SparkleKitty

What would it mean for you to not find out about his potential miracle?

My happiness cannot depend on the actions of someone else, and my future cannot hinge on someone else's change. My happiness is on me, and always will be, and that's just the way I like it.

honeypig

Hummer, we are still talking about a matter of days, at most, since he decided he'd get sober. At most, he has the alcohol out of his system. He is nowhere NEAR having made the changes he'd need to have made to be a good partner; that will take much, much longer, a year, 2 years? Maybe more? Recovering A's here say it takes a long time. Laying off the booze is only the very beginning.

And signing up for support, etc.--yes, technically it's an "action", but again, only the beginning of something that must be done over and over again, consistently, even when it's tough, even when he's over the first flush of "yeah, I'm getting sober" excitement (called "the pink cloud", I think, by recovering A's).

This may or may not signal anything lasting. As Sparkle said, your best bet is likely going to be to look to your own happiness. If he does, in fact, get serious about recovery, you can talk about what to do then, a year or more down the road...

maia1234

Hummer,
Go over to the Newcomer forum. Post to the newcomers how many times it took them to truly get "sober". Some will tell you it took "years". Not saying that your AH won't do it in 1 try. They say here "It isn't my job to reward him for sobriety or punish him for drunkenness."

If you mind your business and don't get involved in his, it just might work. They say that it takes about of year before you can "fully" trust their sobriety. But being an alcoholic is not only about getting sober. It is about growing up, sobering up and working a program.

Hugs my friend, keep the faith that he is sober, but don't count on anything!!

Bekindalways

Welcome Hummer. I agree with lots of what folks are saying.

Also, I want to acknowledge how very, very difficult it is to deal with this type of situation. That you live 400 miles away makes it both harder and easier. Harder as you don't know what is going on but easier as the geography is conducive to detachment which is key for anyone in a relationship with an addict/alcoholic.

I was living in Northern Nevada when I found out my boyfriend of 5 years living in S. Calif had gotten into Meth. He told me he would never do it again, didn't need counseling, could do it on his own yaddayaddayadda.

At the time, he told me I had never known him. I asked him if he wanted me to know him. His answer completely floored me by being both honest and unacceptable to me. He said, "I don't know. Let me think about it.". Within weeks, I decided Nevada was too close to California and bought a ticket to Bolivia as I wanted to learn Spanish and had a friend there.

Hmmm . . .I didn't mean to tell you this ancient-history, sob story. It is possible your AH will successfully build a new life without alcohol starting this month; however it is also unlikely it will stick this time.

Please come post on the Taking Care of You Thread!

marie1960

What if your friend never shared your hubby's facebook post? What if you were just doing what you were doing before his big facebook profession /confession?

A few words saying I am done drinking on a social media site has not changed one thing in this very sad and troubled situation.

I am with Red Atlanta, drinking isn't this guy's only life issue, and to blame his indescrection on drinking, is a cop out. Please know my words are not meant to cause you anymore pain, but it's best to stick to the facts in these type situations, if we allow our heartstrings control, we end being run off into the ditch again.

One of the best shares ,(for me) on these boards comes from our departed friend Mike: hope clouds observation.

Take care of you

Hummer

Thanks again members, very sound advice as always.
This morning he is telling me how much he isn't looking forward to Christmas - normally a special occasion for him! Told him I wasn't exactly in the celebrating mood myself. He asking if there is any chance I would allow him home for Christmas - I feel like an ogre - what would the harm be (as if I didn't know - but need reminding) please comment...

LexieCat

The "harm" would be that he's likely to ruin the holiday (you just got back from a ruined holiday, remember?). He's made this grandiose pronouncement about never drinking again, but if he drinks (which seems at least somewhat likely), it will probably be blamed on you--that you're not warm and fuzzy enough toward him, that you hurt his feelings, whatever. Or if he white-knuckles his way through the holiday, he's still likely to be miserable to be around.

You don't have to be nasty about it, you can just say that you think right now it's better for you both to keep some distance.

Lilro

Good Morning Hummer,

He isn't looking forward to Christmas???!?!?!?! Ugh! It's all bout him, huh? Cry me a river.....
Maybe, just maybe, he can find himself a Christmas date online since he's so good a trolling for women on dating sites. Or maybe his little text buddy will want to spend it with him... Who knows? Sorry to sound Snarky but infidelity pisses me off!
YOU ARE NOT AN OGRE. You are a woman who is looking out for herself.
Do what you have to do for YOU. He made his own mess, let him deal with it.
That's all I got this morning. Keep us posted and please try to have a Happy Holiday! (It's only 1 day, 24 hours). You can do it!!
Ro

Hawkeye13

So the promises were to get you to give in and let him come home?
Pretty transparent. . .

A few days means nothing in sobriety Hummer.
It's a start, but he isn't even fully detoxed yet.
If he means this, he will work a plan towards recovery no matter where he is.

Personally, I wouldn't want his cheating, withdrawing self messing up the holidays
with my kids if I were you.

He's all talk so far. . . he will find a reason to drink (or stay sober) whether he comes home or not
You didn't cause it, you can't control or cure it.
It's up to him to put actions behind the words--

AnvilheadII

play the tape ALL the way forward.....you "let" him home for Christmas....

and then what?

redatlanta

The harm would be this: You have already laid a boundary saying he cannot come home. If you backtrack on that you lose the battle and the war. Your boundaries are meaningless.

Additionally, you IMO, would be acknowledging that a one sentence "profession" on FB to quit drinking is sufficient. Actions, not words keeps coming up in your thread. You ALREADY said no. Why is this still being discussed? Pushing your buttons friend.

Allowing him to come home is displacing accountability. Until someone really feels the negative impact of accountability of actions they DO NOT CHANGE. My guess is different that the other about how this visit would go. I think he would be "perfect husband". Just do more to mess with your head. I'd like to see how he spends this time alone. Will he succumb to bad habits? Or will he rise up and prove this time he means it - he is getting his **** together. You'll never know the answer to this unless if you disregard what he has done and allow him to come home.

Bekindalways

Good morning Hummer, even if you don't feel celebratory, I hope you are finding some beauty and peace in the season. No matter how the cards fall with your husband, taking care of yourself needs to be a priority and no time like the present to up your standard of self-care.

Keep in contact and let us know how you are doing.

Hummer

My husband is talking the talk and sounding so very determined - it really does sound as though he's had his eyes opened and the counselling is helping - time will tell I suppose - I'm not anything at the moment, just working and going to have a very quiet and hopefully peaceful Christmas.
As I said earlier - he is not particularly looking forward to being 400miles away alone on Christmas but there is no way I'm changing my mind at this stage. He said he might look at getting away if that's the case and I told him that he should if he thinks it will help so he has booked himself 10 nights bed and breakfast in Cyprus. Very surreal situation. Have finished one book and starting another to help with codependent behaviours and my counselling sessions begin on 4 January - he is hopeful that he will be able to visit home in February when he plans to be here for his twins 18th birthday. I suppose the new year will have some answers - very much hoping so! Thanks again for replies

AnvilheadII

so wait...he says he doesn't want to be alone at Christmas, away from family, etc, , and obviously having the means to book lodging wherever he wants, he chooses a 10 day B&B AWAY from family rather than getting a room NEARBY? am i missing something here?

Hawkeye13

Wishing you and your family a very Happy Christmas Hummer--

I think 10 day in Cypress will be far enough away he can do pretty much anything he likes without you, or his family, knowing about it.
Maybe it's work on recovery, maybe not.

Smells fishy somehow to me, especially in conjunction with the cheating.
Take care of yourself--maybe more will be revealed here. . .

Refiner

A B&B for 10 days in Cyprus? What's the time differential for him and your time zone with that? My hinky meter's going off on this one.

Ursula745

There will always be something two weeks away; Christmas, a birthday, Easter...don't make your decision around that.

Secondly, you don't have to give one final chance in hopes of a good marriage. If you want to walk away, then do it. If he wants to get sober, no reason you all can't reconcile later, only if you want to, but you're wasting time on him and he has made no changes and has no consequences.

Seems to me you'll be stuck in this pattern if you don't start taking care of yourself. Your children and grown and can take care of themselves. I'm sure your daughter wouldn't want you to be unhappy.

Hummer

I think Cyprus is one or two hours ahead of the U.K.
Although that doesn't really matter as I haven't actually spoken to him for weeks - just communicating via text

Hummer

Ps that has been my choice not to talk as I haven't wanted to while I try get my head around what I'm feeling - he has asked if he can call and say hello Christmas morning so I think I will allow a short conversation.

Hawkeye13

This isn't easy hummer and you are doing a great job dealing with a very difficult situation--
I do hope I'm incorrect about him getting off the radar for non-recovery reasons.