aliciagr

First off, he was in a similar outpatient program a few months ago and it was not working for him. This is inpatient so its different but he had researched and shared with me and also his family about a he rehab he wanted to go to. He was approved to go and was excited saying he needed to recharge, work on specific issues and overall reset himself.

The other rehab offered a smaller patient to clinician percentage. It assigned him a team of professionals to work with and he would have a therapy sessions daily and access to different behavioral treatments that the dr was trained in. He could be better evaluated and treated medically. They would develop a plan just for him. Many other things available to help in more holistic ways.

This is my.biggest concern and I can't shake it and I'm simply.not at peace thinking he wasnt s to.go there, had I set up, and I was detailed and maybe it was a mistake we didnt go ahead instead of picking one from the court list given to us. Whoever could take him.immediately so he didnt spend days in jail waiting for approval for him to leave the state.

I called the contact at the rehab and explained again and asked could he be transferr d now. She said because Insurance is.not involved in his current rehab then they should cover 30 days minimum and it will depend on the dr working to keep him longer. They will still take him.

I called the attorney and he said he would need an admission letter and he would write up why we feel its a better match and the rehab needs to also provide proof we have payment through insurance and other means set up and approved. Waiting for this no

The new rehab said they would help him transition to a new therapist at home and screen them, do some joint phone sessions to help transition him. She said they plan after care for everyone.

I told the attorney his and he said there should be no reason its denied. Hes no sure how the transfer will work but said can anyone accompany him? Said if he screws up, no 2nd chances.

FireSprite

I truly believe that when a person WANTS to get sober, they can & will do it anywhere with whatever resources are available.

This seems like a LOT of hoops to jump through just to make him happy about being able to call the shots related to his court-ordered rehab. He HAD the chance to do it his way & he BLEW it. Then escalated the situation by committing a crime. It sounds like he really doesn't "get it" honestly, which makes me doubt that any facility would be effective. I'd bet anything that he's already "throwing pillows ahead" - mentally lining up all the future excuses for why rehab failed him - if only his parents had/the court did/if he hadn't had to change - Quack, quack, quack. Truth is the ONLY component necessary for a person to recover is the internal desire to do so.

What I hear is that you are upset because you didn't follow through on his wishes to ensure his happiness & that is classic codependent thinking. Your emotional grid is linked so tightly to his, that his unhappiness becomes yours even when he created this mess & is ultimately the one responsible for the unhappiness to begin with. You didn't drop the ball here, yet - you are the one going crazy trying to make it right because your nerves won't settle until he's OK. But that's just an illusion too, isn't it? It only buys you a short respite until his next crisis, I'll bet.

All I know is that having this time alone while he is dealing with his consequences is the best gift you can have right now. I'd hate to see you spend all of it spinning your wheels managing his recovery - that's like Golden Rule #1 around here - hands OFF the addict's recovery.... their success does not require our involvement & we often impede the process by trying to control it.

dandylion

Weell..ll, it sounds like you have already made the arrangements......
So, things will happen like they are going to happen......
In time....more will be revealed...it will all unfold before y ou......

dandylion

aliciagr

Firesprite, I do understand your feelings but I just have a different view and dont feel the same about rehabs and treatment. I'm not wanting to please him. I'm wanting him to get the best possible treatment and have options and qualified people who can focus on just his needs and help him through his process. The rest is up to him to figure out.

And yes! He will be out of state and I probably won't be able to visit, but this place also has a whole week of family events and I will try to go for this. She told me today once he gets there then she will let me know what week it will be so hopefully I can attend. We do education and will have therapy sessions, family group sessions and I will have multiple sessions with him alone in therapy. And if he is there 2 months then I can come back and so on. Thats exciting I think.

Now just have to wait and see and who knows how long this will take with him to the legal system needing to approve it.

In some way I feel like my prayers were answered this week when I was confused and posted here and by being asked questions it made me think and feel and get to the bottom of part of my discomfort. Having the he blackout lifted and making another trip to visit last weekend helped too. I think ive been in shock over this happening and the emotions of the police being involved. It was like a nightmare.

LexieCat

The point we are trying to get across, alicia, is that the best rehab in the WORLD won't "work" for someone who isn't committed to getting sober. Alcoholics and addicts aren't lab rats that can somehow be conditioned or "treated" not to want to drink and use drugs. Treatment mostly consist of providing tools, but the tools don't work by themselves. The alcoholic has to listen to instructions about how to use them, and be motivated enough to absorb them and incorporate them into everyday life.

Up to now, he's shown zero willingness to do the work--which is hard, uncomfortable, and unpleasant--at least in the beginning. But it's necessary. There are no shortcuts.

honeypig

Like Lexie says--the desire is everything. The early AA guys got sober in each other's kitchens and living rooms, with no "experts" focusing on "only their needs." There WERE no experts!

It's not like taking your car to the garage, where the mechanic takes out the old faulty parts and puts in new ones and adjusts them till they work right. It can't be done TO somebody. The A needs to actively take part, not just passively "be there."

The same goes for your own recovery. Hoping that he will get better, that HIS recovery will mean you don't need to work your OWN--pretty futile, from my own experience as well as what I've seen here.

aliciagr

Not exactly true about his willingness or desire. He was looking forward to rehab and then went off the rails. A horrible mistake but several professionals have told me its common and is not a predictor. He just ended up in legal mess which changed things.

Also I s not true people have to be in a recovery state of mind from the get go. Not for rehab because that is a process unlike taking yourself to meetings and doing by sheer will. I understand why people are jaded over his approach and saying its hard and unlikely to work.

He was thru this before and came out good. Has never done rehab so it was positive he was willing to.go.

I'm not an idiot. I know he is not going go have a wand waved over and he will be fine. His experience years ago was not so dreadful but he worked to get his life and perspective together thru the process.

I dont understand why people are not happy he is going to be getting help through a rehab I'm excited about that even has things for me. Is it because so few people here have had a positive experience with someone making a lasting recovery? Or trying to keep me grounded so im not too hopeful in case more goes wrong?

I feel the concern for me. I dont feel any compassion for him or hope for his recovery. instead there is a cold feeling I cant shake.

AnvilheadII

partly because we see you are unable to keep your fingers out of HIS "recovery" - you are doing the foot work, making the calls, orchestrating, SELECTING another rehab FOR him.....

i haven't seen ANY willingness in his actions......IMHO his @zz belongs in JAIL for the things he did to his WIFE and PARENTS. but you intervened. and then he was given the deal to go to rehab. but boo hoo, he doesn't like the rehab place.....he wants the expensive cushy one with the actupuncturist and sky diving (ok, i'm exaggerating a bit there!). and so alicia CONTINUES TO DO FOR HIM. trying to placate him, FIX him, make it all better.

which is your choice.....you chose not to heed any of his parent's advice and you seem to not be too keen on much of what is shared here. but please remember, you can arrange, and plan, and chart out, and put everything in motion, but you cannot control what he does. or how this plays out..........

aliciagr

I dont believe in the idea its wrong for me to get involved with his recovery. Not when its about helping pick a rehab, make arrangements while he has basically no access to communication while in the place hes in now. What is he supposed to do send telepathic messages, make a tinfoil transmitter out of what his lunch as wrapped in? I dont need lecturing and I understand of course some people wohld do or feel different, but some respect for my view is too much to ask?

And what does any of this have to do with this feeling like no one gives a crap except to see my husband punished and brought t his knees

I feel sad people feel this wayand there is no genuine concern for someone I love.

dandylion

Alicia....Although it hasn't been said.....might I offer this angle:

You don't seem to have a power force on your side....so, we are IT. At least, we are trying to be it....lol....
When people come to our circle, here...we take it that that person is our main concern...our main focus....That person's welfare becomes fiercely important to us.....
You see...all of us have been where you are in some fashion. We have loved and protected and given ....and, we have had our hearts broken or damaged.....
We know the pain that can hardly be described.....

It is like you are about to cross a big river...and we say..."Friend, the river is swift and deep.....You must cross it alone, but, we care for you and we have made this map for you..to show you where the rocks are.....And...we want to share all our collective River knowledge with you......
It is the most that we can think of to do for you...."

Also, Alicia, your husband has a wealth of people who care about you---who make him number o ne priority. You, for one, and all the workers who will staff the rehabs and all the AA people he comes in contact with...and his sponsor...and his parents.....

You have us.....

dandylion

alcoholics wife

It's a blessing that we live in North America and if a person suffers from addiction, they are offered to go to rehab for free!! I don't think it matters in the big scheme of things which rehab he is at. The main thing is that he is not using right now. When he gets out it may be a different story. The rehab he is at (even though he may hate it) is deterring him from using. I'm sure he is learning some life tools while he is in there and it's a 100 times better improvement than not being in rehab at all. If he comes out from rehab and WANTS to continue on his sobriety with AA meetings, therapy, more rehab then that's great and NECESSARY for a better chance of long-term sobriety.

The issue codependents have is how to love properly. I have no doubt you love your husband, but most times our codependent love is not the right kind of love and actually contributes to their death and destruction much faster than no love from us at all. Think about when you were back at school and if your friend did all your homework assignments, you copied off your friend on her quizzes, you paid some nerd to write your paper... Then final exam comes. You haven't studied. Of course you will flunk because you've been hitching a ride on others. In life, you will receive what you put in. If you studied real hard, completed all your assignments, put in your time and hard-work...you are more likely to get good marks.

A common mentality for addicts is lack of responsibility. They latch onto those who will do the hard work when the going gets tough for them. But they will never learn life skills and responsibility this way. When you teach a kid to ride a bike you eventually take off the training wheels. They will fall off their bike, scrap their knees, cry, do it again with the same consequences but eventually they will be able to ride a bike. They will understand the amount of balance they require on a bike, how much pressure to apply to stop, which gear to switch to on ground intervals etc. If you keep a middle aged man on training wheels and not allow him to fall and learn for himself, he never will.

alcoholics wife

I should also stress that addicts are capable to be sober. It's the amount of energy they put in to get sober. There is no doubt that if $5 is all an addict has to their name, they will conjure up a way to get their booze and drugs without your help. This takes up a lot of planning, effort, & energy. So we already know they are able to make mountains move if they truly want something (i.e. Drugs/booze) even if it means stealing from their own mother. What NEEDS to happen is that the addict has to shift their focus and energy into getting sober. BUT they would have to WANT it badly, the way they once upon a time would fight, steal and land themselves in jail for a bit of coke. They will need to fight their own battles to get to sobriety. No one should fight their battles for them.

LexieCat

As a person who has loved alcoholics, and as a recovered alcoholic, myself, I have all the compassion in the world for the still suffering alcoholics. I KNOW, however, based on my own experience and that of the literally hundreds of alcoholics I have met, that the best recovery is achieved by the truly desperate who really WANT to recover, and are willing to go to any lengths to get it. Not to those who are only willing to put forth the effort on their own terms.

So believe me or don't believe me. Just sharing what I know from my own experience and what I've observed. I have no reason to believe your husband is the exception who needs things "just so" in order to recover.

aliciagr

I appreciate people sharing their opinions and experiences. They are your own beliefs and experiences so how can I not believe you are sincere, I do of course.
I have to follow my own heart and mind based on facts and ideas that make sense to me at this time and keep learning and marching on.

I think you may have been one of the.people to encourage me to seek advice from the DV center a while ago and that was a good recommendation which I did follow and it wasnt easy to do let me tell you. But it helped to know they are there.

I feel ok today with my decision. Told him last night when we spoke. He was surprised and happy but also said he was worried about the expense and he needs go get back to work soon. Later I did feel concer d over that because as you all pointed out he has to recognize he needs help and take it. Wanting to go back to work and skimming over what's been happening isnt good sign. I'm going to TRY very hard to listen to him and HEAR what he is saying and keep the big picture in mind of things youve all shared about what the desire for recovery looks like. At a minimum it should be something he feels he NEEDS.I think this what you were saying at the most basic level. And I NEED to feel like I Also NEED to make changes and improve upon myself and heal in peace without my focus shifting to worry about him.

dandylion

Alicia....learning to detach is a process.....it doesn't just happen overnight......
Especially, at first.....
You just have to work on it, daily, in an ongoing basis.....
You have to stay on it like a junebug on a berry......

dandylion

hopeful4

He NEEDS to accept that his life has become a mess, and he has to want to change that. No matter how you look at it, if that does not happen, he will not recover. If he works a program, he CAN recover. The unknown is hard to deal with, I understand that.

I don't disagree that there are certainly different qualities of rehab. If you all are willing to spend your life's savings to get him there, that is your business of course. I think people are saying that if he truly wants recovery, he does not need anything more that what he has, right now. It's a misconception that frustrates so many, because many addicts use it as just one more excuse. One that won't hold water with the folks here who have seen people claw their way to recovery, a day at a time, out of sheer will power and free meetings.

These are personal choices for him to make. You are willing to do this work for him, and that is also for you to decide. I think most of us long timers here have watched many people give up every dollar they have, and some they don't, along with every ounce of sanity they have, trying to make someone else realize they have issues and recover from them. Had they been putting that same amount of work into themselves, it would have been much more beneficial.

No one wants to see you lose yourself in all of this. He has already fallen, it's his choice to get back up, or not. He is in control of that. I myself have been just where you are. My X did go to rehab, he was clean for a year. He relapsed later. Rehab was just a little vacation, and a chance for him to stay out of jail. He was still addicted to sex (in my opinion), still lied, still had all the same addict behavior, just became a dry drunk for a year instead Was going to an expensive therapist that he promptly lied to on a regular basis. We spent thousands we did not have, in addition to paying upwards of $25k for his legal issues.

So...this hits home for me. I personally have lost thousands, and big chunks of myself. I hate to see another person go down that road. But...just like I had to learn for myself, you have to do the same.

Hugs and lots of luck to you. I really do hope you reach out and get face to face support for yourself separate from what he is doing, you deserve that.

tomsteve

if i got help when i NEEDED it , that would have been 20 years before i got sober.
it was when i WANTED help that i got help and got sober.

heck, if every drunk and druggie got help when they needed it, i dont think this forum would have much activity.

atalose

Around here we always say…………actions NOT words matter the most. Given his situation that he is in rehab at the moment in very early stages of recovery, his words matter the most right now.

I heard this once in a meeting. Anything an addict puts ahead of their recovery they will eventually lose.

At the moment his concern is getting back to work soon!! keep your eye on those words!!!!

aliciagr

The good news is our insurance is paying for the rehab except for a few things plus travel. It won't be too much of a burden even without any family help. I do regret the outpatient he was in but his parents pushed that one and it was picked without much deep thought. I agree no one knows what will help someone but I will stick with my belief the odds are better with really good designed rehab. Its ok if people disagree its only my opion based on what ive been taught.

I'm at m job now but did want to say thanks again.

Let's see if its approved I guess. Make take while but the attorney said probably would know next week.

The therapist I saw said people dont get treatment when they first need it because they are often in denial and thats caused by the way the drugs and alcohol affect thinking and rationalizing. She says thats why sometimes people have to be forced into rehab where they are made to stay away from drugs and alcohol and begin to think sober.

atalose

What relapse prevention program was he working between his last rehab stint and this current relapse?