and be sober, it'll be perfect. Us codependents have ALL had this fantasy and that's why so many of us stay and put up with BS, it's because of that hope that one day there will be light at the end of the tunnel. But guess what. In most scenarios even if the addict manages sobriety, the relationship will still be damaged. Too much resentment, too much hurt, etc.
My AH just did 60 days in rehab. The stories in there that you hear from male drug addicts of sexual promiscuity is horrendous and in 90% of the cases, wives don't have a clue. Lots of paying for sex when high. Many drugs such as cocaine causes extreme hyper sexuality. Then there are the wives in high hopes that their husbands will come out of rehab sober and their lives can go on happily ever after. If only they knew about the infidelities I wonder if they would take on that second job to pay for their husband's rehab in the first place
My AH just did 60 days in rehab. The stories in there that you hear from male drug addicts of sexual promiscuity is horrendous and in 90% of the cases, wives don't have a clue. Lots of paying for sex when high. Many drugs such as cocaine causes extreme hyper sexuality. Then there are the wives in high hopes that their husbands will come out of rehab sober and their lives can go on happily ever after. If only they knew about the infidelities I wonder if they would take on that second job to pay for their husband's rehab in the first place
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