Katchie

If anything sounds harsh know that it isn't and the words are coming from a place of love and care around here from people who have been in your shoes and some who still are. I was sexually abused during my marriage and I have to say, it took me a while to even be able to think about what happened to me let alone come out and say it here. You've made an important step in acknowledging this has happened to you. I hope that you have shared this with your therapist and understand that it wasn't your fault. There is a saying around here and Alanon called the 3 C's: You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. No matter how many times I tried, I couldn't make any effective change in my alcoholic husband who at times mixed Xanax with his booze.
Be careful about rehab and don't have closed eyes at what can happen while he is there. My alcoholic husband (now ex) went to a co-Ed rehab facility out of state and hooked up with some gal while he was there. Did anything happen? I don't know but I don't put it past him since he was seeing a stripper before he took off to rehab. Drugs/alcohol are not an excuse for this type of behavior nor is it an excuse for rape in the marriage. Also, when my husband came out of rehab I had him stay in sober living, and no, I didn't pick him up. He needed to feel the consequences of the decisions he made; as I've heard here before, who am I to deny him that? It's actually a very good thing because sober living has strict rules -- go to work, see a therapist and/or AA, drug testing, and curfew. If he's serious about recovery, which doesn't sound like he is by the way he is whining, it is good for accountability. You will have some peace of mind that while he is there someone is watching over him and if he screws up, well, it's on him as it should be anyway.

The most loving thing you can do for him is allow him to make his mistakes and lovingly allow him to experience and feel the lumps he chooses....He chooses. And again, who are you or anyone else for that matter, to take the ability for him to learn away from him?

Hugs hon, I know it is hard. I pray that you will begin to change your focus from him to yourself. You, sweetie, have a lot of healing ahead of you and with healing will come peace.

aliciagr

Thanks for posting. You hit on several point s for me. But first have to let you know its not my first rodeo . This is a relapse for him brought on by stress of our relocating near his parents and a new job, new house. I know he can recover because he did before.

And totally get about he he cocaine. Thats his primary drug and why he became sexually abusive to me. Ive been through counseling and do have good understanding of addiction from before. But this time is different because of the sexual assaults, being apart for a while, his parents involved, stress on me moving also.

I also dont like the rehab and would have preferred the one he chose out of state but the courts basically didnt give him a choice and we were both confused. I have wondered if now we could find a way to have him transferred if I could arrange it? After being there today I feel for him. Its not a pleasant environment and I even asked him about people fooling around And he said yes it goes on, but while sober and how much he hates it there and makes fun of the other people I have my doubts hes met anyone so far.
This whole court issue has screwed things up and since he was going to rehab I dont see the point in what his parents did. I feel like they need to go visit to see what kind of place they helped steer him into.

I'm not saying he isnt responsible for what he did with their money but what is the end result we all want?

redatlanta

Why did they do this?

Your husband seems to bypass that he stole from them, and assaulted his father. You seem to follow that narrative a bit in blaming them for adhering to their boundary, and refusing to pay for him to go into the expensive rehab if only they had waited a day.

There is much in the way of excuses for him. From blaming the drugs for him assaulting you, the new job being too much, quitting the inpatient because he didn't like it, then being upset that they didn't refund all the money. He was high within a week of leaving, and now facing legal consequences of fraud I am guessing from stealing, and cashing checks.

The disconnect here is placing all the blame for all this behavior on other people, and other circumstances. You have alleviated ALL responsibility off him.

Additionally, the people who are keeping you financially afloat have asked you to stop enabling, they have asked you not to bail him out - you did anyway. They have helped you tremendously as I see it. They allowed him to live with them AFTER he sexually assaulted you, and they found him having torn the house apart, and threatening suicide. By letting him live with them, you were able to move back into the house.

You mention here that you still need them to support you financially since AH is not working. Yet, you blame these people, and listen to your husband blame them too. He's an adult, its not their job to do what they have done. They owe him NOTHING.

I know this is a horrible situation for you, I am really sorry you are in it. You sound confused, you sound like you are hoping he is not coming home anytime soon - almost sound like you hope he goes to sober living. I hope so, it would be a good thing.

To put it kindly your husband sounds a little dangerous, maybe a lot. I know you want to believe the assaults are all because of the drugs.....I think it would be good for you in this time to discuss with specialists about abusers. Might give you some clarity.

In the meantime please do stick around. I hate to hear you sound quite isolated and its a very heavy burden you have. I'm sorry your husband was pestering you for sex in the rehab, really inappropriate and honestly its disturbing. He seems like he has some issues there........

Lots of hugs. I hope tomorrow brings some more clarity.

dandylion

Alicia....you say that you doubt that he has "met anyone so far".....I assume that you mean that he hasn't found a romantic/sexual liason......or someone to fool around with that way....?
I that is correct---the mere fact that you have to wonder that is a red flag that lack of trust and infidelity are, also, big factors in the relationship....in addition to addiction issues.
People who want sobriety---really want it...will accept help from ANYWHERE and make the very best of it that they can.
IT IS ABOUT THE MESSAGE...NOT THE ENVIRONMENT....
I have known of people who lived in a tent in the woods and got sober with daily AA meetings and a desire to stay sober a day at a time....and, they thanked God, every day, for the AA support and for another day of sobriety......

I suggest that you go to the sticky called: "Classic Readings"...and read the post called "10 ways to know if your addict or alcoholic is full of crap."

I am talking to you very straight....with no sugar coating...because, I really don't know any way to soften this for you...lol.....

I am trying to give you an objective perspective on this......

Sincerely,
dandylion

***Alicia...I highly...highly....recommend that you read the book "Why Does He Do That?"...by Lundy Bancroft.....
It is one of the most recommended books, in these parts.............. (as well as Co-dependent No More)....
You can get them very cheaply on amazon, used.....or in the public library, of course.
You are going to have some time on your hands with him in rehab....
Spend this time on yourself and reading .....knowledge is power......
I believe that these books will shed a lot of light, for you......

aliciagr

Let me say I appreciate the time it takes people to read and reply, that people even bother is very kind.

But I can see many people have strong opinions and as I stated, its not my first rodeo and I went through counseling with an addiction therapist before so I'm not an idiot and I have m own opinions on addiction and I hope it can be respected .

Its not an excus for a person to identify the cause of a relapse. Its crucial in making a roadmap of why it hPp d, and what areas need to be worked on to prevent future relapses. Now I know some people think a wife should not be bothered with this type of knowledge and have an understanding of the complexities of addiction, but its not MY belief or my husbands.

I am holding him accountable. I moved out of our home to protect myself. I encouraged him to get help, I Ive reached out for support in different ways and found a new therapist in our area to work with and explained all thats happened.

Drugs like cocaine DO have an effect on the body and in sexuality. Its a proven fact. No it doesnt remove responsibility but it helps explain behavior and actions and is a factor in determining the future risk. This is something close hat cant be generalized one way or the other and only I know the whole history of my husband, his treatment of me, treatment to others so please be cautious passing judgment even though I know there is genuine concern, and rightly so, for my safety.

People who have an addiction at at different places, good Lord not everyone is so desperate they will cling to any float thrown their way. Its like when you see a dr, you pick one you like, who you trust, who has training and can meet your needs, like wanting a good school district where teachers are best qualified and the kids are given all the tools they need to learn, or man a million different comparisons. Not caring about the quality of his care is dumb and will not help him recover.

My husband and I have not accepted ANY money from his parents, if you can imagine we recently moved, sold our home, moved up and I. A new area, there are lots of costs associated, unforeseen e lenses and furnishing the house, even with dow coverings and things we take for granted. It all adds up. Now if he can't work possibly for months or loses his job then I can see needing their help. They are not poor. They offered to help over rehab over what insurance paid. But it was their offer not us begging. My parents can probably help out if we need it. So far the job I have which is temporary and savings will have to do. We are not mooches and haven't ever been.

I'm sorry to be so direct but Just to nip in the bud some of these trains of thought before I get go.boarded with similar comments.

Oh last thing. I respect his parents having boundaries. I know we have them to keep us from drifting far from a happy and stable life we want for ourselves. I get that. What my husband did was wrong. My father in law also pushed back so neither is innocent of bodily harm if you go that road. By all accounts it was minor but anger is what caused the trouble.

He was wrong to steal the money. But my point I guess is when so.done does me wrong, someone I love like a family member Then I ask what can he done to repay me, make amends, why did this person do this thing.are they a career criminal, craving some drive before entering rehab (which the counselor tells me is common) and what type of action needsto be taken to prevent this again. If I live this person I ask do they need psych care, to be punished, to get Into good quality drug treatment as soon as possible,

But thats me. They have acted out of anger, their own beliefs on what was the best really recourse for him even if it meant just letting he law handle it, its a valid option but I question if it will get the best outcome they say they want which is his getting help for addiction and recovering and returning to his life step stronger. So my feelings are also valid I think and I'm not dismissing what he did just questioning the best way for it to have been dealt with.

Sorry for the long commentary. I'm exhausted tonight after seeing him and have many thoughts racing through my mind.

Hayfmr

I see some of my past in your posts. Like you I always wanted to get my AW the best treatment and help her. Guess what, none of it worked. She has spiraled out of control and we have separated.

dandylion

Alicia.....LOL....I got to thinking about how you say that this is not your first rodeo.......
I'm thinking that I must be a regular Trevor Brazile, by now....

tomsteve

no, its not dumb. myself and many other have stayed in relationships thinking we could save them. we aint dumb.
were sick.

tomsteve

I relocated 2 years ago. how come I didn't relapse?

aliciagr

because you are you. Your triggers, emotions, methods of coping are unique to you. Your experience has nothing to do with my husbands. you have no idea all the other life experiences he dealt with prior and managed without relapsing. I'm not sure what your comment was supposed to accomplish. Like your better than he is?

redatlanta

Nor is it my first Rodeo, or most of the people whom are commenting. Its collectively hundreds if not thousands of years of living with addiction.

No Judgment here, I never implied you were a mooch, didn't cross my mind. Simply questioning why the people that YOU SAID were financially supporting you, and whom have helped you, are being looped into blame for what has happened. A push back is a normal reflex, and the father is looped into being "just as wrong"as your husband. Wow.

Nothing would please me more than for your husband to grab a hold recovery and run. I would love to see you come back 1 year,5 years, 10 years from now and say "He is awesome". Since this isn't your first Rodeo, and since we all have attended many of our own, then certainly you see you husband has thrown many red flags, and still is, that he isn't there yet.

Not caring about the quality of his care is dumb and will not help him recover. I get this but the problem as I see it is You seem to have more grasp of recovery than he does, and you seem more interested in him getting sober than he does. People get sober at the SalvationArmy when they are ready, people get sober just reading the big book if its all they can do. He has complained now about the last two places...... As far as moving him, does he have an attorney? I would think you need to just Petition the Court for him to be moved- I think this could be done fairly easily. Maybe Lexie will chime in shortly. You mention psyche care, perhaps a dual diagnosis facility would be the way to go. It is possible your husband may have some issues that require evaluation, that would help to get him.

Over the years I have known many a person who has rationalized abusive behavior as being the fault of something else other than what it really is, and have paid dearly for it. Most recently a colleague's daughter sustained injuries so severe for Domestic Abuse that she is deaf in one ear, and blind in one eye. That came after a 4 day a$$-whooping from her husband while tied to a bed. It was the last thread I posted here. Things have come out since the "incident" and there were incidents similar to what you have described that have been a prelude over the past two years. Pushing, pulling the hair during a fight, and aggressive sexual behavior. She did charge him with simple battery back in November when he pushed her to the floor during an argument. He attended anger management, then they got married earlier this year.

While not every person is the same as another - IME no one is fine, then ends up in a rage like that without there being these "prelude" incidents along the way. If you have determined that the cause is solely cocaine use, I am not going to argue with you on it. You are right in that it is you who lives with him, and has experience with him beyond what we here will ever know. I do understand forgiveness, and employ that in my life for others, as well as myself. I certainly understand that as spouses at times there are hardships sustained by each other.

I gently encourage you to hold off on a return to living with him until your husband can demonstrate sustained sobriety outside of the rehab he is currently in. Again, your mention of a psyche evaluation a very good one - it is possible that he needs help. Underlying many addictions are often mental illness that is not necessarily evident, is misdiagnosed as something else, is treated incorrectly, or is hidden by the person. Many a person has started their journey into the abyss with attempts to self medicate what they themselves don't even know "what it is".

Lots of compassion and lots of hugs Alicia. While we all may have disagreements, or feel strongly about certain things its not for the purpose of denigrating your husband, to Judge him, or certainly not to Judge you. We share our ES & H to enlighten, not to shame someone, or make them feel badly. The E = experience. Sadly we are all here for the same reason..........

AnvilheadII

People who have an addiction at at different places, good Lord not everyone is so desperate they will cling to any float thrown their way.

those are the ones who SEIZE recovery with a life or death fervor, not get picky about the color of the life vest. addicts CAN recover - in ANY circumstance IF THEY ARE WILLING.

only time will tell if YOUR husband is THAT willing to accept what is offered, or keep complaining about the tapioca pudding.

as far as what coke "does" to a person - yes it does heighten sexual desire, but that is different than forcing oneself upon another to get those needs met. hank and i used to get jacked out of our minds on crack, and he NEVER become violent or aggressive, nor did i. it only unleashes the beast already in the cage.

every post here has been out of concern for YOU and your safety...and yes some harsh things have been said about your AH. and rightly so. he did bad things. he CHOOSE to use drugs again. the "stress" of the job and the move were just EXCUSES. right when everything was "good" - new location, new house, new job....he decided to go risk it all to get high. he made that decision SOBER.

only time will tell how this all plays out. i urge to NOT trying and orchestrate his recovery. or shelter him from the harsh realities of life. you have enough of your own to deal with right now.

dandylion

I can remember discussing things with my dear grandmother, as I was growing up....and when things reached a "stonewall" in the discussion.....she would always just smile and say......"Well, we don't have to discuss this any more, because Time Will Tell". or, lol, another favorite of hers...."The proof is in the pudding".......

As I have grown older....I can see that she was right....
Around here, on SR...it is often said that "More will be revealed"......

(OMG--I miss my grandma sooo much).

dandylion

hopeful4

There is always going to be triggers to cause someone to relapse. It's their choice if they let those triggers cause a relapse, or not. If a person wants to be clean, regardless of what rehab they are in, they will utilize all they can and recover. If they don't, they won't. I have a friend who blew through all of her savings and most of her 401K sending her husband to a fancy rehab. Now they are proceeding with divorce because he did not utilize that rehab to actually get sober. He went to save his hide, not to become clean.

As far as his parents, sure, he could make amends and move forward. Providing he is actually sorry? Have you seen behavior (not words, actions) that show he is actually sorry? Not for getting caught, but for causing this in the first place?

You don't have to actually answer, these are just questions for you. Just food for thought. Many, many people (including myself for a long time) on this forum have blamed bad behavior all on addiction. Sometimes it's just because of poor choices and bad decisions.

I say all of this gently because I know it's scary, and I know it hurts.

Ariesagain

"People who have an addiction at at different places, good Lord not everyone is so desperate they will cling to any float thrown their way. "

Shouldn't he be that "desperate"? He's physically abused his wife, he may have lost his job, he's in trouble with the law, he's stolen from his parents who were trying to help him, and he's assaulted his father.

What's it going to take? For both of you?

Sending you strength.

aliciagr

I'm so confused. I'm sorry if Ive been rude. I'm not feeling better or comforted right now and I have no clue what's up or down or truth or lies. Its hard seeing him and lots of things conflict with my knowledge of him, my history and how things were even right before this happened. I will step back and silently think about what you have all said. I did call his attorney this morning because all night what I kept thinking was can we get him transferred if he is not released with the upcoming decision. The attorney said he thought so but cautioned if he stared building support in another state and then left it to come back here would that be good? He said this is not a voluntary treatment anymore and if he violates the terms of the deal he will be much worse off. He said addicts usually show poor impulse control and hes got a year to keep himself clean, and hes going to have to humble himself and follow the courts rules of probation for that time. He said its not a bad rehab from what he can tell. He said to think it over and I had to be the rational one here not be swayed by my husbands emotions. He said hes not in a good mental state right now understandably.

I wish I could be transported back in time.

hopeful4

I understand that you are hurting, I am so sorry. You've not been rude at all! I have watched so many on here spend all of their money sending a loved one to a rehab they just cannot afford. Rehab is just that, rehab. It's not a spa, or a place for you to get some much needed R&R. What the attorney said is correct, he is going to have to become more humble and actually work for this, no matter where he is. When you analyze this, look at his long term actions, ignore his words all together at this point.

He got himself here, maybe it would be best for you to step back and let him figure this out. I know when my X husband went to rehab, I took care of every single thing you could think of. He still relapsed later. I wish I could go back in time and let him figure it out. The more work they have to put into their own recovery, the more pride they can take when it works. If it does not work, it's their consequences.

What are you doing to take good care of you? How about an Alanon or Celebrate Recovery meeting where you can go and get some good face to face support for you. You need some respite from all of this, it's a lot to handle. Keep posting. Know that everything that is said on this forum is said with care, and from experience from people who have, or are currently, walking the same walk. You are not alone.

Tight hugs to you.

firebolt

Yes - what Hopeful said. You have A LOT on your plate, and all of your posts and comments are about him, his problems, and how you can make it better for him.

We all know how much an addict can take over our lives - how much we do to help them, and how much we internalize, hid, and repair to keep the damage they cause somewhat under wraps.

I did all that, and it made me physically ill. Migraines, insomnia, hypertension, my GOD....

It took everyone here saying things I didn't want to hear over and over for it to sink in that I needed to step back and take care of myself.

PLease consider that his family might be doing the right thing in stepping back to let him deal with his problems, and that it might reinforce that he has to deal with them if you stepped back too. Also - please consider that you have been through the ringer and deserve some time and space to heal yourself. Sending you some peace, clarity and hugs.

tomsteve

nope, i m no better than he is. what i didnt do is make excuses to drink.
ive been through just a wee bit in the 11 years ive been sober and had a LOT of oppertunities to use many of the events of life on lifes term as excuses to drink.
but i chose not to.

imo, you making excuses for his bahvior shows some sickness,too.
i used to make excuses for the drunk/addict in my life,too.
then i got out of denial and accepted the truth.

FireSprite

Absolutely not. In no way does defending yourself when you have been physically touched by another person mean that you share in the blame. It's completely unreasonable to think that his father is in the wrong for pushing back. When 2 guys tried to push me out of the way to get to a sale item last year, I wasn't in the wrong for pushing them back to get them away from me. That's absurd. They put their hands on me & I defended myself.

I hear a lot of blame shifting in your posts Alicia, I hope you can step back & read them when you are feeling less emotionally charged up because you might start to see what we're all talking about here.

It's not your job to identify & work out whatever triggered his relapse - that is his responsibility along with asking about & setting up alternate rehab/recovery facilities if he has a serious concern about where he's been assigned. Instead he's concerned about sex? No facility will be good enough for someone who is not ready to commit to recovery & just because he's managed it before doesn't mean he'll do it again. Yes, he's capable but that doesn't mean he WANTS it - there is a huge difference. You can't want it FOR him either & the more you involve yourself in solving his problems, IMO, the more you open yourself to be blamed for the problems because you're completely enmeshed in his recovery.

If you want him to grow & learn how to handle his own consequences, you have to let him face them on his own. ((((Hugs)))) I know this sucks, I've stood in your shoes while I watched & let RAH untangle his legal issues on his own. Fraud is no joke & can carry some serious, long-term consequences for him which can impact future employment among other things.